[Need Advice] I've completely stagnated after uni and my life is going off the rails, I'm not sure how to start again. Please help

When you were in school you had a set of clear, achievable goals. Your identity was 'college student who excels'. Now what is it? Who are you? This gap in our identity causes complacency, stagnation, and fear, simply because we don't know what the next logical step is.

Often these things build to a critical mass, where we have a kind of 'I've had it' moment. The kind where we make a conscious shift and start changing our lives. We get tired of being fat, so we work out. We get tired of being poor, so we learn that skill, or go back to school.

The good news is that you're approaching that point. You are dissatisfied with yourself, and with your behavior. You want better habits, but the trouble is that I didn't hear anything about why you want them.

One of the things that helped me out of a similar slump was visualizations. I thought about who I wanted to be, and I dreamed that I had the power to achieve it. No one and nothing could stop me. I dreamed big. I wanted to be a bestselling author, and as I drove my shitty car to my shitty job I took 5 minutes and pretended I was that author.

If we don't know what our big dream is, then it's impossible to ever reach it. Willpower doesn't last. Motivation doesn't last. What does last is you, your identity. If you are someone who works out 6 days a week, and who is going to take the world by storm, and who's girlfriend admires his tenacity, then you are going to take a very different set of actions than the guy who doesn't know what he wants.

Don't settle for some job. Don't try to just get by. Figure out what you want. Convince yourself that nothing can stop you from getting it. Then go out and get it.

Source: am now bestselling author and will never work for anyone again. This came after many, many wasted years. You've got a degree. You're way ahead of where I was. Shit, you've got a girlfriend. I was 100 pounds overweight and couldn't look at girls back then.

You've got this, mate. Figure out who you want to be. Are you a legendary Fortnite streamer? An author? An artist? An athlete? A comedian? Dream big, and don't ask yourself how you're going to get there.

Then, once you know who you want to be, take a single action a day, every day.

This probably isn’t what you want to hear, but my advice is to just do SOMETHING: start meditating once a week, think of where you want to be in 5 years and write a plan to make it happen, reach out to a friend. The only way to get out of a slump is by just deciding to get out of it (which i know is easier said than done!). And whenever you’re about to bail on a plan to socialise/work out etc just remind yourself of how shit it feels to be doing nothing and remember how satisfying it is to be working towards a good future (ie when you were studying, exercising etc). It’s not easy to start up again when you’ve lost momentum, but it’s doable. Good luck.

Hey. So I'm kind of in the same situation as you. I graduated in May, had a job lined up, but it fell through as I started applying for med school, became depressed. I decided to volunteer while job hunting- I volunteer at the local people's home, tutor elementary school kids, and go to the hospital weekly. In addition, I signed up for a local college course (anyone can do this), just to keep myself motivated. At this point, I think I'm going for a retail job just to save up some cash, but here's what I realized:

1. You got to do something everyday. I think this page talks about doing something for 5 minutes. Have a goal? Set a timer, and just work on it for five minutes. Rinse and repeat, and within time, you'll work on that goal for longer periods of time.
2. Choose an organization and volunteer for it. You are a college graduate, you are equipped with many skills. Have a favorite subject? Teach it to a kid who's struggling in it. You like gardening? there's probably a local community garden you can volunteer at. Even if you start at once a week for a few weeks, it gives you an added experience on your resume and you get out of the house.

Depression is a bitch and you will be working on it for a while before you feel 100%. Do something everyday, and work little by little.

My partner has said about this: "There comes a time in your life, in your twenties or so, when you're done with school. You've been following a train track all your life, and suddenly the tracks run out. And when the tracks run out, the only thing to do is find something to build. It doesn't matter what it is. Just choose something, and build it." And I think he's completely right. Good luck, OP. This time of life is very hard for all of us. You'll figure it out.

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Edit: Also, this at the end resonates with me mightily: "I tell myself I'm going to fuck up my life if I don't do anything... But I swear that just makes me even lazier (which probably sounds difficult but I still manage it somehow)." If you're anything like me, that's because this isn't about laziness, it's about fear. You're scared that you won't have the fortitude to build a good future for yourself, and so every day you're being severe and harsh with yourself for "failing" (although you haven't yet clearly defined the metric by which you're failing), and you are behaving like any animal does after a punishment: Shame, paralysis, and staying still. The way I fixed this was to stop punishing myself. It is the most self-defeating thing you can do. You think that by calling yourself lazy and a fuck-up, you will push yourself to do more--in fact, it's the opposite. You are digging yourself deeper into a hole every time you are unkind to yourself. I cannot say this more ardently: Stop being unkind to yourself in your own head. THAT is the number one thing you are doing wrong, and it's fucking you up. The one thing that would get you to do things right now would be a kind, benevolent and nurturing person who comes to you, holds you, and tells you that it's ok--because it is--and then helps you to get back on track. YOU need to be that nurturing, loving person to yourself. Let where you are be OK. Let yourself grieve these changes cleanly, because they've been hard for you. Stop punishing yourself, because you are literally pulling the rug out from under yourself every day. Self-love and kindness will help you the most here. You know how to be an organized, motivated person--you've done it before. So have compassion for where you are now, and help yourself to build out of it, rather than shaming yourself every day.

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I say this so fervently because I am in the sixth year of a master's degree, and during several of those years I swam in pits of self-hatred. If I had not stopped punishing myself I would not have finished this work. You must be kind to yourself, and never stop. Being kind means being honestly self-critical. It does NOT mean self-shame or name-calling. Good luck!!!

Hi. I’ve read your comment. I thought to send you this.

https://www.opendemocracy.net/transformation/john-f-schumaker/demoralized-mind

It might, I hope, it helps you. :)

😊

This might sound strange but start by booking a driver's lesson. If you've got your license it will probably only take one or two lessons for you to get the hang of it again. Make sure you plan the lesson to be in a busy area, like a city or if that's not possible, a town centre where the shops are. If you can drive and park there you can do it pretty much anywhere.

Plus, if this is what you start with, you have automatic accountability because 1) It's your money and 2) the instructor is gonna expect you to show up or even better, they might come pick you up. 3) Completing this task is not hard but it will make you able to cross off a big thing from your list, which is very motivating.

Use that momentum to keep going and start building better habits.

Take a 30 minute walk. Don't take any earphones or anything that might distract you, and try go to a peaceful setting like a park or a walking path - and just walk. Heck, it can even be your neighborhood - you don't have to be super social or anything, just... walk for a bit.

Seeing as you have experience meditating - something might click.

Sounds like all you need is that initial spark to get the engine that is your mind up and running again - and walking is one of those things that is known to just work :)

Either way, good luck bud.

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Howdy there, I’m kind of going through something similar, and generally feeling a little lost.

I have found trying to get an accountability buddy to help keep you motivated and maybe give you that extra nudge really helpful. This can be someone close like your girlfriend or a family member. A friend, or even a complete stranger.

And like some people have already said, focus on the smaller things. Try meditating a day, maybe try and find a hobby that really interests you that gets you out and about. I like to go to a game store and play board games. Slowly try and go to the gym ramping up the intensity and frequency over time!

The most important thing is to be patient with yourself through this time, but keep grinding and trying. You may get off the wagon on the 1st or 2nd attempt but maybe by the 5th time around you will find a way to really stick with the new habits and attitude.

I can relate with you. I graduated july 2018, i'm currently still unemployed. I have a girlfriend and I have that same fear that she might leave me too.

I have tried to form habits, like morning rituals, exercising, meditation. I have failed the first time where i completely went back to my default routine of just waking up and being a slave to my mind, playing games, masturbating, consuming, procrastinating.

One advice that I gave to myself to facilitate change was to do something. Start something so small, that you think it's a joke to you. Eg. if I want to exercise, I ask myself to do 1 pushup. And just do it. But I end up doing more than 1 pushup because it was that easy. You can apply that concept to other areas of your life, like starting to find out what you like, finding a career that you think you will like. Take small actions, achieve small wins in your day.

Another thing that helps me to "win" my day is to journal in the morning. Which I still fail to do it on most days. But on days that I journal, I focus on writing 3 things that I wish to do on the day. To change I have to force myself to do things I've never done or feel uncomfortable doing. An example of 3 things I may wish to accomplish for the day is this. 1. Workout at the gym 2. Research or apply for jobs (to secure interviews) 3. Read at least 1hr a day to cultivate a reading habit. (I'm reading Tools of Titans by Tim Ferriss at moment.)

Just to throw this out, one last advice that I think resonated with me was to find out my why. Figure out your reason for existence on this planet earth. A good start is to watch Simon Sinek's Start with why, you can find it on youtube.

If all this advice sounds like too much, my single advice is this: Do something, start small.

I was in your shoes at the beginning of this year. I had never dealt with a bout of depression before and it eventually came to pass for a few reasons.

First and foremost, I felt like I was trapped in my hometown after leaving college. I always had an idea of what job I wanted and knew it would take me away from home. But I never pulled the trigger on it. That fact alone, purposely living away from my values and my own desire created a huge amount of stress in my life.

I was in a 6 year relationship back then and I always told myself that either I had to kill my interest in that field and find something local or kill the part of me so invested in my girlfriend. I never made a decision on that either. Ultimately, she made the decision and dumped me because I wasn’t moving. I just stayed home and played video games, but that wouldn’t have been nearly as bad if I didn’t absolutely hate myself. She saw it, I felt it, it was torturous. But it doesn’t have to be that way.

I felt super entitled to a good job after leaving school. I applied for all these “reach” jobs then got angry when I didn’t even get a call back. The job search made me humble. I got a job at a hardware store because one of my friends told me they needed people. Being active made me lose weight, engage socially with people, and gave me a glimpse of purpose. (Additionally a burning hatred for retail).

Small victories are where you begin and they’re what you need. A bunch of people will tell you to make your bed every morning as a first victory. Start building up habits. If that means hopping in the shower everyday or going outside for a ten minute walk, then great! Start there. If that means getting your gym rotation back, start there. It’s up to you, but for your own sake, you must start moving.

Be honest with yourself and give your 100% best effort every day. Most of all be kind to yourself, give yourself time to think, and be healthy (mentally and physically).

PM me if you want to talk.

You were doing well in uni, but you dropped out? Why? If you want quality advice that's not generic, we need more info like this.

What's your living situation?

Hey, I’m in a similar position. I find leaving the house and going somewhere else to do specific tasks helps. For example, going and doing job applications in a coffee shop or the library. Just being in public makes me more accountable and more likely to not spend all day procrastinating.

This was me for the summer and fall. Starting work and needing to have my shit together has been good for me (and wanting to do it well, eg meal prep for the week, workout to be fit but also to balance out sitting at a desk, which is really bad for flutes and hamstrings).

Also not having regular friends to see things to do sucks the meaning out of life, and makes me realize how all these goods habits of seeing friends and doing things is really important (for me at least).

Now I have something interesting to do and am meeting people and doing things!

Also it's an unusual luxury not to have to work and have your shit together.

Not a doctor but check our r/ADHD. Even if you're not, theres a lot of information on dealing with procrastination and feeling lazy when your actually not

I'm in the same spot, but one year later. Gf left me, parents are trying to boot me, friends don't call me. You're one year away from being completely alone and at rock bottom. I think we both need assistance from a behavioural psychologist. Today's the day to start day 1.

Have a chat with your girlfriend. Explain what's going on and that you're doing your best but it's not going well and just be open about it. I'm sure she'll understand and be supportive. That way she understands it's something you're trying to deal with in yourself and that it's not just you having no more interest or anything... I'd try do a project related to my skillset. I tend to hide away in projects but it's a great way to build a portfolio and practice. Would recommend

RE,work: I'd just look for opportunity.. get hold of anything you can and just take it from there. It's amazing how that can put structure back into your life. Just having that regularity can be helpful and I find boosts confidence.

To me it looks like you have nothing to do and dont have any reason to do anything. Identify your goals and obejctives and start going for it.

Everytime you reach a goal or change a goal you need to set new ones. I expect you started your masters because you didnt know what else to do.

Sit down, meditate, work out how you would love to spend your day, work out how you are going to achieve it (small steps and increments) and get on with it.

No goals or objectives. Get your finger out and get on.

Also you could be earning money and saving to go travelling, or for a car, or a bike, paying your debts , new TV whatever instead of rotting. You need a goal,

Damn I wish I had my degree... Don't fucking waste it.

Been there, enjoyed long idle years after graduation as I did not want to become and fail at becoming a productive member of society. My only advice: at least move your lazy ass to the gym and work out again. If you get in shape, get stronger, you will want to do more stuff.

My simple advice to you would be to block destructive distractions, especially early in the day. Internet, video games, TV, etc. There are several programs out there for blocking websites, for TV or video game consoles I would literally get them out of the house.

The problem with the explosion in technology is that we all of a sudden our minds are okay doing nothing because we can fill our time with random garbage and feel entertained. You need to make it so you have NOTHING to do except positive activities.

Side note: don't punish yourself too hard mentally. This is really common nowadays, lots of people go through it. Personally, I had this lost feeling into my LATE 20s and I am good now. But youre going to have to fet uncomfortable if you want to move forward

It’s difficult to start a plan if you don’t have a goal. If you can identify a career goal, that gives you something you can put maybe 2 hours a day towards and then scheduling in things like working out, cleaning, morning journal, cooking healthy, and searching for some part time work. you need to do these things (or whatever works for you) everyday day and tell yourself that you’re not going to feel like it doing it but you need to and that you’re going to feel overwhelmed about planning for the future but need to work through that. I’ve been paralyzed by anxiety and depression and structure and routine are what I needed. What I said might not be the key but right now pick a career that’s realistic and spend 2 hours a day at a coffee shop or library looking at ways to work towards. A goal keeps you focused and motivated to do those important daily things that keep your mental and physical health in good condition. Just my opinion tho, good luck

You stumbled, but you haven't fallen yet at all.

Something that helped me a lot initially was taking the time to take stock of the people around me and how much they mean to me, more importantly, how much I meant to them. You have people that love and support you, don't take it for granted, make it part of what drives you.

Everyone goes through a little stagnation in their life, you noticed this particular case is a harmful situation and genuinely want to change the way you're doing things. And you will make it.

You've got a college degree, a supportive relationship (from what I can gather), and the self awareness to recognize the need for change. At 23 there's still a whole world of things to come, maybe we can't control what they are but we can damn well control our reactions.

Be proud of yourself for taking this first step to becoming the version of yourself that you want to see in the mirror.

You. Got. This.

Hey, recent-ish grad here. Get to doing anything. Literally anything. Get a part-time job, start a youtube channel, commit to going out with friends once a week and go from there.

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I feel your pain, man. Life until we get leave uni is pretty much on-rails and simple enough to navigate. Once you're out and you have to fend for yourself, that shit gets tricky.

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To be fair, though. 23 is still super young. You could really waste a few years and then come back all guns blazing after you hit rock bottom. But don't do that. Just get yourself together, remember how much shit you used to do, and then find the willpower to start actively taking control of your life.

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Good luck. This isn't a token offer: message me privately if you want to vent. I was in your position until very recently, so I know how adrift you feel right now.

What's the cause behind your lack of motivation? Could it be depression? Consider seeing a doctor and getting that checked out first. All the discipline tricks in the world won't be useful if you don't treat the root cause, in that scenario.

You sound like me 6 weeks ago. Exactly like me....

What helped me was this:

1) Set a date and time to start owning your life. Make the date 12/15 @ 12:15pm or something.

2) Before you start the 'owning' process, prepare for it slowly. Start taking out your clothes, plan your workout routine, plan your diet, etc.

3) 10 minutes before 12/15 @ 12:15, begin with a single motivating youtube video. Then cut off your computer and get in gear.

I acted this way after I got my Masters degree. I think it's because I was intimidated and scared/nervous to start an actual career and had no idea where to start. Eventually, I started waking up early every day and laying in my bed applying to as many jobs as I could find. That kinda kick started me getting up and being a productive human because I'd feel good about sending out applications then I finally got a job (completely unrelated to my field but it's still a dope job and ended up living at the beach for it). So if you just start with things you're comfortable with, at least in my experience, you'll start picking up back where you left off. :) Good luck.

After graduation depression is REAL, I jumped into a job bc I wanted to support myself and my girlfriend ( while shes going through school). But I've hated every job I've held so far. I think that taking some time to recoup with life puts things in perspective though. You begin to realize that school isn't everything and life has some really decent moments. I'd say dont push yourself too hard and dont use extrinsic values to judge yourself. Just have fun, be in the present moment, and daydream about how you can put steps towards improving your life, One block at a time. Good luck!

Go get a job you fucking hate; wait tables or something. That will motivate you do something actually enjoy.

You could take some time to write down how your life will be 5 years from now if you continue wasting your life (not trying to be demeaning, I've also felt this complete lack of motivation for extended periods of time) and how it could in 5 years if you pick yourself up from the dirt. Take at least half an hour to be as precise as you can.

https://www.reddit.com/r/personalfinance/comments/a3zhsq/z/ebaawnc

I suggest this is your 'year abroad'. Circle a date on the calendar. That's your return date. On that date get 3 phone numbers to call. It can be a certification program, a graduate school, a headhunter, or a doctor. Anything you are drawn to. Call them. Meanwhile, enjoy the last of your lazy year!

Get a basic job which forces you to wake up a certain time. I’m resitting a year a uni and am staying at home. Having a job helps me to stay accountable despite the shit pay and difficult work. This can help you to maintain a schedule and rhythm to your life which is very important. I spent around 7 months waking up whenever I wanted and doing nothing all day so I can say it’s kinda worked.

i'm a procrastinator too, and something i think it has helped me is not thinking to much about doing the stuff i want to do, because i always find myself trying to avoid it or postpone it.

I feel you brother. I am struggling with my life and being lazy. I KNOW that I am fucking up and wasting my life, but somehow that isn't enough for me to actually get up and do anything. It's really hard.

Yeah I'd have to say my advice would be to go out and do something. If you dont have the willpower then fake it till you make it. Realizing the problems are the first step but complaining about it and doing nothing to improve the situation is useless. Everyone fucks up their life every day in every way might as well embrace it and give it a shot.

On a lighter note.. the word "uni", just type the full word lol.

20-30 is the most weird time of your life, just sail ahead!

I haven’t read the other comments- I am sure there is good advice in there.

My advice- just start with something- anything. Pick a thing- driving, a job, get fit, do a drawing, anything and start with that. Achieving a little helps and starts you on the way. Also once a week- lets say Sunday morning, go for a walk, no headphones or distractions for 30-60 minutes. Then come home and plan your week.

Doing these 2 small things is enough to change it all.

Give these articles a read.

https://psychologycompass.com/blog/using-intrinsic-motivation/

https://www.theguardian.com/society/2014/nov/09/look-back-in-joy-the-power-of-nostalgia

People tend to be disconnected with their future selves. If you don't begin practicing habits now, you might continue to put it off for a tomorrow that will never come. You have to behave like you are living in the future. You are what you want to be.

Use intrinsic motivation and nostalgia to add meaning to your work and life. People who suffer from depression often don't find the reason to continue practicing good habits because they don't see "why" ; Nostalgia helps you associate meaning to long term goals. Nostalgia is powerful though, use it sparingly. Practice mindfulness to stay in the present.

Stay off social media for a bit.

Take baby steps. Clean your room, make your bed. Go out for a brisk walk. Take a cold shower in the morning (it boosts testosterone production). Brush your hair and eat well. Then sit down and write an easy To Do list and follow through with each one. You can do this. Consistency is key.

If you feel overwhelmed, take slow deep breaths. This will slow down your heart rate and should calm you down. Try to avoid dramatizing the future, and focus on the present. Today is all that matters. Do what you can, to be the best version of you.

Oprah is pretty inspiring in this: https://youtu.be/hIKFEkO3Qss

It might be a long shot but I'd recommend getting your testosterone levels checked. Low T can cause depression, fatigue and brain fog. Happened to me

So, this really hit home (I actually had posted something extremely similar the other day on here and received A LOT of fantastic advice from people). My situation might be a little different from yours, but I can at least tell you what I've been through.

When I was in my teens I used to work out all the time, ate clean, and absolutely loved nutrition and exercise. Then, my first semester of college, I was in an extremely bad car wreck that SHOULD have killed me. Yet, here we are. That was the catalyst that sent me spiraling out of control. I'll spare all the details, but it brought on depression, PTSD, and anxiety.

It took me about 6 years before I was able to walk normally again cause I messed up my knee. Since then, I've gained about 80 pounds, lost my passion for working out and eating well, and have been struggling to bring myself to do much of anything.

I don't know what your catalyst is/was. I don't know if even you know. But I think it's important to find out WHY you're feeling this way now. What changed? Really look inside yourself, and try to find out who you really are. Was your whole identity tied to those old activities? It's gonna take a lot of soul searching, and many folks are hesitant/resistant to seeing whatever faults they may have within themselves, but it's important that you do that self discovery.

I was with a girl for 7 1/2 years. I spiraled out of control and hit absolute rock bottom in 2012. I knew I was falling apart. And I asked her, "Please, promise me you won't leave," because I knew this was a temporary thing that I'd be able to fix EVENTUALLY. She promised. And then 2 years later she left. That was 4 years ago. I tell you this because I don't want you to make the same mistakes I made. I don't want you to wait until it's too late and you end up burning bridges because you're struggling with something that's outside your control.

Talk to a doctor. I waited too long. But do some research and find a GOOD doctor. I wasn't sure how to bring up my problems, so I mentioned it to my general practitioner when I was having a yearly physical done. He referred me to a psychiatrist. I was open and honest with him, we started with some medication (bear in mind I was resistant to that for 11 years), and added in weekly therapy. It was night and day. It helped me A LOT. I'm not saying that it's gonna be easy. And, keep in mind, medicine can have DIFFERENT effects on people, so it's important to keep in touch with your doctor and let them know what's going on. It's not weakness. You're showing a lot of bravery for requesting help.

Once you're able to take care of those issues, figuring out the cause of your current state, you can start rebuilding. The advice I got from folks was to start small. SUPER small. Get up, make your bed. That's it. It doesn't seem like much, but it's SOMETHING. It's something that's easy to do. And it's accomplishing something that you can take pride in.

I wish you the best, and please, if you have any questions feel free to reach out.

Everyday is a class. There is always a quiz tomorrow.
Grades will be in the form of
paychecks and promotions,
adventures and experiences.

Have you considered trying to get free online therapy / advice from 7 cups?

It sounds like you're in a bit of a downward spiral. The two things I would focus on is the job search and exercise. The best way is to start very small and with a much broader strategy. Trying to get a job? Set a timer for 5-10 minutes, or more or less, depending on whatever makes you say "Okay, I can commit to [x] minutes right now without it feeling overwhelming". Start looking at jobs on Indeed or LinkedIn. Get an idea for what's out there and what your credentials match up to. Don't worry about applying, just get familiar with the opportunities. Take a break and either come back later in the day or the next day for another 10 minutes. Look at your resume and start to define what it needs. Again, you don't have to start editing it or anything yet, just figure out your strategy and tangible goals.

Same goes for exercise or meditation. See if you can do 5-10 minutes of running, or run around the block. Any amount that doesn't seem overwhelming. Let you define this minimum time but make sure you stick to it.

As you contribute small time increments, you're going to start a feeling of accomplishment that will start to unwind the downward spiral and reverse in the opposite direction. Finding a job and getting back in shape are big tasks that are easier managed in smaller increments until you get into a rhythm.

Jordan B Peterson, clean your room bucko

Sounds like you are depressed.

Who is supporting you? Putting a roof over your head and giving you food to eat? You've got an enabler somewhere. They need to stop ASAP.

Going hungry and knowing you've got to make rent in 4 weeks will sharpen the mind and determination in wonderful ways.
The transition between college and the working world can be a huge, huge transition. But it sounds like you never even made the transition. Find a job, any job as soon as possible.

Now I'm literally doing nothing. Literally nothing...

You don't need to do anything if you have nothing to achieve, right?

I think I'm just waiting for my girlfriend to get fed up by my shocking laziness and leave.

Well, are you?

I keep trying to form small habits

Why?

I tell myself I'm going to fuck up my life

Good job programming your subconscious mind /s

But I swear that just makes me even lazier

Oh, look! It's working!

I realise now that I can't find my way out of this one

If you don't believe you can find a way no amount of advice will help you find a way.

If you are trapped then trying to yank yourself out of it by force will only hurt you. Close yourself in an empty room and do completely nothing until you know exactly what to do (especially nothing distracting like looking at screens!). You can also go to an expert, but it's expensive and takes much longer. All the answers are within, the world contains no problems.

I know this will sound weird but start taking Modafinil or LSD microdosing. Either of them will get you out of your rut. They will kill your depression, laziness and procrastination. Also, both of them are suprizingly harmless.