Is it normal to both want to be alone AND have a social/love life?

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Yeah. I want to be alone like 94% of the time. Doesn't mean I don't enjoy the times I do go out.

You literally described how I lived my life for years before meeting my girlfriend.

I worked a job that had me working ten hour shifts, Monday, Tuesday, Thursday and Friday so I would generally hang out with someone on Wednesday or Saturday and then spend the rest of that time alone. I really enjoyed it for the most part and still miss some aspects of it.

Years later and I ended up meeting this really cool person that I truly love and couldn’t stand spending time away from. We moved in together and now we spend all of our time at home together alone.

When you find someone that you’re truly comfortable with, then you’ll be able to give them all of that alone time and not regret it.

As for wanting more when you’re lonely, I’ve always wished that I could be more outgoing but as I get older I find that if you don’t like being like that, then that’s just personal preference and how you really are, so why change a good thing?

TL;DR: Being alone with someone you love and are truly comfortable with feels the same to me as being alone by myself and there’s no reason to force yourself to hang around people all of the time.

Be with someone who is either a pilot, a cook, or works in a construction crew.

I myself couldn't keep up the balance. I had a beautiful, loyal and loving gf but I had to break up with her because I wanted to be alone, I don't want anyone in my life right now and I feel like crap because we both loved each other yet still I couldn't bear a relationship. I wish I could be normal and be happy with the girl of my life but nooo I had to screw it up and stay alone.

This post sums me up! I love my own space and company but also get anxiety that I should be out all the time and I’m missing out on things.

Also feel like I want a relationship but at the same time don’t want the commitment and to have to fit someone into my routine!

I feel that. I crave the validation and the love and the interaction from being in a group of people, but actually doing so is draining and unsatisfying

yes.. i basically just have work friends who aside from work with, we go out once a month or so. and my significant other is very similar in as much as we both enjoy living alone, so we see each other weekends. its fantastic, neither of us feel suffocated.

i had a lot of friends online gaming and stuff previously, which was also nice as one can distance oneself whenever it becomes too intense. however i found once i was working i was too tired to commit much time to them. i stay in touch but i hate myself because i dont have the emotional energy to talk to coworkers and clients all day and then go home and stay engaged with friends and gaming. i hope they understand

introversion doesnt mean that you want to be alone, only that being social is draining rather than energizing

Is it normal to want the best of both worlds? Yes, yes it is.

Having online friends is a good idea You can find someone with the same interest as you

And you can talk with them in your underwear after you stop playing on your guitar

Lol this is me... but I'm married with two kids

Well I usually hate meeting new people, but im also a very friendly person. Im not much for one to go and hit the town, but i can also be the life of a party... So to me its normal.

Yes, wholeheartedly know what you're going thru. Been feeling immensely lonely for about half a year already since I started working from home. I go on a lot of "alone" dates (eat out, watch a movie on my own, etc.) since I don't have a lot of friends and if I'm lucky, I get invites here and there. I just learned how to be alone. Hope you find your peace.

Look up the definition of "ambivert!"

once a week is considered infrequent? I am a very career focused extravert. I have several very close friends, but since I am so busy and I am juggling multiple relationships, I only see any given friend once every few weeks or once a month. Nonetheless, when we hang out, we are as close as ever. If I ever need anything, I know I could call any one of them. What you are asking for is not unreasonable by any stretch. The closeness will come over a long stretch of being friends with them, but it’s not required you hang out with them constantly. As for a significant other, the expectations to hang out may be more frequent, but once a week doesn’t sound unreasonable for many (although some partners may want more).

I think age may also be a relevant factor here since when I was younger I definitely spent much more time socializing and that was the expectation.

It's normal.

I used to live all alone for several years, and though it was great, it was also lonely.

Now I live in a student dorm but I have my own room. Sure I rarely spend time outside of my room but just having the OPTION of going down to the kitchen and talking to people makes me feel less lonely.

Man ypu just described my whole situation

Yeah, I’m the same.. I handle it by making it very clear to new friends I get, that I’m not social all the time, but sometimes I am, and it’s not that I don’t want to be friends, I’m just asocial most of the time. When they know this, they can decide if they want that or not. And they I only have the friends left, who can handle that I don’t always answer right away. Sometimes I don’t answer for a week or more. When I schedule plans with them, I do it at a time where I don’t have a lot of other stuff to do. And sometimes I’m impulsive and write out of nowhere if they want to hang out, and if they have time ofc. I don’t have a lot of friends do to me being like this, but the ones I have understand it and don’t get angry.

If your theoretical girlfriend is independent and social she would go out a lot, and if she's an introvert, well, the lovely thing about good introverts living together is that they can manage to generally maintain an uncrowded presence in your space because they also need space and alone time.

As far as social life goes, we (SO and I) make it a point to see our two closest friends at least once month and we never feel drained after we head home. The key there was that we are all very non judgemental and accepting in a way that allows us the comfort to not have to adjust who we are or have to censor ourselves in terms of our life experiences. Plus you miss out on some great stories if you can't handle hearing about things like sex work or (unrelated so don't bother with weird comments, reddit) mortuary sciences.

When you are social, focus on the people you can be yourself around. It's hard to find those people but that's how you attain what you're looking for. Social relationship with little to no compromise on the person you are when you're alone.

sometimes i want to do something, but not leave the comfort of my house. then i force myself to the thing that might be more fun. which is often leaving.

I'm very much an introvert, but even us introverts have social needs that require tending. I've found a pretty comfortable balance that works for me. I'm married to a man that understands I'm an introvert and is fine with it when I tell him I need some time to myself. I work a job where I can pretty much control the amount of social interaction I have throughout the day. I will say it was tough when my daughter started developing her social skills because she is very much the opposite of me and she (very understandably) doesn't really know the difference between extroversion and introversion. I've started explaining it to her in simple terms - that some people need quiet, alone time to recharge their batteries, so to say - and she is starting to get it. In terms of the individuals living with me, the cat is the only one that doesn't acknowledge my social boundaries and limitations, but that's cats for you.

Just chiming in to comment on not being able to comfortably sleep in a bed with someone, my husband is like you are and tosses and turns and always wants the TV on so we have separate rooms in our house. I know not everyones house is big enough for that but I hate how people assume something is wrong if they find out we don't sleep in the same bed. We sleep in the same bed when we go on vacation and stuff but he's just hard to sleep with. I wish it was more "normal" for couples to sleep in different spaces without people thinking they don't love each other.

True story - a lot of women work for a living. Date a working woman who is serious about her career, and you will only ever see her on her days off.

Want to see her even less? Find one who works swing shift.

(I work swings, hubs works M-F days. We get two weekends a month together, are usually on different sleep schedules, and have a lot of alone time in the house while the other is sleeping/working.)

I'm the exact same

I know same feelings here. I'm perfectly comfortable on my on but sometimes I get overwhelmed with a feeling of crippling loneliness.

I'm exactly like this. My favorite part of living alone is that I run around the house in my underwear too.

I’m the same way but if you find love with the right person you’ll feel so comfortable around them that you no longer care about alone time and actually dread the nights when they’re out of town. At least that is how it is for me

I live in a really secluded place from my friends, so whenever im not in the mood for social interaction, i just say "oh it's really far away and i don't think i have the time".

Im an introvert. I married the one person I act3want to hang out with every day for the rest of my life. But he still annoys me sometimes and I still need alone time. He understands if I tell him I need to read or go for a walk alone, and the back patio with my plants is "my" space and he rarely goes there.

I have managed this a little bit. Its hard to maintain a balance of the friends I have without scheduling time during the week to see them.

As a result, I have found I end up doing the opposite in a way. And maybe its preferable, not sure. By that I mean, I schedule time to see friends during the week, after work etc. But then when the weekend comes around I want to be alone. It can be very nice. I was very reluctant to have a boyfriend but it works ok. I schedule 2-3 nights out of the week to see him. One weekend night maybe. But that will change.

I find that during a work week, I am socially exhausted by the time Sunday rolls around. So I try to make that my "recharge day". I will warn you that making friends took a lot of my alone time away, especially those who are not introverted, suck up the most of my time. Its possible, just set boundaries if needed and communicate your needs.

Same

I'm a girl and I'm exactly like this.

literally me, this post. even the strip and guitar part. dude.

my solution : friendzone every girl, have sex friends and crying why can't i have a gf

Not weird im the same way

Exactly my life. I'm an introvert in a constant state of burnout due to all the interaction I'm forced to do at work (and doing other Responsible Grown Up Stuff like shopping). But I'm also lonely as hell and in a constant state of drained despair due to the loneliness. And there literally isn't any available social activity of which I'm aware (y'know, where I might theoretically meet someone, assuming there's someone to meet) that I would inherently enjoy even if I had the energy for it.

But I can definitely say that in the vanishingly unlikely event I somehow wound up in a relationship, we probably would need separate living spaces. Or what you're describing, basically "friends with benefits but actual emphasis on the 'friends' bit."

Fortunately, I'm actually pretty good at interaction when I'm up to it, and I do have some lovely friends who understand that I disappear for extended periods and then come back with cookies for everyone. Calling that a "social life" might be a bit of a stretch, though.

how have you managed to balance this?

I guess I'm going to have to go with "I haven't."

Yes. I would love to just hang out with my friends and go out and make new friends, but it's too much work. You have to put in all this work and money on going out at introducing yourself to new people. Most of the people you try to be friends with won't put in even a tenth the effort that you will. At the end of the day you are paying more in time, effort, and money than what you will get back. It just doesn't seem worth it but at the same time you become jealous of listening and watching other people have fun with their friends.

Yeah it's really common. I struggle with it. It's only recently that I've met someone that I can see myself actually living with, and it's taking a long time to develop the communication and comfort we'd need to make it work.

Exactly me , friend. I don't long for commitment and relationships nor do I find myself cut out for it. But I do feel lonely sometimes when I see couples enjoying .But just momentarily. I rather prefer close friendships with a handful of people but that's all. I also absolutely enjoy alone time and saying/doing stupid shit to myself. I wouldn't trade that for anything. It might sound really selfish. But I want the company of people on my own terms whenever I want. Being alone when nobody watches me sort of recharges my psyche and soul because I can finally open up all the pent up energy that I couldn't in front of people because of how concious I am around others. Then, I am truly living I feel

I think this is how most people live. Work in the week, socialise on the weekend.

I'm having the same issue.
I like to be alone, have some "me time". But I'd honestly would love to have someone in my life.
I'm currently in love with someone, who used to love me back but doesn't anymore, and it hurts. Plus I'm seeing all my friends, males and females, go through some tough shit because of fucked up relationships.
So I'm telling myself that maybe I'd better be off alone.

Friends however are really important, I think. Even if you don't meet with them often, I think it's essential to have some. I know I wouldn't survive without mine.
Just don't force yourself to go out if you don't want to. I usually go out with them until I'm tired, and when they move to go the club, I go home.
Also, if they get mad at you for not hanging out, well, they aren't great friends.

Yes, you need to find a balance. But it's really up to you.
Spare time for yourself, love and friends. That would be perfection.
But if you lacking one of the last two, but are feeling great anyways, there is no need to change.
You have to feel well, not meet anyone or society's expectations!

I currently have this situation where my GF and I will spend a good amount of the weekends together, but we love having our alone time as well. We come home from work and we can talk about our day and have dinner, but we can also take time and decompress. Whether we wanna do it alone or together, we don't mind giving each other space and letting each other do what we want (video games, tv, etc). There is definitely a good mix you can obtain. If you're looking for a SO it's good to discuss each other's needs.

Same with friends. You can definitely text and have the occasional dinner/hang out, but if it feels like a chore, you can try and change things up.

It's definitely possible to have alone time and companionship. Just takes time I guess. Good luck OP!

Yep. It’s common for introverts to feel like this. It’s an endless cycle.

We want routine until we get bored, then we use all of our energy reserves going out with friends for one night, and then want routine again. We’re interesting creatures to say the least

Yeah, same here. I don't want a relationship (right now) for exactly this reason. With friends I kinda found the balance. I game, so I have online friends, which I basically only see IRL on birthdays, and sometimes to play card/board games like Magic the Gathering.

Can confirm, I'm the same way. I've been lucky enough to find a loving girlfriend to put up with my loner habits, but it isn't easy.

Yeah I feel the same. Honestly I don't want the social life really, just a girl who is cool with sitting around and doing nothing.

So in other words you want a sex doll

No one wants one thing all the time. You have to mix it up. Right now I have a wife and two young kids at home. Since she's on maternity leave right now, that means she's home all the time. I have absolutely zero time to myself right now. Sometimes I'll grab my Nintendo Switch and go sit on a toilet for thirty minutes just so I can have some quiet time.

But I also remember living by myself and how I would go days without really seeing anyone, and that's not good either. I got stir crazy and would try to find any excuse I could to just get out of the house. I wasn't my best self then.

You are basically describing me. I live in a studio flat and on one side is amazing. Whenever I come back from uni, work or a night out there is nothing better to just be by myself and do what I like without having to deal with housemates and such and have the freedom of doing whatever I like. However on the other side I tend to pass too much time by myself since I have barely any friends here where I live. I do have people I like to hang out with but they are still not as close. Especially during rainy days and when I am free, I feel so lonely and I wish I have someone to talk to quite constantly. I suffer also of depression and anxiety, with history of suicidal attempts so sometimes I do not feel comfortable at all to be all alone, especially while I am having panic attacks. This also results in insomnia and sleep deprivation which it sucks. Even so, I still want to live by myself for a while, to feel independent and free to do whatever I like. Uh, I also have another inner contradiction: I am single after 8 years of relationship and I am actually enjoy it, feeling like I am discovering myself again and focusing more on my stuff. I thought my mental health would screw me big time but instead it actually got better thanks to what I manage to achieve. However sometimes I miss be in a relationship (I don't miss my ex though, that chapter is definitely over and we are just good friends now), having someone to share my experiences and to do couply stuff, you know. I think it is part of being alone I guess

My husband and I are both very similar to you. We have a great life together. There are lots of people like this!

If it's worth anything, my fiance comes home, immdiately strips down to his undies, plays guitar/video games, and says stupid shit to himself all while I'm there. We live together but he mostly does his thing, I do mine.

The sleeping thing would be tricky, but you can definitely get to a point where you can do whatever the hell you want when your parters home and they won't care. You just have to find a girl that's chill/not super needy (easier said than done, I know).

Being an introvert doesn't mean you don't desire a social and love life! I need LONG periods of alone time to recharge, but too long and I start feeling lonely and want to call or text or meet with someone (who I then reach out to). It's very human to want a social and love life regardless of whether you're introverted or extroverted!

You literally just described everyone.

Maybe you have Asperger's?

Yeah.

Yes.

No, it isn't normal because that's not how most people are.

YEs?

I'm the same way to a T. I imagine since we're both the same way, there are definitely more like this.

Wow. We’re in the same boat. I absolutely love being alone and I’m also used to doing things by myself. I have some good friends and even though I love hanging out with them I still feel like it’s a chore, a box to be ticked. So many times I’ve made up excuses to not hang out and rather do nothing at home. I’ve never been in a relationship actually and sometimes I do feel the desire to have a bf or something but once I thought about the commitment (texting/calling/FaceTime everyday, meeting each other parents, having to update him constantly about my life, going out etc) I’m glad that I’m single. But who am I kidding, I don’t meet new people so it’s not like anybody actually wants me lol

Same. I like to think of myself as an extroverted introvert. It sounds like your insomnia needs to be treated by a doctor if you're not already seeing one. It helps with quality of life, for sure. Finding someone who equally values down time and being together, but not always talking to one another was key for me.

Choosing solitude is the ’easy road’ in the moment. It is what you currently desire. Choosing a social life requires a bit more effort, but can be very beneficial in the long run.

We humans are generally not good at envisioning the fruits of momentary discomfort.

I am a person who walked the easy road. I am alone and matter to no one. It doesn’t matter if I live or die. Some people might desire my care free life. But I feel as clever as Faust.

Yes. I’m in a poly relationship and have a lot of friends that I love deeply. That said most nights I just want to kick it alone in my sunporch with a drink or some weed and just read a good book or listen to a podcast. I need a lot of recharge time. That said I do plan a lot of things with my friends/partners/family but it has to be scheduled. I can’t do spur of the moment stuff.

Yes you just described me perfectly. I love being alone and don't really have energy to do anything social on weekdays after work. I really only have one friend and we see each like every other weekend. Sometimes I get anxious that I should be going out more and I'm missing out on stuff, so I do wish I had a couple more friends. I'm working on putting myself out there.

yes its normal

I think it's normal, either that or we're both weird. I'm alright having a small group of friends to hang out with from time to time, but I generally want to be alone and enjoy my alone time. Too many people just bugs me for some reason, even more so when it's people I don't really know or care for.

Yep.

I want a girlfriend I only have to see like twice a week, what is wrong with me and why am I like this?

That was me for over a decade of my life. What I changed was I went to therapy and decided to get back on weightlifting. Letting go of toxic ppl and taking hold of my own narrative in life steered me towards a better mental, emotional and physical health. I suffered from insomnia since I was a child. That too slowly but surely disappeared. I finally enjoy being in my bed and enjoy embracing the next day, even on tough days. I know I can come home to a nice bed and the next day I can take the next step in the right direction.

Hi I'm similar too yourself but moved into my gfs place recently shit sleeper etc. She goes to bed about 10-12 at night me between 3-6. I was apprehensive about moving in because I need my sleep but tbh it's been fine. We do live in a house as opposed to a flat which means we don't have to sit there in silence while the other is sleeping.

You sound like an Enneagram type 5 like me. I don’t have a ton of energy to expend on relationships and the added obligations that come with most of them are too much. My best friends are the people who don’t expect or require things from me.

For women , of course it’s normal.

This is pretty common with my friends. Idk how old you are but as you get older this seems to happen naturally. My oldest friends I see maybe once a month or two. Then my close friends I see maybe a couple times a week depending on what weekend activities are happening.

Yes. Almost exactly that, sometimes simultaneously. I'm a notorious flake because of it and it's one of my biggest character flaws.

A girl post something like this on my local forum, sadly ppl said she is being selfish and love herself only, which is I don't agree with.

I’m the same way. I don’t usually hang out unless I have too. It takes alot for me to come out to be honest. Fortunately, I have a Wife that accepts me for who I am. I do have couple friends that I try to chit chat once in awhile. I don’t mind social interaction as long if it at my place. I like to game and just chill. So as long my friends aren’t dirty or anything I wouldn’t mind if my friends come over and hang out. I’m just too lazy to be driving to places.

Yes it is totally normal, and also you can be a introvert but still have a decent social life.

Everything in life is a balance. You need to have a social life/love life while still having alone time within that as well.

Holy moly. You exactly described my life as if you’re me from a parallel universe. And every one who commented about how similar their life is. Granted I would probably never meet you guys but I’m so happy I’m not alone in this situation on a larger scale.

Pretty common , it's like a never ending cycle of...my life is meh

Yup. Think I'm in that boat right now. I've been mostly alone for years primarily cuz I've wanted it but lately my wants are adapting? Changing? Idk, I like my alone time but I kinda just want to be alone with some one else who wants to also be alone.

This! I'd like a relationship right now, but only if it could work around my work life and my own downtime (that's not to say I'm just looking for a casual relationship mind). Particularly when it comes to my studies - I won't have such a busy social life or romantic life that my grades start to slip.

Perhaps I'll just have to find someone who is in the same boat, and then things will work out.

Start dating single moms. They can't see you every day.

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It's called balance

Right there with you bro. I just had to get over this for my lady. Its unfair/ selfish to expect someone to always be on your time. You have to give and take. Just my opinion

I have mixed feelings too.

I think it’s pretty hard to ignore the obvious pros and cons of each lifestyle.

Some of the happiest married couples don't live together.

I feel like I've never related to a post more. Someone needs to make a subreddit about this, if it doesn't exist already.

Edit: r/ambivert seems to be the closest fit.

It is totally normal to seek both a social life and solitude. I can totally relate to your experiences because after seeking friendships in several unbalanced social groups where I used to attend uni, I discovered the need for quality over quantity in relationships, albeit the hard way. But even with losing quite a few superficial friendships I previously enjoyed, this also opened up the pathway to the relationships that respect my alone time, because since starting college and a new career, I’ve had to prioritize solitude over a crowded social life. There’s still plenty of room for self improvement on my part in finding the alone vs social balance, since some bad social experiences have left me hurt and more careful around others, but I’m more confident in the present times with what I find out of friendships because of my search for quality over quantity and a healthier balance between alone time and my social life. It’s easier said than done but I have faith that you can achieve that ideal balance!

Good to know I am not alone in the introvert/need people Catch-22.

I get this. I love living alone, I stay single for a while, then I get lonely, meet someone and after a while feel suffocated and end it.

I want intimacy and fun times with someone, someone to play video games with and watch shows, someone to adventure with but I don’t want to feel needed or obliged to be in constant contact with a partner, or have them over all the time.

It’s a tricky one.

Judging by this thread it seems there’s definitely people out there like this and perhaps the answer is to be with someone who feels the same way and gives you the freedom and space you need. Unfortunately most people are quite needy or social.

I guess it’ll be hard to find a person that clicks the same way, but they’re out there somewhere!

No.

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