Comment on ELI5 why you sometimes get discouraged when someone ask you to do something and what’s it called

1. Focus on a core fact at a time or on a single request at a time.
2. Ask nicely.
3. Be willing to compromise at some level.
4. Don't make promises or offers that you can't fulfill. This kills trust in the long run.
5. If you promise something as an incentive, be prepared to follow through with it. Unfulfilled promises are just as bad.
6. Explain your arguments, why and how you think the way you think, don't just describe your point of view as the only correct answer.
7. Avoid calling people wrong or mistaken. Explain yourself, don't demean others.
8. Emphasize that everyone has a right to a mind of their own. This means that if their final decision is no, then it is no.
9. Respect alternative explanations to what you believe that agree with the core facts or plans.
10. Remember, other people are valuable and worthy members of society, even if they don't agree with you on the subject at hand or refuse to cooperate with you. Communicate this effectively.
11. Be welcoming and warm when people show a will to cooperate, even if they don't fully agree with you on the topic.
12. If they are already doing what you need them to do, or already agree with you on the important core fact. Let it go, be thankful with them, be grateful that things are the way they are, move on with your day.

tl;dr Don't be a dick about it.

Offer alternatives you'll be happy with them choosing e.g..

Your child has to wear shoes. "Please put on your shoes" = tantrum, defiance etc. Rather... "Would you like to wear the red shoes or the green shoes?" = they choose. They feel in charge since they can choose the one they prefer.

Two options is easiest. Three is probably maximum for a young child. More than that and there will be chaos. Stick to two.

Collaborative Problem Solving is an evidenced-based approach where you, as the adult, express your concern and allow the kid to problem solve the solution (e.g., “I’m worried we are going to be late because it’s taking a long time for you to get ready, what can we do about it?”). Essentially it gives the kid ownership of the process and makes them more likely to follow through with the proposed solution.

There’s a nice TED Talk “Rethinking Challenging Kids” where the approach is explained.

if they are already doing the thing you want them to do, then there is no need to push them more. Encourage them! Positive reinforcement is a POWERFUL tool with kids and youth in general.

Let them talk to you about stuff you don't want them to do. If they talk you through it they might question their decision later to be involved with it.

Give a choice. For example if you were going to clean the bathroom and you wanted them to was the dishes you would say clean the bathroom and they might do it but if they say they don't want to say that if they do the dishes they don't have to clean the bathroom and you'll clean it instead. They will agree however this still doesn't mean they want to do it but they might feel like they got the better end of the deal

Not as related, but my mom would always tell me how upset she got when her parents told her to do chores (right before she started doing them on her own), which put her out of the mood completely.

With my brother and I, I believe she tried very hard to avoid this, and would end up passive aggressively mentioning how nobody was helping her with the dishes (though she's say she was almost done at that point if we offered to help).

I realize that most of the blame would've been on me, but I never actually knew when she wanted help because she would never tell us. It became a little frustrating, because I would've been happy to help if she had just let us know that she needed it.

What I'd learn from this is: definitely don't just avoid asking for help entirely.

Just want to say that if you want a good book on motivation you want Why We Do What We Do by Edward Deci

The other commenter made good points, but I wanted to add one: give them a choice.

“Would you rather take a bath or go to bed?”

“Would you rather have Mac and cheese or chicken fingers”

It helps them feel like they’re in control of the situation while also getting them to do whatever it is that needs doing sans tantrum

For one if you see your kid moving from one part of the house to another, start off by asking "what are you up to?" instead of saying "Great, you're up, go do your chores".

Best thing to do is that get in a mind set that makes you understand that it was your primary objective to complete the act of washing dishes which originated as your idea thus you can forget about the fact that someone else told you to do the dishes because their words are irrelevant you were already going to do it . Do this couple times and you will get use to ignoring that type of sutiations.

Step 1. Dont be an ass Step 2. Dont be a flat earther

Read some books about persuasion by caldini or Scott adams. You can find caldinis principals of persuasion with a Google search.

You might be looking for the Overjustification Effect!

The overjustification effect occurs when an expected external incentive such as money or prizes decreases a person's intrinsic motivation to perform a task. The overall effect of offering a reward for a previously unrewarded activity is a shift to extrinsic motivation and the undermining of pre-existing intrinsic motivation. Once rewards are no longer offered, interest in the activity is lost; prior intrinsic motivation does not return, and extrinsic rewards must be continuously offered as motivation to sustain the activity.

https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Overjustification_effect

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You should tell everyone this is the one.

Hey, if you want a free advice from a stranger, just go to the gym without telling anyone, and it's fine if you miss a visit or two, hell I once paid for a month and didn't go once, the thing is that you just try again the next time, you will start to slowly feel better. And if for some reason you stop going you can always try again. i know that finding motivation is hard as fuck , but being healthy makes you feel better physically qnd mentally.

Nope, it's because exercise is hard and so is eating less. I say you shouldn't do either of those. And don't you dare try to prove me wrong!

Interesting question!

One of the theories that attempts to describe 'why irrational effects/biases happen' is called Error Management Theory.

The ELI5 on that one is: there are two types of mistakes a human can make, one being the false positive (evacuating for a fire that turns out to be a false alarm), and the other a false negative (not evacuating for a fire alarm when it turns out to be a real fire)

The theory states that most biases and effects come forth from one mistake being more severe than the other - in the fire alarm example, the false negative has much more severe consequences, so the best course of action is not to think about it and always evacuate, even if it sometimes leads to false positives.

Applying this to Reactance, we can identify the errors as follows:

False negative: we refuse to do or think something that is actually correct

False positive: we accept to do or think something that is actually wrong

Which is more severe? Perhaps because of attempts at manipulation or to keep our opinions and views stable, Reactance would say that the false positive is more dangerous. And so, without thinking, refusing to do what others tell us to do is the safer default option, even if it sometimes leads to false negatives.