EDIT:Thanks Reddit for making me laugh from all the great answers. <3
EDIT:Thanks Reddit for making me laugh from all the great answers. <3
Thought I had a great answer but can now see you were asking about seals.
Well, you hit that one on the head.
Its fate is sealed.
It's time to seal the deal. I'm a seal dealer, JEEZ I've told you that like a hundred times!
I guess it's time to heal the seal, people seem to keep swinging at it.
If you seal the deal, shouldn't you be a deal sealer instead of a seal dealer?
You can seal a seal deal because you are a seal dealer.
You can deal a sealer deal dealer seal deal deal seal?
Sounds like a deal.
How many deals could a seal dealer deal if seal dealer could seal deals?
How many deals could a seal dealer deal if a seal dealer could deal seals?
FTFY
Well my lips are sealed
Damn tongue twisters. I almost had it.
For the frozen throne!
The seal is fated.
TO DIE.
Boo! I want to pelt this pun thread with tomatoes.
Join the club
U ain't lion
It's fate is clubbed.
This comment is underrated.
And skinned off all the pretense.
God damn it that was fucking clever
Yep, shoulda known it was the polar opposite.
Hit that one on the thread.
Why hasn't anyone given you gold yet?
Hit it really fucking hard, too, that's important.
Haa! Punster
I concur.
well im interested now. whats ur great answer?
Oh my god this entire thread is about clubbing actual seals not well thought out metaphors to the clubbing experience I'm so stupid.
[I ♣ baby seals] (http://static.fjcdn.com/pictures/I_e16d76_830771.jpg)
underrated comment
2nd highest in my app now
How about you tell us your great answer then?
I came to this thread hoping to read actual answers... but after seeing the first answer, I noticed that the question did not have a Serious Tag. :-/
Well there's a new thread.
Well, this gets my seal of approval.
What's your great answer
Great comment. But it worked slightly better earlier today when it was the 3rd or 4th ranked one, not the top comment.
You have to select the correct club. In most cases you can use a one wood. That is, unless your seal is elusive, you may use a lesser wood with more strikes to club your seal
Or maybe just go shoot some golfs...
Wanna give it anyway mate.
Well, in Belgium a "seal" is also referred to as the little white enveloppe you get your cocain in. So this works on both levels i guess.
Join the Seal Club in high school to get a head start.
Wow, this comment went way over my head
Here is everything you need to know about seal clubbing
http://kol.coldfront.net/thekolwiki/index.php/Seal_Clubber
You thought Redditors went out at night to dance in clubs. That's adorable.
They were not.
Don't bother with the woosh.
I counter with a swish.
Man too bad this thread isn't about clubbing in other sense because I would have been able to give so much good advice!
Seriously though if you want some real advice about clubbing feel free to PM me and I can help you out with good clubbing areas and etiquette so you can have a fun and safe first time clubbing seals!
Yeah dude good clubbing etiquette like dont snake your buddy's seal, distract the fat seal so your buddy can club the skinny one, and make sure every part of the seal gets used.
Clubbing etiquette doesn't sound very clubby to me
Get drunk before you go. It takes the edge off when you remember you're taking something's life.
[deleted]
Yes.
Canadian. We know your secrets.
[deleted]
You don't talk about it
Talk about what?
Lol KKK, the Kub Klubber Klub.
These two comments of yours equal more than my entire 4 years of actively attempting to be worth a shit on reddit.
Just a fact of the day.
He's too nice, get him
Fuck you! Now I really want to know.
Of all the reddit jokes, this is one of my most hated
i love hilearous internet jokes lmao
When, at its end, you come to look back on your life; when your final seconds tick inexorably away, and you try with what little energy remains to assess your place in the world and your impact upon the grand theatre of existence, contributions like this will leave you ashamed and clawing for the tablets that will speed your departure. It isn't too late to change: become the person you should be, not the shadow you are.
im sorry i just liek memes and funny internet jokes like this 1 so lighten up i mean jesus
To see the light before you, you must first open your eyes.
Go home
Clubbing baby seals trying to get through the gate underage...
whats the difference
Nothing. Something is getting hit on either way.
My club is smashing something.
zing
This was amazing.
Nice. Niiiiiice.
If you're lucky you might even get to stick your dick in it. You know, either way.
And properly fucked, if you're doing it right.
The best time to club seals is while they sleep.
thing vs one.
Which club you wind up using.
About 5 bank accounts, 3 ounces and 2 vehicles.
Indoor heating.
Seal Clubbing http://imgur.com/68Vj9fp
I see what you did there.
An action packed night of seal clubbing, to be followed by a trip to waffle house and more clubbing of all the things.
Patrick, why are you sweating?
..."So...this baby seal walked into a club..."
drops mic...
Knight-clubbing. I prefer a mace.
Dark Knight Clubbing.....Why so Serious?
Clubbing seals at night
It's always a good time for some seal clubbing!
I hear dolphin clubbing is a thing in Japan.
what's seal-clubbing m8, these comments confuse me
I've worked in the seal clubbing industry, it's both with those guys.
Come on, his movies weren't that bad.
Sea clubbing at night.
Seals?
My office official knows I spend my mornings on Reddit after falling out of my chair giggling. Thank you.
¿Por que...um...los nos dos something la biblioteca?
http://imgur.com/yL44nxS
Yes, it works at night too.
So start with a bar and then move up to a club?
Fucking savage
I came here expecting something like this, but not on such a grand scale.
I love how this has more upvotes than the post itself.
When you go to slay a seal, ALWAYS aim for the head. The club seems to have a profound effect there
It's a great pity that this is so far down the thread.
Not anymore!
Came here to say Pregame yeah
Drunk? Take X.
I'm watching lord of war and tripping on mushrooms. Your comment was so fucked up in this instance of my life.
This is actually really fucking accurate. Getting drunk before you go is the only way you can handle the idiots that took too much molly before THEY got there...
Oooh...clever. The beginning sounded correct and then I had to re-read the last sentence like 4 times before realizing that you in fact used "you're" correctly.
Carry on.
Who needs alcohol?
Found Aaron Hernandez.
That really took a left turn.
We call it "Pre-Gaming"
I love this because it was the first one I saw and it took me a little bit to understand.
One of the best comments on reddit
I needed that laugh, thank you.
Love the car bar, hate $12 cocktails.
Someone's
Hi ed
Baby seals, here I come!
It will sharpen you up for some of the good old 'ultra-violence'
6 shots of tequila before you enter the door is always good!
BYOC - Don't expect freebies.
He's talking about the dance floor.
Best thing I've read in awhile.
And it's usually WAY cheaper!
This is awesome man haha +1
Don't be afraid to dance. People act like they laugh at people who are genuinely enjoying themselves in perhaps weird way. But they are just jelly.
Alcohol is more expensive in the club so it can safe you a lot of money by just drinking a bit at home. Not to much though since you can get refused at the club if they think you're gonna cost trouble.
If you're going to a fancy club make sure you look like you're going to spend money. This slightens the chance of not getting refused. Bringing a woman for every manof the group will do this too. Sneakers are not allowed at a lot of fancy clubs, so if you have to drive a long time to get there, save yourself the trouble and make sure everyone looks slick.
Assuming you are a man. Girls are at the club for the same reasons you are. Just be confident, have a lot of fun with the people you're already with, and if you see someone you like. Just talk to here (bonus if you're just stepping out to here on your own). If she let's you dance with here this is a good sign. I've seen so much action evolve from a guy just dancing with a girl.
Last tip. Just have fun and avoid drama. The amount of fun will for the most part depend on the group you're with. Going out with crazy people is always a good idea. Crazy in a good way that is. A lot of people get aggresive and teritorial when they drink. These people are not fun too PARTY with.
not too drunk though. Dont want to fuck it up :-)
[deleted]
Ash is the best wood to use. Very strong but also flexible. You can really get some power behind it.
Everyone is so focused on technique, and outcome. The real trick to clubbing is just have fun.
At first I thought this was an actual answer for OP but now I'm not quite sure
Could be both!
I think that's the point of this thread :P
But it's hard to have fun when your arm gets tired from swinging.
[deleted]
[deleted]
Hold the seal for me so it doesn't get away
[deleted]
It's time to celebrate
One more time
I cooked up a mean seal meal
Celebrate and dance so free
Around The World
One more time
One more time
Let's come together, right now, oh yeah!
Music got me feelin' so free 🎶
"And where do my feet go dee?"
Like a kiss from a rose
Song of the sea is a good movie
I WANT TO BREAK FREE
[deleted]
I have a full years worth of experience in the field.
Are you sure a loose seal won't bite my arm off?
i was told the camera would add 10 pounds to my hands
Ok then what do I do with my hands?
Break them... And... Wait for it....
Just find a couple who is going at it at a swinger's club and stand over them while masturbating and cheering the guy on.
fap
Ask Ricky Bobby
http://imgur.com/42q11Px
Jazz hands.
Break them.
This thread is full of twists
woosh
EDIT: new to the formatting thing, usually a mobile user.
Use a lighter club. It's the speed that kills, not the weight.
Isn't it the momentum? You can't club with an inflatable bat no matter how fast you swing it.
I mean, that depends on how serious we wanna get here.
If the bat could somehow be accelerated near the speed of light it would certainly club quite well.
Edit: I have sparked a physics/math off, where people are arguing over my theoretical situation, awesome!
What's the mass of an inflatable bat? If we assume it's about 100g, then traveling at c it has a kinetic energy of 0.5 * 0.1* c^2 = 4.494e15 joules. The bomb dropped on Hiroshima released about 6.3e13 joules of energy. So this is just a little bit more... about 70x.
So a 100g inflatable bat traveling at c and brought to a complete stop on a seals skull releases the same energy as 70 nukes.
This kills the seal.
[Edit] yes, I'm aware relativity is a thing. I don't care. The answer 'the bat has infinite mass and energy' is boring as fuck.
/r/theydidthemath
Seeing as /u/Drasern used a non relativistic kinetic energy formula for an object travelling at c, he did the math wrong.
I'm well aware that an object traveling at c has infinite mass and infinite kinetic energy. But that answer is way less fun.
But it doesn't. The mass is the same, while energy would indeed diverg. The latter means that it doesn't travel at c at all, because it can't.
/r/theydidthemonstermath
/r/itwasagraveyardgraph
He's talking about an object with mass travelling at c. It doesn't matter what formula he uses; this doesn't happen. If, however, he'd been doing it right and got the same kinetic energy, he'd be starting with the club travelling at speed c * sqrt(5) / 3 ≈ 0.745 c relative to the seal's skull.
Before you had my interest, now you have my attention. Go on.
/r/theygotthemathwrong
/r/theydidnotdothephysics
You probably should adjust this. Yoh can't travel AT c while you have mass. Also, since you can keep putting in kinetic energy but v had a limit, eventually at very near c the mass of the bat would increase to compensate.
No, you can travel at c with mass, you just can't accelerate to c. And i didn't bother with increasing the mass due to relativistic effects because the answer 'an infinite amount of energy is released' isn't nearly as fun.
https://what-if.xkcd.com/1/
This also kills the person swinging the bat, and the one holding the seal in place.
The only way to make sure the seal is dead.
Why do we need someone to hold the seal in place
People who get tired from swinging all day need something to keep their hands busy, don't they?
But then when are they gonna rub one out
Cause the seal needs to be sealed?
and creates a new fault line causing earthquakes and volcanic eruptions across the globe
I never thought about the global scale repercussions this might have!
This should be the end of a "kung-fu baseball" style movie
"This kills the seal"
I needed that confirmation
If it were that easy, we could all travel at the speed of light but unfortunately you need to correct for space-time dilation so here is the corrected maths:
Newton's momentum is equal velocity by mass. Einstein's momentum is equal velocity by mass by a correction factor known as Lorentz factor (I'll call it LF).
LF = (1-(V^2 )/(C^2 ))^-1
When V = C, ie when the velocity of the bat reaches that of light, LF becomes 1/0 which is undetermined, but before it reaches that point the bat will gain infinite momentum/energy.
TL:DR a bat moving the the speed of light would break physics.
That is actually less than expected.
That's because he uses the wrong formula, the regular kinetic energy formula doesn't work at relativistic speeds. Any object moving at c would have infinite kinetic energy, and is impossible.
Only on paper.
Close, but not quite. With speeds near c, newtonian physics do not work anymore. You need relativistic formulas to compute the kinetic energy: E(k) = m(0) * c^2 * ((1/sq. root (1-(v^2 /c^2 ))) -1)
If the velocity of the bat equals the speed of light and the weight of the bat is 100 grams, we get
E(k) = 0,1 * ((1/sq. root (1-(c^2 /c^2 ))) -1) = 0,9 * 10^16 * 1/0 - 0,9 * 10^16 = ∞
This is why things with mass can never reach the speed of light by acceleration, you need an infinite amount of energy. If the bat was travelling at 0,99 * c however, it would have the following amount of kinetic energy:
E(k) = 0,1 * 9 * 10^16 * ((1/sq. root (1-((0,99c)^2 /c^2 ))) = 0,9 * 10^16 * 7 - 0,9 * 10^16 = 5,4 * 10^16 joules, or about 857 times the energy of the bomb on Hiroshima. Seems about enough to kill a seal.
Other interesting effects: the bat now weighs 700 grams due to moving this fast, and it became really thin all of a sudden: in the direction of movement it became 7 times as small.
Goddammit, I'm going straight to hell for the laugh this gave me.
Is there a way to calculate how durable this seal would have to be to survive?
This kills the seal.
Urist McSealclubber cancels butcher animal: dangerous terrain.
"This kills the seal"
This is ignoring the relativistic correction factor though. Near c, the energy would tend to infinity.
I guess that Seals it. 4.494e15 joules.
Weight increases with speed... By the time the object has accelerated to c, the weight is infinite, and so is the kinetic energy.
And the hunter and every other living thing in a 10 mile radius of the blast
For that kinetic energy, you're actually travelling at c * √(5) / 3 ≈ 0.745 c.
Yesterday I was thinking about just this.
Science, bitches.
This kills the seal.
And my sides.
The air resistance would melt the club far before it gained enough speed/momentum to successfully club.
What if this happened... in space!? (Seal will die from lack of atmosphere)
What if the seal is perfectly spherical and you club it in vacuum?
Boo! Boo I say! We are talking about theoretical situations for humor in a thread that has been derailed, so again I say Boo!
If you could accelerate to that sort of speed in the amount if space it takes to swing a club, it wouldn't just melt the bat, it would cause fusion reactions along the front surface of the bat and in the air in front of that. Either way, that seal's dead.
Not with THAT attitude, it won't.
Kinetic energy = 1/2mv^2
Since the kinetic energy increases with the square of the speed, an object doubling its speed has four times as much kinetic energy.
But that kinetic energy needs to be transferred and not lost, and you are limited by how fast you can swing your arm. An inflatable bat can be swung just as fast as an aluminum base ball bat for the most part, and the aluminum has a lot more mass
I mean, baby seals aren't going anywhere. Persistence pays off.
P=mv, its not rocket science!
Yeah, not with that attitude.
Well technically you could. It's just humanly impossible. Try swinging an inflatable bat with a machine at 10,000m/s.
Given the definition of momentum, that's not true at all. You'd just have to swing it really, really fast.
actually it's the trauma you can have an object be 6lbs and be swung at 70 Mph but if it doesn't hit, it won't do jack.
Not with that attitude.
The most relevant quantity is the number of Gs experienced by the "clubbing buddy".
Don't tell me how to live my life!!!
Do you have proof to back this?
What about the momentum?!
Heavy head with a lighter shaft, remember to let the club do most of the work.
Well, if it has too much weight, you lose power over the swing.
True, it needs to be balanced.
K.E. = 1/2mv^2 . If you halve the mass, and double the velocity, you get double the energy!
that was funny. like, that shit got me. I wanted to give you gold but, well, maybe after i pay next month's rent. Nice Job.
Don't be a seal.
Honestly telescopic batons are alright unless you're all about size.
I don't know man, I like clubbing to slower music. Killing it more slowly feels much more satisfying and as a bonus you can last longer. So you can hit the club after you finish clubbing.
It's more the sudden stopping that kills actually.
You're right, what we need is an auto clubber. Think of the efficiency!
It's especially hard when both your arms are broken
Do you have a penis handy?
It's all in the technique, lift the club with your muscles, but let gravity do the work on the way down, just guide it to the soft spot on the baby seal's head. You just want to kill the seal, not pound it into the ice flow.
swangin' and bangin'
[Then hows this method?] (http://gfycat.com/SophisticatedBronzeCowrie)
Cortisone shots for your clubbing elbow
This is also a good tip for going to nightclubs.
Going to nightclubs. Clubbing. What the difference?
About five bank accounts, three ounces, and two vehicles.
That's the difference between me and you.
Or we could start at the penis, or scream 'I don't give a fuck' and see who means it.
Is this to The Difference Between Us? Because I keep singing to that tune.
It's Dr. Dre - What's the Difference
Although I do like the other guys answer.
Nah, it's "Explain our Differences" by Dr.Snoopdogg
What's the Difference - Dre, Ph.D
The Difference Between Exploiting & Being Exploited - Dr. Phil
Instructions unclear, chopped off someone's penis and then screamed "Try fucking now!" Now police are here.
Try getting a reservation at Dorsia now, you fucking stupid bastard!
This guy fucks.
Can we do it with our windows down and our systems up?
We can,but remember to put one of those fingers on each hand up.
I suggest you hold your breath till there ain't none left.
Bitch I'm bad for your health, like putting a pistol up to your face and blasting yoursellf
Damn son
you and I*
Never thought an xzibit reference would ever be handy. Got em
And which one is for the rich guys?
The more expensive one.
Something something baby seals.
You talk a good one
You amazing son of a bitch.
If I had gold to give, I'd give it to you Mr Xzibit friend
Holy shit I didn't get the reference at first, wasn't reading it right
I was checking song samples and found that that one was sampled from a 1966 or so Charles Aznavour song. My dad likes his songs and I like the raps based on them, or at least this one. Dre sampled for like every beat I know of his.
FUCKING LOL
And several tons of dead web-footed aquatic mammals.
He's referring to seal clubbing as opposed to nightclub clubbing.
Wait. This thread isn't about seal clubbing? Well shit, I'm out.
now it is
welcome to the seal cub clubbing club my friend
http://imgur.com/Jg7DFot
The main rule when drinking while Clubbing is to not break the seal.
I thought that was the point?
Depends on the day. On Tuesdays (family nights) we catch and release.
whats the point of even drinking then ?
This need more points had me head over heels
Jesus, people can club entire nightclubs? Do they run around and bop people as fast as they can before the bouncers catch up to them, or is it just a single thwack from something as big as the entire building?
The bouncer usually confiscates my SealBasher5000
that must have been a sealball court, wrong sport
The Atlantic Ocean.
I figured nightclubs had a lot of lights so you could see what you're hitting.
The former doesn't [club you to death] (https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=pFS4zYWxzNA) as fast.
I second this. Seals have great pelts and it is all worth it at the end of the clubbing.
I see we're in the swing of things now.
Good god man! I'm a normal guy, not a psychopath!!
If you're not having fun, then what's the point?
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=V2yQJGQYLCM
Got a guide for the noobs.
I'm so late to this, but seriouslt thats all it is. Stop caring about anyone else. Go in there and have fun. It's honestly all you need to do. Otherwise why did you come out.
yeah. if you're having a good time people see that and wanna join in on the fun. if you're not in a good mood, save your time and money for another night because you're probably not going to have much fun.
Fuck, there's a technique? What stretches do you recommend before hand? Do I bring a yoga mat?
Dear 21 year old, nobody knows what the fuck they are doing, signed, a 91 year old.
...and to not be sober.
Just make sure you look tight at the clurb.
So goood.
Also, finding a good club can really help. I find stone to be far superior to wood.
Not sure if serious response or not...
Spotted the PUA
THIS. Me and my friends would always just get crazy drunk then go act like complete fucktards. We didn't really like the club scene so we'd be those guys doing choreographed group dances from movies. Specifically "Grind"
Club like no one is watching.
Honestly, everyone here is just over-thinking this whole thing. If you're gonna be so self-conscious about everything you do while clubbing, how can you expect to have fun (which is the whole point)?
This.
The more seals the better.
She's up all night to the sun. I'm up all night to get some. She's up all night for good fun. I'm up all night to get lucky.
wear goggles as well. Seal cub brains in your eyes is no fun.
No, it's the necklace made from eyeballs. It's juicy so it only lasts for the night, but it twinkles better than diamonds.
This one gets it !
I am a bartender, and like /u/publickinagain said: just go clubbing don't expect a thing , and things will happen. I have learned a thing or two from my job. don't plan anything, change the way you think (if it is the case) . for example:
just go have fun damn it.
Swing that hakapik boy!
Also really liking the music and being at least a bit intoxicated IMHO...
.... And realize that you can't avoid airborne chlamydia.
I really should have specified this more shouldn't I..?
Tomorrow on AskReddit:
[Serious] How necessary is the "serious" tag for questions with a potential double meaning?
[deleted]
Always an Electric Bogaloo.
Can you feel it?...boogie woogie woogie
Electric Boogaloo is only part 2.
I'm not sure if I'm ready for that right now. I'm a little messy back there. Need to tidy up first. You have to plan ahead for these types of things.
Just make sure it's clean before you insert it. ( ͡° ͜ʖ ͡°)
Pikachu Electric Boogaloo?
No, it's part two. Riachu Electric Bogaloo.
Ah, yes, the ol' Reddit Bogaloo
Hold my seal, I'm going in.
Never an Electric Bride?
Why not? I mean, its electric man. It's like all futuristic and shit. Who wouldn't like that kind of bugualoo?
Bird Jesus 2 electric Boogaloo. Never forget!
Will the Thrill be different?
This is askreddit, not answerreddit
Answer: Very.
OP please?
[meta]
That would be way better without the [Serious] tag.
TOMORROW IS NOW
Top comment is just a link to this thread.
I wonder what would happen if that question was asked without the [Serious] tag...
Very, because this website has one of the worst communities on the internet. If you're gonna make a joke, at least make it funny ffs.
Not at all, this is MUCH better.
[deleted]
It's perfect for Reddit, because it's the same joke with different words
The variations on the wording of this joke make it perfect for Reddit.
These jokes are well-received by Reddit, due to the subtle changes made.
Redditors love to put their own spin on the same joke, so it works out well.
The jocular tone and variety in word choice make this well-suited for Reddit.
Reddit likes this, because it's slightly different wording of the same joke.
The joke won't need to change, if the phrase does, reddit will like it.
Reddit likes this because with very tiny changes, you can have infinite combinations of the same joke.
It's the right fit for reddit by using a joke multiple times in different forms.
Changing the joke and then saying guild me makes this joke consistently perfect for this site
This joke is a good fit for guilding because reddit loves modified versions of what it is already familiar with.
It's perfect for Reddit, because it's the same joke with different words
As long as the juxtaposition of words are varied, the Reddit community will not bat an eye.
Variety is the spice of life. Too much variety (or spice) could be overpowering. So, let's stay consistent as far as which jokes we tell, but spice things up by using different words.
these jokes also maintain the pattern and this is why they are well liked by reddit
Once you've discovered the formula, just switch it around one molecule at a time. Reddit loves that.
Just dive right in and make your own slightly altered pun based off the classics that came before it. If you break your arms, you mom will help you with important things. Reddit is quite fond of stuff of this nature. Natures candy.
Well, after all, people on Reddit do seem to like repeating the same joke over and over again. Sometimes they alter the words slightly, when they bother to even do that.
Tell the same joke. Change some words. Reap the Karma.
Just change up the word order of the joke and reddit will love it.
Came here from the other AskReddit thread huh?
Replies go from 4 months ago to 3 hours ago.
Indeed I did.
Natures candy.
Is that what they are calling Jolly Ranchers now?
I see /u/form_an_opinion said "Natures candy." Is this new Reddit lingo for referring to Jolly Ranchers?
Jolly ranchers.
A Rancher would be Jolly if he had a nice piece of nature. He'd be gone a real long time in the bush, just enjoying himself.
ALL ABOARD THE KARMA TRAIN, MOTHERFUCKERS!
I am now chopping off Phyllis' head with a chainsaw!
woah there bud
The karma train has reached the redundancy national park!
Yeah guys.
If the phrasing is altered yet the joke remains unchanged, reddit will certainly accept it and thank you for it.
This one is different after a long chain, give me upvotes.
Edit: oof. The hivemind didn't like that one
Reddit has an appreciation for this type of joke. A deep appreciation. An abiding appreciation. The sort of appreciation that makes you want to go home and make sweet love to other things with which you're familiar. Like OP's mom.
*gild
Joke change, it must not, Be told slightly differently it must. This is the path to using Reddit.
Having the same joke modified and presented multiple ways makes this appropriate for Reddit.
Same joke, different words. Reddit likey.
Word jokes, yay!
Mitochondria is the Powerhouse of the Cell
Something something dark side
Joke same but not same word reddit likes
Of course, this is because the joke is so conducive to reuse and rewording, it has become quite popular within the Reddit community.
Word different! Funny!
Same shit different day
Apt for Reddit=f(x)
Where x=any variation of a particular joke.
This subsequent chain of comments exemplifies why I love reddit so much, that and hearing the creative reconstruction of various yokes by numerous individuals.
IF YOU USE DIFFERENT WORDS TO TELL A JOKE REDDIT WILL BE HAPPY AND GIVE YOU INTERNET POINTS
I mean it's the same joke a hundred times just slightly rephrased, so I guess it's perfect for Reddit
Banana.
The karma train died after it got into the "[continue this thread >]" zone :(
This could be the rum talking, but I feel like I could still garner the favor of reddit by talking about reddit
Reading these reminds me of the SAT questions where you need to find the most correct sentence.
Reddit appreciates redundant jokes that are slightly altered.
Reddit is circlejerk reformulated -- joke?
People think this shit is hott
Oh, no, I like all of these! =O
I need help.
Es la misma broma una y otra vez escrita de diferente forma, pero es perfecta para reddit.
Si, es evidente la repetición de patrones humorísticos, pero eso es bien recibido por Reddit
Aaaaand we're in foreign waters.
damn boat people.
Es ist der gleiche Witz, bloß ein bisschen umformuliert. Aus diesem Grund ist er perfekt für Reddit.
Estamos hablando castellano, carajo!
Lo siento mucho, no se que me pasa!
La même blague, réécrite avec quelques mots différents, passent très bien sur Reddit.
你是个蜡烛
Edit: I'm not sure if you guys actually realised I wrote : "you are a candle "
ke chi-do!!! (traducción: qué chido)
¿Donde esta la bibliotheca?
Unu na-apu ala
Unu na-apu ala
Es ist der Selbe Witz nur ein bisschen verändert. Perfekt für reddit.
I made a doodie! Jokes reddit same people like!
その冗談はRedditに完璧です。ほとんどの冗談は同じですが言葉 は違う。
Mae'n berffaith ar gyfer Reddit , am ei fod yr un jôc gyda geiriau gwahanol.
Found the Welshman.
you certainly did. Ti'sio scrap?
Oh, I neither read nor speak welsh. I just recognize unpronounceable when I see it.
It's not unpronouncable, we just have different vowels. Y and W are vowels in Welsh.
همان جوك است، ولى با تغييرات كوچك. عالى براى رديت.
No es lo mismo huele a traste, que atrás te huele.
No es lo mismo un metro de encaje negro que..
Now I get it!
DAE like changing words in a joke and think it's perfect for Reddit?
It's funny because you repeat it.
jocular
The inclusion of a comma following the conjunction would put more emphasis on the punchline, although it is otherwise syntactically suitable for reddit.
Hold up there, vocabulary boy. This is reddit, not the SA frikkin T English section. We prefer simple language when we recycle our jokes over and over with different words.
This is the point at which I had to go back and upvote the entire thread since, as a redditor, I absolutely love multiple variations of the same joke.
MOMS SPAGHETTI!!
In the world of Reddit I believe that subtle changes being made to the same theme are central to jokes being perceived favorably on Reddit.
As monogiraffe states, "the variations on the wording of this joke make it perfect for Reddit..." indicating his affirmation of the same theme. Like Adam and Eve in paradise lost he succumbs to temptation, unable to resist the urge to board the train, seduced by worthless internet counters.
Scrotal offers an explanation for this joke, by suggesting it's "[perfect] because it's the same joke with different words." His explanation suggests that he agrees with and holds the same opinion as monogiraffe. Now I will begin repeating myself with slight variations to find unique combinations of words and shitty analogies that will make the rest of this essay appear as though I were capable of demonstrating a single cohesive original thought.
... In conclusion, I think it is clear from the evidence we've examined that small changes made to jokes on Reddit are generally received well.
[edit] and because it would be cruel to leave without offering any advice to fellow clubbers:
Bottles are expensive, and generally frowned upon--these individuals often act as though they have something to prove and look silly overcompensating. We get it. You can club a 120-pounder to death with a bottle. Now your bottle is broken, and you've got to call it a day. Clubs last forever--or at least until your arm gets tired.
I'm having flashbacks to the English sections of standardized tests.
Es gracioso porque cambia como se expresa, inclusive en el idioma!
When a joke's vocabulary changes many times but keeps the same punchline, it is then considered perfect by reddit.
These responses remind me of Star tests
Joke different but also not!
But only in Reddit. Our jurisdiction does not extend any distance beyond the domain.
Reddit is best suited for generating vast iterations of humorous topics.
Humor can be achieved through different combinations of the same words thanks to Reddit
32.) Which of the following sentences is most correct?
Reddit is best suited for generating vast iterations of ~~humorous topics~~ the same topic.
FTFY
The verbosity in this thread is quite funny.
I feel like Im taking the English part of the SAT all over again.
Reddit is literally perd hapley from parks and rec.
repost
This made me chuckle so hard
It's perfect for Reddit, because it's the same joke with different words...OC.
Aren't all jokes the same just with different words?
Ah yes, beating the dead whitecoat.
Beating the dead seal
YOU'VE JUST SUBSCRIBED TO SEAL FACTS!!!
DID YOU KNOW?
THAT WHEN IT SNOWS MY EYES BECOME LARGE AND THE SHINE IN YOUR EYES CAN BE SEEN?
Ooh, the more i get of you the stranger it feels. Yeah.
(A whitecoat is a baby harp seal)
I assume you intended to say beating a dead Sarah Jessica Parker...
Not just that... The entire idea for this thread of comments came from the /r/bestof post from yesterday about Scottish alcoholism. It's a rehashed joke made of rehashed jokes.
Fucking annoying
I mean it's the same joke a hundred times just slightly rephrased, so I guess it's ~~perfect for Reddit~~ the reason reddit fucking sucks now
It's perfect for Reddit, because we get to all say the same thing.
Tom Cruise
This is the on that made me quit reddit and restart smoking.
Yea its pretty terrible...
Eh, there's a few good ones that are phrased well enough so that you actually don't see the twist coming. I came here expecting seal-clubbing jokes and the top comment had be believing it was a serious preference of bars over clubs. Of course, from that point, I knew I was going to have a variety of seal-clubbing comments ahead.
It's Reddit, so it's like we're basically saying the same thing but reworded slightly differently.
well we're looking for real world advice from a bunch of people who don't live there. seems just about as productive.
Because Reddit loves to club jokes to death
Get out of here with your logic and reasoning!
Did I do it right?
Ah yes, I hate it when people enjoy jokes. As if humor is subjective, pfft. TRUE humor is much more refined than this
TL;DR: joke change. reddit like
I mean it's the same joke a hundred times just slightly rephrased, so I guess it's perfect for Reddit
That's because
Every account on reddit is a bot except for you
Shows you reddit is full of /r/im14andthisisfunny
Why does your link keep redirecting to AskReddit?
It's like that time someone asked how much you would sell your soil to the devil for.
I mean going to clubs is pretty overrated.
Let's start a sarcasm thread.
Much much better! And maybe just a little bit evil.
I was hoping for actual responses. It got tiresome after the 2nd thread.
Normally I would find this funny, but i'm kind of pissed. This is information i really could have used.
I also love hearing the same jokes over and over again.
The slight wordy change of this....CAN I HAZ GOLD?
This thread is going to be legendary.
It'll be a meme for years to come!
I think your first mix-up was expecting people on reddit to go clubbing or be social. Hahaha
chess club counts right?
Yes.
E4
1... c6
d4
You sank my battleship!
Connect Four!
You sunk my battleship!
FTFY.
d5
E X d5
i dont even caro-kann, lol. /u/jughandle10, wanna do this as a team?
3 ...cxd5.
Your fault for not playing a nice Italian game :p
Nc3
well, I didn't play 1. ...c6; I usually play a sicilian or e5, but I'll take this as a learning experience. Do you have a lichess account? edit:
4 Nc6
Twitch plays chess?
Yes, this, definitely yes
YES. they could vote on moves. it would be a great game study.
This would be worse then carlsen vs the world or kasparov vs the world.
4...Nf6
uhh, it's white to move though.
1 e4 c6
2 d4 d5
3 exd5 cxd5
4 either Nc3 by matthew0517
or Nc6 by yourself
either way I respond 4...Nf6
I was responding to his Nc3 with Nc6. White can't go Nc6.
BINGO!
im in!
so far we're at
https://www.reddit.com/r/AskReddit/comments/3iilas/clubbers_of_reddit_what_are_your_best_tips_for/cuh94o1
except it's not a legal move. think we won by forfeit?
sounds good to me, unless they correct it in 3 days or something.
77777777777777
...?..
I know it reads like gibberish, but it's actually really straight forward. Read this: http://www.cheatography.com/davechild/cheat-sheets/chess-algebraic-notation/
Notation in chess is stupid simple
ohh
thank you then
King me
Miss.
D6
YOU SUNK MY BATTLESHIP!
You sunk my battleship!
Get back to work.
C5
Edit: Your move.
No. . . . C5
Z2
checkmate, atheists.
You're all doing it wrong...
Knight to E4.
There now you know what piece to actually move, almost like known of you have played a game of chess before. Filthy Casuals.
When the piece is unspecified, it's a Pawn that moves.
http://www.cheatography.com/davechild/cheat-sheets/chess-algebraic-notation/
Filthy Casuals.
What the fuck did you just fucking say about me, you little bitch? I’ll have you know I graduated top of my class in the FIDE, and I’ve been involved in numerous secret raids on Checkers club, and I have over 300 confirmed wins against Stockfish. I am trained in moving rooks and I’m the top player in the entire ICC. You are nothing to me but just another pawn. I will take you en passant the fuck out with precision the likes of which has never been seen before on this board, mark my fucking words. You think you can get away with saying that shit to me over the Internet? Think again, fucker. As we speak I am doing premoves on my secret network of players across the USA and your ELO is being traced right now so you better prepare for the storm, maggot. The storm that wipes out the pathetic little thing you call your rating. You’re fucking dead, kid. I can be anywhere, anytime, and I can mate you in over seven hundred ways, and that’s just with my bare king. Not only am I extensively trained in mating kings, but I have access to the entire arsenal of the chess engines and I will use it to its full extent to wipe your miserable ass off the face of the continent, you little shit. If only you could have known what unholy retribution your little “clever” comment was about to bring down upon you, maybe you would have held your fucking tongue. But you couldn’t, you didn’t, and now you’re paying the price, you goddamn idiot. I will shit fury all over you and you will drown in it. You’re fucking dead, kiddo.
Comment I made when I was drunk got some reactions I see. Gave me a good laugh this morning.
demented and sad, but social.
Chess club.....there ain't no party like a chess club party! gonna show you how.....move your king from side to side!
How the original S-Club lyrics went.
No
Foreign Language Club, checking in!
What about chess club with those chessmen cookies?
Ehhh
If my club didn't call itself chess team we had to do pushups.
Only at Hogwarts, where they use real clubs
I started the chess club in my high school, it was awesome.
Honey, I hate to be the one to tell you this but you are not in the chess club. Maybe the mosquito bite club...
Unless it's Club Penguin, which we can visit from the comfort of our desks
I'm not even sure if I know what clubbing is. But that could be the language barrier
Clubbing is going to a night club, or, in a sense, the lifestyle of going to night clubs frequently.
OR using a cudgel to beat something.
No. Apparently it's a rule now to fuck up every thread that doesn't have a serious tag.
Although it is kind of funny.
kind of funny
This is the key part though. It's a little funny, for the first two or three comments. Then it's boring. I clicked the link because I was interested in the community's answers to the original question.
Yup, this is one of the worst askreddit threads I've ever witnessed.
Best of the worst reddit threads
What is this seal thing anyway? Is it some meme or do I need to go to /r/outoftheloop?
I sometimes hang out on that sub, so let me give you a reply here. It's a running joke on reddit that when somebody posts a funny enough answer to a question without a serious tag, everyone else will jump on and do the same.
See, for example: "Which celebrity needs to come out already" and "HELP reddit turned Spanish and I can't undo it" for the two most famous examples.
To when OP asked about "clubbing" and somebody made a joke about them must have having meant "clubbing baby seals", it took off.
Now, clubbing baby seals does need to stop. Sorry. Seriously, though: baby seals are hunted for their fur. Traditionally this is done by killing them with a club.
There was a big campaign to stop this sort of hunting back in the 90s (I think). There is still a campaign, but it hasn't been as high profile for some years.
Some nordic cultures hunt baby seals for their fur pelts, and usually do so by killing them quickly with a hit to the head with a club, since seal pups are too friendly/naive to run away from humans.
Reddit is full of 15 year olds who have just discovered that it's mildly humorous that one could mistake "clubbing" (the act of going out to a night club) for "clubbing" baby seals. They feel the need to let the world know of this discovery by posting and upvoting the same joke in this thread hundreds of thousands of times whilst downvoting actual replies to the question.
I've been thinking for a while that I should make a meta post asking if we should have [serious] by default, but OP can specify otherwise if they like. The [serious] tag was introduced when the sub was a shitfest of ruined questions, and having it really improved the sub.
Now, I agree; lots of good questions get ruined just because OP forgot the tag. But this thread... this thread I found very amusing. Now I'm not so sure about my idea...
Since nobody is really being helpful, Ill try :P I wrote this post about clubbing about 2 years ago which is super relevant here: https://www.reddit.com/r/AskReddit/comments/14kclh/what_are_some_things_that_youre_pretty_sure/c7dx4lb
Gather a group of friends, preferably between 5-10 at someones house around 7 pm
Drink a LOT and play drinking games, chat, listen to music and drink some more until 11 pm
Go to a cheap pub/bar to get your pre-club drink on, stay till 12 am
Go to club and get in (if its over 15 minutes, its not worth the wait, go somewhere else).
Enter club, by now you should be as drunk as you will get all night. Buy maybe 2 or 3 drinks at max to keep up your drunkness if you really want to. Ideally though, you shouldnt buy anything.
Use the next 2 or 3 hours to dance, talk to your friends, meet new people, dance with them, hit on girls and dance with them
Closing time, do a head count, make sure all your friends are there, stumble out of club, grab a bus or taxi and head home, or you can walk if you are really brave.
Get home and the pass the fuck out
Edit: for fucksakes, this post got twice the upvotes my original post got. Come on reddit lol
7.5 (if your bars close at 4 AM like they do here): go to your local diner and eat breakfast
I wrote that guide when I was living in Toronto and their last call was 2 am :P
Now I live in New Orleans which doesnt even have last call so Id probably edit it to say stay in the bar till they kick you out or the sun rises, whichever comes first :D
Pizza Pizza, then. For a slice of pizza that's only delicious when super drunk.
Visited Toronto from Boston. God damn amazing city, amazing people, and SPECTACULAR food...except for Pizza Pizza.
Seriously how does anyone there actually eat that when there the best dumpling place I've ever been to in Chinatown that is practically unlimited for $10
Pizza Pizza delivers.
Unless New York pizza. $1 perfect, orgasmic slices
DC jumbo slice. Terrible pizza except when hammered. But giant
Holy SHIT I interned in DC this summer and jumbo slice was the go to "I'm insanely hammered and want a lot of cheap Ok food"
Pizza Rustica in Miami Beach is the best
555-1111 Im not even Canadian and I know that one
*957
oh my gosh. ALLLL of them are 957? I thought the first 3 numbers changed depending on location. wow. Thank you for that : )
Recently visited Canada and had Pizza Pizza... does anyone actually eat it or its just like a late-night-I'm-drunk-out-of-my-mind-give-me-all-the-grease type food?
I'd say it's right between little skeezers and Domino's quality-wise and its cheap so i don't mind it.
It's the worst pizza I've ever had. Ate it often when drunk when I lived in Toronto. The combination of quick greasy slices, a selection of dipping sauces, and staying open late into the night made them prime drunk food.
Pizza Pizza is shit, tastes like cardboard. Also everyone calls it Double Pizza, which is a different place and is actually pretty tasty. I'm very passionate about this.
No one calls Pizza Pizza double pizza
Yeah seriously. I've never heard this once. I've lived in Ottawa, Toronto and Brantford.
Maybe not where you're from.
Pizza Pizza is pretty good... no worse than any other franchise pizza place. And never in my life have I heard it called double pizza... that doesn't even make sense... its a LONGER name and NO ONE would know what you're talking about.
There's a small chain here called Double Pizza, I think it's that people get confused since it is literally the word Pizza twice.
[deleted]
Unless it is something like 8pm or no Sundays, it is likely a local issue. They want the clubs and bars to close to limit traffic and keep the general public at state of peace at night. Probably has something to do with drunk and tired driving as well. As much as I would like 4 am clubs where I am, I can accept the fact that 2 am is a reasonable hour to go home, and have an after party if need be.
Except last call is 2am, clubs are empty by 3am, eat by 3:30-4:30. And yeah the TTC (subway) also closed at 1:30 so take a 20-70$ cab ride you_can't_explain_that.jpg
Yeah thats the thing that pissed me off the most. After the night out, you were basically stranded in god knows where without any good transportation. I mean 2 years ago before the whole Uber/Hailo boom, we had to fuckin rely on Beck Taxi, which are probably one of the worst fuckin taxi companies on the planet. god damn you TTC and local bylaws!
Uh, what?
And yeah the TTC (subway) also closed at 1:30 so take a 20-70$ cab ride you_can't_explain_that.jpg
That's leftover from when last call was at 1:00 in Toronto.
Add in that the TTC has one of the lowest subsidies per rider in North America (half of what New York has), and they can't afford to extend it.
Night busses run until 5:00 am though (and everything starts back up for the next day at 6:00 am).
Yeah but I guess I'm not arguing from a "lets try to make money" perspective. More from a "let's prevent people from drying home drunk/high" perspective
Gah I love New Orleans. Great food, awesome bars, interesting culture. I have been there quite a few times and can't wait to get back.
Doesn't mean you can't head over to The Lakeview for a late night Cornflake Chicken Sandwich
No idea, I moved last week so Im still new to the city :D Although Ive already got a lifetime ban from some bar I dont remember here so Im sure im doing something right.
I meant The Lakeview in Toronto, the 24 hour diner on Dundas and Ossington. Come on man, it's an institution!
Oh sorry, theres a neighborhood in New Orleans called Lakeview too :P
Also I never really ventured out past Bathurst and didnt really go any farther than Sherbourne on the East side.
There's nothing good east of Sherbourn. Most of the good stuff is west of Bathurst and south of College
I'm just upvoting because now you live in New Orleans and that just sounds cool
See, if you'd have lived in Fort Erie, Otobecoke, or even Port Colbourne, you could have slid over the bridge to Buffalo and pigged out at Pano's after a night of debauchery. Then headed home with a full stomach and a gorgeous sunrise in your rear view mirror.
Are you trying to spell Etobicoke?
Yeah, that's the one. With the silent "K". Whatever. I'll give you the naked strippers, but you gotta give us the "slavaki breakfast" props.
Etobicoke is far from Buffalo
Etobicoke
An hour and a half, if you drive like an American...I've seen you Canucks drive the 401, you can make it in 1:10
Yeah but it's essentially Toronto, so you may as well just say Toronto. Either way. What were we talking about again?
TBH I thought it was between Hamilton and the Peace Bridge, but whatever. Party is on Chippewa and on Elmwood in Buffalo, c'mon and join in!
if you're in canada, go to the local Tim Hortons and bitch about how they don't have food available between 2am and 4am
As someone from Buffalo who visits Toronto often I always forget this and end up at bars too late.
Then you're missing the CRUCIAL, Go to Cafe Du Monde for beignets, step before go home and pass out.
I went clubbing in Toronto once. Took my girl friend to a place called Limelight because it had the same name as a club I used to go to a lot in London. The Toronto one was upstairs, opposite a bar called Vinnie's, if I remember correctly - this was in 2002. Anyway, I asked the bar woman for a vodka redbull and she said, "I knew you'd have a funny accent" and then confessed they didn't stock redbull. So we drank vodka and blue stuff all night.
One time I stayed drinking at the bar until they started to serve breakfast. that was a good night
Yeah if you partied in toronto you know we eat when it closes and before the ap
heh guess YMMV, during my experiences we only ate out after the club like maybe 10% of the time. Also there never really was an after party per say, we might go home after the club at 2 am or whatever and sit around chilling and talking for an hour or so more, maybe finish off the two-four thats in the house but other than that, we were pretty chill.
There was 1 after party we did after a hard night of bar hopping and clubbing and it went on for only an hour until the cops were called on us and people went to jail. Would not recommend.
Nah there are clubs that do ap's. I forget the name of the one i went to last week i was pretty intoxicated however it only opens at 4am
Oh you mean club stuff? I know in Toronto that is totally illegal, last call is last call. There were a few underground illegal after hours bars that operated out of Chinatown but those were invite only and would get busted if they got too popular. I had a roommate who used go to those as the +1 with the guy he knew but he could never invite me because guests cant bring guests and the guy he knew was just a contact so he didnt know me :(
I'm curious as to why this wasn't the first thing you put anyway.
if your bars close at 4 AM like they do here
Toronto and their last call was 2 am
You guys are so sweet with your last call situations... I work in a club in Northwestern Germany (Club Charlotte, Münster), and our shortest parties go til about noon, regularly they go til 2p.m. and if they're really really good (usually reserved for Goa/Psytrance, but there have been Techhouse parties this long) they pass the 4p.m. mark and traverse well into the afternoon.
They all start at 11p.m., btw, so that's at least 12, 13 hours of party for the short ones.
And occasionally we have a party weekend where we don't even close, but let the first party (from Friday-Saturday) slowly ebb into the Saturday-Sunday party.
We're, in case you're audiophiliac nerds, one of Germany's top venues with a Funktion One system.
So... Last call 2a.m.? Bitches please, sometimes my bartending shift starts at 7a.m.!
And watch out for those bright green puddles, stumbling in those will ruin your night
That must suck, I don't even go into some clubs until 2.
I hear the arbys there is pretty great.
EDIT: In nola
Woah, they close early
Was there much of a culture shock moving from Toronto to New Orleans?
So you don't have 24hr clubs or ones that shut at 7 or 8am over there?
I went to Toronto on a business trip and we went out to a club at midnight... AND THERE WAS NOBODY THERE. However, by 1am it was full and then at 2am everyone went home. I was dumbfounded.
(I live in Atlanta, and most things are open until 3am, and people get there earlier, too)
Sometimes I feel really blessed to be able to go clubbing in Berlin. If clubs close at 4am, you just don't go there. I can't remember the last time clubbing in Berlin, where I left the club before the sun was up again. Then you go to the Türke deines Vertrauens and buy yourself a nice and greasy Döner. That gives you enough energy for the way back home and the raw onions and the garlic will make sure that the first thing you taste after waking up is not the Rum or Jägermeister from last night.
The bar I work at is always the last to close in my city, you don't want to be at a bar when it closes, try leave 10-15 minutes beforehand, there are just so many good reasons for this.
As a second point, people who are new to clubbing should also learn early to not be macho about water. DRINK LOTS OF WATER. And if your offered it by a bartender, that's a good sign you've had enough.
Another point which no one usually seems to consider is, you shouldnt be buying drinks close to when the bar closes, think about it, you probably already drunk enough. But on top of that the extra alcohol won't really do anything if your going to be in bed half an hour from that point, except add to nexts days hangover. So quit drinking at least half an hour before you go home.
Sounds like the Hudson Valley
Yes! Who the fuck goes straight home?! After the club you go to Dennys order a moons over my hammy and pass out in it.
New York here. Last call for drinks is 4am. Clubs stay open til 10am+
Nah. The best thing about partying until 4 is that the bagel places are open. I have memorized the phrase "two eggs over, bacon, cheese, and pepper on a toasted sesame flagel" so well that I can repeat it even during the heaviest of stupors.
Umm, WTF is a "flagel"?
Still, sounds delicious...I'll join you. Wait up.
The perfect delivery system for a breakfast sandwich. It's like a bagel, except wider and flatter, so it holds the innards of the sandwich together better than a bagel, IMO. You also dont have to unhinge your jaw to eat it. They might be difficult to find outside the NYC area though.
Ohh, they sell those packaged as "Bagel thins." Excellent choice, my man.
6.5 Drunkenly dance and make out with random females that you don't know
6.6 duck out of the ensuing bar fight?
This still applies to 2am close folks. There will be a 24 hour diner nearby with some kind of delicious breakfast offerings.
Waffle House Prime time!!!
Macca's run,hash browns are the best when in that state between....not really drunk but not quite hungover yet.
That must be nice, last call here is usually 1:30. Too damn early.
Or if you're in the wonderful city of Seoul, go eat some delicious Ramen for like 4 bucks at 4 a.m.
4am if only in my state that was allowed our bars ours at 2am :/
This is really the key element of keeping your hangover at bay. Request your homefries cooked in bacon fat and butter. It has magical powers.
Buffalo?
Damn straight, son
Or if you're from Texas, stumble to the nearest Whataburger and get a honey butter chicken biscuit.
Closing time is 2am just north of Toronto. However there are all night clubs that stay open toll 4-5 but don't serve alcohol. So you pre drink the after party clubs right at 1:45-2, then hopefully don't blackout before breakfast.
If you go clubbing in Ibiza(Spain) or in Romania(especially in Mamaia resort or in the capital, Bucharest): at 4 AM just change the location to another club, party never stops.
Our bars have no set time for closing. The lovliest summers are spend, when we go home from the clubs way after sunrise, pass by a baker and get the bread they messed up, and eat them while they are still steaming. Ahhh, that's it
OH SHIT AN IHOP
Nothing beats failing all night long, declaring game over, getting pancakes at Denny's and picking up a couple cute girls for you and your mate to take home for naptime.
And breakfast should be poutine. The ultimate hangover prevention.
Just curious. Are you overweight?
Hah! skinny as a rail. Must be all that dancing.
You youngsters do it a bit better than I used to. Always throw in a request for some ice water occasionally from your bartender/waitress though. Trust me.
Also be nice to your Denny's/Ihop employees if your doing that.
At my local cocktail lounge, some of the waitresses know me well enough to have a pitcher of ice water ready when I order my first drink. Keeping hydrated—and spreading out drinks over a period of time—virtually eliminates most hangover symptoms, for me at least.
For Vegas mostly, but can be universally applicable:
Edit: Minor revisions. New content.
This is going to sound bad but in America you guys do far too much prep.
In the UK;
Easy.
There's a slightly altered version for a particularly heavy night or a student night out.
cash in pocket, with ID
Replace inexpensive lager, with inexpensive spirits, get-wasted.
practice looking sober when you go out so you can get in to the club
Lose cash and id immediately after you get into the club
neck a munter and go back to hers
do a runner after trying and failing to shag her in her flat
buy a kebab and go home
wake up at noon the next day, covered in the kebab you fell asleep trying to eat in bed
eat cold remnants of kebab for breakfast
You mean steal a kebab, you lost your money in the club
Everyone knows you keep your kebab money in your sock.
This is genius !
The US is tragically short on late-night kebab options. If you are reading this and currently operate a kebab shop in Europe, I would suggest immigrating to any major city in the US, finding where the bar neighborhood is, and opening one nearby.
In the UK;
- Driving license and cash card in your pocket.
- Share a crate of inexpensive lager with your pals before going out. This is called the pre-lash.
- Bouncer doesn't let you in as you're a group of 5-10 tipsy guys
- One guy tries to fight Bouncer, police called, leg it
- Get a kebab en route home.
Easy.
FTFY
Depends where you live, outside the big cities a lot of clubs are desperate for the business these days and you have to try especially hard to be turned away!
Tipsy? Who ever said we were ever going to be any where near the tipsy end of the drunk-scale?
More than tipsy?
I've had bouncers (some pretentious place off George Street in Edinburgh) turn me away when I've only had a couple of pints citing I had "too much tonight", and I'm a big lad who can handle a few beers.
You get bouncers like that; especially in Edinburgh, and especially anywhere near George street.
he clearly didn't like the look of you. A good solution would be to sack George street and find a good place in the old town ;)
There's an end of the scale?
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"Fuck it, student union disco!"
Followed by a kebab from the kebab house across the road.
When do you stop for a cheeky Nandos with the lads?
That's before the lash, to line the stomach!
Yeah wtf is this list about. I never do that much prep for work..going out is meant to be just getting wasted and messing about with your mates.
Get beer.
Go out.
Maybe come home.
Maybe come home is key here lmao. 90% of my night outs end with me stumbling to someone elses place (mates or whomever) at 7 AM.
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I have to agree really, you need to try harder ;)
We tend to be the last ones there so you're not alone in that boat
get some drugs in yer. Alcohol is good for a bit but on it's own it's difficult to keep awake
drunkenly opens one eye and mumbles home? SEe's blurry figure saying no....stumbles out in search of more beer.
Local corner shop, 8 pound 1 liter bottle of vodka, 2 one liter bottles of 99p lemonade. Sorted.
Get a kebab en route home.
oh... for the love of a kebab here in the states... :(
But you guys have Mexican food.
As an American... fuck Mexican food
I liked it when I lived in Cali
I just had to eat it at least once a week when I lived in Oregon.
As a brit, fuck kebabs.
How can you say that? It's sac relig!
Sacrilege?
That's the one!
Pre-lash and kebab, not even kidding - whole reason I even turned up.
Spend the night yelling in someone's ear as they dance away from you? or quiet night in a pub hitting on your mate's gf followed by meat ambrosia?
Not even a choice
Get a kebab en route home.
Words to live by mate, words to live by
Heh, that was my exact thought - they are really overthinking this. I suppose in the UK most of us will have been drinking since our mid-teens, probably have been able to get into the odd pub since 16 and have been going to clubs (of some sort) quite regularly since 17-18. The idea of working out ratios of genders, paying £20 a fucking drink, when to maintain a buzz, when to take a fucking piss - nah. Just get pissed before, go out, have fun, come home.
I honestly can't believe someone is asking for tips. Bloody redddit
That which can be done can always be done better. What's wrong with trying to find a way to have more fun?
I'm more just saying the fat anyone has to ask how to go clubbing. You get some mates, you get smashed and you go find a club and dance and pull. It's not hard haha
It's trying to apply some sort of instructional manual to having fun. Lame, FTR you can tell all the British are shaking their heads at this thread.
So the dude likes to go clubbing with his checklist. It ain't for everyone, but whatever floats his boat man.
I feel like hos was geared strictly toward the higher end Vegas clubs (solid advice). Regular clubbing in the US doesn't require much prep if any.
It wasn't just any list though.. I think it was pointed towards Vegas, which is huge.
Same in France, it is not such a big deal here!
This plan doesn't work in Canada, we don't have kebab places where I am :(
I went to Scotland to visit family. Her uncle would come round every evening and tell me to get my shoes on we're going for a pint. "A pint". The fact that we left at 2am determined that was a lie. Anyway, we would get donner kebab on the way back, holy fuck they're so damn good.
OK what does "table a bid with any slit that takes your eye" mean? I'm pretty well versed in brit slang but that is nonsense to me haha.
If you have a butchers round the place and you fancy a bit of rough and tumble with nice juicy tart just take a run at her, worst she can do is say no.
That actually makes more sense than the last one.
That's not confusing at all really.
tabling a bid is a football thing. Or anything that you'd make a bid on.
I'm British and even this one evades me. I'd take a guess at scope out a bird you'd preferably bang and have a go with her.
Edit: autocorrect may be at fault here, he could have meant slut.
Surely slit = gash, right? Not a lovely expression, but to paraphrase I think he meant "search the club for fair maidens of great beauty and virtue".
Bingo
No mate, I meant slit. Like a ~~papercut~~ papercunt.
Well, that cleared that up. Pack it up boys, we can go home now.
I mean that's the first thought that came to mind but table a bid?
That's not horrible if you've played any card games that involve bidding. It's saying that you're going to go for it instead of folding and stepping away from the table.
Maybe not a phrase used in any particular game, but the gist of it is there.
Oh, never heard of it. Only card game I ever really play though is hold em.
Mate, it just means to sling a wild bid in with a little slice of the pie.
If you end up plonking her then even better, however a smelly finger will do.
Table a bid with any slit that takes your eye
brilliant
Having gone clubbing for an entire summer in London before the clubs are similarly annoying about covers and dress codes and number of women with you, etc. If anything they were way more obnoxious than NYC clubs and we got covers waived far less often.
My thoughts exactly.
Americans don't know shit about raving ... they can't handle the pace. End of story.
Did you ever get a kebab with the most beautiful girl in the room?
It's Vegas... by definition everything is required to be OTT
I think he is just going to very high end clubs.
This is going to sound bad but in America you guys do far too much prep.
Jn the UK;
Living in the UK during those years, the people I was around seemed to fret much more than the times I went in America. Could've been the people but it just felt like everyone in the club was nervous in the UK. In America it felt so much more open and it seemed like everyone was enjoying themselves.
Thats still overthinking it
Oh and always be careful when walking into totally unlit rooms at squat parties, you could find that its been turned into the unofficial bog, and that you're actually wading through ankle deep human faeces.
Damn. Now I really want kebab.
*licence
If your British driving licence says 'license' then it's probably a counterfeit.
It's probably not going to get noticed by the bouncer, but have a cover story.
And in future, don't make fake a ID in paint with the American spell check turned on...
It's just cringeworthy isn't it? Imagine trying to relax with people like that making you follow the thousand point checklist?
Goddammit, mate, would it kill you to speak universally here? Can I get some translations on this Liverpool motherfucker? Wtf is "table a bid with any slit that takes your eye"?
That isn't Liverpool slang m8, it's much more southern, likely London somewhere.
I'm British and I don't understand this either, but the closest I can get is "slit"="slut", so basically search for girls.
Slit as in pussy, pretty obvious
Yeah I'm a tried and true 'Murican and even I got that. Just one more thing we're better at I suppose.
Going to tack on yours since it's one of the only useful posts.
You only get one pair of ears and your hearing will only deteriorate. Wear earplugs early in the evening and as your shit kicks in, take them off to enjoy the music more. It will seem like the turbo just kicked in.
wear earplugs.
probably best advice here, notn that many people I know seem to understand it, but more fool them really. As for taking them off in the middle of the night; apart from sort of defeating the purpose of wearing them I always find that the junk noise and really high end tones I've been blocking out all night just hurt my ears straight away and I put the plugs back in straight away!
Also, if you take some pics of whatever in Vegas (or of yourself if you are a hot girl) and post them on Instagram with the hashtag #vegas and whatever other stupid shit sounds good, you can get hook ups to parties and clubs. Source: 2 days in Vegas last month, 9 clubs, 5,000 drinks, all free.
Lightweight
Past me when I was a bouncer appreciates this list but has a couple to add.
There's no point in arguing with security. If you're not getting what you want, pissing me off isn't going to make me want to help you out.
Unless you have money in your hand. Money talks. Almost everything has a price. Put your $5 away.
Grabbing/disrespecting/molesting/etc the girls is a big no no. You might get away with it. You might get dragged into an alley. Don't do it.
Don't bring your friend that likes to start fights. There's a lot of us. We have zip ties and walkie talkies.
The dude I'm replying to described the right way to pregame. Don't buy bottle service. Don't sneak booze in. If you do, be discrete. If you get caught, just hand it over. If you make a big deal out of it you'll just get thrown out too.
Yes. There's a good chance we will drink it at the staff after party.
Pay cash. Make your first tip of the night your biggest. Your server knows who's taking care of them.
That's all I can think of off the top of my head but I should have been asleep an hour ago.
When I read "The best clubs are," I was hoping you were Stefan.
:(
That girl that rejected you won't remember you in a couple hours.
I guess the flip side to that is if you are a college student, dont hit on and then dance with a fellow classmate, who you have never talked to for the whole semester and dont really find that attractive when sober, for a few hours when you have class with her the next day. It gets super awkward because sober you doesnt really like her but drunk you was down for whatever.
Oh...wait did I get too specific there? :P
Ugh yeah, you don't wanna screw things up with someone you see every day.
Unless you have slept with her, there is nothing to be awkward about.
You both were drunk and danced togheter, end of story.
If you indeed slept with her, then there could be repercussions.
Haha tell us what happened
I think he just did.
I want the deets!
heh not much unfortunately. I went to a bar, saw a classmate, I was down to fuck, she was too. Shes like a luke warm 6/10 when sober but since she was being cool and I was wasted, she was a 9/10. We danced, made out, took shots together. Then she introduced me to her male cousin who was with her that night, we danced more, he creepily watched us like a hawk all night. Then when it near closing time, hes like yo we gotta go, we have class tomorrow so they leave.
I end up drinking more and blacking out. Im sure she was blacked out too and the class rolls around and Im sitting in class and she walks in and Im like "why does she seem familiar? ..... OH SHIT that was her from last night". I wave and say hi to her and she looks at me, freezes for a second and then continues walking straight past me and sits in the back row. Im thinking how terrible that went and now feel terrible because of how terrible she must have felt. It was shitty for the next few weeks but then I forgot about it.
Kudos for that little guide and taking the op serious!
this is why I go to bars
This is why I go to breweries. The beer is better and cheaper.
But I don't think there's many seals in Vegas.
Shrink your wallet: ID. One or two credit cards. Medical insurance. Cash. Everything else, leave at home.
I wrap this with a hair tie and call it the "party bundle."
Sound like an easy way to loose you stuff when your drunk. Why not just have a small wallet to use when you go out drinking. I have a little money clip that I have when I don't want to use my regular wallet and I don't look like a hobo when I pull it out in front of people
Bribing bouncers will always be a bizarre concept to me. Where I live, this is almost unheard of, as bouncers risk getting fired if they take any bribe.
I like our way better, clubbing is expensive enough at it is, no need to lose another 50$ just because the bouncer decided you look like someone that will easily cave in and pay up.
I live in Vegas. Your post is pretty much spot on for all tourists visiting Vegas that want to go clubbing. The only thing I would add is, if you're a guy, wear a jacket and bring a flask(inside the jacket inside pocket), drink it in the bathroom stall. Again, do this at your own risk though. Similar to your mini-alcohol bottle thing.
Uber/lyft is here now! Just started
Or just do drugs.
Whenever I get on guest list for Vegas I always have to be at the club by 10:00pm and the headliner doesn't even come on until 2:00am. It's the worst and I always die in my heels because there's nowhere to sit. And the same, boring filler music they play doesn't help at all to keep me up.
My favorites are XS, Omnia and Drais! Marquee is way too small.
Do you work in Vegas or do you just go there a lot?
Nope! San Diegan, just been there enough times to know it fairly well.
Holy. Fuck. Glad I'm not American. Here it's just predrink, walk to pub, order pints and chat to mates, walk home, ...the end.
When you say keep a credit card with you, does that apply to debit cards as well?
Yeah, I prefer a credit card though due to general security benefits of a credit card.
Okay I only have a debit and I was wondering if it was in any way different
Hahahaha didnt know the no sleep one. Was at marquee, rested my head on my girls lap. Promptly got bugged by security. Luckliy i got to stay.
Leaving for Vegas this weekend. PM promoter for any day clubs you might have
I gotta ask, how the hell do you meet a promoter?
Btw ibuprofen after drinking can cause your stomach to bleed
"Where applicable, Uber/Lyft instead of taxi to save some cash on transportation and the possibility of getting a DUI"
How about so your stupid, selfish ass doesn't get someone killed?
"Breaking the seal " is a myth.
This is simply not true. You can break the seal by clubbing!
How can people stand not wearing shorts in a place like Vegas? I find I overheat wearing long pants any time the temperature is above 45-50° F.
Also, I never got the appeal of a nightclub atmosphere like that. I'd much rather prefer a quiet, laid-back cocktail lounge where I can sit and read by myself and a good drink.
Holy shit, this is the epitome of over-thinking. Clubbing isn't rocket science. There is no need to spell every last detail out.
This whole thread is a joke. Just gather some friends, go to a club, get drunk, have fun, go back home, you're done.
If you're inexperienced, that's fine, just wing it, and learn the do's and do not's as you go. As with anything, you'll get more comfortable with it the more you do it.
Jesus, going out in Vegas sounds absolutely shit.
Following that list would be the least fun thing to do on a night out. You've just turned the simple act of going out into a 100 point checklist.
This is the most depressing, institutionalised idea of clubbing I've ever read. Fuck that.
Do you live somewhere where walking equals a high chance of stabby stabby?
When I wrote that, I lived in downtown Toronto, which isnt that unsafe but at 3 am, when you are blackout drunk and walking through downtown, you are a pretty easy victim for a robbery
So basically trash your liver.
Of course!
So glad alcohol culture will one day be utterly replaced by cannabis culture.
Yea, I mean look at Colorado. No one drinks there anymore.
It's only a matter of time. It hasn't been long, and the number of alcoholics in medical and recreational states is already dropping.
They're entirely different experiences. Alcohol ain't going away.
True. But I feel a lot of people who might drink everynight alone to kill time might instead start smoking every night as a replacement.
Alcohol culture has been around for thousands of years (and so has cannabis usage), I don't think either is going to replace the other any time soon. Actually, I don't think that will ever happen.
When I say 'utterly', I'm just trying to express my enormous disdain for the substance. There will always be beer, wine, etc, but I have no doubts whatsoever that one day, the number of people using cannabis, and gathering in cannabis environments, will match that of today's alcohol culture/environs.
The only reason alcohol is more broadly consumed, is because of socially engineered stigmas and laws based on bad science and nanny-state bullshit.
Cannabis is infinitely more interesting and beneficial than hops/alcohol. It has dozens of various terpines and subsequent smells, many of which have effects on the body and our health. It can be turned into endless drinks which will inebriate you, but still let you drive home a few hours later (or less).
get over yourself
Won't ever happen.
To be fair, I can see how your comment might seem pretentious, but I'm on the same page as you. I've never liked etoh or the effects it has on me, both intended and side effects (hangover, liver damage, etc.) My partner, who occasionally etoh's and occasionally thc's, says that if given the choice, he would thc every time, but etoh is much more available (especially in public). I don't use either substance much but I do benefit from high CBD oil for my anxiety.
Also, I work with dead bodies (this is going somewhere). The ones we see who are chronic etoh overusers...look terrible. Their abdomens are hard and full of ascites (accumulated liquid from the liver's inability to process what is delivered to it), their skin is yellow and crepey, sometimes even their eyes are yellow. The ones who have been smoking pot for decades...look no worse for wear, although sometimes their lungs are a little dark (lots of them smoke tobacco too so it's hard to tell).
I think we would live in a better world if people reached for thc instead of etoh when they decided to use a psychoactive substance, and especially if they would use substances more mindfully in general.
Agreed. With regard to my grandiosity, I thought the 'get over yourself' comment to be misplaced, so I showed him/her some authentic highfalutin.
Honestly, I'd rather go to a club drunk than I would high. Everything that happens at the club while high just seems much more boring, until I get a few drinks into me.
Plenty of other drugs way more exciting, cheap, long lived, healthier for you, than alcohol. Alcohol feels terrible once you cross that fine line between buzzed, and poisoned (literally). I just don't feel like we'd have that many inhibitions to shed in the world I envision.
You're weird.
So I've been told. From my perspective, everyone else is weird. What I'd like more than anything is for rational debate, even philosophical debate. I feel pretty confident I can prove myself if given the opportunity.
Man I hope not. Drinking is way more fun. Smoking's good to chill out, but not how I want to spend my Friday nights.
Then drop a roll.
EDIT: You anti-drug crusaders are so fucking hilarious. Go do a keg stand in traffic.
What? I said I enjoy smoking too lol
Not you (my bad). The naysayers who speak with mouse clicks, and not words.
I don't see that happening, they achieve very different effects.
I really hope so.
What else you gonna do with it?
Use it to keep me alive!
Meh
It wasnt a question about salad. Im not sure what you expected
Not knowing too much, I didn't expect anything.
Shut the fuck up mom
Tip from a Cataphract, don't drink and ride.
yes you fucking nerd
Is that meant to be an insult? I find the most interesting people are those who take a great interest in something. Passion is something that is rare to find, so to throw it away for smashing your liver sounds rather a poor choice. Gooday comrade.
EDIT: HAHAHAHAHAHAHA! THIS IS FANTASTIC! I'm not saying don't get drunk, I'm saying I don't need to! Why the anger? Are my posts threatening you?
NERD ALERT
"nerd alert"? are we role-playing an eighties movie here?
AND PROUD!
I have many interests! And the people I get on best with are those with many interests themselves. I enjoy good conversation and partake in a few sports. I often try things I have not done before.
Why, is this an issue for you?
Pretty sure he was joking
[deleted]
So you will suffer, but you will be happy about it?
Well duh
As God intended!
'Who is this God person anyway.'
That goes for most things in life
Not really, you can live a fantastic life without wrecking your internal organs. Drinking alcohol in moderation is quite fun.
god you sound like such a buzzkill. Your liver isn't going to shrivel up and die because you got smashed one night
Honestly your replies are hilarious! Buzzkill? Really? Because I can have a great time without dulling my senses? It is you I feel sorry for, so boring that you can not contemplate enjoying yourself without getting drunk.
Ok grandma
So not requiring alcohol to have fun means that I must be an older person. You guys are pathetic...
I want you to know how hard everyone is rolling their collective eyes at your responses
What did I say that disturbed you? I did not say you must be a teetotal. In fact I said I drink as well, only less. Whats the problem?
Your responses are making me laugh quite a bit if I must be honest.
You're taking this too seriously buddy, don't you realize that?
Remember, take a couple handfuls of Tylenol to keep from a hangover, too!
Why get drunk? Seriously what is the benefit?
Ok this is clearly a joke. Why? Because it is pretty well known that you should not mix Tylenol and alcohol unless you want to severely damage your liver. You're taking people's responses too seriously.
I was not referring to the Tylenol, but it was a general question. I am aware that Tylenol and alcohol is a bad idea.
Consider it crossfit for your liver!
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I wouldnt party with you. Also, clubs are lame.
Sounds like you arent going to party anyway beatch
I can be fun at parties, but clubs are not my scene.
Maybe there should be a trip to Denny's in #7. Otherwise this nails it.
Don't forget the comedown music mix
Make sure you can get in. If your eyes are crossed, you might have a little trouble.
"And the pass the fuck out". I lost it at this point.
Replace 8. Go to Ihop and pass the fuck out on a steaming pile of pancakes.
Here's a post from the 'other side.'
I am a police officer in the UK, I work in what is pretty much known as the best place in the UK (and even Europe) for nightlife (Newcastle). I have to deal with when things go really sour... so I'll do my best here to make sure you can go out and have a good night.
(First off, we are known as one of the best police forces in the UK and have excellent customer satisfaction and are known for how friendly we are. Wahey! Anyhow...)
Do not jump into a random taxi. Especially if you're a drunk female by yourself. Always book a taxi or go to a designated taxi rank. If in doubt, talk to a police officer or visit the local police station where we will book you a taxi and you can wait in our front office.
Leave the drugs at home. I mean, seriously. Come on. Bouncers are trained now (in Newcastle at least) in proper persons searches. They will find your drugs, and you will be dealt with. Don't ruin your university or career for something stupid. Leave the puff at home, alright?
Know your limits. Just because you have one mate who's all for 'the session' and will laugh at you for not keeping up does not mean you should try. Everyone is different, and has different tolerance levels - even to different types of alcohol. Know what you can and can't drink, and know when you've had too much - I personally can't have beer, it completely destroys me after even two pints. Further, I know when I've had too much because I get that feeling at the top of my stomach which is just like when you go on the drop on a roller coaster... Know that limit.
Be wary of 'random huggers.' This is a pickpocketing technique. A person will appear really friendly and project a confident, awesome aura of being the kinda random encounter on a street that just leaves you smiling, he even wants to just give you a harmless drunken hug. However, whilst he's distracting you with the pat on the back, the handshake, the hug, the laughter, the 'You having a good night mate??' bravado, his other hand has just helped itself to your wallet and phone. This happens often in clubs on the dancefloor where people are often in close proximity.
Ladies... don't put your bag down..... Seriously. You think its safe just for a second. Nope, gone. Just when you were laughing at something or had your eyes closed whilst drinking. Also, make sure you get a zip close bag and that the end where the zip pull is located is always to the front so you can keep an eye on it. Clutch close bags are so easy to pick pocket.
Wear flat shoes - high heels whilst out clubbing is just a recipe for a broken ankle. You might think it won't happen to you, but it can be pretty damned gruesome. If you absolutely have to wear heels, take a pair of flat pumps and put them in your bag for when you're drunk and don't want to do the whole chicken-leg-stumble to the taxi.
Do not take a quick shortcut home through that dark passageway simply to safe 5 minutes. Common sense.
Pre-drinking is a fantastic way to save money, but please don't get completely rat-arsed on a 1 litre bottle of Smirnoff before then downing 6 treble vodka cokes in the club. This is just a recipe for disaster. Have a few drinks at home, get your buzz on, and then head out for a couple more.
IF you are going to do drugs. KNOW WHAT YOU ARE TAKING. Know the risks, the side-effects, and also what you need on your come-down. If you need to take drugs to have a good time because your life is so bloody boring that you can't get a kick through other means, make sure that your dealer is 'legit' in what he's selling, and make sure that you have a 'sober' friend who can help should things go sour. If things do go sour, just please be honest with police and paramedics - our primary goal is to make sure you live. If you have a shit time and need our help to even make it home safely, our primary duty is to make sure that you are safe. If you learn a valuable lesson about drug taking and the health consequences that may happen, we most likely won't punish you through legal channels and consider your lesson learned.
BOTH GENDERS. Be aware of the dangers of one night stands. These are a part of life, and they're fun. Hell, I've done them. However, be sure that the guy or girl you're going home with / taking back to your place isn't going to cause trouble. If he / she is too drunk and an easy target (Shame on you) then its probably best you don't even try, because they'll just pass out and you'll end up with a limp dick / someone with a limp dick and having to look after a drunkard.
MOST IMPORTANTLY
HAVE FUN. Clubbing is awesome. I still do it. I have a great time. If it stops being fun, go home. If your friends need help, take them home. Be the responsible one. Take the piss out of them in the morning for being too drunk. Never abandon your friends. If you've pulled, let your friends know where you'll be and that if you haven't called by midday the next day, for them to try and get in touch with you to make sure you're alright.
This is the definition of fun?
That doesn't sound enjoyable at all
I dont know why I laughed so much at that. It's so reddit!
^^^let's ^^^see ^^^what ^^^sort ^^^of ^^^mood ^^^everyone ^^^is ^^^in...
That was pretty much my first thought, too - "so... You get drunk, and hang out with friends? Why not just skip the getting drunk bit? It's the same thing, just without the vomiting and mindblowing headache."
Of course, I'm pretty much a confirmed designated driver, so that may have something to do with it.
That's exactly how some of my best nights went. I wish I had done this more when i was young. I only got about 30 nights in before my body could no longer handle it. Now all my friends are married or are in serious relationships and will come out to a bar to have 1 or 2 drinks max and go home at 10:30.
Actually sounds like a great time!
I just drink til I can't see or run out of money. Whatever happens first really. It's a good system.
I like how steps 1&2 are basically have a party. I would go to that party.
I'm not a club kind of guy, so I will swing over to Denny's after step 3.
Forgot "stop at your neighbourhood grease emporium for a feast".
*get Laid
Got to step 1, couldn't gather anyone, what do?
How do you make 5-10 friends?
College dorms, its real easy when everyones doors are open
Graduated in the spring, lived off campus
recipe for my saturday nights. possibly tue-fri nights also.
Something tells me this man is an atheist.
Only change I would make would be grab an Uber. But this is 2 years old so don't blame the post for being outdated
What's the difference between ubers and taxis? I always thought it was a taxi service.
Well, they are I suppose. For me at least Uber has replaced taxi in my daily language. Rarely even think of taking a taxi vs a crowdsourcing apps like Uber or lyft.
Came here to write this exact comment good on you for writing some real clubbing advice! I would say my only addition is 9. Drink a fuckton of water when you get home because you are most likely dehydrated!
You must not live in Sydney :( stupid lockouts.
I lived in Toronto when I wrote it. Last call was at 2 am and thats generally when the clubs/bars would close.
Bars close at 2 AM here. What kind of fairy tale lands do you people live in?
It was 2 am in Toronto too (when I wrote it). If you get there at midnight, you can party till 2 am which is a solid 2 hours. I dont know about you but dancing and hitting on girls for 2 hours is pretty exhausting ;P
Also theres a special fairy tale land called New Orleans where there is no last call and bars are generally open 24/7. You should come check it out sometime
Best fucking Night ever.
This was my every friday for sophomore year, was a good year :D
Lol, I was a football player and all A student I didn't even know what partying was until Graduation night and College! Im 25 and still turn up almost every weekend!
But what do I do with the SEAL?
A head count is debatable.. Typically you have one single friend who has found a (at the time) cute girl/guy. You have that other friend (typically myself) who got hungry and left without finding anyone. Half the time, another friend was belligerent and got kicked out. That couple that always fights when drunk, fights.
Idk man, clubs can be rough.
I try to be a good friend when Im not the one that gets kicked out (If I did, id send a text to someone saying I got kicked out and was headed home) :P If I dont see someone that entered with us, Ill shoot them a text to see if they are ok and generally Id get a reply pretty soon. Either that or someone in the group will have known where missing person went but I never had a situation where someone in the group just straight up vanished without telling someone or someone seeing them leave. I dunno, maybe I had a good group :p
Definitely! Everyone/Everygroup is different. My groups like to turn up per say, so usually someone gets lost, when we remember we search for him. If there is a single girl in the group going out, I try not to get as drunk and stay with her. Clubs and the areas they occupy can be kinda shysty, so leaving a girl alone is a No-No. Guys, I don't care... I'm getting pizza.
That's some extreme self destruction in exchange for a social life there.
If you can balance it out well and only party like once a week or maybe once every other week, you'll be fine. I graduated in the top 10% of my class and now am in law school so its totally possible to have a good nightlife and a good club life.
I suppose if you self harm in a small amount such that the negative results won't manifest until after your death then it's nbd. I've never understood the point of intoxicating yourself to the point of being unable to walk and messing up your sleep schedule just to achieve said intoxication. There are much better and safer ways to socialize, for example organizing a nice outing with your friends to go seal clubbing.
Goddamnit. You got me good.
The only checklist that should be in this thread.
So to have fun clubbing you have to be piss drunk?
Pretty much. My clubbing experience is not the most extensive, but I don't drink and it's just barely tolerable.
You're a brave man, answering the question asked. Mumble mumble clubbing seals something paraphrase a rephrase mumble mumble.
depending on where you live in step 7, cops may be waiting for you outside of clubs, be careful!!!!
I wrote that in Canada and cops there usually just want you to get home safe, not haul you off to jail. Generally a lot nicer :P
Reading this as a 33 year old and my body already hurts from the eventual hangover
...but what do I do about this seal?
Ummm... This really doesn't sound like fun
To some it is.
Yeah, i know. Im just with most of the introverts on here where clubbing sounds like torture:)
Oh, it is torture. But for some reason some people find it fun. But live and let live right?
Gather a group of friends, preferably between 5-10 at someones house around 7 pm
Isn't that a bit young?
1.5 - Designate a sober driver. One that will stay bone dry at the club. In my area, not even 2 drinks will put you over the limit.
TD;DR: do a ton of stuff all night to make the club barely tolerable for a little while.
6.5 it's okay to say yes to drugs sometimes
It's kind of a jerk move to go to any bar or club and not buy anything. If you're done drinking for the night at least buy a bottle of water or a red bull and tip your bartender.
And if everyone follows your rules the clubs you like will go out of business. They make money by selling drinks. That's it. No drinking = no club.
Where's the ecstasy?
People will disperse, especially with this 3+ location plan. I normally say don't worry about this part and treat it like a music festival but you're new so watch one another. You can't really tell which of your friends will go ham without xp. Down some water a few times for future self. If dancing then +water. Fireball is cheap and fairly universal. Maybe avoid tequila this time around. Install uber/lyft and setup your card before you go out (https://www.uber.com/invite/0n4sm). Don't be "that girl/guy." Society is a team effort so be polite and piss behind something near a drain. Humility and a smile solve everything. Order a magnetic spare key box with a code for under your car and keep other spares in car. Lock most of wallet's contents in glove box as habit. Charge your damn phone right up until you leave.
Shame anyone who drinks and drives. People who plan to drive home will be coy about it and do it. After a few games make an announcement. "WHERE'S EVERYONE SLEEPING TONIGHT?" Keep some clothes/blanket in car. Last resort, sleep in car WITHOUT key in ignition else DUI and big life changes.
The world is your party and positive hosts are forever charming. Condoms, no matter how cute I am. Food at night. Mimosas in the morning. Rinse. Repeat.
Nothing matters, go be happy :)
Shame anyone who drinks and drives.
Ive called the cops on a buddys girlfriend because she was blackout drunk and wanted to drive home. She was super belligerent and doing the typical "white girl wasted" shit and I was really tired and neither me or my buddy wanted to put up with her shit, especially if she got in a crash or a DUI. The cops came and talked to her and called a taxi for her.
Is getting shit faced drunk a prerequisite?
lmao all the comments in that are pathetic
'i dont like the things you like wah wah wah'
Wow you're really annoying
I love how your guide is already operating from the assumption that neither you or any of your friends is hooking up.
Out of my 3 years in college, my friends and I never hooked up with anyone at the bar (other than the make out session in the bar/club and phone number for next day). I only saw 1 of my friends take home 1 random girl once. She became his FWB for a while but he found out after 3 weeks that shes bat shit insane so he broke it off.
newbie here, are drinks at clubs extremely pricey or something? Or is it more dangerous since most of the drinking seems to be happening elsewhere
Super expensive. At home, you can drink for free basically. At a cheap bar you might pay like 3 for a beer and maybe 4 or 5 for a shot. At a club, you will pay 8 for a beer and 10-15 dollars for a shot. Its generally not worth drinking at a club
Get some drinks after all, closing time is 7 - 10AM (or when everyone leaves) and you want to stay drunk till then.
You should grab some breakfast on the way home as well, everything is open already.
No ones said the obvious one, which is, If you like the music and the girls/guys stay. If not, have some other ones to hit up. Dance with people, dont be shy, get INTO the music. Act like you know every song and act like you know what your doing. You'll be whisked away to the bathroom to do coke in no time.
Your guide is almost perfect, but where the hell is my post-club pizza/kebab/fried chicken!?
Gather a group of friends, preferably between 5-10 at someones house around 7 pm
Pedophile spotted.
Depends on where you are because if you have 5-10 better make sure that you have a bunch of girls in that group especially in a city like LA
/r/lifeprotips
- Closing time, do a head count, make sure all your friends are there
Thats adorable. Also completely impossible.
7.5 Pick up a dirty kebab on the way home.
Seriously, how many drinks do you drink in a night when clubbing?
hmmm lets see...maybe 5 or 6 beers + shots at the house party, maybe another 4 beers and a few more shots at the cheap bar and then as i said, 2 beers at most at the club to keep your bill low. Ideally at the club, you sweat and dance away the drunkenness so you arent too hung over the next day
The "I have money to burn version"
Gather a group of friends, preferably between 5-10 at someones house around 7 pm (call the club and reserve a table if one of your friends hasn't already done it)
Drink a LOT and play drinking games, chat, listen to music and drink some more until 11 pm
Go to a ~~cheap~~ expensive pub/bar to get your pre-club drink on, stay till ~~12 am~~ 1 am (you don't want to go there too early with the plebs that didn't want to wait in line)
Go to club and get in ~~(if its over 15 minutes, its not worth the wait, go somewhere else)~~ (you have reserved a table, so you don't have to wait with the peasants, but if they make you wait more than 5 minutes start yelling and screaming).
Enter club, by now you should be ~~as~~ drunk ~~as you will get all night~~. Buy maybe 2 or 3 ~~drinks~~ bottles at max to keep up your drunkness ~~if you really want to~~ and so that newer girls will come to your table (they are attracted by bottles of vodka with sparklers on it). ~~Ideally though, you shouldnt buy anything~~.
Use the next 4 or 5 hours to dance, talk to your friends, meet new people, dance with them, hit on girls and dance with them
Closing time, ~~do a head count, make sure all your friends are there~~ (fuck them, they are grown ass men, they can find their way home), stumble out of club, grab ~~a bus or~~ a taxi and head home ~~, or you can walk if you are really brave.~~, or go to eat something (but go eat something only if you are alone, you don't want to let one of the ~~gold diggers~~ girls that you met at the club see you having a 6 am snack)
Get home and the pass the fuck out
Wake up at around 3pm and start this all over again
Fuck me. Sometimes getting old makes me depressed. And then sometimes I remember what a shitty existence being young can be.
if its over 15 minutes, its not worth the wait
You obviously live in a city with more than 3 clubs.
eh. i'd say steps 1-3 are your preference and definitely not what most people like to do when they go clubbing.
gathering at 7pm? come on.
most "better" clubs don't let shitfaced people in, so if you want to drink before entering a club you better only get buzzed otherwise you will be turned away.
You forgot step 9, take a flight to Alaska
7.5 go on mini adventure to find the best takeaway at 3am, end up getting a donner kabab
Remember these donts:
DONT be 2 dudes with their hands in their pockets all night on the bar staring at chicks all night with a frown on your face.
Dont waste your money buying a girl you dont know a drink, talk to her at least for a while first.
Dont forget to tip the bartender a nice fat tip first drink, then with any luck he'll remember you.
Dont support wack DJs, leave the club and tell someone why- starve him and only allow good music.
Dont waste money on VIP unless your dads rich or you got the hook up because you know the owner, most people want to get up and dance and not sit around like a chump all night.
Dont stand around, try dancing with a chick. If you suck, at least try because if you dont- youre just standing in a night club.
Dont ever be a dude dancing on a table.
Dont be afraid to wear earplugs, that shit is too loud.
Dont take a shit at the club, what the fuck is wrong with you.
Dont bring her home if shes too wasted, its not sporting and you might find yourself in some trouble.
Dont forget to take some aspirin and a full glass of water before you go to bed, trust me on this shit.
Cheap bar? Nah, vodka at home is much cheaper anyways. And it's better to drink nothing carbonated to slow down the absorbtion.
You missed the most important step...
6.5 pickup bitches so you can get laid.
Is it just me or did you completely fail to mention ecstasy? I get the feeling clubbing is a bit different for you young whippersnappers.
Stay till 12? That's when they fucking close.
You forgot to get a kebab before you get the taxi home. A fatal error.
talk
How?
my big problem is the timing. I'd never go predrinks that early, if I started drinking at 7pm I'd be drunk or bored by 9. I'd never turn up before 9 and it was usually more like 10 - 11 and then leave at 12/1
the rest of it is pretty okay. you did miss the walk home and the drunk kebab but no ones perfect
You forgot to buy a bag of drugs. And then buy another bag which turns out to be rock salt and end up in a massive brawl which travels down the main road about a mile, in and out of takeaways. Then you head to a warehouse where that guy lives and get on it until like midday and fall asleep on the bus home and end up in fucking Rochdale.
I never really got the typical party schedules. Do I really need to fuck up my sleep pattern completely on the weekend because people take the best guests always come late to an extreme?
This dude forgot, hanging around after the club to talk to people, buying a kebab after the club, going to the casino to win your taxi fair home, waiting almost an hour for a taxi and then paying 3 times the price for a taxi because they're so busy. and by now you've sobered up the sun is rising and you're freezing your balls off.
Yes, but what about the seals?
If you wanna learn to dance, have confidence. If you wanna get laid, have confidence. If you wanna drink underage, have a friend, and beat the systems through an ever changing variety of ways, such as drinking with your non stamped hand or running to the bathroom with an overage friend and rolling their still wet stamp over your hand. Aside from fake id, these are the methods.
Back to this "getting laid" any more advice?
in regards to getting laid, technically, I am fuckeddddddd...
then it's time to get funny
Funny, powerful, wealthy, attractive, the list goes on.
Fuckkkkk.
The best reddit advice.
I was at home today and this woman just walked into the bedroom and took off all her clothes.
That worked pretty well for me
Was it your home? Did she know you were there?
Was it your wife?
Hookers are neat.
His wifes actually a hooker
Your mother, she is liberal woman.
Oh, he broke his arms? I hadn't heard, I hope he recovers quickly.
What he means by confidence is that you cannot seem like you need to meet someone. You must appear to be having a good time because this indicates your cup is full already. People can smell your desperation. If you're unattractive and poor then there are only a few things you can do.
Always remember rules 1 and 2
Have you not read the thread???
Be interesting and funny too.
touch her
If you go somewhere that marks something on your hand if you are underage, put some glue on your hand before you go. Let the glue dry, then peal it off once they mark you as a minor.
have confidence
Oh, brilliant. Problem solved!
serious tag might have helped you out too, as for clubbing, I recommend drinking enough that talking or dancing with random people isn't awkward and finding a place that has music you'll enjoy, oh and of course baby seals blah blah blah
Mabey the default should be [serious] and we should have a [fuckwithme] tag for the rest.
I think Redditors are just the wrong people to ask on matters like this.
There's probably more than a million people browsing Reddit right now. Pretty sure some of them may like to go clubbing.
Right? How else would I get drunk and use the social lubricant to assist me in participating in relations
I'm sure the majority of them aren't lurkers.
Yeah but those actual responses aren't getting up voted, because the remaining 999,999 people on reddit don't go clubbing
Nope, it's an exclusive group of around 20 brilliant introverts. You've probably never heard of it.
/r/truereddit
Everyone is busy getting in their seal clubbing jokes.
I'm out on a bar/club usually twice a week, so there is at least one.
Doesn't mean they're good at it. Source: Go clubbing, am bad at it.
Are you having fun? If your answer is yes, then you are good at it.
Are you serious?
Are there stats on how many people browse reddit at a given time?
We'll never get any real answers though since we don't have a serious tag for the assholes out there lmao
Probably not a significant percentage though.
Are you serious? Everyone here is a loser. Eating this stupid joke up.
[deleted]
Bad pun
I go clubbing all the time! I try not to choose popular spots, and if I stay out too late my girlfriend will get mad, but I still have a lot of fun. You just gotta get used to the smell of blood and body odor.
Yeah at least would live in a cold enough climate to be within driving distance for seals.
You really don't know Reddit, do you?
You shouldn't project your own experience onto others. If you're a college student or recent college grad, of which there are plenty on reddit, you're a very likely candidate for someone who has both gone clubbing and frequents reddit.
There's this thing called satire and not taking shit too seriously - get onto it ASAP...
Practice what you preach. I wasn't being satirical, but you're clearly a little too flustered by a reasonable misunderstanding.
whoosh
Oh, not at all! We clearly know a lot about clubbing ^^^^^baby ^^^^^seals..
We also know how to take advantage of AskReddit threads that don't have [Serious] tags.
I know. People might think you want to GO TO A CLUB!
Ugh, that would be horrible.
I was very curious to hear some real answers as I would like to get into going out to clubs too, but now I'm just disappointed :(
People need a little comedy today...
You knew what you were doing. And I forgive you.
You know what you did.
Yes, yes you should have
By the way, there is /r/thingsiwishiknew that might give you a good answer.
Maybe a (serious) tag would have got you the answers you were looking for.
This is what the serious tag is for.
I should have been more specific
Phew... That was going to give me an aneurism
Yes. Some people might be confused and put tips for dancing in clubs.
Did you get it out?
I feel like what's most important is going to somewhere with good, danceable music. Dance til your legs are tired and have a good night. (If you don't know how to dance, learn. Being drenched in sweat usually means a very good, or very dangerous time. Or both.)
You don't have to say you're from Newfoundland; we can just tell.
There's an old saying.
Something something if you're good looking, but have nothing to say, go to clubs.
If you're average, but with wit, hit a bar.
Seriously though- clubs are fun if you want to get drunk with friends and/or people you barely know, and feel like paying for expensive to drinks.
I prefer bars that have live music, preferably with a drink discount ($1.50 PBRs, what??). You'll meet more people, more interesting people, you can talk in a quiet section or go dance.
This is a fantastic post
Nope. On a day when I started feeling a certain way about the world, you definitely delivered O.P.
Thanks for the laugh.
Always bring a team in to seal the deal. That way we can have a big feast if we club more than one. Trust everyone around me. Yeah buddy! Going clubbing with the guys way more fun!
This is amazing.
Yes.... yes you should have....
Ah, the old Reddit seal-aroo...
Talking doesn't exist when hitting on girls. Just dance but do not approach from behind. Amateur and creepy mistake.
Have fun and dance. No one is paying attention to your shenanigans. Except the cute girl who notices you have fun. Learn to shuffle dance. Also called Melbourne shuffle. Simple but flashy.
Learn about gloving. Not many people do it anymore it seems but it's fun and attracts attention.
Most importantly is to have ear protection. Ear plugs. Anything. Trust me you don't want to lose your hearing. Every time your hearing becomes muffled from loud noises become damaged permanently
you forgot the serious tag.
Do you regret this decision?
As someone who is middle aged and went clubbing a lot with friends I can honestly say to wear ear plugs. My friends who didn't are now a bit hard of hearing. Seriously. Don't be peer pressured into believing it's dorky or something. Your ears have to last your entire life and blowing them out on some crappy club music in your youth is just a total waste. Also, if you are a women, don't ever leave your drink unattended and always use the buddy system. clubs are a haven for predators. I don't want to be a total Debbie Downer but just be careful out there. Safety in numbers and don't wreck your body TOO much.
Should tagged it with [Serious]
I'm guessing if you are new to clubbing you are in hs/college? If you are, I highly suggest going to parties as the main thing. They are more chill, fewer creeps (so girls are less on guard in case you want to hit on them), and they are lots of fun because a lot of people already know each other.
Frats are optional.
Haha. I don't even have to look at the comments to know what's going on here. The second I saw the title, i knew it was going to be nothing but cheap jokes.
Maybe a serious tag
Perhaps the serious tag? But the thread wouldnt be fun
The good thing is that if you're ever in a situation where you're granted a wish by one of those genies/demons/witches/etc. who's goal is to twist your words around, you can run your wish selection by reddit and flesh out the wording.
Serves you right for asking such a lame as fuck question.
This is why we have Serious tags, lol.
Really though, if you're a dick, how did you get into a tree?
Im so out of the loop someone please help
Dress appropriately. You can find out what that means by looking up there dress code either on their website or by calling them ahead of time.
From there it depends on why you are going to a club in the first place. For some dancing? Well, get a drink and get on the floor. No one cares how you dance, so long as you are having fun. And the ones that do won't let you notice, because that's called manners and being polite.
Trying to get your dick/pussy wet? Then dress up and look sharp. Be well mannered, conversational, assertive (but not aggressive), be entertaining (not necessarily funny, nor the life of the party but keep them interested). How you do those things is up to you and your personality. Don't be something you're not. On the dance floor, it's more about body language and movement than your words, at the bar or table/rest area its both body language and words. Either way, be confident and comfortable. Don't force anything on yourself nor the person you are with.
Hang out with friends? A combination of both, in moderation.
In fact, just dress nice, don't get too drunk, handle yourself, be a gentleman and have whatever kind of fun you want.
Yeah. Sadly every submission nowadays needs to have a don't be a dbag disclaimer if you want useful information.
Learn to dance https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=7hZ69BYSeBk&safe=active
Pregame. Move to Europe. Move to Argentina. Move to Hong Kong.
There's a different kind of crowd for each kind of club/music style. I personally only like alternative clubs, specifically Industrial/80s hybrids are my favorite. Goth clubs in general are much more chill in that everyone's there to have fun and hang out with their crowd, much less than picking people up or getting picked up. It's very rare there's a guy flirting with everyone, and if he tries anything unwanted you don't even need to wait for a bouncer because the whole room will turn on him. 80s bars are usually just people nostalgia'ing so they're crazy hyper and just psyched to be there (literally dancing with themselves).
As another person said, go with at least a couple friends. Guy or girl, its less weird then and you'll have someone to enjoy the night with.
Girl or guy, just bring what you absolutely need (ID, money, phone, keys, mints?) and nothing else. You don't want to loose it. I always recommend having things that can attach to you, unless you know there's a coat check. If you're at a place you're pretty sure you can put your stuff on a chair or sommat, still take your valuables with you. Unlikely someone'll steal a big coat. More likely you'll loose what's in the pockets.
Always recommend pregaming as drinks are expensive. I've found absinthe is the best because you can have a nice, classy hangout with your friends chatting and the drink itself gets you drunk super quick but without all the feeling of a loss of control of yourself. You're just...loosened up. Oh, and it's fucking delicious.
Now you've done it.
I'm quite certain that further clarification would have kept you off the front page!
Ya dun goofed, OP.
Go to events ran by burners. (Burners are people that go to events with similar ethics to the original Burning Man.) It normally makes for a more trustworthy atmosphere and provides a sense of community/family.
Be knowledgeable and recognize that you always need to look out for yourself and others in any situation.
I knew this was coming before I even read the thread. So yes, you really should have thought it through.
[serious] tag, brah.
I really should have specified this more shouldn't I..?
Welcome to the club.
I'm really sick of this shit. A lack of serious tag is not an implied [jokes only] tag.
We're doing a thing.
Nah, this way is more entertaining and reminds me of the thread of "what kind of fan do you hate the most?" turning to discussions of shitty ventilation.
A serious tag would have been a eulogy to this glorious thread my sir.
Go there to dance, not to pick up chicks. It's about having fun and blowing off some steam. Going there with the sole intention to get girls is scummy and usually ends in failure for most.
This made me laugh out loud in the middle of the night which caused my mom to wake up a floor above me and yell at me for being still awake. You win.
new to clubbing? Take lots of pics! That way you can look back at yourself years from now and see how cool you were! 😆
Not really. People know exactly what you were asking about and like to be wise guys about it.
Or marked as serious... well, if you wanted it to be a much less humorous discussion.
Admins gotta shill their gold somewhere. No idiot will spend $4 to put a gold star next to a comment.
People have to realize that there's no point in asking an actual question if you don't put [serious].
Better yet, the mods should realize that no thread without the serious tag is going to go anywhere and implement a [joke] tag if people want to allow jokes.
Hahaha poor OP dun got schooled.
Anyway, go watch a movie called Human Traffic. It's the perfect clubbing movie, even if it's 15 years old. Everyone has a good time, no one OD's or dies, it's a perfect movie on how clubbing should be.
This is why the serious tag was invented you daffy bastard.
No no... keep it vague. It's better that way...
Here's an answer: go with friends and don't be surprised if it sucks. Clubs are hit or miss
Nah everybody knew what you meant, Reddit can just be annoying sometimes
Nope. This is way more fun.
You have unleashed something..
Username checks out.
Eh, it was pretty funny anyway. That said I wouldn't mind seeing a serious version of this thread too.
If you are actually curious about trapping and other small game hunting, your local library will have some guides under the 500's (I think) in the non-fiction section. Not many people know this, but fur can still fetch a good price if you know what you are doing. The meat is also an interesting opportunity to experiment with cooked game. A lot of people (myself included) need to get past the "gamey" taste of meats like venison^(don't try to club a deer) , before they can really enjoy it (you will know what I mean when you first taste it).
This isn't a hobby for people who are squeamish or those who have no respect for nature and their prey. Don't be cruel, and don't kill anything just because you can kill it. (Also, don't let it suffer; club your prey hard and get it over with.)
When I saw this didn't have a serious tag I got so damn excited.
Drink water along with the alcohol, so you don't get (as) hungover the next day. Don't just grab a car at the end, calling a cab/uber or via app is better. Also dance, dance a lot, and get a midnight snack after.
Being tipsy is lots of fun, being flat-out drunk is not. Also keep an open mind and be open to meeting new people etc.
No, reddit will find a way to be obnoxious about anything.
Actual tips:
Pick the right club. If you like EDM, ask around and find out what the best spot is for EDM in town.
Make sure to check the dress code. Wear as light and breathable clothes as you can while still being up to code because clubs get hot, especially if you're dancing.
It's fine to go solo if you're confident, but clubbing is always more fun with friends. Start pre-gaming around 8 or 9 and aim to get there around 10:30 or 11. If traffic/parking is terrible then you may want to park earlier and pregame at a bar.
Don't be afraid to dance, even if that means just grooving a bit on the floor. That's kind of what it's about after all.
If you're going to try to dance with girls, just don't be an asshole. Introduce yourself, compliment them, ask if they want to dance, and if no then just say no problem and move on. If yes, don't straight up try to fuck them on the floor, haha.
Treat the bartenders well and don't get too fucked up, especially if you're driving home.
Most important, just give off good vibes, be confident, and be safe!
Watch Night at the Roxbury for inspiration.
This is the best thread ever, thank you so much. I can't stop laughing
Serious tag!
That'll learn you to put the [Serious] tag
I always wear sweat pants and take Viagra before I get down in the club.
Instructions unclear: Dick stuck in tree
No, you should have just added a [serious] tag, its there for a reson idiot....
I laugh at all these people who want serious answers but ignore the [serious] tag option.
Tip your barstaff. If you want to look like a rockstar, we can help you with that. If you want to get a guestlist (depending on the venue) we can help with that, so you're not waiting outside for an hour. If you want to be prioritized when you go up to the bar and not have to wait, we can help with that.
Have fun. Don't be afraid to talk to people or have a good time.
Easiest way to get to know people is buying a round of shots. Easiest way to talk to a girl is offer to buy her a drink...but don't expect anything beyond a 'thank you.'
Knowing how to dance, and having the confidence to do so, will help a ton.
Know the place you're going to and dress accordingly. Even if you can show up in jeans and a t, take the effort and look a little bit nicer. Doesn't mean you need to go in dressed to the nines.
You and the redditor who asked about the worst kind of fans should hang out.
what city are you in?
no... this was perfect....
The [serious] tag would have saved you.
I guess reddit has more smartasses than people who go clubbing
Derailed threads are best threads.
No, you basically hit the reddit jackpot
You got all the users in this thread to come together in one huge joke at your expense, it doesn't happen often but it's always amazing
Also, you got gold so that's nice :D
I was actually looking for a serious answer, but I'm not disapointed
I've actually made an effort to answer your question...and not go seal clubbing sigh
Do not attempt to consume if the seal is broken
All seals are broken after a few good hits with your club.
So just let them lie there and club on until you find one that won't break.
I've read the same joke 50 times now but it's funny each time.
But accidently ingesting small pieces of bone can cause serious troube!
ding ding ding!
best so far
Why go clubbing then?
Well, if you do it right the seal will be broken!
OOOHH SNAP!
What?
Wear old clothes. Blood spatter's a bitch to clean off.
[deleted]
Seal and baby seal?
No he means those stupid neon paint clubs for teens and juvenile seals.
The neon blood only looks good at the club
FTFY
Seal the artist and baby seals
Why not both :D
...and the singer
And orphan
And the old senile ones that can't squirm away.
Who do you club with, Aaron Hernandez?
I just use one of those disposable raincoats. Also, the style section of the Times. If people ask you about it just pretend you have a dog, like a little chow or something.
I'm a little bit confused about which clubbing is this thread? Going to clubs dancing and get drunk or is there a other meaning for clubbing? Sorry for asking but I'm not a native speaker.
There's a bit of word play going on. The OP was asking about the type of club you describe, but the word club has an unrelated second meaning-- a club is also a weapon used to bash skulls and break bones. Club can also be used as a verb meaning to strike with a club. Animal rights activists complain that clubs are used in the fur industry to slaughter baby seals. The way OP phrased the question led many of us (myself included) to pretend we thought OP wanted tips for killing baby seals.
Don't be embarrassed about asking. Your English is much better than my sense of humor!
Thank you
That is the joke, yes?
Some of these would be really disturbing if it was the first response you saw
Not really, hydrogen peroxide works great. Don't use alcohol, it acts as a fixative.
Amonia works well, especially with female blood
upvoted because you spelled spatter correctly
if you wear their pelts, clothes are just disposable anyways they get dirty you just get new ones right away no need for cleaning
This is the one that got me
Wear Emporio not Armani
Not with hydrogen peroxide.
The whole point of clubbing is so you don't get blood on yourself
You haven't seen Inglorious Basterds, have you?
If there's bleeding you fucked up, the whole point is to not ruin the pelt.
Tell that to the Bear Jew.
The first time I went to a club I saw a girl KO another girl in front of me and as she fell her head smashed off my knee. Luckily there was no blood splatter. I don't really go to clubs anymore.
Things are quieter in Greenland.
Thanks, Dexter.
Why bother with wearing clothes at all? Enjoy the experience au naturel; I hear the warm blood is an excellent moisturizer.
/r/nocontext
/r/evenwithcontext
Tell your grandpa thank you for the hand me down clubs.
Lots of girls barely bring any money when they go out because they know guys will buy them drinks, don't be that chump who wastes money buying shots as their standard flirt move.
Instead if you offer to drive these girls to your favorite clubbing place they will club seals for you as they can't afford a taxi back to town.
I almost thought there was one legit answer in this thread for a second
If there is, itll be down the bottom.
I'd imagine all the actual answers are downvoted to oblivion.
We if you think about it. The theory behind that statement is not wrong and can be applied to both types of clubbing.
Seals and foxes.
I am doing the opposite because goddamit reddit.
I mean, the first half is legit.
I think there just might be...
My pointer was hovering over the down arrow so angrily that it was shaking a little.
So close...
I'm really confused. I understand the "clubbing" part, but where did the seals come from?????
The arctic, duh
Yeah I was getting disappointed by that at first.
Well, he does have a point.
Almost. But this is Reddit after all.
You fucking got me man, nice!
I was actually a little disappointed too...it was like finding waldo, only it's a baby seal instead :-/
there is no legit asnwer.
All answers are legit
Lets be honest, there will only be one legit answer in this thread. The opportunity was too great.
Yeah dude think about it. She's out in the middle of nowhere, with some dude she barely knows. She looks around and what does she see? Nothing but snow and baby seals. "Ah there's nowhere for me to hail a taxi! What am I gonna do, say no?"
It's the implication.
And don't forget about the implication
Damn, this is a good one i thought you were about to disappoint me and op but as i can see you gave us some great tips!.
GODDAMNIT
best answer so far.
I'm way too high for this
Keep a firm grip, and use one hand for precision and two hands for power.
Firmly grasp it!
[deleted]
Are you feeling it Mr. Seal?
Are you feeling it
Art thou feeling it now, Mr. Seal?
Are you feeling it now, Mr.Seal dental work
Does he ?
Thank you so much for this reference
Your comment made me laugh so hard I upvoted the entire thread.
NO, THIS IS PATRICK!
No, the lid.
Jellyfishingjellyfishingjellyfishingjellyfishingjellyfishingjellyfishingjellyfishingjellyfishingjellyfishing!
With your hands relaxed, firmly grasp it.
What if you don't have three hands?
Grow another.
Where's that gif of Dr. Who regrowing his hand?
Pft, pleb.
You're obviously not from round here, are you, boy?
When are the best instances to use power vs precision?
Power for the larger seals that need more strength to get through the fat. Precision for the smaller ones so that you can crack their skull.
I disagree. I always use the same swing: as hard and as accurate as I can.
People don't respect clubbers because they think it is easy to just kill a poor squishy soft baby seal. Well they are pretty resilient creatures and you can't just half ass a blow if you want top dollar for your pelts.
My advice is for intermediate clubbers. As you get more skilled, precision and strength go up so it becomes better to go with a 2 handed hit or if you wanna get fancy, dual wield clubs.
I'm chopping all of my action ..... and mostly power
Is this the "reddit death grip" I've been hearing about?
Wait, why do you have 3 hands?
No, use a loose, comfortable grip and only tighten your hand at the end of the swing. You'll get better power and precision, your hand won't get tired as quickly and you're less likely to drop the club if it bounces a little
Terrible advice, two hands is much more precise than one
Thank you, you give good advice. Do you have any tips for hitting seals with clubs?
use one hand for precision and two hands for power.
God that is so good
Press F to seal respect
Personally I find the second hand adds both precision AND power
note to self: Get extra arm implant.
So clubbing is just a word for masturbating?
It's not a question of where he grips it. It's a simple question of weight ratios.
I'm too high for this thread.
There was this asshole I went to high school with named Holden. He was an asshole. I wish people would stop clubbing seals and start clubbing people with the name Holden.
Holden sounds like a phony
yeah, he does sound all goddamn phony and all.
No you've got him all wrong. In reality he's going through a lot. Him being an asshole is just his way of Holden on.
He sure would get a big bang out of this thread wouldn't he? With all the goddamn jokes and all.
You're such a god damned prince Luke boy, you know that? A god damned prince.
I do feel like JD Salinger would deffinatly be a Redditor if he were still alive.
I feel the exact opposite.
JD Salinger was a massive recluse, so he obviously wouldn't
[deleted]
I suppose JD Salinger wouldn't be a redditor if he were dead
JD Salinger would be Holden out on us and saving his best material for books on seal clubbing
DEFINITELY
DOLPHINATELY
Holden't he ?
Was his last name Ehklub, cuz i think i know that guy.
This poster is Holden on to resentments way too long.
goddam*
Stay Holden, phony boy
was that word used a lot in Catcher? I just remember how everything "killed him".
Your all a bunch of phonies, going to that goddamn prep school
Sounds like such a phony!
Petrolhead here: all I can think of is the car...
Holden M'Groin
Heh
I wish more people got this
Kill John Lennon!
Woah man, Hold en, we only know one side of the story. He could be holden out some queue details.
Your professor's holden' to seal you
Thank you.
He is a Texan, i heard. Texas' Holden
holden the phoneden
I bet his last name is johnsons
I tried clubbing one yesterday, but that's difficult you know. If you don't knock it out in one go it runs away making weird horse noises in the process. Stupid ponys making my life miserable.
You know who's got hands?! The DEVIL. And he USES 'em for HOLDEN
Wait, what was his name?
Holden Mahcock
Yooooou motherfucker
Dick Hurtz from Holden.
Dick Hurtz from Holden, Mahcock
James Holden
Punch Hardbeef
Holden Yorcock
Holden Dick
[deleted]
How fucking dare you
Wow thats funny, I also know a kid with the last name Caulfield. He was also an asshole
Just FYI Holden Caulfield is the main character from the book The Catcher in the Rye
On a mildly unrelated note, am I the only one who read that book and understood that the entire point was that it was being told from the point of view of a kid who didn't fully understand things, and that he's a flawed protagonist? Everybody hates on Holden for being a whiny idiot teenager, but the whole point of the book is to tell us stuff as he sees it. He's not always right, but he sticks to his gut and tells it like it is, and it's a kind of artistry in that, a book that doesn't really have a message or moral, just an exercise in empathy?
Am I the only one?
no you're not the only one. I read Catcher about every year of my life since I was 12 and I get new meaning out of the book at every read. When i was a teen I was still capable of understanding that he was confused and depressed and has growing pains. To not understand that is a damn shame.
my new favorite sentiment is that Holden is the worst "because he's rich." I just...
Right. The title is a dead giveaway. It's based on him misremembering the line to a poem, and making up something else that makes sense to him. If that's not an allegory for the human condition, I don't know what is.
What poem?
Gin a body meet a body, comin thro' the rye,
Gin a body kiss a body, need a body cry;
Ilka body has a body, ne'er a ane hae I;
But a' the lads they loe me, and what the waur am I.Gin a body meet a body, comin frae the well,
Gin a body kiss a body, need a body tell;
Ilka body has a body, ne'er a ane hae I,
But a the lads they loe me, and what the waur am I.Gin a body meet a body, comin frae the town,
Gin a body kiss a body, need a body gloom;
Ilka Jenny has her Jockey, ne'er a ane hae I,
But a' the lads they loe me, and what the waur am I.
Comin thro' the rye, by Robert Burns.
Is that an actual interpretation that someone had of the book?
there was a nyt article about it. and that was the general sentiment from the youths these days
I don't care if I sound like the next whiny rich brat. People, young people especially blame so much in the rich for no good reason. I have a coworker who dropped out of high school, got hit with two DUI's, lost his license, and spends all his money (from a job that only pays 10 dollars an hour) on pot and tobacco. Now all he does is complain about people who are more successful than him even though the people that he usually bitches about are the only people who are actually trying to help him. He complains about his parole officer for not telling him when his court date was (I know for a fact she did), his boss for being an asshole (he took him in for a few months while he was homeless), and his coworkers (who are constantly giving him rides so that he can get to work).
Now I know that some rich people are just greedy assholes but people are starting to confuse "I literally wipe my ass with hundreds" rich and "I'm middle class and have a decent paying job so I can support my family" rich.
And I have another coworker who was involved in hard drugs and the stupid shit that goes along with them but he decided that he wanted better for himself and his family and decided to work hard and go back to college and now he's a few months away from graduating with a degree and kicking life's ass. It's not fucking impossible.
It just occurred to me that I've gone off topic a bit. Sorry about that I've had that rant growing in me like a tumor.
I read it in school at the perfect time (it was sophomore or junior year of high school), and I can agree with the people on both sides of the argument. When I read it, I simultaneously hated him and empathized with him.
He was annoying as fuck, but if you were a young-ish teen reading it, you could still easily imagine yourself in his position.
In general though -- I think the author made it pretty obvious that Holden has mental/emotional issues, and those issues tend to guide his thoughts and decisions.
IMO the character was meant to be annoying, but also meant to have some appeal to various people at the time (especially young people). Naturally, many people love it and many others hate it. I think it's a great book, in terms of the execution and the general philosophy it examined, but I'm kinda indifferent towards it as a whole. Then again, that might've been the whole point all along.
You're supposed to "identify" with Holden, but you're not really supposed to "like" him (except in a couple specific scenes). IMO the whole point is that you can understand that he's weird, and an asshole, but so are you, sometimes.
I'd compare it to Birdman -- on some basic level, you can sympathize with Keaton's character, but you don't need to "like" him. Regardless, he's the protagonist, so his point-of-view is the one you kinda "identify" with.
Edit just to mention: Holden constantly calls everyone "phonies" because the author wanted you (the reader) to realize that Holden himself was the biggest phony of them all.
Ya the point of the book wasn't to have conflict or IMO show character growth it was just a detailed week in this kid's life that showed his way of thinking. And I think one of the lessons it has is that sometimes people don't learn from their experiences.
Also, people say that Holden is a self-entitled rich kid with no real problems, which is not true at all. He's traumatized.
His brother, Allie died not long ago. Holden loved him very much, and never got over his death.
He personally saw a kid in his school (James Castle) commit suicide - while wearing a sweater he borrowed from Holden - because of bullying.
"So they started in on him. I won't even tell you what they did to him--it too repulsive--but he still wouldn't take it back, old James Castle. ...a skinny little weak-looking guy, with wrists about as big as pencils. ...Finally, what he did, instead of taking back what he said, he jumped out the window. I was in the shower and all, and even I could hear him land outside. ...I ran downstairs too, and there was old James Castle, laying right on the stone steps and all. He was dead, and his teeth, and blood, were all over the place, and nobody would even go near him."
It's implied that he was molested sexually several times.
"When something perverty like that happens, I start sweating like a bastard. That kind of stuff's happened to me about twenty times since I was a kid. I can't stand it."
By the end of the book, he's close to a mental breakdown. He faints for no reason. While walking on the street, he starts to feel that he's going to disappear and talks to his dead brother.
"Every time I'd get to the end of a block I'd make believe I was talking to my brother Allie. I'd say to him, "Allie, don't let me disappear. Allie, don't let me disappear. Allie, don't let me disappear. Please, Allie." And then when I'd reach the other side of the street without disappearing, I'd thank him."
In the end, he has a nervous breakdown and ends up in a sanatorium.
I'm a grown man and I wish everyone was like Holden Caulfield.
I read it in high school, I wasn't good at critical analysis.
I'm not now either but I'm better.
I understand the book perfectly. That doesn't make him any less of a whiny bitch.
Thank you
Well I guess I'm just an uncultured fuck
Well considering it's book most people have to read in High School... yeah, you really are.
I read it voluntarily, I regret it, I now have an undying hatred for that god damn kid!
so he was all goddamn shitty and all?
The shittest. It makes all those evil fuckfaced seals look like goddamned jesus or some shit. Fuck it, maybe even moses.
I knew a guy named Holden Cox.
Are you fucking high, that's a car brand.
Fuck it, club the cars too.
GM already did that. IIRC, Holden is being shuttered in 2017.
My name is Holden. Shit.
Dude I went to high school with a Holden, and he WAS an asshole. And held a ton of blunts. Austin, TX by chance?
Haha probably couldn't get further away in the U.S. Except Hawaii and Alaska. Fuck those fake ass states.
Holden caulfield the phony?
Holden Caulfield is a friend of mine
Yeah fuck people named Holden! (I was friends with one and he was a dick)
You phony!!
Dude I couldn't stand Holden. Are you in San Antonio? I bet we hated the same Holden.
Not the same Holden, but let us share this moment with all redditors in remembrance of the douche we all know as Holden
The following messages brought to you by: Thank God I Didn't Get The Family Name.
No good, Mr. Holden
But Stuart Holden is a genuinely awesome person. :(
PHONNNNY!!!
At my highschool I remember looking into an office to see a bunch of folders with student's names. One kid was called Holden Kneebone. This is in Australia too, where Holden is one of the biggest and most popular car manufacturers.
The kids name was a disaster.
I have only met two people named Holden. They were both assholes.
If it makes you feel any better, Holden is a tool according to OP's username. To be more specific, a tool to hold a blunt. To be blunt, clubs are too popular, hit em with bars. Make sure to say "yo check out my mix tape" first.
How do you club somebody using a name
I know a guy named Holden. I agree. My friends and I call him Holden Balls but he always thinks that it's a good nickname
Everyone knows Holdens are shit anyway. Ford is where its at.
Or just anyone who owns a Holden
there was a guy that tried to start a house v house brawl when I was atbeach week named Holden
Typical Holden.
I used to work for an Irish fellow named Holden.
Holden McNeal?
But was he holding?
Holden McHroin
Full name, Holden Muhbals
I went through basic with a guy named Holden... His last name was hilarious though so I let the first name slide
My bunkmate in basic was a Holden albeit last name. Either way still an asshole.
I know a Holden from high school, super cool guy. :( Guess my Holden is the exception.
I know exactly who youre talkin bout. Crazy mfer.
Was it Mark Holden?
But I see that you're still Holden a club...
I knew a man named Holden, he was also an asshole though not too cruel. He has since died by his own hand.
What school?
Username checks out.
I'm drunk. I keep believing these people are gonna be serious BUT THEN SEALS
Thanks for the book!
You're Welcome!
I hear you, bro. In order to be truly effective, you really have to get down to the seal's level. Being too high impacts your aim and makes for messier cleanup, so be sure to lean down slightly.
same, but I want to learn more about clubbing
Me too man, I'm cracking the fuck up though 😝 [7]
Word.
Same, brother.
Someone who feels my pain [8]
I'm getting high to Finnish this thread
Truth
Fuckin samesies man
That's perfect. You want to raise the club very high before you bring it down on the baby seal's skull.
Meanwhile I'm the perfect amount of drunk for everyone of these posts to be hilarious
I know. I keep getting tricked again and again. I trust people too much, man.
Me too bro love u
bruh same
Holy shit me too
Stop holden blunts and start Holden clubs
This comment appeared right as I was thinking the same. Laughed my ass off.
I'm too drunk for this thread.
This is just the best comment to read while high. Thanks for the laugh!
This.
Me too, thanks.
I'm too Canadian for this thread. Fuckin 'eh baud'.
Same I don't know what this is about
Are we talking about going out or killing things?
Yours is now officially the highest non-seal related post (other than the OP). That means you truly are too high for this thread. =P
2high4this
You and me both.
[So is your post] (http://imgur.com/Xq5IhRs)
Feel ya, bro.
Ay ay ay I know that FEEL DOE
I'm too thread for this high.
Oh my god me too! It's fucking great
Get more stoned. It helps to enjoy the beats. Just relax and have fun! As you kill a baby seal with your stone.
my man!
Dont let your trees be trees.
[4]
Heyyyyyy im high too. You wanna get high bro?
We should chill 👌
Same.
If the seal squirms just hit it again, don't stop or you'll give it a window.
Loose seal!
I DONT CARE ABOUT LUCILE
He's all right.
[deleted]
Hm, and his wife?
To shreds, you say?
tsk tsk tsk tsk tsk
Different show but I love them both. I'll allow it.
Was his apartment rent-controlled!?
No, I heard he got into a car accident. Now he's all left.
We need a new doctor.
Wait, let him finish...!
I will tell Negan than you don't like Lucile.
Nice.
SHE LIES!
Picked a fine time to leave me, loose seal.
I just fucking lost it
YOU BITCH, YOU SLUT, YOU WHORE
That's the moment you start clubbing
I'M A MONSTER!!!
She can't hurt me anymore!
I AM FAMILIAR WITH THE POPULAR TELEVISION PROGRAM WHICH YOU ARE REFERENCING.
[deleted]
Fuck.
Took me a minute to realize that all the top comments weren't about dancing
I bet realization did hit you like a club
you partook in some real weird nightclubbing my friend
Are you mentally handicapped?
Because most of them mention seals and beating those seals with clubs quite blatantly.
It took me a few words into the first one and I'm not the sharpest lead pipe in the garage. (Which is actually what I use to kill seals)
Only took me one sentence to label you a cunt. :)
Savage
This ones my favorite - no bullshit
[deleted]
Seals are killed by clubbing them with large bats and clubs. It's reddits No. 1 hobby.
ELI5?
Damn amateurs you got to it hit the first time, multiple hits just dont work.
This sentance is really musical.
If you have to do it twice, you're doing it wrong. Don't let the poor fucker suffer, get it done quick.
If you take it out in one hit you may damage the pelt, best thing to do is concussion and then slit the throat.
NO! The blood will stain the fur! Haven't you ever seen what happens when you throw a red sweater into your white shirts while doing laundry?
DOUBLE TAP
Don't stop, Don't stop till you get enough.
This one did not even pretend it's clubbing, just straight up bashing.
Or just hit it in the cranium. The concussion should be enough to knock it unconscious.
[removed]
[removed]
[removed]
Seriously though, just go. You will be nervous for your first time because you don't want people looking at you oddly. They won't be looking at you oddly because they're all here for the sane reason as you.
When you have finally relaxed, approach a nice looking female that isn't too fat because you want to get the job done hassle free.
If she's fat then she comes with a lot of unnecessary baggage and problems.
Find a nicely weighted one and aim straight for the skull. WHACK! No chance of survival because she doesn't have as much fat to protect her as the other ones.
You had me at "seriously though"... dammit
Same
Seriously though!
You had me at you had me at.
You had you
[deleted]
Me
😂😂😂😂😂😂😂😂😂😂😂
I read the whole thing hoping... praying. Was not disappointed.
Wow! All 7 sentences?
Pretty good for the average redditor
You counted them all?!
You're the lame one for counting sentences
Yeah man. I wasted so much time.
Tl;dr?
The number of sentences I can stay focused on directly correlates with the number that sometimes follows my comments. [8]
The sleeper has awoken!
"I'm a big kid now"
Twist: he's just really into murdering women at dance clubs.
Murdering the dance floor
Haha, me too.
You could still be talking about nightclubs for all I know.
/r/nocontext
Take your upvote you manipulative sod
Here, take it back.
This is the exact reason why I chose to be fat.
Damn you! ^^Takemyupvote.
Almost let me down... saved it right at the end.
Omg he used the word 'female'. Get your pitchforks people.
FUCK YOU MAN ARGHHHH
This is excellent. Have an upvote before you go.
whatwhatinthebuttnow - are fingers exempt? My fingers are like steel beams. Perfect for vanquishing seals.
But... But they're stuck in your butt.
Don't get too self conscious, just imagine you are at home listening to your favourite tunes and club that seal as if no one is watching.
I thought I'd found a reply about nightclubs for a second and choked on my drink.
this thread just gets better and better
[deleted]
Why, is he a seal?
If he was one, he ain't anymore
seriously thought, why?
They do say the freaks come out at night
Baby seal
its not that great, its pretty predictable dont you think?
if you didn't go through the whole thread, the joke didn't get old
Its just the same joke over and over again
Shut up, Cosby.
Night clubbing is the best clubbing..
We are still talking about seals right?
Gotta grab 'em while its dark and they can't see, get a good view of its back then lunge forward and filmly grab while keeping at arms length (don't want that pretty face fucking up do we)
Then proceed to pound that fucking seal till its a bloody mess
Originally read that as
and choked on my dick
Excuse me this is my brain. Please see yourself out.
So sorry I did not realize I had wandered into your brain.
I hate when that happens
That escalated quickly
All the fucking time, bro
now I choked on my dick
ELI5?
"Clubbing" is going out to a nightclub, and drinking and usually trying to get laid, sometimes with friends.
"Clubbing baby seals" is referring to whacking baby seals with a golf club.
The humor arises from the juxtaposition of a horridly violent act after both the question and the first part of the answer referring to relatively harmless activity of clubbing
I know they say analysing humour makes it not funny any more, but your comment made me laugh about as hard as most of the top level comments in here.
Yeah clubbing is way too violent, too many fights.
You shouldn't drink while clubbing. You need to be at your peak performance if you want to find the perfect seal.
Still counts
I thought it was a dance move.
Found the white boy
I thought only about choking seals.
While at the club, while watching an attractive seal.
I nearly dropped my club.
Gorramit!
Happy cake day!
Fun fact: Tom Fulp, the creator of Newgrounds and a key member of the indie game development studio ["The Behemoth"] (https://en.m.wikipedia.org/wiki/The_Behemoth), once created a little flash called [Club a Seal] (http://newgrounds.wikia.com/wiki/Club_A_Seal) which actually helped boost the still fairly well-known Newgrounds site towards popularity.
Tom and I exchanged messages a few years back. I was reading up on the history of Newgrounds and Tom himself and came across more recent information regarding the passing away of someone who will remain unnamed - I offered my condolences and gratitude for the creation of a site that was, at the time, my Reddit. He was friendly and knowledgeable.
For those curious, he is semi-active here on Reddit: /u/TomFulp - [here is a link to an AmA he did awhile back] (https://m.reddit.com/comments/9z226).
you are a subtle fucker, I'll give you that.
couple good whacks to the back of the skull, temple, or where the jaw bones connect and they're out cold.
Club that seal like you are a Russian at the club, with vodka so clubbing the seal is easier to do when you are clubbing.
My imagination is not strong enough to imagine no one's in the room watching me dance. The real trick to this problem is to get shit faced drunk, then your imagination comes alive and suddenly no one is in that room but you and that song that was written for you, specifically.
I came into this thread hoping for an answer like this.
Well done.
Huey Lewis & the News
Why am i clubbing seals to my favorite tunes?
For a second I thought "seal clubbing" was just a dance move, like "the sprinkler"
My friend's fantasy football team name is always "The Baby Seal Club" and he loves club music.
Had to read that one a second time to catch it
Until you find yourself on YouTube or /r/cringe.
For some reason I thought you were talking about club penguin lmao.
I can't tell if you're talking about going to a club and doing a dance named "club that seal," actually clubbing a seal, or if "club that seal as if no one is watching" is supposed to be a clever euphemism for shameless public masturbation.
Love this answer
I was getting real annoyed with reddit till I got to your comment. That was funny
Everyone is hammered, so as long as you're confident and not a beast ( or pretending for both or either) you're golden
This sounds like a euphemism for punching the clown in public.
I lost it reading this response! Comment of the day from the thread of the day! Thank you.
I personally like huey lewis and the news when completing the deed.
So close to a real response...
American Psycho comes to mind.
Bloody brilliant
Joey? Is that you?
but then why not stay at home and listen to your favourite tunes?
And dance like you've never danced before.
Found the Canadian!
And that's a euphemism for....
Clubbing a seal
This is how I get people to avoid me
With a lead filled snowshoe
This is going way too far.
If you discover anyone protecting the seals, you can proceed to also club them.
[deleted]
Used to be in a guild in WoW, "Seal Cub Clubbing Club."
I think this joke originated somewhere else around that time though.
The official governing body of clubbing seals is actually called the Seal Cub Clubbing Club.
I assume that they lied.
Remember to take an extra heavy club, those Greenpeace folks have really thick heads.
Have you been clubbing them? You idiot.
"Green" "peace" that means they will leave you alone if you give them some green. (Cash)
They are just like lobbyists and politicians. You have to pay them off to keep them happy.
Edit: if someone upvotes me back into the positive, I'll give you gold.
That's the overlords, the ~~boots~~ birks on the ground are just misguided hippies that deserve a good therapeutic culling
Edit sorry got the footwear wrong
Yep. I also recommend wearing water proof clothes as well. I've lost count of the time ssome PETA zombie threw red paint on me.
Seriously?! Red paint. Ridiculous. Everyone knows the best way to get red paint out of your clothes is to drench them in baby seal blood.
I didn't particularly agree or this your comment was funny, but it was at 999 so here's an upvote for 1000. Congrats
Fucking white knights, amirite m'seal?
Do a small jump (lift your heels off the ground) then pull down with your arm. This gets optimal force into your club and you are basically hitting with your strength plus your body weight.
I'm visualizing a heel click in that sequence and it makes me giggle. Also in my head, the person misses the target in a sort of comedy fail.
click, WHAM!!
Wake me up before you go go
Oh god I hate that song with a passion. We had to play it in band for a concert so we practiced it every fucking day for about a month or two.
Hahaha I was thinking the same, also to the tune of Benny Hill
If this was Bugs Bunny, the swing would crack the ice around the seal, then the rest of the ice, under the clubber would fall into the water, leaving the seal high and dry.
Did they slip on all the blood?
Just don't slip on the ice!
That's an illegal anime move.
Shit like this usually cracks the earth in half and do you know how long it takes to glue it back together!?
The trick is to find a place with good music. It helps soothe the animal before you take its life.
...might I suggest somewhere that plays Seal?
A KISS FROM A ROSE...something something
My power, my pleasure, my pain...
'cause don't ya know a when it snows, I beat a seal like my hoeeeeee
That escalated quicker then I expected...
BABY!!
[removed]
3DAIL it was "gray" and not "grave"
(yeah!)
BAAAAAAAAAAABY!
I call her Heidi Klub
Bay-bay (seal)!
BAY BEH
BAYBAYYYY don't you know your lips are like the thud of a club on a seal
NO. The next bit goes bayyybaaaaayyyy. You fool!
Only thing that comes to mind is Batman Forever... What a classic... During my childhood
But did you know that when it snows
FTFY
That escalated quicker then I expected...
BABY!
BABAAAAABUuuuUUUH
Battmaaaannn
Plenty of pain coming to that baby seal, I'll give you that
BABY
Baaabyyyyyy!
This is freaky, I literally just got back from watching that Vacation movie and this is the only song they wanted to pay for apparently.
I still think it's one of the best songs of all time.
Desert Rose?
He Tweeted it...? HE TWEETED IIIIIIIT!!!!!!!
The opening "na na na" provides a good rhythm to time the opening blows
[deleted]
Kiss from a Club
Only his name is Reptar so I dont know what you are on about.
Dan Seals
The seals are never gonna survive. Unless we get a little crazy.
BABY
I prefer Croft and Seals.
"But we're never gonna survive unnnnless, we get little CRAZY" clubb that seal
Killer
If you are offering the seal up as a trophy for a loved one, 'Signed Sealed Delivered, I'm Yours' is an appropriate song.
Here's a good song to get you pumped up. Goin Clubbin by the Maxies.
You're tall and make scented snow?
Do you really have to repeat yourself?
redditsilver.jpg
I can't believe people aren't taking this seriously. I've been clubbing for ten years now, and I have a fair few tips. This'll probably be buried by loads and loads of clubbing baby seal posts, which is absolute nonsense. Beginners should focus on old, senile seals because they don't crawl away as fast.
[deleted]
SILFS are such easy targets.
SILCS* FTFY.
For a minute I thought you meant Seals I Like to Club Senselessly
What nonsense. I meant Seals I Like To Club Senseless.
[deleted]
winky face
( ͡° ͜ʖ ͡°)
Seals, I like clubbing seals
No, SILFs........ ;)
What's that stand for?
Speak for yourself.
Seals I Like To Club Soon?
Seals I Like Flogging...I hope?
Hey man you do you.
[deleted]
Small Martians I Love to Friend? At LEAST take them out to dinner first! Have some class! If chivalry died, it's because you booty raped him senselessly that their bowels just leaked out.
Seals I Like Flailing ;D
You no good dirty motherclubber
Ah so you go after the elusive cougar seals. I prefer them older too, especially because if it's their mating season you can easily score at least 3 in one night.
Mothers I'd like to kill?
You bastard:
:You killed Kenny.
Kenny will remember that.
Why would you name it if you are just going to club it?
TIL, Supertrousers killed Kenny.
:steamsalty:
Mumbles
It was kind of funny the first 8 times.
Yeah, but then it's boring because the seal's dead after the 8th hit.
I can't believe people aren't taking this seriously."
Might as well have waved the "I'M STILL PRETENDING IT'S ABOUT SEALS" banner then and there.
Wow, completely didn't see that one coming! Clever guy, clever!
Well what're the tips? OP plz
maybe they'll forget they're dying.
This also strengthens the herd so we can all continue clubbing even as we age and turn senile!
I don't get it
I've been bamboozled by this thread once again
This is one of the funniest responses ever
senile seals
New band name
I feel for it. I feel for it so hard.
Apparently I'm a little lost here. Mind explaining to me, someone? D:
Just wanted to let you know I just read this on a bus in London and burst out into maniacal laughter which made the woman sitting next to me spill her coffee. Well played, kid, well played.
god damn you. lmfao
Yeah but clubbing sucks and should be illegal. Those poor seals.
so baby seals crawl faster? Is that why they call it pup crawl?
Was so so hoping you would close out the post that way. Have an up vote.
Damn it
Use the putter when you get closer.
Or be a real man and play mini golf instead.
[deleted]
Idea: 8/10
Execution: 5/10
Total: 13/10
...wait
Execution: ~~5~~ 0/10
FTFY. No seals were executed.
That's how adding fractions work. I think your math checks out.
What, no rice?
9/11 with rice.
This isn't the Tesla P85D
6.5/10
Unnecessary math.
13/20 You can't total one side but not the other.
Buzz killington, away!
I love your username. I've been saying this for years, and women are always like, "Whatever asshole, just pass the fucking brie."
/r/commentreviews
Found the golf-lover.
Yeah I also thought of posting a funny reply about golf even before I saw the comments of this post. I actually had to look up deal clubbing since I expected real answers.
Nice try. No points for second place. You're just first loser, nothing more.
I appreciate that you went for it. Not funny enough but good idea
Real men play golf, son. Not that mini shit.
Step 1: Be attractive.
Step 2: Don't be unattractive.
This is important because baby seals are easily frightened and will run away if you're ugly.
This advice doesn't really apply if you're rich, though, because then you can afford a giant net that will prevent the seal from escaping
Or a cage, Nick.
Rules also carry over at r/tinder
[deleted]
Tinder rules for men: 1) Be attractive 2) Be really, really attractive
Tinder rules for women: 1) Be
*Not be fat
*Not be fat
Rules for humans
RIP FPH
PAO! Right in the kisser
I don't know if this is original or not, but it's the first time I've seen it. Genius.
Not original at all. But still great.
ayy lapao
Wow this doesn't even say [deleted] yet
Reddit is about the same level of interesting when you browse with an Undelete / Unedit program. I recommend it anyways.
FHRITP?
Feil Patrick Harris?
No! Idiot. /r/fatpapalhat
RIP? A toxic community run by and frequented by the most miserable, toxic, and horrible scum of the Earth? Good riddance I say.
What do you mean? It wasn't run by fat people.
No. The people that ran and frequented that sub were 1000 times worse.
Frank Patrick Harris died??!
Unless you're a meal for cannibals.
You're thinking of the Tender app
@RULESAREMADETOBEBROKEN
I think there should be a # and not a @ there
Yeah but it just makes the text bold instead of showing a #
Ahahaha, I'd give you gold if I had some.
Don't blame ya, I'd give myself gold too if I had some.
It doesn't matter, fat chicks get more matches than average looking men by an order of magnitude.
Now we know what being oppressed feels like. See you on tumblr
Be not fat
I'm a chubby-chaser, so I'm okay with a little weight. A little.
Try saying that on a dating website and see how people interpret "a little"
Doing god's work.
Half of the views on Eden DD's videos are probably due to me. No shame what-so-ever.
Or have a confederate flag in your photo. Those are really my only deal breakers at this point. And hell, I'll compromise on the first if she's cute.
Over here in the great north, its usually the occasional whale that makes one quick swipe left.
Ehhhh
*If fat, only use photos of your face taken from an angle high above to make your chin look smaller and pointier.
I've seen those way too often where the first one is just the face which is a solid 8, but explore a bit more to find out the truth.
*If ugly, use group photos with more attractive friends
Be not be fat?
Eh, you can be fat, just have reasonable standards. You aren't catching a 9 if you're a 2.
[deleted]
[deleted]
They don't think any guy. They think some guys, and we all self rate higher than truth.
Unattractive male friend (4/10) played "yes to all without bothering to look" in a new city. He matches about 1-3 / 100 women. Attractive female friend (7/10) matches above 75% while being very selective. Never sat with an unattractive female friend as she tinders so curious to know where it falls.
I tindered on behalf of my old quite unattractive housemate once, and was just swiping right to everyone - every single one was a match, it was insane.
To find a decent life partner a man must do the following: be well read, well spoken, bi-lingual, a snappy dresser, witty, funny, attractive, have good manners, and rich.
To find a decent life partner a woman must do.... her hair.
Tinder rules for baby seals: Make sure your pelt is clean and soft. It'll be worth more that way.
I'm both of these things and I'm still not profiting. There must be a step in missing
To be fair - I'm good looking, but honestly not amazing at all. I find tinder to literally be a buffet. Its more like a 50/50 spread between game and looks in my opinion
What game when you match 1% of the time...
Boobs
Suddenly my few dozen tinder matches out of thousands of swipes feels like an accomplishment. :/
lmao, not even.
No, thats grindr. Someone else said it in a post recently. Gay pickup is like shooting fish in a barrel.
Gay pickup is like ~~shooting~~ swallowing ~~fish~~ cucumbers in a ~~barrel~~ bathroom stall.
FTFY
1) Be 2) Don't have a noticeable penis
FTFY
[deleted]
If you're male, you're expected to have enough personality for the both of you. Also, they're probably bots or fake profiles. Weird guys like to pretend they're hot girls
Tinder sucks anyway. At best it's a supplement for getting laid casually, at worst its dealing with females who think their average looks makes up for a horrific personality and their entitlement, both of which they are constantly validated over, due to the insane number of horny guys showering them with dick and attention that they would never get in any other setting. Also, if you're below 6'4 you're short, but don't ever judge a girl because she's fat or on her tits. I guess in fairness I've had a handful of pretty enjoyable, normal hook ups due to tinder, but the sadness I see over at that SubReddit from guys who believe it's the only way to meet girls is just depressing, as well as the terrible personality exhibited by girls who don't have the physical attributes to get away with it, takes everything to a whole new level
Also, if you're below 6'4 you're short, but don't ever judge a girl because she's fat
I hate this nonsense I'm 5'11 and in fantastic shape.. but god forbid I mention I don't date fat chicks and I'm a Nazi.
I'm sorry I stay in shape, I'd like a partner that does the same, I can't exactly grow taller, but you sure as fuck can exercise and lose weight.
You don't date fat chicks and you're a Nazi? I can see why you have bad luck on tinder.
LOL
Yea, he should really try jdate
http://imgur.com/Wfeos92
You realise women think the same, right? Girls who keep fit and take pride in their appearance want guys who do the same.
And there are also plenty of neck bearded gaming whales who think they should get to bang Jessica Alba, because they are 'nice guys' (translation: guilt tripping fucktards) and 'smart' (parrot shit they read on the internet).
I think these are equally deplorable demographics.
They're not equally deplorable, they're literally the same demographic. Just something different between their legs.
Only the weight is the same. The demographic is completely different.
Actually, women are worse. The OK Cupid data suggested that most women rate 80% of men as "below average" looking whereas men rated 50% of women "average". The princess generation is real.
It depends, women also seem to have more specific tastes then men do. I've also seen it put forward that women have more varying valuations of an individual man's attractiveness where men tend to generally agree more on how attractive a woman is.
"I have this weird fetish for tall, athletic guys who drive expensive cars and whom everyone looks up to"
The male equivalent is skinny with big boobs, etc.
But with women, some tend to like chubby guys, or beards, or certain hair colors, or some fixate on things like jawline or teeth or body language. Some are simple and like abs, some girls don't like abs at all.
Not really, no. It's either that they can't get that type, or they want to pretend they're different. Girls are no different than guys, 95% like the same thing, and there is nothing wrong with it - just evolution at work. Only like 5% are legit fetishists.
I agree with /u/MRoad who says women have more specific tastes. With guys, if you are a girl with boobs and a nice picture, guys will like you. Women go for all sorts of criteria. Wether they like your hair, your description of yourself, etc.
You realise women think the same, right? Girls who keep fit and take pride in their appearance want guys who do the same.
I do, that was the whole qualm I have. I'm fit and take pride in my appearance, yet I've actually gotten turned down specifically because of my height.
So some girls seriously want a guy that's 6ft plus, no exceptions? Fuck, I'm 5'6".
So? Why would you want to date someone with that kind of thought process anyway?
Meh it's mostly in shallow ass online dating.. Don't get me wrong a lot of girls aren't into dating guys that are shorter then them, but like a few inches isn't a big deal.. and most girls aren't over 5'7/5'8 so as long as you're in okay shape and decent looking it's not the end of the world.
I'm 5'3.5", and I do have a preference for guys taller than me; my boyfriend is 5'5.5". So even the "taller than me" rule isn't always super restrictive for some girls. Dating apps/sites do seem to bring out the more specific preferences though (e.g. "6' or taller only").
Totally understand I have my own preferences too.
It's just about being hypocritical, a person can't get mad if they say I won't date short guys and then I say that's okay because I don't date fat women..
It'd be different if i were out of shape or sloppy.. but I work really hard not to be, so I just dont understand where this level of entitlement comes from.. My preference's are usually achievable, I'm not asking for a super model or anything, but someone who looks like they care about themselves.
That's my only issue with it, every should get to have their own preferences.. that's just the reality of life.
I agree with you; I was just adding to the idea that even having a common preference (e.g. regarding male height) isn't always that restrictive, especially in real life. The height preference seems to be most extreme online. But even then, "taller than me" doesn't always mean really tall.
I've been wondering if maybe that 'only 6'0"+ need apply" thing has come about in the same way the 'no fat chicks' has come about, in that people have been grossly misrepresenting themselves and others are fed up.
E.g. Girl is 5'7", guy says "oh, yeah, I'm 5'11", athletic," blah blah..." they meet up for dinner and he's 5'4" with thinning hair and not particularly athletic. So they've put the 6ft thing to discourage those who think that 5'7" is tall for a male.
Like women who might post pictures that are 3 years old from when they were doing cross countey at college and are now 35lbs heavier and look totally different.
Urgh.
Online dating.., I just cant fuck around with that shit. Everybody is full of crap.
This post deserves gold but Im cheap.
Spend this wisely, now
http://i.imgur.com/QodSEnD.jpg
but god forbid I mention I don't date fat chicks and I'm a Nazi.
My guess is that when you drop this on people their overly negative reaction has more to do with your being a Nazi...
Just say you're 6'. It's not like they can tell the difference. Hell, say you're 6'2".
At best it's a supplement for getting laid casually
I respectfully disagree with you. I have several friends who are in serious relationships with girls/guys they met on Tinder. Two of my friends are even engaged to be married to someone they met through the app. In general, I would agree that what you're saying holds true for Tinder, but there are certainly better outcomes than just casual sex to be had through the app--I just wouldn't be one to bet on them.
I mean, it's quite obviously for both. It's not the NSA dating section on craigslist, but it's not christianmingle either.
Plus like every single woman on there is like: "No hookups!" on their profile.
And then all they use it for is hookups.
I actually met my current gf on Tinder. We've been dating for over 6 months now. I had Tinder for like, a week before we met. Then we started dating a month later.
What if you're 6'4" and fat?
Then you can get enough girls with your gravitational pull.
Tinder and all online dating is a giant joke. How can you really determine a persons personality on whether or not they look hot in their picture. I refuse to do any of that shit because I actually like face to face interaction before I place any judgement or opinion on someone. Bottom line, if you have a good personality and can take a joke, you're good in my books.
I travel a lot and am like a...7ish? 24 year old guy. As long as you talk to girls and put in consistent effort you can find some 5-6s who want to hook up. I've had them show up at my hotel with no phone number and I've shown up at their place too. Just don't be a creep and let them know clearly your intentions from the beginning. 95% still won't care but some will want to hit.
The power is in the favor of the females to they can easily get people who are 2-3 or 4 better looking than them with no effort of they are dtf.
You need to talk to girls like they are actually people and let them know you, if you want to get with and even or above number with is normally a local to your city.
On her tits?
as well as the terrible personality exhibited by girls who don't have the physical attributes to get away with it
Jesus. No one should have the physical attributes to get away with it. If you let pretty girls get away with it, you are creating the problem too.
Just to let you know, gay men have been dealing with this on grindr for forever
Someone's bitter
You sound like you need a hug.
This makes it seem like getting laid is not even worth it
Often times it's not. That's kind of my point. I guess some people could be really desperate but I guess I've been fortunate enough to fundamentally not understand putting up with that level of bullshit just for a night of pussy when there are so many much easier, less degrading ways to get it
I mean...it's tinder. Your prob. Not getting the best girls there to being with. The nice ones are probably found by great guys or unavailable...
Do you usually kill your tinder dates and take their pelts?
If you read about the Ashley Madison data, where they believe only 15% are actually women, that number would apply to Tinder too.
No one on reddit even realizes I'm really a Jedi.
Is this a newish meme? Because I seriously just got done googling Ashley madison not 5 minutes ago after hearing it mentioned by a D&D group. So this was that baaeder meinhof or whatever the fuck on turbospeed.
It's been a big story recently because (IIRC) somebody hacked the site and got everybody's info from it. Some big names came up, including that gross Duggar guy, and it's just been in the news a lot the past week or so, so everybody is talking about it.
Why would I want to find baby seals on Tinder?
I think you meant /r/tender. If you can't get close to grab the seal, how on earth will you be able to tenderize the meat?
Should have used a whale reference then
Step 1: Be attractive.
Step 2: Don't be unattractive.
Step 3: Club baby seals.
Tinder is weird.
Is it ok if we skip to step 2?
Not unless this is Fight Club.
You're the reason I don't go to parties.
Glad to see that someone combined the two most obvious posts to save time.
This only applies if the person goes to a club to meet new people.
Step 3: Take coke.
triggered
How does being attractive help me viciously kill a baby seal?
This seriously always cracks me up lmfao... I always see it but I don't know why it always makes me laugh haha
Are baby seals a reference to something our am I just stupid?
I don't understand . What is "seals" by your meaning ? I Why English is so hard to learn . Damn !
Guy's version?
Step 1: Be rich.
Step 2: Don't be poor.
All these damned posts and none of them offer real advice.
When you go clubbing, what you really need is a good wingman. Grab your best friend or even your lady friend.
Then use them to catch the seal's attention so you can sneak up on it.
[deleted]
that is probably good advice on going clubbing though, either or seal hunting or clubbing/dance shit. bring a wingman.
Hahah...
Are you specifically into clubbing? 90% of people just bring a firearm with them and that works out fine. If you want to go traditional what you want is good quality wood handle with a small hammer on one side and a sharp pick on the other.
Try to approach behind them and conceal the weapon pretending you're friendly. Make sure there are no cameras. Even if you have no moral qualms the pics could haunt you if they got published, not worth the risk. After you strike you should check to make sure that your target has a glassy-eyed, staring appearance and exhibits no blinking reflex when its eye is touched while it is in a relaxed condition before undressing them. Otherwise you could be found guilty for doing something highly illegal. Best not to take chances, especially if you want to make a career out of it.
Go for young ones but not too young, again don't want attract the attention of johnny law
A lot of guys drink. A lot. It won't help your numbers, I'd avoid it, you want to be as alert and responsive as possible in case something goes wrong
Um... We're still talking about seals, right?
What are you talking about? Doesn't matter what type they are principles the same, to make the profit you need to bring in as much fresh meat as possible. More important is to have a trusted buyer who will take your supply. EU's been cracking down. You can always sell the meat to the Asian market, but you'll have to hustle to find someone who wants the skin. Organs typically the clubber eats himself or cooks it into a hearty chili and serves to friends and family
edit: Do you mean NAVY seals?
I didn't think the color mattered when choosing... How would you even get Navy-colored skin? Do you use dyes or something?
If you don't remove it right way the skin turns blueish due to the rapid blood loss
What's your technique for removing skin? Any pointers for a newbie clubber?
Cut at the ankles and roll it up.
Cool, but if you're getting them fresh from the water, what do you do with the flippers then?
I don't have any experience with that, I exclusively work in the Nevada region
Oh. So you handle distribution? Can't imagine you'd get many seals down there...
Underwater spray paint should do the trick. Just be sure to mask off the areas you don't want painted, such as the nose, mouth, eyes, etc before you start spraying - far easier to mask off than to clean up overspray later.
Wouldn't that affect the flavor though? How would you even get spray-painted meat past the FDA?
The Federal Database of Acronyms? They can't enforce regulations, just call it a Tactical Combat Ration, it'll be fine.
To save you the hassle of using tape underwater, it works well to just firmly hold a cloth over the mouth and nose.
adding chloroform to the cloth can help, too
Underrated.
or cooks it into a hearty chili and serves to friends and family
I'm now in love with you, want a bearded man to be your wife?
Krieger?
ಠ_ಠ
What's that?
Oh wait yea I mean that's yea I was talking about seals.
I guess OP possibly received one serious yet twisted answer
I too am a Newfie
Newfie checking in! There are dozens of us!
I just... what...?
That will ruin the fur, bro. The fur is the entire reason OP is out there killing shit in the first place. (Also, Seal Pops are damn tasty!)
10/10, best comment so far.
Young seals are easier and have softer pelts.
Remember, never leave your seal alone, always keep an eye on it. A predator may do something/try to revive your seal.
I'm just imagining a polar bear sneaking up on a seal clubber, and then when the clubber isn't looking, the polar bear frantically defibrillates the seal.
You can avoid that problem with rohypnols.
Your seal may also try to steal a boat.
Don't worry. Chris Hansen will catch them before any harm is done.
I blew my seal
Well, right about that time people
A fur-trapper who was strictly from commercial
Had the unmitigated audacity to jump up from behind my igloo
And he started into whippin` on my favorite baby seal
With a lead-filled snowshoe
I'm really looking into getting into clubbing, what type of club would you recommend for a beginner, and would a large branch be an alright substitute?
Absolutely not. That's cruel and inefficient. Only use a quality hakapick. Use the hammer to crush the skull and the pick to drag the carcass.
This is true and its the most efficient way to do it. If you feel finicky you could carry a tarp with you so that you can wrap it up for easier transport.
If you plan on selling the meat skinning them alive will actually lead to tastier meat, i learned from the best.
I want to go cry in a hole now.
Seriously? I ask because when I was taught to hunt deer, the idea was that you want to kill the animal as quick as possible, if you injure it, it releases adrenaline as it freaks out and that will make the meat tough.
For cows and other commercial meats they often do knock it out then slit the throat to drain the blood more efficiently, so maybe if you club the seal but don't kill it, then skin it, that works.
Depends on both species and perspective. Skinning women alive, for example, always tenderises their meat, and does the opposite to mine.
ALWAYS remember to wrap it before you tap it.
+1 on the tarp.
Lay it out and drag it along the ground like a sled for short trips to your vehicle instead of trying to make a bunch of trips.
I'd recommend a lead-filled snowshoe (peek-a-boo) but watch out for Frank and Nanuck.
Decided to google Hakapick, hit the image that interested me most and found this article. Wow.
Yes, I found this to work if she doesn't want to go home with you.
A golf club club works pretty well. Just go to your local golf club club club, they usually have some for rent.
If your local golf club club club doesn't have any clubs, club the ~~club~~ chair of the club with a club club club club club.
EDIT: Found a mistake.
Well I'm getting attacked my religious fundamentalists for having an opposing view, this is neat.
andddddddd thatttsss the wayyy the newss goes.
Grass..... Tastes bad
Lick Lick Lick my balls!
Grass... Tastes bad!
GRAAAAAAAASSSs tastes bad
LET'S GET SCHWWIIFTYY
Take off your pants and your panties
Shit on the floor
It's time to get Schwifty in here
^^^I'm ^^^Mr. ^^^Bulldops
SHOW ME WHAT YOU GOOOT!
My man!
This is the 2nd R&M reference I've seen in the past few hours on here. I'm okay with this.
Three boys in a tub
GRASSSSSSSS tastes bad!
AIDS
Bird person told me about your problems
its like i can now read dubstep for say a long journey, thanks
/r/WordAvalanches
Is that even grammatically correct?
I think so? 'cept one instance in the middle.
If your local golf course whacker association doesn't have any whackers, beat the club (oops, I meant chair) of the association with a (golf) course whacker association association (approved) whacker.
If that sentence made sense to you, there's a fair chance that you've been here way too long and need to go outside.
I just went to sams club.
Did Sam's Club have a club for clubbing with club club clubs?
No it was just a bulk discount.
Buffalo buffalo buffalo Buffalo buffalo!
Buffalo
Up vote for "golf club club club"
Welcome to the golf club club club club.
Is that the golf club club club club for golf or the golf club club club club for the beating and murder of baby seals?
The golf club club club club is for fans of the golf club club club, a club for clubbers using golf club clubs.
Be careful not to hit the ground with your golf club. There was an episode of CSI where a guy did this, the end of the club broke into pieces and the shrapnel ricocheted into his neck, killing him. It also renders your club a useless metal pole, hard to club seals with but significantly easier to stab with.
I would recommend a hand crafted rosewood club, as it produces the best sound quality.
[This is my go to method, its more personal] (http://gfycat.com/SophisticatedBronzeCowrie)
[deleted]
That shit blows 🐳
So a baby seal walks into a club
I came here for this.....
Edit: Ok i get it, a lot of you came too!
[deleted]
I might club the old seal when I get home from work.
Are you going to masturbate?
I'd like to think that's not a euphemism
I'm just really glad this thread is the top comment. Boy did OP get good advice.
The young seals or masturbate part?
yes
And floss
You're god damned right i will.
He just said he was. Can't you read?
You mean again?
That too.
Some people are giving enough to harbor old, abused seals and to put them down peacefully when it's "their time."
If you have to ask...
Why wait?
Me too
Thanks
Doot doot
You called?
Thank
I love seeing wild me_irl ers around reddit.
Me too, thanks
Thank mr. skeltal for dank memes
Thank mr skeltal
🎺🎺
💀
me too, thanks
Thank mr skeltal
All Aboard! The karma train is leaving the station.
🎺💀🎺💀
Mr. Skeltal
FTFY
Was not disappoint
Well, they were very excited.
So did I. ( ͡° ͜ʖ ͡°)
I came.
I came here, then this.
...was not disappointed.
...I came here.
I came.
Me too...
Me too.
193 points, what the fuck reddit?
1161 now! muahahaha
I came BECAUSE of this...
This is really true for both seal clubbing, and, well normal clubbing.
Uhh....
I like the way you think! You're hired.
To do what, club seals?
Subway needs a new spokesperson...
I don't understand this thread
I think they mean't both normal clubbing, and also human going to clubs clubbing.
are you referring to clubbing young children?
By normal clubbing, do you mean like whipping your sister's boyfriend in the head with a tube sock full of D batteries so hard that it cracks his motorcycle helmet in half because you were all paranoid on coke and thought he was trying to steal your car?
I honestly didn't get the pun at first and thought the latter was the joke.
That's why its hilarious lol.
I could fetch a fair profit for that one
Download a seal
These are my medals. I got them from army camp, mother
I would... but I'd get it drunk first.
A baby seal walks into a club.
Yes it just walked into my club on its own and rammed his head against it. I swear!
The seal knew that this is where I go clubbing, he was asking for it!!
"It was coming right at me! I was fearing for my life!"
Officer it was an accident! He fell on my knife 27 times!
it was the seal clubbers clubbers club
Two baby seals walk into a club. Boom Boom!
Remember, the power comes from using your entire body in the swing
Edit: contractions are hard as fuck man
Remember, you're is short for you are!
I seriously thought "seal" was a night club term and tried to make some sense of this sentence before the joke finally clicked and now I feel dumb.
Thought I was going to be clever and write something similar, clicked through to see this as top comment. lol. GG
Dammit. Four hours late.
This is true for both types of clubbing...
Warranty void if seal broken.
Also, if you're making your own club instead of buying one from a retailer DO NOT bind the handle with athletic tape. It will make little to no difference in the tundra. I'd recommend electrical tape or if you're willing to splurge bat grip tape. Works wonders.
You are now a moderator of /r/SealCubClubbingClub
Man this makes me sad
Easy and soft, a clubber's dream.
Damnit you got to it first :/
This was the first comment I read.
It took me a second to realize this isn't euphemism for hitting on younger girls.
Isn't it?
Club sandwiches, not seals
At first I thought this was a metaphor and tried my hardest to decipher it.
It's actually two metaphors, look deeper.
Crazy Ernie will club
So many layers to this joke...
Seven... I think it's seven layers.
:(
Opened this thread ready to ctrl+f "baby seals", top post saved me the effort.
This is just like that drunk Scotland post dammit.
Lighter clubs are actually better because you can aim better.
Ah the old Reddit didgeridoo
Makes me cry everytime );
I ♣ Seals
I don't get it
retarded "misunderstanding" joke accounted for, let's scroll down to the next comment
"I don't club but my cousin does sometimes and he said...."
This isn't funny...
Aww damn, sorry man I didn't see you there... It was only a metaphor for making club sandwiches... honest.
Baby seals favorite drink? Canadian club on the rocks.
They've also been kissed by a rose, on a grave.
WAY UP NORTH WHERE THE AIR IS COLD
"Seals are cuddle, not clubble!"
http://imgur.com/fVu1Xox
totally applicable to nightclubs
http://imgur.com/C7B6GAP
I honestly took that as a euphemism.
Why don't you have a seat right over there
Can confirm
This is a pro tip.
Source: am Canadian
At first I thought this was a metaphor for bringing home young 21 year olds. Thought to myself "hmm, that's an interesting way to put it, yet true." I still don't know what I felt was true about said metaphor. But it pelt right.
Pervert.
You are my new favorite person. Ill inform the missus now.
So I WASN'T the only one thinking that's what OP meant.
I think this is the best reply I've ever seen on Reddit. Bravo. I've had a shit few days and needed that unbridled "GUFFAW!". Thank you.
Keep your eye on the skull
where is the post for the ol reddit clubaroo
At first I thought this was a metaphor........ It actually still checks out...
ah the old reddit switcheroo
This works as a metaphor, too.
Totally just accepted this as a metaphor endorsing guys to try to fuck younger women before I scrolled down. I was pretty unphased "creepy ass shit at the top, yep that's reddit"
I'm pretty ashamed that I missed the blatantly obvious pun. That's even more reddit.
Well reddit, that's it I've failed you. I should have seen the next 50000 seal jokes, but I kept expecting them to end. I should have seen that coming. Fuck.
It was actually a metaphor for making the perfect club sandwich.
I thought "Well the first answers are probably not about seals" so I sorted by old
Nope. This was the first answer.
know what polar bears and Tupperware have in common?
Both like a tight seal
Honestly though, have any of you guys seen that PETA video that shows a guy getting like a hexakill on some seals? It's hilarious and not funny at the same time. He kills six seals in like twenty seconds.
Well he knew he was going clubbing... probably decided to drop a pill before he went in. Power Up
sigh
Looks like I am not a beautiful snowflake.
Use this flash game to practice. https://www.newgrounds.com/seals/
Take all of my up votes... You sir made my day.
Honestly thought this was the most profound metaphor saying go for the underage chicks that will inevitably be there... Then I saw the rest of the thread ;_;
It's not the size of the club that matters, it's the level of hatred manifested into the swing.
Omg. I think that's as far as I can go here.
I came here for this. Have an up vote
I still can't believe nobody is taking poor OP's question seriously!
In all honesty, clubbing is a fun thing to do, just make sure you bring a friend you can trust when you start, find a place that has music that you love, and aim for the skull for efficient kills with minimal damage to the pelt.
start clubbing from the limbs so the seal can experience a more thorough clubbing experience
You need a club with a good grip so that it won't slip when you swing it wearing gloves.
It's all in the hips
They're also easier to pick up, just make sure you check their ID because a seal could easily lie and say it's 18.
Never. Check. ID.
It becomes illegal when you know they're underage.
...I don't think that's how it works.
Is your lawyer Barry Zuckercorn?
Yes, and make sure to hit them right on the head. It really seals the deal on the kill
Young seals are easier
Sounds like someone blew a seal.
Nah, it's just ice cream
Remember, remain alert! Serge the seal is out there...
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=llks4FaEtE0
Found the Canadian...
Make sure you use a club that has a strong handle. Sometimes smashing the baby seal's skull can brake even a quality club.
This thread should have had a serious tag
Club sandwiches, not seals.
Definitely came here to say this
I hate clubs. I'm definitely more of a bar guy though. Bars just have a much nicer feel to them. It helps that they have a little bit more weight to them so the seal dies right away.
God damn it
He got me so fucking good too, don't worry.
( ._.)
hey there, pal. cheer up lil guy
( x_x)
(╯°□°)╯︵ ┻━┻
Put it back.
┬─┬ノ( º _ ºノ)
( ͡ ° ͜ʖ ͡ °)
but what if /u/PharmLife needs/wants to be sad
( .-.)
Yeah.
I'm not your pal, friend.
I'm not your friend, bud.
I thought maybe he was talking about the "pee seal". ANYONE?!?
My friends and I used to joke, when we were drinking beers, that the first time you go and have to pee from throwing a couple back is called "BREAKING THE SEAL". At least we did.
And so I thought the reference was in regard to how fast one breaks this "seal" in bars where you drink BEER as opposed to CLUBS where you drink liquor. It was t until the last sentence that made me think.... "Awwwww seal brutality..."
( 'w' )
t(._.t)
Don't worry, little pharmacist. Every single incredibly clever post in here is about seals. Now you just pick yourself up, and get the me my allergy medicine because this is another case of every reddit account being a bot except you.
(._. )
(͡° ͜ʖ ͡°)
I'll get you too, but not as good as him, actually not even at all.
Don't tell me how to live my life, I'm going to get worried sick for you
If you think he got you good, just think about how the seal feels.
Are you a seal? Sorry.
How do you know what he does with the pelts after? Who told you?!
I got you, babe.
I was wondering why there was gold as I started reading. Then I got it.
I haven't got it. Can you help?
Don't tell me what to worry!!
I saw it coming, because I looked at Askreddit/new first.
Me too. Cracked my skull real good.
I'm just salty that he beat (heh) me to the obvious joke. I was going to make the same joke, just minus the bar part.
I wanna get you good too, I wanna get you down on your bottoms with the smoke starting to billow out the crisp LA air, with the AC fan blending in with the YG. I want to put lime on your salmon.
That'll be tree fiddy.
It was basically a race to see who'd get this joke off first.
Savage.
There was only ever one way this thread could have gone down.
10/10
I saw that from a mile away. I'm so glad this was the top response though.
, vargas.
God does.
God... God fucking damnit.
This gets my seal of approval
Warranty void if seal is broken
The Clubbing Community will still accept you though
No, only your pelt and delicious meat.
"The club can't handle me right now" said no seal ever.
Will seal accept you
Sir, this seal is not only broken, it's positively mangled. I must ask, did you go with the bar or the more classic club approach?
Something, something, ["Koala's in the Rain."] (https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=gNqQL-1gZF8)
Fucking Animal Crackers loophole.
you'll be barred from entry
What if the seal is dead?
About four or five shots will usually result in you breaking the seal.
What if my seal is dead?
Yeah gotta start small, then work your way up to clubbing seals.
The Presidential Seal of Ocluba
Look out for loose seal.
Get out.
http://imgur.com/tf3PwZd
The joke met the high bar of making me laugh.
I'll give you a mold friendly thumbs up.
I get that reference.
I'm with you. I prefer a bad ass heavy metal bar to some gay club.
I don't know how to tell you this, but I think what you've experienced was a gay bar.
Edited for privacy reasons and in protest of recent changes to the platform.
I bet there were a lot of manly types there too right? Like construction workers and bikers.
Yeah man, one dude just straight up sucked my cock! It was so hardcore!
no homo tho
And when you're done skinning your seals, you can use the skins as wetsuits when you go swimming in the nearby iceflow to "bond."
Choo choo
That's so metal!
CHOO CHOO
This reminds me of a bar on howell that the cops in my city used to go to after a long, hard day.... I believe it was named The Blue Oyster...??
The one with the cowbell?
if he didn't tickle your balls while he was doing it then he's totally gay
He sucked your rooster!? That is hardcore...
please leave.
It was your turn to club ? wasn't it ?
mostly dudes in good shape. one was fat, but he was able to find humor in the little things, so he was cool
There was a badass native american indian too!
Lots of hairy men too. The size of bears even
I think they're called bears.
Yeah how'd you know?
Lol reminds me of the South Park episode with the bikers.
There was even an Indian in full garb!
Well.. A vest, anyway.
Toss in a feather headdress and then we've got ourselves a party!
Yeah, and Redskins fans!
There also was a dude dressed as an Indian chieftain and they sang YMCA! Cool, right?
Don't undersell things man.
There were ton of bikers, Native Americans, Cops, and various guys with jean jackets on (evidently helmets optional). Army guys too!
I want something that says... Daddy likes leather.
Discipline Daddy!
Hell yeah, and most bad ass bikers rock those killer chaps.. Right?
Aw man, so good, these jokes are so good.
"I'm looking for something that says 'Dad likes leather'"
"Something that says... Leather Daddy?"
"Oh is there such a thing?"
Is this a movie or comedy special reference? Sounds so familiar...
Nah, just a joke.
At the gay bar gay bar gay bar WOOOO!
http://youtu.be/ulPgWVC08KI
Is a gay bar a place that sells drinks that gay people go to or, like, a dildo?
which was ironically named the Blue Oyster Club
are you telling me the man who shoved rubber fist up my anus was a... homosexual!?
I read "a bad, ass-heavy, metal bar." 10/10 would check it out.
Was the club you went to in West Hollywood?
Gay? Are you from South of the Mason Dixon line or otherwise stupid?
666 points. Metal confirmed.
Rob Halford of Judas Priest might want to have a word with you
With real metal heroes like Rob Halford and Bob Mould
I read this many times before I got it.
I don't get it...
Both clubs & bars are weapons. He prefers bars over clubs for killing seals.
Fool me once, shame on you.
The destination is so worth the trip.
I'd say I'm more of a maul guy myself.
Loose seal! Loose seal!
Where's shitty_watercolor when you need her
Sonofabitch you got me.
This guy meant to say he hates CUBS
damnt... have my upvote
Well done sir
I'm a restaurant guy you filthy casual.
The old reddit witcherswoo
On the rocks.
Thumbs up for bars. I had a work party that we hosted at the zoo. They had a new seal exhibit so it was pretty crowded. However, our section was roped off so we had an upfront look at the seals. Towards the end of the event, I threw some smoked salmon scraps from the party tray to the seals. I turn around and there was my dad and he beat the shit out of me with a rubber garden hose. I don't think I'll host any event of mine at a zoo, it is crowded and too hot!! I'll recommend a bar for next year's event.
Not jumper cables?
but a bar might eat your guests when it's hungry
I think it is the surface area. A club is often large, shorter and heavy so the blunt end spreads the force out more while your standard seal pipe or bar is hollow or even solid steel. That allows faster swings and a smaller impact area inflicting greater damage there.
If you are more accurate with a pipe, more power to ya.
I thought I finally found one real club post, but nope
Haha, i see what you did there!
i learned an entirely new sport just now after finally deciding to fucking google "clubbing and seals". Thank you
What? I...I don't get it.
Oh!
Nice
YOU ARE AN ASSHOLE hahahaha
I was thinking to myself "wow, I would really get along well with this guy"... And then he killed a seal and I knew it was true love.
What does seal mean? Fuck I'm old I guess
It's an animal.
10/10
Take your upvote and leave this place, tonight.
Holy shit, my sides.
Seal/golf clap.
here, take your upvote and get out.
Well I can go to bed happy now.
i literally just gave you a slow clap.
*baby seals
Gotteeeee
You've upset me, but won my upvote.
fuck
Congratulations, I just coughed/spat water all over my laptop. Take your upvote and get out of here.
http://gfycat.com/RecentShadyCrownofthornsstarfish
You son of a bitch
You sneaky son of a biyatch
Bravo.
That literally made me laugh out loud.
Got me gooooooood 👍🏼😈
Well I see where this thread is heading.
Fuck this is fucking bloody brilliant
I had to re-read that to understand wtf you were talking about
bars are pretty strong i'll admit, especially grizzly bars
i'm more of a turtle tamer myself
That was comedy genius.
I came here looking for seal-clubbing jokes and was disappointed by your comment until the end.
I can't believe that more than half of your comment karma is from this single comment.
I haven't laughed that hard in a while.
If my arms are broken, can I get my mom to club the seals for me?
I started reading this and thought to myself, of course this is the top comment on Reddit. Then I got to the end and thought, of course this is the top comment on Reddit.
I didn't get the joke at all. I thought you meant they have more weight as in alcohol and "the seal dies right away" meant the awkwardness (awkward seal) goes away.
well played sir
Came in for a baby seal joke, left content.
Hakapik is the way to go. Like a pickaroon for bashing baby seals.
I still read that in the context of "seal the deal."
This is you're reddit peak, bro! Enjoy.
Wow, congrats on this post. Perhaps you should pick up this massive post, and slam it on an unsuspecting sea dog.
FUCK you got me good. Eat my fucking gold seal of approval.
For extra points, I like to use my 1st kill as a club to club my 2nd kill. Unfortunately as I have aged I find it wearisome flailing around with a baby seal as a club. I now keep my last baby seal in the freezer to use as a frozen club to open my next season. It works a lot better.
I prefer a good pair of jumper cables
Saw that one coming a mile away.
Clubs are definitely less humane.
a seal walks into a club.
Daaaad!
Lemme guess the bar weighed tree-fiddy?
Great /r/Unexpected material for those who haven't seen this.
Maybe you just haven't found the right club? Oak and Hickory are classics, but I'm more of an Ash man myself.
I can't help but read all of these replies in Dwight Shrute's voice.
Canada approves
Ahh, the good old Reddit switcharoo
Hold my Greenpeace membership card, I'm going.....apparently nowhere.
This should be higher up
Seriously though, wouldn't clubs be heavier ?
Well, I'd club a baby seal, But you know I won't ingest it. I'd tell my vegan girlfriend "You know I wouldn't suggest it" All my shoes are leather And I don't care whether or not All the cute little animals were to be shot!
Most bars nowadays play loud music, are dark, and have a dance floor. I don't think there is much of a difference between them and clubs.
i don't get it
sigh upvote
Stated like a proud member of the Seal Cub Clubbing Club.
Well played
came here for this :) happy now.
Motherfucker.
This spooked more than you will ever know.
as a non-english speaker I had to read this a couple of times. And then I cracked my ass laughing, Sir.
such a funny original reply, glad it's so heavily upvoted
Club like nobody's watching
Horksbane works the best.
Was not disappointed!
Fuuuuuuuu,!!!
So....club advice... if you're a baby seal ... dont walk into a club. Or as the original joke goes; a baby seal walks into a club (que drum roll and awkward silence)
Kudos to all of the great seal posts, but let's be real for a minute. I personally like to go on yelp and find a club that appears to be exclusive but not overly so. Look for one that is pricey enough that the riff raff stays away, but not so pricey that you're in line all night. Lines, by the way, can get crazy if you show up after ten, so pregame and head over around 9:30 or so.
Something else to think about is being friendly with the doorman. Everyone thinks this means tipping heavily, but just shooting the breeze can be enough to get you some perks. A good doorman rewards nice, friendly dudes by letting them in just as some nice females are entering, giving you a chance to strike up conversations. Like anything in life, your milage may very but this has worked for me. So just got for it, have a good time, and live it up man!
OH one more thing, read the first letter of each sentence for another insider tip
KILLSEALSO
Gold star for following directions.
It's a combined word. "KILLS SEALS ALSO".
He included the last sentence where he said 'OH' ...
I hope you are kappa pls be kappa
K I'll se also? What does that even mean!?!?
Mobile users thank you
Not too bright, are ya son?
Don't be too hard on 74 rodents on a ~~keyboard~~ touchscreen, please.
First letter of each sentence, not the first letter of every line. Mobile has nothing to do with it.
Nnnailed iiiit!
Thanks. Saved me some unnecessary trouble, and time.
I thought you said "of each line" as I was skimming through and was like "what does KAPASSTYO have to do with melee?"
Yessss me too.
I googled KAPASSTYO.
Motherfucker.
I even looked ahead to make sure and somehow the last sentence slipped my eyes.
I was just scanning for "seal" or "whack." This guy is good.
Kudos to all of the great seal posts, but let's be real for a minute.
I personally like to go on yelp and find a club that appears to be exclusive but not overly so.
Look for one that is pricey enough that the riff raff stays away, but not so pricey that you're in line all night.
Lines, by the way, can get crazy if you show up after ten, so pregame and head over around 9:30 or so.
Something else to think about is being friendly with the doorman.
Everyone thinks this means tipping heavily, but just shooting the breeze can be enough to get you some perks.
A good doorman rewards nice, friendly dudes by letting them in just as some nice females are entering, giving you a chance to strike up conversations.
Like anything in life, your milage may very but this has worked for me.
So just got for it, have a good time, and live it up man!
Super meta. Props for being the one seal post that got by me until the very end.
You deserve Internet points
This is a little buried unfortunately, but excellent work
[deleted]
Sentence, not line.
So just got for it, have a good time, and read the first letter of each sentence.
End it like that and it'll read properly.
Legit answer imbedded with a non legit answer. Very nice.
Take the up vote already.
At least you put some real answer in and were clever about it.
This is the first real-ish response I've seen.
As somebody who would never go either type of clubbing this post is the one
This is strange. Nobody goes to the club before 12-1 here where i live.
Oh snap.
Kmaipgosdjplgafmof??? I don't get it.
Edit: Oh, each sentence. Too much work.
That was hard being drunk man...
/thread.
Genius. For those who aren't getting it, read the first letter of every sentence.
You must ensure you have the proper licensing before heading out on the ice.
Do you actually have to have licenses? Asking for a friend
Depends on the area, but usually. For example:
Keep your eye on the prize. Don't be nervous. With the right aim you could walk away after a couple good swings.
You want to show up with a good quality club. Otherwise it might break and then you are stuck with a bunch of baby seals. I personally like the SealBasher5000. if you want some other opinions, check out /r/BuyItForLife
Keep an eye on your drinks. Too much tranquilizer and the seals might react adversely.
Lazy clubber here
This shit derailed.
It was never railed in the first place.
Looks like it stayed right on topic to me...
Rails are too heavy and you cannot get a good swing, you need a wooden club or aluminum bat.
What needs railing?
Well if you derail a train to help it club a GIANT seal
unlike OP's mom
What rails? I didnt even know there was a station?
What you talking about? My experience in seals have improved greatly!
When I go clubbing I make sure I have some great friends around and sometimes we pre-game, drink, before the actual clubbing.
Nothing is better than clubbing while being under the influence, listening to some great music, and being able to club a good seal.
Fuck, I almost believed you.
Perfect.
Its all in the wrist
[removed]
HAVE YOU. EVER. HAD. TWO. BITCHES. IN YOUR. CAR.
Swish and flick the blood away.
wear camo. if you're on the ice, wear white, on the rocks, wear gray / brown. they're friendly little fuckers anyway, but if you sneak up on them you can get them from behind.
Finally, a real answer about nightclubs.
Finally, a real answer that's not about seals
I didn't see a lot of serious responses so I'll try my best to give you some good advice here. For some perspective I was a club promoter back in college down here in South Florida. I worked in Miami, Ft Lauderdale, and the Palm Beach area. I partied 5 nights out of the week at the height of my ridiculousness (Tuesday - Saturday). Some simple things to keep in mind are:
#1. The Bouncer is your best friend - You can avoid payin to get into most bars and clubs if you get in good with the bouner. Most of the time people think that they need to grease the guys palm with money to get special treatment. What I've found out is that most of the time if you causally strike up a conversation with them and get them to remember your face they are willing to let you in with no problem. I stopped promoting years ago and when I go out nowadays, which isn't often, I usually pay the 1st couple of times at a new place but after a couple visits the bouncers, managers, owner get to know me and I walk in like royalty.
#2. Bartenders are people too - Bartenders have the responsibility of dealing with drunk, demanding, assholes who are constantly flirting with them, being rude, aggressive, and not tipping. Don't be that guy. Talk to the bartender like a human bein, say please and thank you and they will remember you next time and take care of you. Nothing feels better than having your favorite bartender remember your name, your favorite drink, and taking your order ahead of everyone else's.
#3. Pregame before you get there - Drinks in nightclubs are ridiculously expensive. Depending on where you are and how upscale the place is you can wind up spending a shit ton of money very quickly. I like to tell the story of a party I went to in Miami during Ultra Fest years ago. We were at a rooftop party and it was my turn to buy a round. I ordered 3 Black and Cokes (Johnny Walker Black) that round alone was $97. I don't say that to brag, that price is fucking insane. Be mindful of how much you really want to spend, an easy way to not over spend is to get together with your friends and have a few before you leave.
The next one should be obvious...
#4. Don't Drink and Drive!!! - Seriously...don't do it. Call a cab, have a Designated Driver. A DUI is not worth it. If you do wind up driving to the Club and you get drunk and you don't have anyone to drive you home, call Roadside Assistance and tell them your car broke down and you need to be towed home. Most cell phone plans will allow you to add on a roadside assistance option to your account for like $2 per month. Totally worth it.
#5. Get to know the DJ - This comes in very handy if you can pull it off. DJ's usually work at 1 club or at many different clubs and bars. They usually have a following and because of that they are expected to bring a crowd with them when perform. If you get in good with the DJ you can go to the clubs that they go to and usually get in free. I used to club with my cousin and we would follow a DJ around who would let us into the clubs for free if we helped him set up his DJ equipment. 30 mins of work would get us in the club, the DJ booth, VIP, and on the DJ's Tab...worth it? You be the judge
#6. Get there early - People think that its cool to get to the club when its packed which is usually around midnight, WRONG! It depends on how long the venue is open and how late you plan on staying. Down here places close down around 2am, in Ft Lauderdale its 4am, Miami even later. I usually get there around 10. That gives you time to do the things I talked about before. You can speak with the bouncer, manager, owner, bartenders, DJ because it's not as busy. If you roll up at the peak of the madness you'll just be another person in the crowd.
#7. Be wary of Bottle Service - Everyone wants to be in VIP and they pay out the ass for the privilege. Most clubs that offer Bottle Service as an incentive to get into VIP are playing on your vanity, ego. You want to be a VIP so they will mark up the prices to give you the honor. Typically to get into VIP you have to buy Bottle Service. Some clubs have a Bottle minimum meaning you have to buy two bottles to be in VIP. Bottles prices can range from $150 - YOU DON'T WANT TO KNOW! Also, there is usually a limit of 4 people to a bottle. Meaning if you have a party of 10 people who want to get bottle service you have to buy 3 bottles. Keep in mind that you have to tip, so lets say that the bottles are $200 each, that $600 + tip at %20 = $720! Shit just got real...
#8. Know who your friends are, especially when the bill comes - make sure that everyone knows how the bill is going to be split up. Nothing worse than being stuck with a huge bill and being forced to pay for it yourself.
#9. Brings girls with you to the club - Club owners and managers like to maintain a certain ratio when it comes to men and women in the club. We're all familiar with the term sausage fest right ? If you and 3 of you guy friends wan to go clubbing you will wind up waiting in line for a long time because you are upsetting the balance in the club. For every 1 guy in your party try to have 2 girls. This will make it easier for you to get in...but herein lies a problem that I want to warn you about. For the most part guys usually wind up paying for things in night clubs. I'm not saying women don't pay, but lets face it we've all heard of ladies night where ladies drink free, I've never heard of guys night. If you have a large party you're usually going to have a lot of girls, if you're buying bottles that means that there are less people to split that check with. Again, know who your friends are and also try to go out with girls who are down to chip in.
#10. Have fun - Clubbing can be incredibly fun when you first start going out. You can get lost in the music, the atmosphere and really feel like you're on cloud 9. Enjoy it with good people, take pictures and relish it because like a drug, you'll always be chasing that 1st high. That being said, don't get lost in it. Remember that everything in there is an illusion, a fantasy. I've seen too many people fall victim to the nightlife and lose perspective on things. It's easy to be the man in the club, don't let that define you though. Also, be safe. You will get laid by going to the club. It will happen. It's dark, people are drinking, people are dancing provocatively...all the ingredients for bad decisions. Use protection. Wrap it up. Don't go down on her, no matter what she says. You don't know her! Ew.
I hope this helps
If you wanna go off topic make your own thread.
Some people....
Hey, thanks for giving a real answer, that was actually pretty informative. I was still thinking there was some hidden seal joke all the way up until the end though
you're welcome. I thought about throwing a joke in there but it's been done to death so I left it out.
[deleted]
:)
I seal what you did there.
I thought for sure this was going to swerve into a seal asking for 'bout tree-fiddy.
I'm glad he realizes there's no need to club a dead seal.
I read that whole thing waiting for a seal joke.
Hopefully you weren't disappointed at the end because I took my best swing at it
Ahhhhh oh you
:)
Finally! Thank you, good sir or ma'am. I, and soon others, will now be able to leave this thread completely satisfied.
You're welcome! Enjoy yourself
apologies for the numbering being all FUBAR'd. I numbered it 1-10 but it got messed up after I submitted it, and when I try to edit it shows that its numbered correctly...I have no idea why that's happening
Reddit's numbering is screwed up, use: \#1. to number correctly.
aha, I didn't know that. thanks!
No problem, thanks for being serious :)
[deleted]
Be the change you want to see in the world
Ask yourself why you're going clubbing. Are you going to pick up or for the music? Different clubs are good for different things. There's a big difference between going to a music-focused club and going to a meat market.
You deserve more upvotes
Thanks
That's too much. All you need to do is be nice to people (that takes care of pissing off bouncers and getting into fights), don't drink too much too quickly, if you like talking then find people to talk to, if you like the music then go where the music is loud, and just try to be comfortable and make your own fun, spend time with some people you think are cool, dance with some people you think are hot, enjoy yourself while being considerate of others and you don't need to worry about much else other than drugs.
I agree that being nice helps, but being nice is just the start. I wanted the OP to have as much info as possible and avoid a few things that can really ruin the fun.
OP has managed to reach the front page of Reddit. If you think he is ever leaving his house again, you are crazy.
Dude, seriously, this was such a great post buried under hundreds of shitty seal jokes. I have never been big on the club scene, as I kind of like to be able to hold a conversation with people when I go out. However, your synopsis here has inspired me to give the club scene another go. For science, (and a good time!) of course.
Unfortunately, I don't live near Miami, but I am less than an hour drive from Chicago. I will have to get some friends together and make a night of it soon. Thanks again for your contribution.
You're welcome! Anything for Science I always say! I've never partied in Chicago but I've been out in different parts of the country and it's usually a fairly similar experience. The most important thing is to have fun, that's why you're out in the first place!
Also. Kill seals.
I skimmed this whole comment waiting for the twist. Was surprised not to find any.
Yeah I figured all the jokes that can be made have already been made so why beat a dead seal. Besides, OP deserved a good response and I have a bunch of info about clubs that finally was relevant to a conversation
Didn't even mention seals, thanks for nothing.
Upvoting the only serious answer just because they gave a fuck
Thanks!
Dude holy shit. This comment rocks. I came here expecting some schooling on clubs, which I know very little about because I prefer bars from divey to decent. Not for chicks but just to hang out in (in a committed relationship). But I got nothing but hilarious seal jokes for the first dozen comments and then got very tired of them and wanted the actual question to be answered. You did that. Thanks for the info man, for real.
No problem man. I'm happy that all that information finally became useful. I watched a lot of people, including myself, make some of these errors so I'm happy I could share some of this with you guys especially if it helps
I am kind of proud that I had to scroll this far down for a answer that didn't have anything to do with seals...I love Reddit.
What! A serious answer? You need to go up man ;)
(I did though Rees the bottom first to see if it was worth it... No seal no deal. Tl;Dr, but I think others might want this ;)
Thanks man
"grease the palms"
Finally, THANK YOU!
You're welcome!
[deleted]
Fuck you
I'll just watch.
Practice on baby seals first.
Don't look the seal in the eyes, you might start to feel remorse. Also, aim for the back of the head, right above the spinal column.
Wear gloves because there is a good chance it will be in a cold location, and you don't want to get frost bite.
Try to avoid hyper-extension in the elbow my keeping a firm grip and keeping a fluid motion
Also works for fapping.
FIRMLY GRASP IT
First off the most important thing is how you dress, and assuming you're going to the most popular place to go clubbing (Canada) you want to dress warm for when you're about to club the life out of a baby seal. You sick bastard.
Jeez people just can't resist making a big joke out of this...such a lack of maturity. I guess I'll be the one to be actually helpful; my advice is to bring a mace. They're very powerful, good for defense, and will incapacitate any seals you encounter. Maces are much better than clubs, not sure why you wouldn't go with a mace given the option.
Wtf dude, do you want your pelt to be worthless? That mace is going to put holes in it!
I don't club for pelts I do it for xp.
But what if you don't want the pelt? What if you're in it for the thrills? Maces are a pretty good option then. Even better would be pitchforks.
clubs are cheaper, said he was a noob.
but you're right. gotta look at it like an investment. do i want to spend money on some crap only to replace it later? just get quality from the start (I mean don't go nuts on some high end thing with all the bells and whistles(do you really need titanium or carbon fiber shafts, ect) but you want something decent at least.)
Well yeah bells and whistles attract too much attention. When clubbing you don't have to peacock so much, the trick is in a casual approach.
You might wanna bring a set of earplugs... the beats will be pretty hard and the females tend to scream a lot.
Also, if anyone offers you rolls, you take them. Nothing better than warm buttered rolls after a long day of seal clubbing on the tundra.
Never buy drugs from people you don't know as you never know what they are for sure, so they might not be effective enough at tranquilzing the seal.
It's all about balance. Check that your club is heavier in the end that you hit the seals with.
I think most of the seal clubbing jokes have been done, I'll give you a serious answer.
I'm a nightclub manager as to why you should take any of my advice seriously.
1) Bring cash, unless you plan on running a semi sizable tab or aren't going to be buying drinks when it's busy. I can serve 4-5 cash patrons in the time it takes me to run a credit or debit card, and if it's busy I'll usually just point you towards the nearest ATM which will have a $3+ charge to withdraw your money.
2) The establishments security are the boss. If they ask you to leave do so peacefully and quickly, and if you have questions ask them outside where there's less loud music and more time to talk. They're there for your safety, but they also have several hundred people to worry about and don't have a whole lot of time to talk inside.
3) Being grabby on strangers isn't cool and won't get you any positive attention. At best it'll get you a disgusted look, at worst it'll get you introduced to the nearest security guard and the exit. If you see an attractive person, buy them a drink. If they're feeling chatty they'll chat, if they aren't accept the rebuff gracefully, there's a lot more out there trust me.
4)When ordering drinks have your cash ready when it's time to pay and try to have your order ready when the bartender comes to your turn. I remember people who are ready and quick as much or better than most good tips. It's a volume business.
5)Asking about drink specials and availability is fine, but have a couple standards in mind that you like. Pretty much every bar will serve a vodka cran or a rum and coke or whiskey ginger. They might not have the fancy drink you want but rather than rolling your eyes order what's available. You'll enjoy yourself more.
Sorry about formatting, I'm on mobile. If you have specific questions feel free to inbox me.
When I'm somewhere super loud, I'll type my order on my phone and just show it to them. Something like:
VODKA CRAN
LAST NAME SMITH (if I have a tab)
Is that annoying or helpful? No one has ever seemed bothered by it. I figure it's better than shouting and risking getting the wrong thing.
That wouldn't be annoying, and would be quite helpful if you have a quiet voice. I can assure you that after 13 years of loud music my hearing isn't great so I'd say keep doing what you're doing.
holy shit i had to scroll all the way down here for the first proper answer
FYI, if you want to nicely format a numbered list, then start each item of it with "#." eg:
Thanks, I'll reformat when I get a moment, good to know.
Choose wood for your club carefully. Forget birch or ash: for proper clubbing you'll want an oak or, best of all, rock maple club.
Clubs with spikes or nails look intimidating, but you'll likely end up harming yourself. The same goes for dual wielding: you'll look cool with clubs in both hands, but it won't help much with actual clubbing.
Pay attention to the club's grip: bare wood gets slippery fast. Buy some good grip wrap. Lizard Skins are pretty good.
Have a nice clubbing!
wood makes the best club, but steel pipe will suffice. Baby seals are your primary target. Lions and other endangered animals, especially famous ones, are bonus points.
Test the heft of the weapon and practice swing. You will find that some of them are out of balance or don't work well with your movement.
Practice on Pillows and the progress to Rabbits to start with you need to see if you get squeamish at the sight of blood.
Once you have found the right weapon and got your arm in its fairly easy and remember to aim for the back of the head primarily.
Make sure you are wearing layers, warmth is needed as being out in the cold weather isn't nice but it also gives you some protection if they bite you before you get your shot in.
Use a good heavy club, i prefer oak.
its all about timing and momentum. once the swing has begun, stopping it or slowing it down is difficult. the clubber is committed to not just the blow, but also the recoil.
the club should be held at the ready, shoulder high. the windup should not extend past the shoulders by more than a hand's width. when swinging, lead with the elbow. as the elbow passes the height of your collarbone, extend the forearm like a whip. the extra momentum will drive the club faster and harder.
at the moment of impact, let the wrist loosen. the club will bounce and hurt a stiff wrist. allow the recoil of the blow to help drive the club back into the ready position, thereby preparing the clubber for a quicker second strike.
a common newbie mistake: don't just pick the heaviest one you can lift, remember you will need stamina to use it for any length of time. I wouldn't recommend anything over 5 lbs, 2 would be better. maybe 18-24 inches long.
If you want actual advice on going to a night club rather than the same seal joke told 500 ways, sort by controversial.
PRAISE THE LORD -- IT DOES HAVE A LEGITIMATE USE AFTER ALL
In the big askreddit threads, I pretty much sort exclusively by controversial these days. I like the serious answers in ask reddit threads so I stay subbed to it, but my god the default subs are a fucking dumpster fire anymore.
This is going to get buried, but it's really important.
I counsel survivors of sexual assault in the ED. In all the survivors I've seen, only one was not drugged. Do NOT leave your drink unattended for ANY reason, order your drink yourself, and if you can, watch it be made.
You forgot to mention to throw out your drink if you step away to break the seal.
Thank you
[deleted]
Well... That's what I get for not specifying :P
If you really want proper replies, you can add [Serious] before the title so it automatically gets tagged as such and there isn't any joke ones.
But technically these are serious replies
If you have no societal awareness they are.
Hi! Welcome to reddit.
Well that's for the mods to decide, I guess.
Mods aren't judges. I want a trial of 12 peers for each comment removed from a [serious] thread.
A jury of 12 redditors would be a really sketch thing. Look what happened here.
Woah woah woah stop pointing fingers at such a popular past time as clubbing.
I'll rephrase, this is what happens when we get together without clubs.
Do you really want these people judging your clubbing practices? Give it a month with them as the jury and there won't be any seals left for further generations to club.
To be fair, all of these could be serious answers for the question OP wrote.
You can tell by the fact people are downvoting the proper replies that they aren't.
It's sad that you have to specify not to make puns. Shit has really changed here over the years.
Glad he didn't
It'd get one proper reply then get buried forever.
And then no one comments.
Use the serious tag, reddit is full of idiots who just want to repeat the same jokes.
On reddit there is a bunch of idiots who just repeat the same jokes by changing some words, use the serious tag
This thread has all time potential though, so cheers to that
Yo bro, as a former nightclub enthusiast, I would be happy to answer your questions seriously. What do you want to know? The gist of what you need to know is just to have fun, let loose, and dont' give a flying fuck about what people think
Just add a serious tag and have a mod delete all of the joke replies. That way when another one pops up a mod can club it like a seal.
No this is what you were looking for. I ain't mad, this shit's hilarious. But obviously a setup.
I have seen two now ;) go through again, they are bigger than most responses ;)
/r/askreddit just has to have some fun every month or so.
xDDDDDDDDD we're so RANDUM!!!
holds up club
Oh man that's strangely relevant
Please don't.
THE SEAL OF DOOOOOOOM
reddit may not have any people who go to clubs, but we do have a lot of people who think theyre clever.
I'm actually laughing at these.
Wow, look how superior you are to everyone else on this site.
'I go to clubs, and I'm more clever than you!'
[deleted]
k m8
holds up penguin
Such an original joke!!!
Certainly doesn't get posted every time "clubbing" gets mentioned. Definitely not.
Even sarcastic you're a human stain.
It's not about being random, it's exploiting the fact that the title wasn't specific.
lol
Sort by controversial for serious answers.
I find this kinda sad.
It's simple: nobody on reddit gets out.
I'm guessing you're brand new here.
I know, these guys have no technique. They're obviously not from the Great North
I'm actually a little disappointed in Reddit THIS is the current epitome of funny.
Yeah, but you hate fun.
I mean look at your username! Succumbed to reddit.
Fucking OP should have properly asked his question. I hate Reddit. I'm gonna go club some baby seals now to make myself feel better.
FTFY.
It's fucking glorious. I'm dying here of laughter at the whole thing. Reminds me of the thread asking who the most annoying character in all of film is (every answer was Jar Jar Binks with zero exception) and the one thread asking something about Spanish and got every single answer in Spanish (note: they were not speakers of the language). I love it when Reddit goes like this.
Not one person so far has answered the question improperly.
These answers seem adequate.
Almost as adequate as this Bludgeoner600 I bought off Amazon a couple weeks ago. Really puts you in the mood with the unique splatter patterns it creates.
Holy shit, was this a coordinated effort?!
Way to go you fucked up the average
Back in my days:
That's about all I can come up with in a short time
If you can't dance, stay away from the dance floor if you plan on becoming a regular, unless there's a whole bunch of other people dancing who think they can dance
What? The only way to learn is to do. Do your dance, whatever goofy ass dance you dance, it will evolve if you do enough dancing.
You'll likely never see many of the people again, so just do it.
Are you Shia LeBeouf? (however you spell his name). Different opinions then. Nothing wrong with that. You don't learn dancing in a club, you learn shaking your ass or goofing around. If that is considered dancing, then let yourself loose.
huh? this post has nothing to do with the question.
where the fuck is the seal joke. I read all that for nothing.
There, there. Fixed it for you.
[deleted]
It's not meant to be patronising, but you would also not ask your child to take the way home through the forest alone in the middle of the night. Safety in numbers. If your drink gets spiked, if you get assaulted on your way home? It's just a fact, that women are the group that is more likely to get sexually assaulted in dark alleys or get their drinks spiked. If you think that is patronising, suit yourself. Also, you had to pick out that one thing you didn't like, did you?
•If you want to save money, be a woman.
Shit.
It's not too late for that surgery.
A note on the aftershave bit, always remember: aftershave/cologne is meant to be a whisper for someone getting close/intimate with you, not a shout to the whole room. People who douse themselves in cologne or empty a whole can of axe or old spice bodyspray are likely not going to be getting any that night.
A tip for proper application: most respectable colognes will have a bottle with a screw top or stopper top -- turn the bottle upside down quickly, and then remove the top and dab it lightly once on each wrist, then rub them together, then rub them behind your ears/on your neck. Before you go out, ask a friend standing at arm's length if they can smell it on you. If they can, you've used too much.
This is perfect advice.
I find you're wrong about dancing alone. Dancing should be for your own satisfaction, it's about enjoying the music and the atmosphere.
I dance alone often, I'll even be the first on the dance floor alone. Maybe I'm decently attractive or it's where I'm from, but them ladies seem to dig the confidence to dance alone.
Hey if it works for you that's great! I just know the lone dancers that approach girls where I'm from are usually out for one thing only and have tried it on with every other girl on the dancefoor.
I get that. Dancing is just a way of expressing happiness in my opinion. And if you want to bring girls into it, me and my friends have a saying "if you're having fun, she's having fun." Not to be taken too literally, but as long as you're putting happiness out there unto the world, it will work benefits for you.
How much money have you profited going to clubs and picking up money
Upvoted for actual advice
The cash advice is spot on. As a person who always had to struggle to know my limits, bring cash and no card was beneficial. First and obvious one was that I no longer overpay my nights out. I always bring cash now, being generous with myself doing so, at least I'm sure of what I can actually spend. Second, being cash only acts a timely reminder of what I can do or not, as a "I should probably get the hell out to home now" stamp. Third, it's always cool when you go back home with cash you did not spent in your wallet. I created a saving box with all the left out money -just like kids do, and it has actual good money in it. Planning to buy something cool with it.
I used to always follow this rule. Recently I've been using my card and getting cash back. Last weekend I finished my masters and our class had two big nights out, I spent 100 euro at the bar!! All because of my card. Lesson was sorely learned.
Aftershave tip was nice. Guys dancing alone are the best. Nothing weird with a freespirit expressing its body on the collective rythm. Its actualy a protip actualy: lone dancers are mostely single, and you can get a grasp of how they would do you in bed.
As a girl it always seems the lone male dancers are the biggest creeps. Just my own experience.
As a girl, i can relate, but i suspect maybe you go to wrong club? :)
Also go with people. I have never met someone at a club. Music is too damn loud. Clubs are not for meeting peoole. Clubs are for showing women you are fun, when you are in fact not fun.... basically don't go to clubs.
As someone who has met plenty of people at clubs, you're doing it wrong. Or going to the wrong clubs.
If you don't like dancing then I suggest going to a club that has what I call a "chill room" where the music is not so loud and people can actually hear each other.
Completely agree!
If you're a guy and want female attention then don't dance alone. It's weird.
On this note, what are the best ways to start a conversation with a girl at a club/start dancing with her? I'm way too guilty of getting smashed and dancing like there's no tomorrow... alone
Hi, would you like to dance?
Sounds lame, but I guess you don't really need anything extra
On a similar note, what kind of dance are we talking about? Grinding? Something practiced? Just doing my thing?
You are putting way to much thought into it, just go with the flow of everyone around you. No one is going to be doing a waltz or anything that really takes much practice in a club.
Alright, more alcohol it is then xD helps me not think
Fuck it, dude. Have fun. Ask her if she wants to dance. If she says no, shrug and do your thing. Then ask someone else. It's totally not weird to see someone in their element. When single, I would prefer dancing with a dude I saw alone than one I saw dancing with another woman, honestly. You never know what the deal is: if she is his date/gf or she thinks she is. I have seen women get their weave ripped out for dancing with someone else's man, even when that dude was actually single and just trying to flirt with whomever.
Well, one of y'all says don't dance alone and the other says go for it - I'm guessing that translates to "Do what's natural"?
Also, what would consider appropriate dancing for the club environment? I always have a hard time figuring that out
Depends on the club, really. I recently walked into a bar that was playing 80s/90s hip hop hits and was packed to capacity (and maybe beyond, considering it was attached to another club) and all of the dancing was essentially simulated sex with clothes on and a drink in your hand. This is most dance clubs that play top 40 hits or their EDM remix versions. Fucking with clothes on. Sometimes you can spot someone gettin a handy through their pants. Fun, right? Not for me, but for many it's the best kind of club.
When I go to 80s night at my favorite spot, some people on the dance floor just kind of stand in a circle and shuffle around awkwardly while trying to talk over the music, and the rest of the people are what I call "good bad dancers" (I include myself in this one). They just let the music flow through them and flail around to the beat, while having a blast like this guy. Others will have more rhythm, but I haven't ever run into anyone at a club that I thought "Wow, they must have some sort of dance background".
I have, however, run into those people at the skate rink or at parties.
Best thing is to match what everyone else is doing, but do it with purpose and energy. The more unsure of yourself you are, the more awkward you will look. If YOU think you are awesome and aren't impeding on anyone's good time, that is the best, IMO
Ahahahaha, that guy in the video is pretty much me!
Alright, moral of all this: stop thinking
YES! The guy in the video is amazing. He does not give a fuck, he is loving what he is doing, and is having fun. Maybe a bit delusional for going on a talent show, but you don't have to be pro when you are just going out to have fun.
If people really judge you for dancing like that in a dance club, then they probably have some issues with their own self worth, and at that point... fuck their opinion.
The most important thing is to recognize a rhythm and just do your own thing, head bopping, grooving, whatever you feel like doing, just be sure you're at least going along with some form of rhythm to the beat, lest you look like you're just trying too hard and not actually enjoying or listening to the music.
That much I can do, albeit in my white boy way (though I've apparently outtwerked some girls before)
Usually at the bar. I'm from Ireland so we have amazing smoking rooms because of the ban. A lot of people go out there to chat because the music isn't as loud. Even non smokers, and it's a great place to strike up conversations. In my own experience, you can meet guys on the dancefloor but it's nice to move to a seating area to talk too, then maybe get a drink together etc. See where I'm from girls travel around in groups on nights out so it's very very hard for a lone guy to break in to that. That's why you need wingmen!
If you have to sneak booze at the bar and have to scrounge around for floor scores, you really shouldn't be going out to a club.
I did this when I was 18 and just started going to clubs. Now I'm 24 and not a student anymore so don't have to.
I stand by my statement.
I went seal poaching once, all was going well i had collected many pelts of various qualities and species I collected around 10 before the sky started to darken i made a hasty return to my homet upon arrival i showed my mother my days earnings then my mom got scared And said, “You’re movin’ with your auntie and uncle in Bel-Air.” I whistled for a cab and when it came near The license plate said fresh and it had dice in the mirror If anything I could say that this cab was rare But I thought, “Nah, forget it. Yo home to Bel-Air!” I pulled up to the house about 7 or 8 And I yelled to the cabby yo holmes smell ya later Looked at my kingdom I was finally there To sit on my throne as the prince of Bel-Air.
Baseball bats work well.
On a really busy night at a nightclub or bar, as you stand at the bar to order drinks look down at the ground directly in front of the bar. If it's crowded enough no one else will notice that some jabroni has dropped a twenty dollar bill as they pulled a wad of bills out of their pocket to pay.
Don't buy drugs from strangers at clubs. If you choose to involve drugs such as MDMA in your club experience, buy a test kit and always always test before you ingest.
This is great advice and the fact that you're being downvoted ticks me off. People do drugs. Everyone needs to accept that. The best thing that can be done about it is to make sure everyone's doing it safely. A friend of mine bought some for a night out and wasn't told it was cut with meth. Cue a night of high & drunken paranoia.
He's being downvoted because the consensus is that this is about clubbing seals, and we don't need druggies out on the floes.
This stigma really needs to end. Recreational drug users are people too, and if anything, dropping some mild downers will only help keep your clubbing arm steady.
Taking amphetamine and alcohol is actually pretty fun. People don't just automatically become paranoid because they took meth. That is possible side effect from doing it all of the time. Maybe your friend is just somewhat paranoid already.
She was, and that was the problem. We went to high school with her dealer and he knew all about it. Ass.
That said, most drugs are fun! Except fucking salvia. If I wanted two minutes to stretch into six days, I'd drop acid at the DMV.
Taking amphetamine and alcohol is actually pretty fun.
It's the polar opposite of fun when the hangover starts.
Also never do speed with acid. Worst drug experience of my life. The speed makes you want to focus, and the acid makes you incapable of focusing.
its usually cut with meth or heroin. i rarely get it pure
I haven't had anything but pure. Whenever my friend got a new batch in stock that he'd partied with, himself, he'd text me. Damn that dude was great. I miss being 19.
I remember the first time I tried pure. within fifteen minutes i was as high as I usually am when I peaked. Then the peak came at 30 min. me and my friends felt we could communicate telepathically. Really spiritual and psychedelic.
Seriously if you go to club without drugs I don't know what you are doing with your life.
Exception is sound system parties. There you need to bring ear plugs. And probably a bit of weed.
Also do your best to like edm before rolling otherwise u noob
I know everyone is having fun with the baby seals jokes ... but this answer shouldn't get down voted. It's damn good info!
Holy shit. A post that isn't about clubbing seals
Don't take drugs before you club...it could affect your aim and effectiveness in killing the seals.
[deleted]
A handy site is pill report. Not 100% sure what it's like overseas but is helpful here in Australia.
So do you take the test kit into the club and test the mdma there? Wouldnt you get caught?
Or get a computer science degree and learn how to order from dark web
This is terrible advise, never ingest MDMA while clubbing, there is nothing more awkward than dry humping a dead seal. 1/10 would not recommend.
go with a group and get drunk together
The hardest part is seeing all the blood and guts come out of something that was so helpless and cute. But just remember, its all for sport. Those furs are going to look great on your wife's shoulders.
Swing for the face
Keep it a secret. No one likes seal killers.
I'm Canadian, so I'm not sure how different it is in other countries. I haven't been clubbing in like ten years, but apparently these days it's all about the drop.
Ten years ago it was all about the wind up. Either way, I think it's a good idea to practice good technique lest you pull a muscle, and then it's another season before you can score some sweet pelts.
Go home when you feel like it. Most nights its a sign that the fun is over.
Follow through with your swing and aim for the back of the baby seal's head. Wooden clubs work better than aluminum.
Also, clubbing is awful. Go to a nice bar or pub instead.
The baby seals are easier targets.
Also, warm up first. You don't want to strain yourself.
Canadian here.
Remember, the main porpoise of clubbing isn't just to seal the deal. It's a great time to hang out with friends. Standing around in a circle, having a few drinks, it's alot of fun. You don't have to take a swing at everything that floats by. Relax, wait for the right babe, and then put everything you've got into it. You've gotta be forceful if you want to bring something home.
Hope this helps.
Make sure you have the biggest stick.
If you're new, start with bars and avoid the clubs. The added rigidity makes for a quicker kill.
Club Penguin really doesn't like profanity.
grow up and stop going to clubs?
Don't aim to get wasted to boost your confidence. It doesn't help out at all in the end, and you want to have a nice clean hit so that the pelt isn't ruined.
Tl;dr no redditor has ever been outside or social before
At least no redditors who think seal clubbing puns are original and clever. You'd think someone who hasn't left their computer chair in a decade would know that this joke hasn't been funny since 2010.
Though they all seem to be from the far north. Didn't know they got reception in the Arctic Circle
Yeah, we have a special low-temperature Internet connection rigged up here at the Seal Club.
Get yourself some cocaine
You got to hit the baby seals real hard. They are stronger then you think.
This is the greatest thread ever
sometimes I forget why I like reddit... not today
Find the guy with huge pupils chewing his face off
He didn't mean nightclubs..
What? What did he mean?
He actually DID mean nightclubs but the crowd took it the other way.
Sorry I just posted and left, didn't read any comments so that went right over my head haha OP learns the importance of a serious tag
Haha he sure did. Actually did repost with a serious tag.
Clubbing. With a club.
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I was almost positive you would've had some subtle wording and a seal related punchline at the end.
Yeah, I can't believe i wasted 45 seconds of my life scanning over that shitty post. :(
Technically it was probably the best post.
No.
Yes.
No.
Yes.
Because all the thread needs is yet another seal joke, right?
that was a great post. fuck you
Ditto. Probably some tree hugging seal apologist
Yeah, sounds like clubbing seals is a less depressing way to spend an evening. If you're going to do mating rituals without any desire to actually mate, seems it would make more sense to do it to lure in seals and actually make some money instead of spending it. Not to mention more entertaining and intellectually stimulating.
Its also probably a good idea to go with at least one other person (particularly if you are female). They can keep an eye on you, and you can keep an eye on them. It can also make a club a little less intimidating than going alone.
I was going to say "If you go clubbing alone, the baby seals can gang up on you". But in all seriousness, don't go clubbing alone. Unless you basically own or know everyone in the club and no is going to mess with you.
Lol at going to a club alone. And even more lol at "keeping an eye on eachother" if you're guys...spoken like someone who had never gone to a club
TIL people still use the term "punani"
I'm pretty sure people who say they get "punani" and casually mention they carry Magnum XL condoms don't get any.
I thought only Ali G used that term...
The top reply, sure it was kinda funny. The 2nd top had a bit of misdirection and was also mildly amusing. Then I read the 3rd one. Same joke. Then the 4th, then the 5th, on down to the 35th top rated post before yours came up.
Are you fucking serious Reddit? Leave some material for /r/circlejerk, jesus.
I'll add you don't need to be 'good' at dancing, just enough so you don't look awkward on the dance floor, but anyway if you're with a group of friends having a laugh you won't stand out.
To expand on some of your suggestions.
If you really aren't having a good time, don't stick around just because you paid cover or waited in a line. Sometimes the national association of basic b*tches/TAPOUT superfans is having a convention at the hotel next door and its just not your scene that night.
There is no shame in calling ahead about the dress code, especially if you made new freinds over the course of the night who might not be up to snuff.
Think you and your posse are hot shit and could skip the line, but don't want to be humiliated if they say no? Walk to the front, ask the bouncer/doorman how late they are open or some other easy question, very briefly converse with your group, and ask if the line starts where it obviously does. If he says yes, walk to the back of line like erry body else.
Respect the bouncer and be cooperative if they decide you need to leave. If you are polite and understanding they might track down your friends and tell them you are outside if you ask nicely.
Oh whoops! I dropped my monster condom that I use for my magnum dong!
It sucks that some good advice is being downvoted, I hate all the 'jokes' on Ask Reddit. Every thread should be [serious] unless it's asking for your favourite joke etc.
Surely brigading downvotes, which is clearly happening here, is against Subreddit rules? If people want to post shitty jokes let them, but don't downvote the good replies.
Every thread should be [serious] unless it's asking for your favourite joke etc.
God. Damn. Right, I'm seriously so sick of these joke replies in every fucking thread. Like is it a big deal? Of course not. But is this shit still super irritating, hell yes.
I'm in here like "I don't go clubbing but I might wanna try it" and suddenly it's just the same joke several hundred times.
Same here. I'm rather new to the scene as well and I was looking forward to reading some anecdotal tips but nope.
See, I like a few good jokes but I hate when the thread is ruined by a fucking circle jerk. Mods really need to prevent stuff like this from happening again.
I asked about it over on /r/IdeasForAskreddit and the response was they don't like forced joke threads but they usually don't try to get involved with moderating any threads not marked [serious].
In my opinion they should swap it round and have every thread serious but with the option of for the OP to turn it off so these type of shit circlejerky joke threads can happen for people that enjoy them.
My guess is that the brigading is greater than it would be if the post you are commenting on didn't include a pissed off tone. If someone posted actual advice it would probably catch a few downvotes from jokesters. However, the downvoting is likely to be exacerbated by people who read a post that starts off "i'm sick of..." and can't help themselves at poking the person that - in the downvoter's view- is waaay too serious for something this trivial.
I know this thread is just meant to be a laugh but I can see why they'd be annoyed. Too many threads get taken over just due to the lack of a serious tag.
...that's not what brigading is.
Yeah I was looking for a better word but I don't think it's too much of a stretch. What's your definition? I always viewed it as coming together to downvote a comment you disagree with and encouraging others to do so. Obviously there's been no official 'I hate those comments lets downvote them group' comment but it was clearly happening it's not like the downvoted repsonses were bad advice or incorrect they were simply downvoted so more people would think the whole thread was bad seal jokes.
The way that brigading is used by most people is for when one subreddit posts links to another with an implicit message to down/up vote the linked comment. Think srs, bestof, stuff like that.
I can see your point in calling this brigading, but the main difference is that there is no organization or concerted effort in any way. While I get that these comments would be annoying for someone actually looking for clubbing tips on reddit (lol), I have a hard time saying that individuals coming to separate conclusions over what to vote on is a bad thing on reddit.
Also, let us appreciate for a moment, that this thread would have gotten like three responses and been burried in an hour if it hadnt been for the seal responses. And that it's very easy to find the actual tips, just sort by controversial, that's how I found this post.
Should I go clubbing if I have burn scars across my shoulders and 80% of my face?
Yes, obviously you should go clubbing, but I would probably wear a mask.
Burn scars are typically pretty shiny, this might prematurely alert the seals of your presence.
Hanako?
I had to sort by controversial in order to find this. I swear this website angers me more than my actual life sometimes.
This thread actually reminds me how much I hate Reddit most of the time.
Its cheaper to buy a box of XL MAGNUM condoms everyday
This is true. BUT DO NOT BUY THOSE IF YOU'RE NOT BIG ENOUGH FOR THEM.
There's no shame in not being able to fill out a giant condom. Buy what fits your dick and fuck like a champion regardless if you're big, average or small.
But if you buy a condom that's too big for your dick it will just fall off or your semen can squeeze out of it, drastically reducing it's effectiveness.
Also never double wrap your dick. That creates friction between rubber and the condom will rip and be useless.
Seems to me that if you spend that much time at the club, you'd be a little better at having a good time.
Thank you so much! You may find it humorous that I was looking for an answer and found you by checking controversial and you were at the top. Sorry buddy, I did what I could.
I had to sort by controversial to find the best answer in this thread. Fuck this shit
Your username seems pretty relevant in this thread - thanks for actually answering the question :)
Who's fault is it really? OP didn't use a serious tag.
Secondly, no one gives a fucking shit about this advice. If they did, there wouldn't be 50 jokes before a serious reply.
It isn't hard to slick your hair or spike it, put on a pastel American eagle shirt and act like a douche bag.
So wait, you're supposed to take yourself that seriously too?
So that's what you call "clubbing".
You're doing gods work man.
But what if it breaks? Or if I catch something? Or I get blood on myself? Or if it's my first time and I start crying? Or if PETA is there trying to stop me? I feel like you were hardly helpful with your advice. Please stay on topic when replying.
Wrap it in latex, or she'll be getting your paychecks
I dont' think it's circlejerk. The original ones are getting upvoted.
All good advice, but I would add from my own experience back in the day that dancing badly with heaps of enthusiasm and a sense of humor actually works just as well as being a great dancer
What's this got to do with killing seals bro?
SHITPOST
When do I hit the seal?
When your comment reaches the negatives feel free to club yourself.
Is -2 low enough?
Man I wish I had read this before my 21st birthday. Instead I just stayed home because I was so intimidated by the whole scene. Probably didn't help that I watched a Paul McCartney interview first. He scared me off clubbing baby seals to death until recently, when I realized how much of a weiner I was being.
For the love of God, don't bring your children. The last thing I want while half-way through clubbing a seal is for some brat to complain that he's "bored."
rule #1 of clubbing: Never be sober enough to realize how shitty it is.
Load up on seal jokes you can then tell everyone at the club. This thread is a good place to start.
With the jokes in this thread, you'll be killin' em, I guarantee it.
I suggest going with friends the more the merrier. Also its easier to corner the seals.
Wear something REAL tight.
Then rip that shit off.
You're here to take a life, not attend some hollister dance party.
Fuck yea, those seal never knew what hit them.
Make sure to dress nicely. Bouncers are usually pretty picky about what you wear, especially shoes for whatever reason. No sneakers or flip flops or cowboy boots.
If you're a guy, do NOT just come up behind a girl and start grinding before introducing yourself or at least letting her look at your face.
Me and my girlfriends generally like it when guys come up to dance with us, since we're there to have fun and dance and meet people, but it's very off-putting when someone you don't know starts humping you from behind.
I mean obviously you can't expect to have a long conversation with someone in a club, but even a smile and an introduction can make girls muuuuch friendlier to you since it shows politeness and respect.
Whether you're a girl or a guy, make sure to stay safe. Always make sure you see the bartender pour your drinks and don't leave them unattended.
Use the buddy system, regardless of whether what your genitals are. Anything can happen and knowing where your buddy is keeps both of you safe and happy.
Don't be that person who won't pick up on when somebody doesn't want to dance with you, if they keep trying to dance with another person instead of you, just accept it and move on.
Keep your hands at non-rapey areas (hips/stomach are pretty safe AND DON'T TRY TO GET UNDER CLOTHING ITS NEVER NOT CREEPY) when dancing unless they explicitly and enthusiastically express interest in you as well (disregard this if they aren't sober enough to do long division and spell 'restaurant').
The bathroom will always be beyond disgusting and going with a buddy is not only safe but smart since they can hold the inevitably broken stall door shut while you vomit/pee/defecate/etc..
Don't be afraid to talk to people, it's a super easy way to meet some really cool people, especially if you're the DD or need to take a break.
Don't bring in anything that can't be put in a pocket or shoved in a bra (if necessary, duct tape it to yourself if you have to). If it needs a purse or has to be carried, it's not worth it.
Most importantly of all, just have some fun. Clubs are places where people go to dance and be ridiculous and nobody gives a damn if you aren't a professionally trained dancer, just don't half ass do the robot in the corner and then wonder why you're the only one in the corner.
Oh look, you actually answered the question!
Question for ya: when a guy starts up a conversation with you at a club, what have been the best things they've said to get you interested? Flattery seems very shallow, as does simply talking about their night - might as well be asking about the weather
Well, it is very hard to have a real conversation in a club since it's always so f-ing loud.
Most of the time it's just going to be trivial small talk: how do you like the club, where are you from, what do you do for a living, etc.
Being clever or witty is a good icebreaker in a quieter bar/lounge, but clubs are just so loud that she's probably not going to hear almost anything you say, and having to repeat a one-liner over and over again kind of takes the humor out of it.
Usually the actual conversation happens when you go outside the club together (to Dennys obviously), or if the club has a different floor that's quieter and more lounge-y.
Ah yes, I destroy my voice almost every time I go clubbing X_X
So just small talk? Sounds boring, but I suppose it's more in the impression than what's actually being said
Yeah, it is boring. But honestly, clubs are just not the best places to pick up women with witty conversation. It's mostly going to be "Oh, you're cute and have a nice smile. Let's dance!"
Then sometimes when you talk to them outside, you're like, "Oh, hmm, you can't really string a sentence together. Bummer."
I've always had much better luck meeting guys that I like and can have actual conversations with at bars than clubs.
That's why you exchange numbers! So that you can have a more interesting chat later and perhaps go on a real date.
really need to remind myself to do that
If you're a guy, do NOT just come up behind a girl and start grinding before introducing yourself or at least letting her look at your face.
Funny double standard there. I've had girls walk up to me and just start grinding away. (Are they sneaky and fast, or just short? Cuz for some reason, I'm always looking away when this happens.)
I guess I didn't need the "if you're a guy" qualifier.
I definitely agree that no one (man or woman) should just jump all over you without so much as a how-do-you-do.
I was just going by my own experience. Didn't mean to make it some men v. women thing.
As a chick, it's never occurred to me or any of the ladies I club with to do this. That's so weird! Maybe I've witnessed it and not realized.
You probably have, but dudes just be like, "Fuck yeah, this chick jackin' me off with her ass, and I didn't even have to do nuthin'!" But I'm a weirdo who hates being touched, so I don't be like that. Ends with girls coddling their embarrassed, rejected friend while giving me dirty looks, and dudes looking at me like I'm retarded.
Nah, fuck those chicks for not approaching you like a normal human being. It's not cool to touch someone like that without consent. You're not a weirdo.
About the shoes thing: usually sneakers/trainers/tennis shoes aren't allowed because they scuff the floor, which is a huge pain in the ass for liability reasons (makes it easier to trip) and also makes the floor harder to clean.
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My dad covered a bouncer shift at friend's cub one night. A group of their mutual friends were partying together and a group of the younger girls went to the dance floor together. Some drunk guy decided to grope her and was generally harassing any pretty young thing--my dad had the pleasure of "escorting" him out. Once the dude heard someone a foot taller than him telling him to stop, he sobered right up and obeyed. Creep.
Keep the bouncers happy and you can club seals all night in comfort and safety.
Make sure you aim for the head, you want that pelt as undamaged as possible
3 rules of clubbing:
1) be attractive 2) have more money than the next guy 3) bring lots of coke
The best advice I got when clubbing is to just move to the rhythm of the music. Baby seals are blind and can only sense movement by vibration. If the speakers are pumping bass, you will be effectively invisible.
Rule 1. Be a gentleman/woman. That means no fighting, throwing shit.
Rule 2. Make sure your clubs are for your height.
Rule 3. Make sure no one is around you or down range when swinging.
Rule 4. Have fun! You might not be Tiger Woods, but that's probably good.
It helps if you pre-game. It takes the edge off for the rest of the night. Dress accordingly, you don't want to stand out in a bad way. Most importantly, be confident. If you look like you know what you're doing, people will believe you know how to properly take that poor animals life in one vicious blow.
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It's a club not a bar...maybe in smaller places where it's more like a bar with a dance floor, but otherwise you're going to struggle or it's not going to be a conversation so much as a couple of minutes of joking around while in a queue or smoking area.
Why would I go to meet people? The more people the less seals per person. Really lowers your numbers.
Depends what kind of clubbing you do. For me, it was don't care how you look when you dance. If you're having fun and loving the music then who gives a damn. Dance and enjoy yourself.
To add on to this, if you find it hard to not care about how you look, drink until you don't. That always works for me.
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Those baby seals never knew what hit them.
I believe it was the rhythm of the club
This is the rhythm of my club, My club, Ohh yeeaahhh
I'm so fucking out of the loop can someone tell me what the fuck seals have to do with this? I understand the club part, but seals?
That's literally all it is.
You haven't seen me dance.
So a baby seal walks into a club...
For maximum fun swallow everything people give you immediately and without question.
Like this?
Risky click
Horay! Actual clubbing advice. Though maybe not the best advice.
Oh no! We might have fun!
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PM'd you about those..uhh...Club moves...
I prefer re-bar with a duct tape grip
Just enjoy yourself dont get to drunk. Do not be afraid to approach girls more then likely you wont ever see them again.
depends on the location. The clubbing scene is pretty small here and we have to coordinate when we are gonna break into the zoo or take a trip to the west coast. With the road trips you are almost guaranteed to end up talking to the same girl for a while.
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Well played
Don't be a music snob. Trust me, if you constantly choose which songs you like/dislike, you're gonna have a bad time Just go to have fun and be yourself regardless of the songs playing. (Unless it's just Flo Rida on repeat)
This. Seals enjoy a wide variety of music, and you don't want to scare them away by being picky.
Make sure it's lightweight but has enough meat on it to really have some force behind the swing.
You want to find a nice, well weighted and balanced club. It depends on what you are going for - baby seals, coyotes, and warring tribal members all require different sized clubs and methods. Baby seals for instance require a lot of weight but are pretty easy to sneak up on. Coyotes are fast and viscous if they turn on you - get something easy to hit multiple times and use to defend from the jaws. People - well, depends on their level of development.
Anyway, be safe out there!
Start with a small, lonely seal.....
On your first and only time "clubbing," do not reach out to hug a girl who you recognize from school only to accidentally knock a full cup of someone's tobacco dip/spit onto the front of her shirt. It will take a few seconds for both of you to realize what happened, at which point she will start crying before she dashes off to the bathroom and you're left with nothing but your dry heaves to dance with.
Be confident.
Confidence is 99% of what matters. If you carry yourself well, no one will question your choices (or your dance moves).
Wear a helmet
Get a properly weighted club. Metal smells like shit and will stain with the blood. Wood looks even more classy.
Take drugs
Make friends with the bouncers and buy a drink for the bartender. Show them that you're friendly. Help them relax a bit at work and escape the stress of all of the assholes there and you'll get hooked up
ITT: no one on reddit goes to clubs
It's best you go hopped on something. Such as alcohol, or whatever else you may use recreationally. Just don't overdo it, especially with the alcohol, because it can lead to possible later on frequent black outs, and ending up in strange places. (Once the alcohol is in my system, is only when I start dancing amazing, because nowone is judging and confidence increases). Also, be prepared to deal with occassional slobs, who may try to hit on you, and somtimes be aggressive in their advances. Try to stay away from people, who you can noticably tell are angry, as it may stir problems. Don't expect to find many dating worthy people, at the club so often. Many people think, that clubs are the best place to meet new guys/girls for dating. It is more convenient in the sense if you are looking for a hook up/one night stand. But occassionally you will find someone, who you might keep around in your life for awhile. Keep your personal belongings close to you, and be ready to feel comfortable around a lot of people all around you. Stay close with your friends, (if didn't come alone), and try to be aware of what you say and your actions. Most of all, just go to the club to expect a good time by yourself, or better with friends. I have the time of my life, when I go to the club, because the loud amazing music, lights, and the atmosphere, is something I thrive on.
Just drank half a bottle of evan williams. Not drunk enough for this thread.
Dance. A lot. There is always a way to get in for free for a great dancer. When there isn't the club is probably unworthy of your money anyways.....
Honestly RSDtyler can give some great advice about the subject. You want to show confidence, show how interesting you are before you get into clubbing seals.
Drugs and std's ftw
The biggest tip I can give is you are going to be tempted to get one with nails in it because it seems like it would give the most satisfying crunch but honestly it's so hard to clean it's not worth it
Don't go clubbing. Clubbing, tbh, is for poor people who want to pretend to be rich.
It's also for rich people who (apparently) want to be poor.
TL;DR clubs suck. And something something baby seals.
Don't leave your drink unattended.
I can reccomend using an axe instead of a broadsword, usually the broadsword is more expensive to maintain. Also, ask the DJ for more tips, he knows these kinds of stuff.
First what you want to do is have a good grip on the situation, next grab a club that feels nice and that you can comfortably swing with, lastly aim for the skull and kill both mothers and pups as seal meat is not cheap and the furs make great hats and gifts
Start out small, Seal cubs for starters. Then move onto bigger seals and eventually you'll be whacking the heads off even the biggest mammals without even breaking a sweat.
When I go clubbing I target the drunkest bitches first. They have slower reaction times. And they don't run in straight lines so it makes the kill more exciting.
So much gold..
It is worth it to spend the extra money on a nicer monogrammed club.
Clubbing seals - hahahaha. Sorry, I'm in a massive huff with this site. Same shit, every thread.
A decade or two ago, clubbing was often frowned upon, especially by the elder generation. Public perception of clubbing has greatly improved since then. This has a lot to do with the prevalence of date rapes.
Seal guys who cannot get a date with a seal lady are often observed to catch themselves a petite penguin, date-rape them, and let them go. At dinner time, they may also take the penguin for dinner afterwards.
So by speaking out against the clubbing scene, you are basically siding with a bunch of serial rapists.
Finally, someone who can explain to the rest of the world what canadians have know all this time.
Drink a lot of water.
if you do drugs bring your own (you never know what they sell you)
find a spot where you can relax and dance without minding your surroundings (for example: not next to the stairs that lead to the toilets - way too much traffic)
come alone - so you can leave whenever you feel like it
tip the staff. seriously do it.
if you are high on stuff and/or sweating a lot you might wanna head to the the bathroom and cover your lower arms each in cold water for about 30 seconds. this will cool your system by a tremendous amount.
in retrospective oropax wont hurt your night
if someone steps on your foot -DO NOT- be a douche... feets have beein stepped on in clubs since the beginning of time and an infinite amount of feets will be stepped on in the future thats just how it is in a dark loud noisy smoky packed area.
if people talk about clubbing i think about what i associat with that word. for me it is probably something else then for someone that enters the nightlife thru the commercial door. i was born in berlin and grew up here - so yah.. underground technoclubs all over the place.
oh and if you see someone doing g. smack him and point him out to the bouncers.
edit: DONT FORGET TO GO HOME!
edit2: universal advice: if you are under 21 do yourself the favour and dont do drugs. not even weed im serious. as long as your frontal lobes havent grown together yet your mind is still in a state of change and drugs are having a negative effect on that.
What's "g"?
GHB otherwise known as liquid extasy or your goto rapedrug
http://www.drugs.com/illicit/ghb.html
People used to use ghb for recreational use back in the day...
back in the day the weed wasnt as potent either. Ive seen what g does to people - and its not pretty there are two nogos in our clubscene needls and ghb. especially when people are drunk and do g the outcome looks realy realy nasty
Aim for the head.
Haha lol fuck seals
Waterproof covers for your boots. All that blood is a bitch to rinse off.
Get very, very drunk.
Coming as a former bar tender, pay for a $5 drink with a $50 notes, and get distracted by a girl and forget about the change.
Me itt.
Don't. You make think it's fun and cool but you end up just wasting a bunch of money. But shit I've never been to a super big club, mainly just dumbass overpriced bars which piss me off too. But seriously don't, and if you think the most fun thing you can do is go dancing in some filthy hell hole, you need to change your life.
I legitimately thought this thread was about seal clubbing. What's wrong with me?
Reddit.
Buy a larger club.
Just hold the object (preferably a hammer or a bat) by the base with both hands and use gloves for a good grip and also swing the object in a 12 - 6 motion( up and down).
Don't move your arms too much. If you don't have good control over your body, people will look strangly at you and avoid places near you.
Also you are much less likely to miss the head with a straight downward swing.
Clubbing and ice is always a fun mix.
You won't find too many seals on a tropical beach.
This will get buried, but; DON'T film, photograph other people.
Ever.
You'll meet people on drugs, alcohol or just have "strange" way of expressing themselves. It's their choice if they want to share it with the outside world, not yours.
A lot of people say "it's all in the wrist" but that will only give you a weak swing just on its own. Start the swing at your feet, pushing off with your dominant foot, twisting your hips, and then swing your arm. You want as many of your muscles as you can to contribute to the power of your swing. Remember, "Aim with your wrist, swing with your body."
I like a gnarled wooden cudgel for my seals.
Don't drink too much. Don't take too many drugs. Don't constantly hit on women/treat them like they're meat. Enjoy yourself with your friends
Don't make large movements or make loud noises. Otherwise baby seals are quite gullible and will normally allow you to walk right up and club them in the head.
When dealing with a white boxing opponent, the most important thing is to look and sound intimidating. I pity the fool who doesn't take this to heart.
Only a bad builder blames his tools, so always try to watch and improve your swing. Also metal bends out of shape, best to just go with wood.
I remember one of the first times I ever went clubbing. It was NYE and absolutely fooking freezing. I remember wiring for about an hour for some friends to turn up whilst waiting around looking like an idiot in my vest and wooly hat.
I kicked around in the car park for a bit, watching other people meeting up and then heading off together. I was getting annoyed as it was typical of my friends to be late. Eventually they turned up, but it wasn't good. Smoke was blowing out of their car and oil was dripping all over the floor. Basically it was a huge commotion.
I walk over and they all start piling out of the car. David - the driver - seemed super pissed. Shouting about how shitty his car was, getting mad and kicking the wheels and stuff. It was all getting a bit out of hand and stupid. I try and calm things down and tell him I'm going to call a garage to get someone to come out.
We now all sit in the car waiting, getting colder and colder as we can't turn the engine on for the heater. The mechanic turns up and we get out while he had a look.
Time is ticking by and Dave says "fuck this , I'm going to get food." We agree this is a good idea and all pile off on foot to find something. By shitty luck the only place open is an ice cream parlour. I can't believe it and am literally shaking with cold by this points. Dave's crazy and just orders the biggest ice cream he can. Of course there's no-where to sit in the parlour so we walk back to the car park by the club.
Dave's shivering so much while eating this ice cream that he has smeared it all over his face. He looks a complete vanilla mess. He saunters up to the mechanic and asks him what the problem is? The mechanic looks up at Dave, frowns and says "looks like you've blown a seal."
"It's fucking ICE CREAM!" Says Dave.
If you don't know anyone at the club, go to their website and see if they have VIP lists. Some times you can skip lines and even no cover charge.
Man, reddit sure does love circlejerking over a dead ~~horse~~ seal
When clubbing ensure the seal is hit at an angle which won't give too much blood spatter. Also start with the baby seals till you get it down to 1 or 2 hits then work your way up to the adults
Deodrant
Dance like you came straight out of Jersey Shore
say you're a cholo on the outside, but but smooth as rolos on the inside.
I came here for legitimate tips on night clubbing.
This is much better. Thank you, Reddit.
Take all drugs right before entering da club. Find highest place to dance. Own the spot. Dont forget to hydrate. But not too much.
When looking for party :Pay extra for live sets. Worth it. Also, to prevent your jaw muscles from sticking out your cheek, due to tension, lick the roof of your mouth every 5-10min for a bit.
Everybody LOVE everybody. Now dance sucka.
If someone offers your drugs, say thank you, because drugs are expensive.
Biggest tip to pick up chicks: enjoy yourself dancing to the music having a good time. Don't constantly "scope" the floor looking for a chick you want to dance up to. So many people in clubs with scowls on their face trying to look tough, that when a girl sees you genuinely smiling and having a good time, they dance over to you!!
As a female, I second this!
At this point, we've clubbed the metaphorical seal to death. Be sure to focus on other animals, like penguins, so they won't feel left out of the clubbing scene.
If you can't dance then get drunk and then you won't care and you'll have a good time
This is the most autistic question I have ever heard.
I'll give you real, non-seal-shit advice:
Go to the area earlier, during the day if you're unfamiliar. Learn the entire area. Usually nightspots are a lot safer during the day as the seedy types only come out at night. Learn your way around, as the area totally looks different at night and can be very intimidating. At the very least, you'll learn where all the cool spots are before you go properly. But the added benefit is that you don't get lost or stray into bad spots when you're drunk or being chased in the off-chance you get into trouble.
Don't do it
Just dance
Why does reddit do this sometimes
Oh you meant "night"clubbing?
Sorry, had that wrong from the get-go!
If you're driving and going nightclubbing, you can always use the high beam for visibility while looking for that baby seal.
quality drugs
God damn, I actually wanted to learn about going clubbing. I don't think any of you have actually killed seals before.
Try to hit the back of the skull with your club. Accuracy is more important than force, although a fair amout of force is needed. If you do it right, it kills the baby seal every time, instantly, and without pain. Even if you didn't hit it hard enough to kill it the first time, if your strike was accurate enough it is likely to knock it out, giving you an opportunity to finish the job. Happy clubbing! :)
EDIT: Wait, now i'm confused. Is this thread actually about clubbing seals, or just clubbing (partying, drinking, hullabalooza)? My advice is only apliccable to clubbing seals, and should not be applied to partying under any circumstance!
EDIT 2: This is actual advice by the way, in case someone mistakes it for a dumb joke.
Bartender at a club here.
Have a current form of ID ready by the time you get to the front of the line at the door, along with cash for the cover charge. Be nice to our security staff! They are there to help in case you need them (i.e. - if a guy is harassing you and you don't want him to bother you).
If you're waiting for a long time for a drink, know what you want to order before I get to you. People not knowing what they want is what's slowing the bar down. Have your cash or card ready. See us hauling ass? Tip us, then. Order drinks by stating which liquor you want, then the mixer. Aka don't order a "Redbull vodka", or even worse... "Vodka redbull............................ with Stoli". Order a "Stoli and redbull". Concise, logical orders take less time to make. Leave an open tab if you're paying with a card and plan on coming back a few times. Running your card every time you order a drink also slows the bar down.
Drink lots of water. People forget to do this, and the dancing + drinking combination ain't cute at last call. Water will help your situation drastically.
Have reliable, safe transportation home. If you plan on drinking at all, have a DD (or even better, a cab or an Uber or something).
Have fun! You're there to dance and socialize. Don't be a dick and get in a fight, that's not fun for anyone.
EDIT: Also, NEVER LEAVE YOUR DRINK UNATTENDED! Not worth the risk of getting roofied. That shit does happen. If you absolutely must, put a bar napkin on top of it so that we know not to pull it. Also, if you leave your drink unattended for a sizable chunk of time, our staff is going to assume you abandoned it and will dump it. And I'm not going to give you a new one for free.
Be nice to our security staff! They are there to help in case you need them
Definetly do this. If something tends to blow up, which may happen every now and then, you'll want to be on the guard's good side, even if you didn't have anything to do with it.
I've been going to clubs in London for years. I'm gonna give a serious answer just because.
If you wear a jacket, pay the $3 or whatever and check it into the coat room. You'll get a little ticket for picking it up later - take a photo of this with your phone, because you're probably going to lose it during the course of the night.
Scope out the following areas when you arrive so you know where they are during the course of the night: Toilets, chill out/cooldown area, bar, smoking area/outdoors space.
Don't take a wallet, just put some notes/bills in your pocket with your ID (if the clubs you go to are anything like the ones I go to then you'll need that to get in). Pocket space is at a premium, so keep yourself light so you can move and dance without getting uncomfortable.
Hydration - drink more water than beer/liquor/whatever. It's cheaper and you'll thank yourself the next day when you're not dehydrated after hours spent in a hot packed nightclub. Personally, when I go to a club, I alternate between water/beer and water/Red Bull each round (I'm getting old now and greatly appreciate the energy boost).
Drugs - Drug distribution in big clubs (like Fabric, Ministry of Sound, and whatever the American equivalents are) is a fucking horrible industry. Distribution networks (read: criminal gangs) routinely threaten families of security guards working the clubs to persuade them to turn a blind eye to the dealing. A friend of mine who was involved in booking for [a major London club] said when it comes to recruiting security, they have to look for staff who live at least 100 miles from the club, to make sure nobody involved in the dealing would know enough about them to track them down.
Plus, a drug dealer in a club has no incentive to make sure the product they're putting out is of a good quality. I'm not saying the drugs sold in clubs are necessarily dangerous, but the chances are they won't be very good. There's serious money to be made selling shit drugs to bored/gullible kids in nightclubs.
If you know someone and trust them to provide good stuff, do what you will. House music is fucking amazing on a pill. However I personally would never ever take something offered by a stranger in a club.
Dancing - Try not to take up too much space, and be aware that you're in a hot crowded room, so keep the arm-waving to a minimum if possible. But please, do your best to not feel self-conscious. It's easier said than done, but honestly, in a nightclub, nobody gives a shit what you look like on the dancefloor. If you've got moves then people will notice, but if you just want to nod your head and get into a little groove then please, PLEASE, just do your thing, and not worry about what others may or may not be thinking.
If you smoke, and the club doesn't allow smoking inside, bring an e-cigarette and stay indoors. After about half a decade of queueing for smoking areas and finding myself spat out in a crowded 100m² area filled with 500+ drunk/high teenagers with cigarettes, the advent of e-cigarettes was momentous.
If you're there to listen to the music then the best sound quality, generally speaking, is to be found nearest the sound desk (just like at concerts).
Above all, just enjoy the music and have fun :)
Hydration - drink more water than beer/liquor/whatever. It's cheaper and you'll thank yourself the next day when
In my area, the beer and shots are actually cheaper. It runs about $3/shot, $1 beers. $5 for a glass of water.
$3/shot, $1 beers. $5 for a glass of water
WHAT?! That's scandalous!
This is the kind of pricing I'm used to in London:
Shots: £Fuck knows, I don't do shots
Beer: £5+ for a 500ml can
Water: £2 - £3 for a 500ml bottle
Extortionate, obviously, but at least it makes sense!
If you're just at a bar, water is free. But clubs here charge a premium for water. Their complaint is people just asking for water hurts their bottom line, and they've successfully lobbied to be able to charge such an absurd price for a tiny plastic cup of water.
If possible, look up reviews for what your taking before you take it. Try to find out what it really is first and plan accordingly
This step is pointless. If you're taking drugs, you should A) Either be testing that shit yourself so you KNOW what it is, or B) Not take it all. When you rely on Erowid to ID exactly what you're taking, you have no idea what you're taking.
While I agree, realistically most people are not going to be carrying around testing kits.
So a quick lookup for any substantial warnings is going to be better than nothing.
If you aren't testing it you shouldn't be doing it <_< Seriously.
Test kits are cheap, and you can learn the chemistry yourself to understand it by just studying it.
Know the drugs you take.
hahaha people on reddit who think they go out properly. might as well go to them for romance advice next
Start with baby seals, and work you're way up to adults. It get's to be a bit of a challenge once they're big enough to hit back, but that's what's so fun about it!
dont wear white.
Definitely take a million photos of yourself and friends in the bathroom mirror so people can see how drunk you were and how much fun you had in the bathroom.
aim for the head
Seriously. If you have plans to buy/take anything other than alcohol, buy a test kit and use it. Check out bunk police, there are three kits for different drug applications, they are ONLY $20 each, and each kit can run between 20-40 tests.
Drugs are powerful and need to be respected, don't ever gamble with your life. Oh, and stay hydrated.
P.s - undercovers typically have a bookbag of sorts, clean shoes / an outfit that is trying too hard to be cool, and speak a jargon that just seems too corny to be real
Loose seal! Watch out for loose seal!
Don't ask for clubbing advice from reddit.
Stay away from the baby seals
Eat Sleep Rave Repeat
ITT: People talking about dance clubs while OP's question was about clubbing seals.
Get a sharp hakapik! It's crucial for clubbing the baby seals to death in an efficient manner.
This thread has just been redditified.
I just have to drop my enigma off.
Base of the skull, not the tail
I thought this said "chubbers of reddit" and I was going to offer tips for being fat but nvm.
I was unaware that you needed tips for going clubbing.
Come at the seal from downwind of it and smack it hard at the base of the skull
Easy
PETA is best avoided. If approached adopt a casual stance and don't make eye contact. They will quickly grow tired of the lack of attention you are paying to them and they will go away.
I don't think anyone here can actually answer this, seeing as the majority of reddit consists of basement dwellers, as well as people who turn actual social life inquiries into jokes that only internet people will understand.
This is where /u/dickinatree realizes he forgot the serious tag.
Everyone is assuming he is talking about seals. But he could mean random strangers or hobos or whatever. Really nearly anything can be clubbed if you're determined enough.
You find a nice lone seal and bonk it on the head. Simple as that.
Gone clubbing on many the occasion, my biggest tip is... Use a sledgehammer if you can swing it good you should get a kill on the first go against most animals or humans depends on what you're into
Make sure the momma seal isn't around.
I Thought you were talking about whacking people on the head :(
This might be the greatest thread I've ever seen.
Same.
Can we please make this into a reddit wide meme?
Try to hit the seal directly on top of the head. No side swipes.
A seal walks into a club.
Don't get too close; baby seals have sharp teeth and they WILL bite when you are trying to kill them.
Make sure you keep your weight back, and follow through.
hit the seals on top of the head, not in the face
Ah the old reddit seal-a-roo
ITT:Stupid Seal jokes
Make sure the first blow is good, firm one. You don't want that poor thing to suffer.
No, you will not get laid tonight.
I don't condone this, but I use to be the youngest person in my group and would sometimes be unable to attend certain festivities because of my age. I would many times go to certain clubs/lounges before they began checking for ID/had bouncers at the entrance, or during restaurant hours when ID wasn't required. I would stay there while they prepared for the nightlife crowd and wouldn't even get carded for drinks afterward because they figured I was already carded at the door. Underage drinking and partying FTW! Drink responsibly One last thing,...don't buy minty breath fresheners to hide the alcohol smell, try fruity fresheners like life savers or rainbow tic tacs, if you hook up they will prefer the fruit over mint almost every time.
Save your money by not going and listening to your own iPod.
Use the wrist strap and two hands. I know it doesn't look as cool, but trust me, every time I look in the mirror I see that scar. A constant reminder.
First off, you want to make sure you have everything you need for success. This means your clothing, your accessories, and of course, the perfect club.
The club should be shouldn't be embarrassingly cheap, but don't spend too much, as the club is just a tool to get what you want and have a good time.
Pay attention to the laws in your area, and steer clear of the police if you are in any sort of legal grey area. Many a fun time clubbing has ended in handcuffs.
When it comes time to get to the actual clubbing, be sure to bring your friends along. Clubbing can often be morally questionable, so having your friends with you will help ward off any moral qualms you may have. You might as well just get together and have a few drinks before hand. A reasonably priced drink can be difficult to find in many prime clubbing areas, and coming into it a bit tipsy will make sure you're ready to go at it hard.
When it comes time to close, pick an easy target. Younger specimens will often be less suspecting of your advances, and generally easier to manipulate. Picking the right target is the deciding factor in whether you bring anything home or not.
And once you catch one, FUCK HER RIGHT IN THE PUSSY!!!!
I'm pretty sure this thread is going into the Reddit Hall of Fame. People are going to talk about this thread years from now. Just like the kid with his broken arms, Tom Cruise, the time Reddit turned espanol and the siblings wrestling. Congratulations OP. You're going down in history.
Make sure you know the dress code of the club. You do not want to be turned down at the door
Yes, it is very important that you wear warm clothing so that you don't get cold on the ice.
Fuck off. Please
Been lucky enough to club in many cities around the world.
Do what makes you happy (dance, act silly, etc), not what you perceive you're "supposed to do". Give zero fucks about what anyone else thinks about you. Quietly laugh at those who are trying too hard.
If you see a club that seems exciting from the outside, and then walk into an empty club just, cut your losses, leave, and find a club with people. It's likely going to remain dead most of the night. If the staff/bartender says it's going to "pick up later" there's a 90% chance they're lying.
Don't feel pressured to drink what you don't want. Marketing wizards are very successful in creating the illusion that you're more sophisticated if you drink more expensive alcohol. You won't suddenly become glamorous or rich by drinking super expensive alcohol. It's quite the contrary, actually. Drink what you like and will get you feeling good at night without feeling awful the next day.
If you don't like the music (overall, not just one song), you are wasting your time. Find another club.
In about 75-80% of the clubs i've been to, VIP really isn't that much better. Just more secluded.
Be nice to the people that work at clubs. If they're acting like assholes, it's because they have to deal with assholes all night. Being nice goes a long way much of the time.
and lastly, if you remember nothing else, remember this: If you aren't having a good time, simply leave. Sticking around another 30 minutes usually doesn't help.
I disagree with your last point. Always stick around for "one more drink". Thats when shit happens.
Get in front of the women to invite them to dance.
Edit: Apparently the people downvoting dislike this suggestion for some reason yet won't reveal the reason.
Nah you just haven't made a shitty seal joke so people are downvoting en masse trying to turn this thread in to one of those 'OMG remember how funny that thread was when someone wanted advice about clubbing and we made it about Seals LOL' threads.
It's annoying as shit.
Ahh, thanks for the heads up!
Dont rape anyone.
but the seals on the other hand...
Pre game, Always drink a fair amount not pass out drunk amount but a little tipsy doesn't hurt, as drinks at clubs are 3x or more the actual price.
For a person that is introverted and wanted to go to clubs more often, this thread isn't helping.
Easier to preach to the converted for most people, so they wont try anything else.
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this gave me 0 insight on how to club seals
U saved the thread.
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U r welcome no sarcasm
Oh, by the way, those Adios Mother Fuckers WILL catch up to you.
what does this mean?
Guess I'll break the chain here :p You'll have a better experience if you actually like the music and know who's playing. There are definitely the stereotypical clubbers who are there just to get wasted/laid/etc, but there's a large portion of those who actually go for the music too :) Don't worry about judgmental asshats because they're usually the ones not having a good time while standing around or sitting in the "Look at me I'm boring but I have money!!" section. If you're drinking, always pregame before you head in. Drinks bought at the club should only be to keep your buzz going. Hope that helps!
Upvoted for having a legitimate answer that this poor man will never see.
I thought this was gonna actually be about seals at the end, this thread has given me trust issues. Been back stabbed too many times
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Yeah it's a good rule, lots of people criticise bouncers but I've never had an issue in the 5 years I've been legally going out.
Always start with an 'all right mate?' going in and 'cheers lads' on the way out.
I'm not a clubber but this thread is going to be filled with seal jokes. Also, if you're spending a bunch of money on the weekends just to be hot and sweaty and dance with strangers then have fun with that. I gave up on clubbing a while ago because it's filled with douchebags that just wanna get laid and really expensive drinks that are completely watered down to nothing.
I don't get it.
I always used to carry a Mars bar for 9+hour nights. Always nice to a boost of energy.
Should have put a [serious] tag on this post, OP. Lookin' out fer ya.
I've been a club rat for a while now so I can tell you some things about going to clubs from my personal experience. This is if you plan on making a "thing" out of going clubbing. It's not for everyone.
Get to know the bouncer. Be friendly, ask how his night is going, make a little small talk if you're good at it. Pay the cover charge, tell him thanks and walk on in. If you become a regular aka go every weekend and be friendly, eventually the bouncers will remember you and if they like you, they may be nice and not have you pay cover(small perk). You don't have to be rich, you just have to be liked and have a good personality.
Don't go to clubs expecting to find girls to dance or hook up with. A lot of guys think that it's normal to just spot a cute girl and come up behind them and just start grinding. This is NOT cool. The best way that I have found to go to a club is go with a group of friends, preferably not all guys(unless they are experienced clubbers). Try getting some girls to go too. It's much easier dancing and drinking with friends in a friendly and fun way than to find a random girl to dance with. This works to your advantage too because it looks like you're just there to have fun with your friends(which you SHOULD be) and if you DO spot a cute girl and she noticed you not being a creeper earlier, she may be ok having a conversation with you if you decide to chat her up given that you have decent conversational skills.
A lot of guys who aren't typically the clubbing type or dancing type will end up sticking to the bar with a drink and just watching people dance, looking bored. The reason this happens is because of the expectation these people have before stepping foot in the club. You should never expect to get anything out of the club whether it be your fun, a girl, etc. You should be going in with the mindset that you are bringing the fun and your presence to the club. It just makes the whole experience better.
TLDR: Don't go with expectations of meeting someone, remember...you are bringing the party to the club, otherwise you won't have fun. good luck :)
and you can ask more questions if you're serious about how to approach going to the clubs. i know it sounds kind of lame to be taught this stuff but you're getting CHEAT codes here.
I don't really go clubbing anymore, but here is what I figured out more or less:
Don't go to the clubs with expectations.
Don't go looking for a guy/girl to meet.
Go with people, but don't go for anyone but yourself.
It's about having fun and sharing moments with your friends or anyone that you might meet there. Every day is an adventure, and going to a club is just another one.
Be friendly and don't let anyone that rejects your friendliness get to you. You're having more fun than them anyway.
Pace yourself on the drinks. I would show up, do a couple of shots and get a strong drink to get right into a good buzz or a good bit tipsy. From there, it's your call, but I wouldn't do more than a drink/shot per hour just to nurse that nice buzz you've got going from the start.
Don't worry about the dancing. Everyone is drunk. Jumping/bouncing/bobbing up and down to the beat with one hand in the air will get you through pretty much any song.
Edit: Why am I being downvoted? Isn't this completely relevant to the thread? Or is it because it's not about clubbing seals?
I don't care about the karma. I'm just genuinely confused and curious. Thanks!
Or is it because it's not about clubbing seals?
Yes
The downvotes are for not following in the seal circlejerk. Yea, the majority of redditors are actually semi-retarded.
That's what I figured. Well, hopefully OP see's this and gets some good out of it.
Thanks!
Ex-clubber here. I used to club frequently. Now I feel too old and tired for that. But here are some tips I personally find useful.
Pre-drink / pre-game. Where I live clubbing is expensive. Cover charge is easily $20 dollars, sometimes it includes a drink or two. A simple drink like vodka soda in a lowball glass can cost around $15. I drink to get a nice buzz going before I enter a club.
Be prepared to squeeze with sweaty, drunk people if you are going to a popular club. This is why I seldom go clubbing now, I get way too impatient to navigate a drunk crowd for 15 minutes to get to the washroom.
Comfortable footwear. If you are a guy that's easy. It is no joke to stand in a crowded club for hours in high heels that aren't comfortable.
Look out for one another. When you get drunk you want to be around friends who would look out for you.
Also, don't drink until the seal is in the car. You can never be sure with the blubbery fuckers; you may have to bash them again.
The hottest club in town is Mung. Taste maker Sloppy Bottom is back with an all new club and this place has everything: Fountains, cowboys riding mini bikes, a Himalayan salt lamp wearing a fedora, a lasagna with googly eyes and none other than Mr. Fingers. Who's Mr. Fingers? He's a 93 year old dirt bag with no hands and a drooling problem, but if you look at him he'll pull a quarter out of your coin slot.
I totally read this in Stefans voice
if someone offers you drugs, take them and say thank you, that shit can get expensive if you have to buy your own each weekend
The thing about clubbing is to not think about it too much. Just go in there and give it all you've got. The last thing you want is for the seal to feel any pain. Club it hard and once, and once you've mastered that, you can move on to adult seals. The baby ones are just for practice.
Hickory is really the better wood for your club. A lot of guys will think oak because it got a rep for being tough but hickory has just the right amount of flex to it which makes it a superior choice for a club. That's why they use it for baseball bats. Plus some of those seals have some mean looking teeth so be safe out there OP.
A bit late to the party, but here goes.
A lot of people wear white when they go clubbing. Mistake! It might give you a bit of an advantage as for camouflage, but blood stains are impossible to get off.
Little late but hope you see this. I've been in the nightclub industry for over a decade...
Try and go out with girls. Hot ones. You'll get in easier and don't be surprised if the girls get in and leave your ass outside.
Pre party... Get a nice buzz going before getting to the club.
Dress cool. People put "Be good looking" and it is a plus but not as important for guys (In the stupid club scene that is). For a guy being fashionable is more important.
Flasks... Will save you a ton of fucking money. If you got a decent budget spend it on buying drugs for chicks and tipping promoters and door guys instead. Just be careful not to get busted with one. Ask for cups of water with ice, go to a bathroom stall and replace water with the liquid. If you have access to xanax pop a quarter or whatever is good for you so you can get a cheap buzz with minimal $. If you have never tried xanax be careful at first... try it somewhere safe.
Have fun, get it out of your system and get the fuck out. It's such a stupid, unhealthy thing to be into. Do bars if you want to go out and have fun. Djs suck, the people suck, promoters suck. Find a few cool bars in your area or maybe some more laid back, fun type clubs.
Yes, nothing gets the ladies going like a guy who's wearing a Trump Signature button down and is so broke he's sneaking in a flask and taking half a Xanax for a cheap buzz.
Trump signature is your idea of fashionable?... lol Dork.
No, it's my idea of what a person who brings a flask to a club thinks is fashionable, and can afford.
Sure...
First of all, they were asking about seals. Second of all, why the fuck would you recommend someone consume xanax?
Clearly, you've never clubbed a seal on xanax before.
Huh.
Are you on xanax right now?... But yeah in reality xanax is a terrible drug. I've seen it ruin lives. It's very dangerous. But if you want to club seals there's no other way to do it.
Surely anything that alters one's perception would ruin your odds of reliably smashing open a baby seal before it pops back into the water.
Not if you balance it out with a couple of wacks on coke.
Good point. And lots of substances may be needed to forget the guilt of smashing a baby seal's head in.
This is excellent advice, but I don't see how it's on topic? Nevertheless I shall embark tomorrow in my most fashionable clubbing outfit cum flask, buzz, and girls, and then get the fuck out. To get it out of your system as you suggest, how many seals would you say you had to club?
Is "clubbing seals" what kids call fucking chicks nowadays?
If you're right, that makes this whole thread into dating advice, delivered via triple entendre.
Please use [Serious] next time. I hate when people fuck up AskReddit threads with lame jokes.
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First post was hilarious. Then every joke after was just annoying.
Who the fuck still goes clubbing? That's so barbaric.
To subject yourself to such a shitty atmosphere with such douchebag people with such horrible music is a fate worse than being hit on the head when you come up for air.
Edit: Guys. /u/Agrx-Legends is right. You're taking the bait and missing the joke.
You own a katana.... don't you?
Sometimes... you just know. Deep in your balls.
wut
Your... your balls.
You know. Where the venom originates.
First they came for neckbeards and I stayed silent because I shave. They came for fedora's and I didn't speak up because I'm not going dancing in Cuba anytime soon. Then they came for Katanas and there was no left to defend me and my samurai brothers.
It sounds like some Reddit meetups I've heard about
This is the best one because these people took the bait and missed the joke
Is there a reference here I don't get? Otherwise I don't see what the joke is.
Edit: ohhh.
Are you a seal?
Yes.
[deleted]
I'm just curious, did you think I was serious?
Whoosh
[deleted]
but mah lan party
It's so annoying, you'd think Ask Reddit would be a place to escape all the circlejerk stuff but nope.
Awe, poor baby.
He's joking. You're dumb.
Hey, I found the first real answer! Too bad it's so judgmental.
It's a seal answer too. "hit on the head when you come up for air"
Oh. In that case, well done /u/Made_you_read_penis, well done.
I don't know,I hate it in any other context,but there's something about going out of my comfort zone with friends/coworkers and getting hammered that's nice.
Fuck the pathways that form in any concert/festival/club though.
Oh man, I wasn't serious. My wife goes to clubs. I have no real opinion, I was just fucking around in relation to the other comments.
Which at the time were solely about clubbing seals.
I wasn't that serious either,just had a migraine and felt like adding my 2 cents.
Usually 18-21 year olds go clubbing, since they can get in at 18, and can drink there at 21. Never seen any Vikings at clubs either, so can't attest to the barbarism. Maybe you're choosing your spots poorly.
He was kidding. He was talking about clubbing seals.
Pregame, taxi, have fun
Order the taxi/ride via phone rather than getting it outside the club.
I guess this one could be about seals
[deleted]
Also "masturbate furiously"
Hide your money. Don't go to the bathroom without friends.
I'll probably get down voted but uhh, make sure you're a bit tipsy so you can relax and let your hair down and dance without caring.
At the club.
With music.
And people.
No sea creatures involved.
I'm a straight guy who has tried clubbing before and never loved it until I went to some of the gay clubs with a group of friends (male and female) after the SCOTUS ruling. They are a lot of fun and have great music.
You're getting downvoted (presumably because you're not contributing the reddit "I am very clever" seal-clubbing circlejerk) but this is a very good response. If you're a person who likes to go out and have a good time and drink with friends, but gets nervous around the opposite sex, gay bars are where the party's at.
You get hit on a lot there?
You get hit on sometimes in gay bars, for sure, but if the people there know you're straight, it's usually just silly playful flirting, and most (most) guys don't mean anything by it. Funny enough, it's also kind of a good insight into what girls are subject to at regular bars, and can actually be used as a good litmus test for flirting/pick-ups. If you find a particular pick-up line/advance/flirtation directed at you in a gay bar to be creepy or embarrassing, that's a good way to know not to use it on a girl at a regular bar.
Hit in the head with a club, to be precise.
Not to be anybody's dad here, but just know your limits. If you're young or new to clubs it can be an exciting atmosphere which is easy to get caught up in and maybe over indulge in drinks or whatever your in to. Just have fun and pace yourself. You'll remember it all the more clearer too the next day!
Yes, absolutely. Having fun is the primary concern, but responsibility plays a big part in it. Having a bunch of drinks at the bar with friends and then stumbling home to have a nice drunk sleep? Fantastic.
Stumbling home and deciding to stop at your buddy's frat for a cup of week-old jungle juice on the way? Catastrophic. Responsible decisions can be fun decisions.
Not for the seals though.
Don't waste your time waiting in a lineup all night trying to get into the "coolest" club out there. You'll have a better time, and more luck banging someone at a different place that lets you right in.
Man how could you be so silly, posting a serious reply with real advice in this thread. Didn't you see that there's no [serious] tag?? Clearly that means that the OP wanted 5-year old puns and memes instead of answers to a question that would benefit him in the real world!
/s
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Every city has a club that holds the line up, and every city has clubs that doesn't. Every time I had to wait extra long to get into a place, it wasn't worth it. Every time I went to a place that tried hard to make it look busy, it was great.
I grew up in clubbing in Toronto, which I think had the most dance floor space per capita in North America (possibly even the world). Every corner had 30 night clubs, 15 of them held the line ups, 15 just let you in. The ones that let you in were almost always better.
I usually dance after I've gone clubbing, but to each his own.
No dude, nothing compares with Newfoundland - there are thousands of acres of ice to go clubbing on.
In all my time in Toronto, I haven't seen a single seal.
I think this may help
Is there a subreddit for this? I'd love to be a part of the hobby. I've hated seals since I was a kid but generally stuck to smashing my plushies with plastic baseball bats.
Don't fuck with the bouncers.
Again, you're getting downvoted because reddit is full of edgy 15 year olds who enjoy tired puns instead of real-world advice, but you're very right. Bouncers, contrary to the opinion of the edgy misanthropes on reddit, have a very tiring and thankless job. They stand outside all night in the cold with no one to talk to except the other bouncer, if there is one, and they have to deal with shitty stupid drunk assholes and underage dumbasses trying to sneak in, while everyone else is inside getting drunk having a great time. In addition, bouncers in bigger cities have to regularly deal with dangerous situations that could result in them either getting injured or having to be involved with the legal system.
tl;dr: be respectful to the bouncer. He is likely having a shite day.
What the fuck kind of seals have bouncers?
The rubbery ones
Don't pop your collar, it's retarded and just allows more surface area for the blood to splatter on.
Accept whatever pills are offered.
reddit is officially the new 4chan..
In Australia, it's customary to use golf clubs against cane toads. For beginners, use a wood to get that good solid THUMP.
Tip #1. Dont go to clubs.
dont ever go. Those places are just full of tools. Drinks cost a lot. There is no "talking" or "hanging out". Lots of ignorant people in clubs.
Don't.
other than "find something else to do," if you're set on going clubbing...
Pre-game
Bring (FUN) friends
Dance your collective asses off, together. on a stage preferably.
There's nothing more fun and freeing than dancing with your friends. Don't try to get girls. Don't be fucking shy. Just get out there and have a blast.
Bring (FUN) friends
I love my friends to death, but they are all deadbeats on the dance floor. Maybe I just need a new crowd just for going out?
Possibly. Some people are just better suited to different environments and atmospheres. But that doesn't mean you should ever cold-shoulder them in favor of your "clubbing" friends. If they want to go out, instead of a club, maybe suggest a more chilled-out bar where you can sit and talk and play drinking games. In my Uni town, there's a bar that's perfect for this -- one half is the bar area with the taps and bartop, and space for a band, and the other half has big round tables perfect for playing games like kings cup, big booty, and the like.
Sometimes all it takes is having just that one fun friend that you can go together with. I actually find that the more people I come with, the less fun it is. People who come in groups tend to stay within their group instead of wander around and socialize.
It can also put a damper on your fun if you end up worrying about whether or not other people in your group are having a good time, or if they become a liability where you have to make sure they don't get too drunk and lost.
Very true. I was in Austin recently for RTX with a good friend of mine, and we made it a point to branch out and talk to new people. When we were in a group, there was too much comfort in the pack, and that's the last thing I need. Comfort is the enemy of progress
I had a different group of friends in college that I went dancing with. They were all in my major so it was a fun group that was always spending time together.
I agree, young male seals are the better targets, and dancing with your friends while clubbing them only makes the experience more enjoyable.
Bro you misunderstood the question
The first rule of club club is ... you're going to get hit with a club.
https://web.archive.org/web/20130718203520im_/http://www.whiteninjacomics.com/images/comics/club.gif
Remember, it's all in the hips.
Make sure you swing with your body, not your arms. Otherwise those seals aren't going down in one hit.
The trick is to blend in with the crowd and just have fun. Once you have the baby seals trust they'll never see it coming.
Great tip, thanks!
Wear earplugs. Doesn't matter what anyone has to say, your hearing is more important than any amount of cool.
Alternatively, try to find a spot on the dance floor as far away from the amps/speakers as possible. You're not going to miss out on any of the music by standing farther away, and you won't be asking everyone to repeat themselves the next day.
Came here to find this comment. People don't seem to respect their hearing for some reason. Clubs are very loud. I get asked all the time at concerts why I'm wearing earplugs but I don't care
Yeah seals yell pretty loud when you club them
Guestlists. Use the heck out of them. Never pay a cover
Drink BEFORE you go in. Dance until you are sober.
Dance! Dance! Dance! Always dance. No partner? Dance alone. You are there so keep moving.
Never take a drink from anyone but the bartender. Roofies are real. It does happen to guys too.
Find a designated driver and make their life better. Take one for the team and make sure they have fun.
Don't overdress. Dress how you enjoy. Do NOT dress like you are going on a date.
Brush your teeth and groom yourself. Clean is always good.
NEVER ditch your wingman/woman! Anyone new person that will take you home from a club is not worth ditching your friends for.
Friday and Saturday nights are for meeting new people. Have fun with the intention of getting out of your shy zone and say hi to everyone.
Always close quickly and often. Get EVERYONE'S number. New friends are awesome to find.
Do NOT spend all night talking to the same person. 15 minutes and close. Meet everyone.
How the hell do you get on those guest list? Is it knowing someone or a simple call a head thing or some series of long progressively harder quest that get you on one?
Sometimes it's as simple as checking their website or facebook page and entering your name onto a list online.
Couple of ways....
Get there early and ask the bouncer at the door about what guestlist are and how to get on them.
Talk to the opening DJ. They usually have a facebook page and their own guestlist.
Find a bartender at a slow time. Tip them well and ask them.
Find the promoter for the event and facebook them.
Once you get into the know, you will never pay to get into a place again.
Buy a half pint at the LQ and invest in a small flask. One of these days you'll get caught and thrown out, but that's how it goes when you don't want to pay for drinks.
Where the hell is the jumper cables guy? He needs to get in on this!
If you set a drink down and walk away, never pick that drink back up. Same should be said for accepting drinks from random people.
Bless your heart.
Can I jump in on this, I'm also new to clubbing but am in pretty good shape ( 6' 160). Should I utilize a one handed or two handed clubbing technique and will that effect the club that I buy?
Two handed - if you get enough momentum in your swing, you can crush the skull.
what of I miss? will I have the time to get another shot in before they run away?
If you miss, you could always try letting go of the club and letting its momentum carry it, and trying to jump on the seal and ride it. If you don't succeed in killing it, you have a badass seal-horse.
DAE LE KILL WATER ANIMAL??? XDDD I SHIGGY DIGGY LE NOT PUTTING SRS TAG AMIRITE
Try not to look them directly in the eyes while swinging.
Came for seal clubbing, was not disappointed.
Don't try too hard to impress people. Your first seal will always squirm and fight you, no matter how good you think you are.
cocaine
Clubbing can be expensive, but it doesn't have to be!
Sure, all the other guys might be out with those smooth perfectly weighted clubs with the leather strap. But any old chair leg will do really.
The trick is to wrap the club in a towel first, otherwise you'll damage the pelt.
I usually make sure my club is really durable. When you are clubbing civilians one club may not be enough, as they do break very easily
Make sure there are no polar bears in the area, first off. If you're patient, you can wait for a little one to wander off and get it then. If you want more excitement, take the mother out first and you can have your pick at the whole litter.
OP should have put a serious tag.
If PETA questions you, tell them it was in self defense.
I recommend going for the baby seals first. They have the softest fir and offer the least danger, but be sure to get them while they are seperated from their parents.
Well, aim for the head, don't look it in the eyes before you swing, and use a thin metal hammer to pierce the skull.
Contrary to popular opinion I usually go for the older ones first. It then leaves the young seals dazed, and although the baby seal fur is top notch, I think the size of the adult skins has its own qualities
If your over 25 and go to clubs your a dick. Pubs are cool though.
stop clubbing, baby seals
aaaand reddit is now 100% 13 year olds
Don't do it, it sounds horrible. Stay home and play video games instead.
Be sure to hold the seal by the tail, not the neck, or you might break your thumb.
Aim for the back of the skull/upper spine, also, baby seals are much easier targets.
Source: I'm Canadian
This post has been stammped with the official seal ofapproval
Don't grind up on women, and don't try to talk to them out of the blue. Instead, learn to dance, learn to feel the music, and learn to be in the moment -- not as a means to an end but as an end in itself. Women will notice and come up to you.
Order a long island iced tea with blue curaçao, it glows in neon lights and gets interesting looks
I work at a club. Get a bunch of friends together and pitch in for bottle service. Getting a table will make your experience better. You'll have a home base for just you and your friends to be, no one else will be aloud at your table. You can still dance and get drinks at the bar but having a waitress and own personal space is key. It can be a bit pricey but is really the best way to go about clubbing.
DO NOT LEAVE YOUR DRINK ANYWHERE OUT OF SIGHT. Even if it's in sight be careful, people are sneaky!
Listen: if you haven't gotten at least one friend killed and subsequently replaced them with a younger, hotter model by the end of the night, you have not truly been clubbing. Other tips:
-Sometimes it's necessary to disappear the DJ if they are playing insufficient amounts of Noise. That's just the way it is. Practice your sleeper hold, and bring along some Merzbow.
-Cocaine you can buy is never worth it. The best cocaine is barter cocaine.
-If, following your cocaine-bartering, you find yourself shanghaied into the Neo Brazilian Foreign Legion, just keep your head down and watch your buddy's back. You'll be out in five years with citizenship to an illegal nation-state, a lot of stories you will never be able to bring yourself to tell, and the ability to swear in Portuguese.
-Don't chase the dragon. The dragon is trying to trick you to come to it. Make the dragon chase you - this will give you a higher chance of survival.
-Glowstick fluid is a reasonable replacement for both food and water in times of great need, but only for a week at most - after that, your bones will start to glow bright enough to be seen through your skin.
-When invited for a threeway, make sure that the sexcapades do not devolve into a profane Bacchanalian rite. These have been known to feature cannibalism. If you are into "vore," you may disregard this warning.
-If you see a baby seal on the dance floor, break a leg off a nearby barstool and beat it to death. That "baby seal" you saw was almost certainly a form of psychic parasite that feeds off the tremendous sexual energy of trve clvbbing experiences. Wearing its pelt like a bonnet will give you its powers.
Good luck.
So I'm a bouncer, these are some do's and don't's to having a good night out.
Don't drink too much (classic bouncer tip) but those who get completely buckled end up spewing their guts out, getting banned and ending up under my colourful care in the first aid room
meet friends before going out, going to the club in the hopes of meeting folk is a bad idea, most folk tend to meet up before they go out and stick to that group for the night, random friend coming along doesn't always integrate well, and even worse, you might spend the night by yourself and questioning your popularity.
predrink, clubs are hella expensive, you want to be at your ideal stage of drunk before you get to the club, then only buy drinks slowly to maintain yourself at that level (take this rule in in line with don't get buckled)
don't leave drinks unattended, it's not just spiking which is the worse case scenario, we get fishers who'll steal unattended drink's, and if a drink is unattended, it's likely to get scooped by glass collectors, or, especially if it's a bottle, by me (you see a bottle, I see a weapon)
dancefloor etiquette subsection
be confident even if you can't dance for shit, I've seen the dorkiest motherfuckers doing the stupidest moves, but it looks good cause they're confident about their stupid moves, they've go their stupid moves down, I've seen good lookin motherfuckers seem awkward as fuck cause they know they can't dance and it shows.
don't bring your drinks on the dancefloor, doesn't matter how stable you think you are, (and you could be jack sparrow levels of competent at not spilling your drinks) some prick will knock into you, spilled drinks are also the main cause of aggro>fights in a club, so down it before you get on the floor.
watch your space, if you're knocking into people with those confident dance moves, you can bet I'm coming onto the floor to knock the wind out of your sails a little and tell you to calm down, again, just preventing people getting aggro and causing fights.
Hope this helps you guys out, if you're wanting more I'm happy to expand on any of these points, also happy to post a bouncers guide to not getting kicked out AKA: don't be a prick mate.
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so you meaning like, you're out with a group of 5 friends, and you've got another random mate coming along who only knows you?
[deleted]
so, depending on the club, if there's quiet space, don't try cracking the whole group at once, just find little chances to have 1 on 1 chats with people, find something you can both relate to, get friendly with individuals and you'll be friendly with the group, is your best bet.
if you're not having much luck with the group as a whole, you should at least find one other person you can be friendly with
(Night Clubbing)
Tip 1: Ease off the weekly clubbing after your mid twenties. I don't know about other areas, but if you're older than 30 and you're a regular... you might gain the respect of a small handful of other regulars, but mostly everyone else will assume you're a lonely man-child without a healthy social life.
Tip 2: It's not impossible to meet a "special someone" to date long-term in a club environment... but the odds are stacked against you if that's your goal. Most people girls I've met, and slept with, from a club were not looking for anything with strings attached. I did somehow manage to have a decently long relationship with a girl I met at one of my regular destinations, but that was a fluke.
Tip 3: If you're looking to "get respect" by becoming a regular patron, or by gaining influence with people who hold a lot of swing at that particular venue... just stop and reconsider your goal. There was a time when everyone knew me, and I was well liked by all the regulars at the places I used to go. The problem is, as I got older, so did my club friends. Eventually, I went to these places only to see one or two familiar faces, but a ton of complete strangers. I was back at square 1, and it all comes back to my first tip.
Basically, don't become that 30 year old "creepy guy" who hangs around 18-21 year old kids, while all your real life friends have families and you're sitting in a club hoping to find an old friend... or looking for a girl to ease your loneliness.
But if you're just looking to go to a club every once in a while to get out of the house and have fun, just go up and talk to people. Compliment girls on their shoes or dress. Don't be cookie cutter. Don't randomly go up to a girl and dance with her randomly. Just be a person and have fun.
TL;DR - I had a really wild ride during my 20s clubbing phase... now I'm a tad jaded.
You need to make sure to hit the seals as hard as you can on the very top of their heads.
Do not listen to these people.
1 always take a nap before you go out
2 wear appropriate attire
3 always bring cash
4 blood will splatter sometimes
5 you may get into fights with locals
6 try to have fun
Use drugs
You're all so fucking predictable. Not funny. I await your downvotes.
The raunchy stench of the circle jerk happening in here is wafting across the entire front page. Open a window or something.
Reconsider. Find a group of friends that know how to have fun without clubbing. It gets old and expensive and you'll very quickly become irresponsible.
Step 1. Find Baby Seal
Step 2. Place Baby Seal in bag
Step 3. Club
Step 4. ???
Step 5. Profit
As a Canadian I think i'm more than qualified to answer this.
First you need to find a club, it doesn't really matter what kind but preferably at least 1ft in length could be wood or just about any sturdy material.
Now you want to find yourself a seal, the best ones are the baby ones for that delicious seal meet and soft white fur. All you have to do is come up behind them, grab them by the tail and hit them over the back of the head and there you go! You are now a clubber!
EDIT: Eh?
PM me for details on how to go after a larger seal.
Clubber lang taught me how to club
You want it to be a quick hit and very clean. The pelt is the best thing, so aiming for the head is best as it allows you to both preserve the meat and the pelt....
Unless you want the head. You sicko.
Leverage is your friend. It's all about getting a proper grip to maximize your clubbing experience.
Also, if you're a local in Miami, several of the clubs have locals cards (usually called something like a Platinum Card) that will get you discounts on drinks, occasionally free bottles, and let you skip the lines to get in. Ask a bartender for an application.
Edit: Tried to play along while offering actual advice. FML.
There's no seals in Miami, mate.
No, but baby manatees are worth just as much.
ITT: everyone making the same unoriginal joke. I actually kinda wanted to hear some real tips...
im sorry op
Next time title. "Any Advice for people who want to hit the club?"
[deleted]
Why?
I am a proud member of the seal cub clubbing club
[deleted]
Truth.
Although you might think everyone's there for common profit (or pleasure), there's some assholes who'll try to take advantage of the other clubbers out on the ice. If you're new, make sure you go with a friend and keep in shouting range of one or two other hunters. Wear a warm coat and keep your valuables in inside pockets.
And make sure your phone's on vibrate; a call at the wrong time could spook the seal.
i love you reddit, keep being you.
for your first you should try and go for the upscale oak or teak clubs. they tend to last longer than ones made of balsa wood or even plywood. the second advantage is that upscale clubs tend to be easier to clean after a night of heavy clubbing. it's generally poor clubbing etiquette to go out with last night's mess all up on your club.
try it out first before deciding on expensive decals. it's nice that your club has a swastika on it but if your club breaks and the swastika ends up looking like a number 4 you know Bert is gonna come looking for you.
remember whatever you do, have flub
First rule of clubbing, don't talk about clubbing
Kiss from a rose by seal is a great song to club to.
I'm honestly glad this thread is full of shitty jokes because I was all ready to feel bad about my social life because I literally don't know what nightclubs are apart from the fact that I'm probably not allowed in.
Are you talking about clubbing as in hitting the ceiling, or clubbing as in hitting the sealing?
I thought I was in the juggling subreddit for a minute there.
This is officially my favorite thread on reddit because it so perfectly captures the true nature of a redditor.
/r/bestof
Don't tell Peta. For whatever reason they hate clubbing.
Don't go clubbing
ITT: monsters
Don't stick your dick in a tree!
Lol at how few comments this has. OP, you have found Reddit's weakness.
Name brand stuff isn't always important. You can go cheap clubs too. Just as good.
Just be careful doing the walk of shame in the morning, you'll feel guilty but you don't need others to help with that.
Besides carrying the carcass to the garbage might be a crime in some places.
Don't overdo it if you're worried about injuring your mind.
Personally I like to pregame it. Not too much so I'm reckless, but just enough so I my arms don't get as sore while swinging my club.
"Why is this fairly boring question on the front page? ...oh, it has another possible meaning. I guess reddit is creaming itself over how clever it is in the comments."
Its simple...dont go.
Seal Clubber Lang : [screaming] You tell that seal to come here! Nobody can beat me! You tell him what I said! And he's NEXT! I'm gonna kill him! Nobody can stop me! You tell that seal! I'M COMING AFTER HIM! YOU TELL HIM!
Swing away, Merrill.
Aim for the back of the head. The face just doesn't knock them out as fast.
Don't go clubbing
Pro tip 101: take lots of mdma
Somewhere out there, theres a small alaskan child thinking "finally, a thread for me.
Just try to relax, be yourself, and let the music carry you away as you're swinging.
I need help if i go clubbing XD the seals there grind on me
I can't decide if I love or hate all of you right now
I got you OP, all the puns should have just been under one comment. your username is DickInATree so I assume you are male. Clubbing is fairly simple, just go somewhere where you like the music. Dancing is easy, don't over think it or be shy about. Just move your body to the beat. Doesn't have to be fancy. Don't offer a girl a drink with the strongest liquor (unless she asks for it); it makes you look like an asshole. If you buy a girl a drink don't assume she owes you a conversation. Look out for the bitches who just like to get guys to buy them drinks. Not sure what else you want to know.
This is not front page worthy.
I was a bouncer for a few years and I came up with a master plan when I was younger if you want to know about the other kind of clubbing.
Otherwise, I recommend the pistol club.
http://www.thefirearmblog.com/blog/2015/05/08/potd-smith-wesson-model-10-with-billy-club-attachment/
I feel like the way you phrased the question you were asking for it. But at the same time I find it so lame when everyone does this. Sure, a few posts is funny. Maybe upvote the one guy who makes the joke and make that the top comment and then that's that. But that's just not how it works here
You get drunk before the club (but not so much that they don't let you in! Gotta keep it cool). The drinks inside are to keep your buzz going.
Water, water, water.
Keep yourself hydrated.
Play the fishing minigame whenever you have time. 150 per fish is easy money and can go a long way. Alternatively, practise mancala until it's practically theft when you dace someone under pro level.
Not saying this is the wrong place for that question, but this is the wrong place for that question.
Every day there is a meme on the front page along the lines of "Didn't have to be social today! Yay! DAE SOCIALLY AWKWARD?!" What makes you think Reddit would know?
There is nothing to know. The only advice I can give is: Know what you want from the bar before the bartender acknowledges you and don't make an ass of yourself. That's it.
http://i.imgur.com/dgXHeAE.jpg
Dress well. Collared shirts and no sneakers.
Never start a tab. You'll end up spending way more than if you just pay per drink and you don't have to worry about forgetting your card.
Calm.The.Fuck.Down.
Don't mess with the bouncers. They are harder to hit. Find a seal that is lower energy or perhaps a sleeping one.
when you see a pretty one, don't be shy and walk up to her. If you don't try, you're not gonna get any...
The trick is making sure that the clubee isn't evading your hits. In order to do this, taking a bite or two out of the seal will instill fear and 70% of the time will keep your victim still.
This thread is a good thread.
Haha jokes about killing innocent animals. You people are disgusting shitlords.
Speak softly, and carry a big stick.
Pick one.
Don't go clubbing
Clubbers... are we talking about you know... Clubbing baby seals... Clubbing humans (I closer relate myself to a Neanderthal then to a human...) or Dance clubs... I'm really not sure.
Be attractive.
Don't be unattractive.
It's all about smelling good, that way when you find a good group they will be attracted too you immediately and you can then club them when they aren't expecting it.
Know where the baby seals hang out!
This is so stupid, i guess no one here actually goes to clubs
Remember that if you get cold while clubbing your butt cheeks are natures body warmers, also penguins are free game.
Dress for the landscape. Seals won't see you coming
Wallet in the back pocket, money in the front.
Never 'squat' while waiting in line, always stand.
Buy a black light for your house, check yourself in it before you leave for lint, also compare how your outfit looks.
If you smoke, buy extra cigarettes, people are gonna bum.
Never ever leave your drinks unattended. Ever. Boys & girls.
If you are at a rave and it gets busted instantly drop anything you have illegal on the floor and don't look back. Calmly, evenly and without turning around when called walk to the exit and leave. Never run, act like you are supposed to be there. I have walked away more than once, never busted.
Conversely when leaving an event always look down, you will find amazing things left behind.
If you are driving do not park in the clubs parking lot, or one or two streets over if it is safe. It makes leaving much easier.
Don't ever fucking wear Axe body spray. Ever.
Have fun, if you make eye contact, don't shy away, smile.
Have a sober way home or a blanket and pillow in the trunk.
:)
Bring a lot of cocaine if you want to have some fun. It also gives you energy to keep swinging if the first few don't do the job.
LEAVE THE UNDERWEAR AT HOME.... COMMANDO.IS.THE.WAY.TO.GO
Don't try ecstasy. You will like it too much, and than waste the next few years of your life taking it somewhat often and partying too much.
Actual tips for going to a club (a real club, nothing to do with seals)
Tip 1: Always have your money in your hand when you approach the bar. Make sure the bartender sees it. This lets them know you're ready to purchase a drink at that second and you'll get served quicker. If you're just going to get one drink and not planning on returning to the bar, you can put a $100 bill in your hand which will get the bartender's attention real quick. Then order your drink, and pay with a smaller bill.
Tip 2: a club is so loud that conversations dont really happen. In a club, a smile and a confident approach will get you everywhere. It's not like anyone can hear you talk. If you want to dance with someone, come up to them, smile, and motion to go out on the dance floor
Tip 3: Never approach a girl and offer her a drink you already have in your hand. This one is common sense.
Tip 4: If theres a line to get inside, talk to the bouncer and give him a tip to let you cut it. Usually $20 a head works. If you're with ladies, this makes you look great since they don't have to stand in line in uncomfortable heels any longer than they need to.
Tip 5: Pregame before you go to the club. Drinks are fucking expensive. Club drinks arent to get drunk, they're to stay drunk.
Tip 6: Don't get to the club when it opens. In fact, don't get to the club for at least two hours after it opens. Thats when the real party starts. There is nothing lamer then getting to a club and having no one there.
Tip 7: Have a designated meeting spot if you and your friends get separated. Clubs are so loud that you won't be able to hear your phone.
The fuck are these seal jokes? Pls halp
Bottle bitches move from table to table drinking everyone's bottles. Kick them in their cunts and tell them to get the fuck on up outta here.
Dance, dance like no one is looking, because they aren't. Oh and drink. Go to the smokers even if you don't smoke, someone will be selling something you want.
Don't wait in the line. Walk up to the bouncer and tell him you forgot to close out your tab. Instant access.
Aim for the back of the neck, and use single, forceful strikes.
Do people even club anymore? isn't that 90's stuff
Quit now while you still have money in your bank account...
dont drink as much as other people especially if youre a small girl
always have a dd or be ready to cab it
getting rejected is fine.. youll probably never meet again and no one is watching. nothing wrong with taking a swing and missing
keep it on the dl, a lot of animal protection agencies will probably come after you
kill that baby in one foul swoop if possible
seal the deal
Don't!
Get that seal right on the head, else they squirm and squeak.
Don't refer to it as clubbing.
Hate to be a downer...
Never take an offered drink from a stranger..at the very least it should be sealed (male or female). My girlfriend and another close friend were roofied at the bar when a guy offered to get them each a cup of water. Luckily they realized it and GTFO.
I must've missed something. I went through way too many comments before I realized this was some kind of joke.
I don't get clubbing. It seems like a hobby for people with no hobbies.
But then they do have a hobby?
I just don't get it. I'd rather go to something like a hookah lounge if I want to meet random people. What's the attraction of getting drunk and dancing to random music in a clusterfuck of people?
Shit, it was cool when I was 17 to probably 22. After that it got old. I went to Vegas a lot though.
Yea I mean I'm not trying to down it or anything, I just don't get it. I'm 21 and technically introverted though so I'm sure that's a part of it.
Pregame.
Something, something, Bagger Vance, Seals.
This is the Scotland thread all over again.
Aim for the head.
It's all in the hips. That's where the power comes from.
If you're gonna do drugs don't buy them at the venue and make sure you can afford the water if its not free.
Try holding with both hands.
Save your money...don't go clubbing
Well the most part of the clubs in my country you have to pay a minimum, so when you are there just remember you are paying to be there so try to have the most fun you can.
This thread turned out exactly like I had expected.
Swing hard, swing often.
Fine here's some actual advice. Pretend it's a big house party and everybody is a friend of a friend. Introduce yourself, talk to some people. Have fun. Definitely enjoy the music, be polite, don't be a douchebag.
As a guy, don't buy a drink for any girl who you feel might ditch you right away. You gotta protect that investment.
Man this made me laugh too hard :p
Girls, never leave your drink unattended. And it's ok to be friendly to guys who aren't that good looking.
Guys, get out an mingle. Don't just stand there leaning with a drink in your hand. It makes it weird when you just stare.
Couples. If your partner dances, and you don't, let your partner dance with someone else. They'll be happy and they're going home with you.
I'm seriously disgusted by this. OP wants to kill defenceless animals and people are giving tips and suggestions. Unsubbed.
came here to make a seal clubbing joke, found out i was too late, way too late
Aim for the back of the skull. It's thinner there.
You should know how to dance, maybe even take some classes to get the basics down. The dexterity and feeling for rythm will really help smashing seal skulls in.
I also have a [serious] answer along the same line in case anybody is intrested.
take mdma
Tip 1: don't be attractive
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=ACkEugMxFvk
Am I missing something here? Why are some of you talking about seals? 😕😟
I'm much more of a BLT'er myself. Turkey is for bitches.
ITT: Everyone thinks they're hilarious.
Molly...lots and lots of Molly.
Honestly just get drunk, don't give a shit about anything around you, and dance your ass off. Of course, don't be an asshole and hit any baby penguins around you. If you're feeling extra cold, bring a harpoon and go whaling...seals are faster and harder to club. Whales provide more blubber and fat folds to stick your club into. Cheers!
If "kiss from a rose" isn't on repeat, it's not even worth going to.
fuck you OP
If you see a pretty girl, don't be afraid to go up to her and talk with her. She's probably new to clubbing too and you can show her how to hold the club.
This thread is a joke...
None of you have the right technique
I prefer baseball bats than actual caveman clubs. Bats are easier to handle and I can use them with great accuracy. Besides that, it's all in the wrist and footing.
Don't: get waisted, start fights, mouth off to the bouncer, freak out on someone if they bump into you and spill your beer, stand in the corner and stare at pretty girls dancing awkwardly, take rejection personally.
DO; go with friends. Talk to girls. Try and have a good time.
If your having a good time with your friends girls will come naturally.
Do;
Get a time machine and go to the early to mid 2000's when clubbing was a good time.
This is as good as when reddit trolled the guy who accidently set his reddit to Spanish
Baby seals are the easiest
Respect yourself and the others around you. Confidence. Don't be shy.
The most important point to remember in clubbing is not to break the seal too early - the pelts are worth much more without tears.
Give the baby seals a head start - it's more sporting that way.
If you've only experienced American clubs I highly recommend you try out some European ones. I've heard some people say they can be a little too fancy but I think you can never be too stylish when wacking out seals.
Be yourself, have fun, and you'll feel confident. People are attracted to that kind of confidence.
Baby don't hurt me...
Nothing wrong with clubbing, but think this is a question for a site with a different demographic, perhaps you should try Facebook. I say that because I'm willing to bet that your friends are the type of people that also would be interested in clubbing baby seals into a dead and bloody pulp.
Swinging
Don't call it "clubbing".
Make sure you pick the right club. I recommend the book club, this way the seal can learn something as you beat it to death.
Make sure the club is solid and doesn't have any structural problems before hitting your first seal.
You look a lot more awkward just standing there instead of dancing.
Just move your body and have fun!
Didn't see this mentioned, but if you want drugs, buy them from your trusted drug dealer and bring them there. People make a living selling fake drugs that slightly mimic the effects of what you think your taking. There's been too many times I got something speedy and a little numbing that isn't coke just because I was too lazy/didn't have time to pick up beforehand. People will sell you anything that will give you a buzz if they think they can make a buck off you.
Don't buy drugs from people you don't know.
Real advice here. Chose a club that plays music you like and are comfortable to dance to. Don't be afraid to dance by yourself and build your self confidence. Little by little the club will be the place you feel the most confident and people (especially girls) will notice
I get the word play, but is the idea of murdering defenseless creatures really that funny? Scoping out a club, via its website or talking with someone who has been, can be very helpful to make sure you don't end up in the wrong club for you.
Avoid clubs and stick to dive bars
If you are looking to buy a drink, and you are a guy, get the cash out of your wallet ahead of time and hold it in the air. The bartender will know you are ready to go and will be fast to pay and will go to you sooner rather than later. It also helps to top large for your first drink. They will remember if they are good, and most are good. You dont have to wait after that. Always end the night with water.
If you have no rhythm, drink until you do.
Don't be the guy holding up the wall.
Most clubs don't take too kindly to dudes dancing on their stages. Chicks only.
Tip the bartender for stronger drinks.
The bouncers always win.
Just because you're grinding all up on a chick doesn't mean she wants your hands down her pants. If in fact she does want your hands down her pants, always sniff test before you decide "she's the one...tonight."
When in doubt drink more. Don't be a fuckin idiot, bring a DD or call a cab.
Edit: ecstasy is pretty awesome.
Rule #1: don't talk about club club
Don't
WHAT DID THE SEALS DO TO YOU
YOU BASTARD
Aim for the head. Baby seals are the best.
Use a 9 iron. Better results.
Bring lots of drugs. The easiest seal to bag is an unconscious seal.
Aceaşi glumă este scrisă lafel de fiecare dată dar e puțin schimbată. E perfectă pentru Reddit!
Drink water, always give it your all on the dancefloor, and have fun.
Experiment with sobriety
Find the beatz you like and check out the forums for the best clubs in your area. Pro tip, be nice to promoters and DJ's. They are gate keepers. They can hook you up with guest lists and passes. They can also fill you in on all the exclusive after parties. Don't be wall flower, don't be that drunk guy, know your limit, keep it respectful and have a good time. But probably the best piece of advice don't bother the DJ. Also steer clear of club hags. You can spot them fishing for drinks and flirting with everyone including the furniture. They are easier to spot once they start falling on their ass around midnight. Now get out there and clear the dance floor. lol
"If you're over 25 and you're in a club you're a dick" -Jim Jefferies
Dance, not to get laid, but because it's really, really fun.
As someone who thought he hated clubs for the twelve years during which I could probably have most enjoyed them, my 32 year old self can now admit that I was just scared and awkward and blamed the club scene for making me feel bad. Meanwhile I went dancing two years ago, discovered I'd grown up a lot and suddenly realized no one else knows what they're doing either, not because everyone's incompetent but because there aren't really any rules (that aren't really obvious). Now I've got like twenty minutes left before I'm the old guy on the scene.
And, as a fun bonus, people who are obviously having fun and are comfortable in their own (or a fine baby seal's) skin lend them selves to certain other successes as well.
Quick someone make a post about clubbing seals so we can switch it up.
https://youtu.be/M7O8RS3uCVA?t=14s this thread
dress in white, be materialist as fuck, pretend you always liked house music, learn new terms like ''jackin house''
and your halfway there.... the other half are good people looking for the music they genuinely like to dance to.
:) be yourself bro and have fun
Get drunk before you go.There is nothing worse than being in the club sober.
Get a life.
...seals?
Don't go
Am I too late for a baby seal joke?
Swing with tour shoulders. Spin from the hip if needed.
Seal joke
if you're a girl, just go to the bathroom
you will meet 5 new best friends for the rest of the night and it will be the best
if you're a guy, don't sneak up behind me when im dancing and put your paws on my hips without making your fucking presence known first. god dammit guys seriously
Go to club, hit on hot sluts, fuck hot sluts, that's all there is to it. Drink the whole time, and make them drink to.
Try to learn dances, brand new dances, like the atomic bomb.
I've run some of the hottest nightclubs in NYC. It has been an insane amount of work and I really haven't had any free time for years. Hitting seals seams like a great way to relax. Thanks for starting this thread and opening my eyes to a fresh hobby.
Lots of money ...
Gonna give you a serious answer because I fucked up so badly the first time I went clubbing and embarrassed myself. Also going to assume you are a dude based off of username. Most important thing is dress. Wear black dress shoes and a button up or button down along with nice dark blue jeans. This is the standard dress at most clubs and you'll feel more at ease if you fit in. (can check yelp, sometimes it gets fancier or the club has a particular style.) As far as dancing - don't bob your head too violently, don't swing your arms around too much, don't move too fast. You can start off not dancing and just get a feel for the rhythm of everyone around you. Don't copy the dance moves from the guy next to you but you can observe others and draw some inspiration for later on after you feel comfortable moving around rhythmically. It should be enjoyable once you've eased into it and can ride the crowd's waves of enthusiasm as the music rises and falls. Hope this helps!
Once you've got a nice buzz and have spotted your target walk right up behind them, grab them seductively by the waist and beat them over the head until you can see brains.
Watch your fucking money. First time I went out I spent $200 without caring. Very easy to lose money if you don't limit yourself.
Seal's ears are ringing real bad ...
Looks like OP got the answers he wanted
Always watch your drink.
Just act as fake as possible and you'll fit right in.
Just fuckin dance. People are attracted by energy
Choke up until you're used to the weight.
https://www.reddit.com/r/AskReddit/comments/3ijs36/seriousclubbers_of_reddit_nightclubs_not_killing/
when guys smile in clubs on the. Dance floor it's unattractive/creepy, the opposite applies at the bar
Note to self: don't come to reddit for advice on "clubbing"...or many other things for that matter.
Never set your drink down. There are some horrible opportunists in this world.
I like to get a little tipsy when I go clubbing, to loosen up. Next, find your target and look her directly in the eyes. As soon as she blinks bring the club down on her head as hard as possible. This is a painless method for knocking out seals. Make sure you have a designated driver, or sober up before heading back to town with your haul.
ITT: Seals
Watch your drink always. Never leave it alone for a second. Cuz it only takes a second to drop a roofie and then you're screwed in all ways. Buddy up. Find a good wingman/wingwoman and a good DD. You need someone who can haul you while you're drunk from clubbing.
Plus the blood makes it hard to grab the steering wheel.
Be careful with the larger seals, they can get very agressive when attacking their children
I haven't the faintest idea why this thread is full of clubbing baby seal posts, but it makes a nice read nonetheless.
Get a life?
Depends on your goals, chasing girls/guys, getting fucked up, watching people get fucked up, instigating drama/fights, dancing, bumpin and grindin, after hours food.
I spent many years downtown, for fun and for work (bouncing), even met my now wife drunk outside a club eating a cheese dog from a hot dog cart at 3am.
I have many many awesome and terrible stories, but as far as advice, the best tip i can give you is, if you are the oldest person there, its time to stop, if you're not, enjoy it while you're young.
I am going to define a club as anywhere that allows dancing, further, I am going to assume you are going to this club to dance.
Thus, find a club you enjoy the music. If you don't enjoy the music, you're not gonna have the best time. Clubs were originally meant as places to enjoy music and dancing. In the past ten years or so, dancing has become strongly associated with trying to have sex, so dancing and clubs have a bad reputation. Dancing should be about having fun with friends.
If this is not the case, go with a large group and be careful about the bouncers. Most people going to clubs are men, trying to find women, and bouncers know this. Often bouncers will charge the guys and let the girls walk in. As a guy, I find women to have their guard up due to the overwhelming number of men hitting on them, again men who are looking for dancing/sex. If you're looking to impress, bring a girl and her friends, and enjoy yourself and your time with her. If you're looking for sex, you're not going to find it there. You are much more likely to find it with the group you came with.
Dancing/sex aside, clubs can be an awesome time. You can find out about new artists, meet cool people and go wild. I discovered vast dimensions of myself and had insurmountable memories well past four in the morning. It's really not about the club and more about you and your friends. Having a great squad can mean a world of difference, so if you're current group aren't regular club goers, try to find a group that goes out frequently and go with them.
I am hoping that within the next five to ten years, dancing will return to its natural state. A state where men are comfortable dancing, and women are comfortable dancing without men running up to them constantly/grinding on them. Clubs should be about new and upcoming music, and promoting fresh artists.
TL;DR you and your friends are more important than the place.
Get a hotel within walking distance of downtown.
Not really sure what kind of "tips" I can provide, but I was a promoter for 5 years. I eventually switched to actual clubbing because just talking about it didn't soothe my bloodlust.
Get a life?
Lol seal clubbing jokes aside, I'm really surprised no one's mentioned this but do not leave your drink unattended.
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=063wANsIjmE
I thought I was finally gonna have my witty unoriginal comment....nope
I can't go any deeper.
DONT FORGET THE LUBE
Go in a big group of guys and just stand around in a circle talking to each other. This seems to be the norm.
Go to a bar. If u must go to a club, dont get roofied. Watch your drinks. Not that this doesn't apply at bars..
Wouldn't consider myself a "clubber" but I wouldn't be out of place at one. While the seal jokes are funny I'll give you a serious answer :P People have already said this but the main thing is just be yourself and have fun. If you can just not give a shit about what others think while still being nice and considerate mind you...people are attracted to that attitude of I'm just going to have a good time and I don't really need to impress anyone. This is me time, ima do what I want and like it.
Just don't go. It's a soul sucking place.
definitely don't take anything there
I'm high on painkillers from surgery and this thread has just killed me.
don't drink and drive
Sandpaper is your best friend.
A baby seal walks into a club
I hate nightclubs, so I was pleasantly surprised to find out most people here share my love for beating seals with clubs.
It totally depends on whether you're a drug, or a drink person.
Like with any healthy activity, you have to feel it. You're going to feel it in your feet, and your legs. It'll work its magic in your hips and your torso. A good experience is a full body workout.
Because you want to get as much into that first experience. Everything after will have a diminished return. Clubbing a seal with a frozen fish is highly discouraged.
Make sure you club the baby seal BEFORE you get an erection .
remember to dress appropriately... and don't let the EU know, they've already banned seal skins
There have been a few general replys that might be helpful, not involving baby seal killing. It tends to depend though on what type of club/music you are going to.
If I was going to a club to listen to metal/punk it would be totally different than going to a club with my gf for drum and bass.
Don't.
Murder seals.
Don't be drunker than the girl you hook up with.
ITT Canadians
As a girl, I go to clubs with my girl friends to dance and have fun. I don't like drinking too much, and it really doesn't do much other than make me sleepy so I often go to clubs and don't drink at all. I had the most fun when I went with couple good friends EARLY to clubs where it's not crowded at all yet, and just survey the club and chat with bartenders and get in the groove. I don't go after midnight because then I can't dance at all because too many people around me, spilling drinks and stepping on me, and random guys trying to grope me. Last time I went to Ruby Skye on a Friday night with coworkers when no big name DJ was playing. We stayed in the smaller upstairs room where they played hip hop. Used to like EDM but can't stand mediocre DJs playing the same banging beats over and over again. Only a few ppl were dancing there but my coworker and I just started dancing to the best like no one is watching and within 10 mins, about 10 people joined us and we made a dance circle. We basically started the party. It was really fun. I enjoy guys' attention but it seriously turn me off when guys try to grind on me. It's hard to find guys who can actually dance in a club... Sigh
Aim for a spot 2-3 feet behind what you are trying to club. You want to swing well through your target.
If you are a girl be prepared for every guy hitting on you on the dance floor
If you are a guy be hitting on every girl because law of averages, someone is bound to go home with you.
Not much to it. Most important thing is to make sure you pre at a nearby place to save money on drinks.
Go to a pub.Have a pint with friends who can hear you speak.
Make sure dress nicely and make yourself look presentable; baby seals often recoil in fear and flee at the sight of an unsightly clubber.
Don't.
Enough about seal clubbing. What about that dead horse?
I don't go to them much. When I do it's just turn up, dance butt off, leave. It's a fading culture, so try them before they all disappear. At least you'll know what they were like.
And here I almost skipped over this thread since I'm not into going to night clubs.
I should know better by now.
In all seriousness, stay away from night clubs. The people are fake, the drinks are shit/overpriced, the music is crap and the dance floor is full of STDs. I've never met a person of substance at a club.
You'd have a much better time finding a proper bar. If you like dancing, there are plenty of bars that have dance floors.
I really only know about the scene here in Alaska, so I don't know if I could help you. I've heard that it's possible to find good clubbing in Newport Harbor in California.
DO NOT go clubbing with Aaron Hernandez.
This thread has shed new light on clubbing for me. Thanks!
Maybe I've gone to different clubs, but it's just music at a body vibrating volume and everyone kinda shares the zone and jellyfishes around, if that makes sense. Definitely not a place to meet people and have intelligent conversations, but very enjoyable to go with friends.
I realized when i finished typing that this thread took on an entirely different form. Sorry, OP.
New York’s hottest club is: Slash This place has everything: Glass, steam, bear traps, and just when you think the fun is over – knock knock, who’s there? It’s Black George Washington! All that, and a party room filled with human bathmats. Human bathmats you ask? It’s that thing when midgets have dreadlocks, and they lay face down on the floor.
Take up smoking...
Even just social smoking, or maybe even vaporizing... Met tons of great people that way.
It's all fun and games but beware of rampant alcoholism.
I came here to give OP advice about partying, nightclubs but turns out OP was asking about clubbing seals.
Way to go OP, not specifying you want the gory clubbing. :P
Stay home. Spotify some stuff. Get 'Pro' in rocket league.
Be drunk
Stay home and netflix and chill instead.
There are some very active but controversial communities out there that can give you pickup tips while you're clubbing. If you want to cut out all the bullshit and debate, you really just want to focus on a few moves. Mostly you want to be confident, relaxed, and lift with the knees not your back or you may injure yourself while picking up the seal after it's clubbed.
Forget the club. Go see some live music.
Don't go near anyone's drink
The right mix of drugs. MDMA or amphetamines, alcohol or a benzo, and of course weed. If you're feeling brave you could try some LSD. Any of these given to the seal will make it easier to kill as it won't be as afraid when it's high as fuck going through the cosmos.
If you're a guy, wear a bra lined with neon lights, one of the best people I ever met at a rave was this dude named mike with a neon bra. Never got his phone number though :/
Stay home and go to school.
Here I was hoping to get some good advice.
Too many kids trying to be hilarious by parroting basically the same joke.
Hey, just make sure you have a good group of friends to go with that you would have fun with in any social situation, also predrinking together helps build anticipation for the night.
A lot of people in this thread are making jokes, but I'll answer the question honestly just in case OP wanted a real answer.
I live in Las Vegas, one of the biggest nightclub scenes in the world. The best advice I have is to go with friends, not give a shit about what anyone there thinks, and have fun. Drink responsibly, and take a cab/uber/lyft/whatever if you need to. It's always a fun time because we get some of the biggest DJ's in the world to play and because we're locals we always have a table. Being in college here and knowing people that work at the nightclubs helps a lot too, but as far as clubbing "rules" go there really aren't any. There have been a LOT of times where we're just minding our own business having fun and other people strike up conversations with us. As long as you look like you're having fun (by actually having fun that is) then people are more interested and want to join in on the fun. Don't be the creepy guy who hits on every girl nonstop or grabs them and tries to dance on them without saying a word, or if you're a girl don't get super wasted and throw up on the floor or be obnoxious and stand on tables and booths with your shoes off yelling. Just go with friends and have fun. Also, the best deal is to car bar. Just get hammered outside before you go in and you'll save a ton of money on drinks.
Try to make friends with the bartenders and bouncers, learn their names and use them when you talk. Tip well, and just try to have fun. Don't worry about what other people think, because they are too worried about what you think to actually give a shit about what you look like or do.
Don't give a fuck. If a girl doesn't dance with you it's not your fault. Just take happy pills like ecstasy and take shots.
1: do coke 2: don't not do coke
Pm if you want an actual answer.
I go to clubs(edm) and enjoy it a lot. Learning to dance isn't hard as there are simple stuff that can make you look flashy
It's been years since I went to nightclubs, but they sucked for me until I completely threw out the objective of hooking up and became a regular at a place where I went mainly to dance, by myself or with someone, where I became friends with other regulars who were there mainly for the dancing. That lasted for a while until the Underground House scene emerged, and I started going to those events. I guess I'd add that trying too hard stinks of desperation and is almost a guarantee of failure to have fun; I don't think that changes over time.
Loud music is for dancing. Soft music is to talk with ppl. Choose wisely when you wanna go out.
You either go alone, or with 5+ people. Either way is win, The first because no one can label you but yourself, the latter because so many people have your back
Never set your drink anywhere!
Don't talk to the weird people.
Clubbing is best when it's followed by smashing.
This kills the baby seal.
Wear shoes at all times.
Frankly, a pair of jumper cables is enough to get the job done without to much trouble.
pretend you are in the music video
Leave it to reddit to take a mediocre at best joke and pet it until it is nothing but a pile of dust.
dONT BOTHER.
Catch a cab or uber.
If you've been drinking, don't fucking drive
If you've been doing drugs, don't fucking drive
Doesn't matter if you "got it" or have "done it a hundred times" it only takes once to end your life, or more likely, the life of anyone in the car with you
Source: dead friends and even recently in Honolulu a jeep full of 5 kids under 21 flipped and they all were ejected from the vehicle. driver lived
Bring protection. You never know what will happen out there on the ice.
Make sure you check your area for loose seals. And also make sure to show your awards from Army. They really lend a hand in the clubbing process.
Expect to dance. 90% of people don't go to a club to sit around. Also make sure you check to see if it's a special occasion night first like a paint party or foam party etc so you can dress appropriately
the trick is to be on drugs.
i'm 100% serious.
Make sure it really locks into your steering wheel.
Remember follow through. Axe motion if you want to break the crown and tennis racquet motion if you want to mess with the jaw. Also, if you do the tennis racquet swing remember to "squish the bug"
Be annoying as fuck.
Most clubs don't have very good music, so it's important to bring some headphones to play your own music, and drown out the sounds of the baby seals.
Make sure you TIP YOUR BARTENDERS! It can mean the difference between a good drink and dish water with ice cubes.
If you are cheap or don't plan to drink, keep your ass home. No one wants you there and you are literally just taking up room for someone who will actually spend money.
Remember to take ecstacy
I've learned to not go into a club expecting to hook up with a girl. Just try to have fun, get drunk, and dance, and then the girls will come to you
Isn't this just for douchebags that have a lot of money from daddy or drug dealing?
Don't be a dick. Figure out what your limits are and don't overdo it. You're friends are clubbing with you and they deserve to have a good time as much as you. No one wants to babysit a grown adult who'll run off or go home with the wrong person because they can't handle their drink and get like ten shots. There is potential for serious danger or ruining everyone's night (which also sucks due to the money involved), so don't think of it as your night to get fucked up.
Montreal?
ALWAYS USE PROTECTION. Let's face it no one has mentioned suiting up for the final act. I mean this whole song and dance is a whole charade centered around obtaining one thing. So when it comes time..remember wrap up to avoid mixing bodily fluids. /r/Frugal hint: use the skin of your last conquest to fashion protection for your next!
Yeah, you gotta make sure that seal blood doesn't get all over your cuts.
clubbers...yeah specificity was needed. but don't forget your CC at the bar (this is from experience, it makes the next day difficult) don't try and outdrink everyone there. have a good time, enjoy the music, dance, and above all else interact with the opposite sex
Be a peacock. Wear something that will make you stand out and set you apart from other clubbers. This will get the attention of your target. All you have to do is to wait for your target to approach you.
Baby seals are exceptionally drawn to large, shiny accessories. Put rhinestones on your club for maximum effect.
ITT: Baby seals.
The best clubbing advice is look at the movie Blade during the club scene. See how much blood is there? Ok, now imagine that clubbing a seal is 10 times worst.
Don't be afraid to dance! Practice your moves in the mirror when you're alone if you need to. When you kill your first seal, you'll want to look good when you celebrate.
I've been out clubbing only a few times, but I think I still have a little tip to add. When clubbing always bring a girl along, the seal is more likely to let you club
Everyone thinks it'll be just like it is on TV and movies, but its much more casual. Just last week I met a girl who was in to braining seals to death.
Don't. Spend that time reading.
And get the fuck off my lawn.
The club scene is usually very loud, so make sure to buy some nice earplugs when you're at the store along with a few spare bats.
ITT: Animal murder
I love to go clubbing for the music, I'm serious. Ok, girls and booze too, but the music is the first thing, with the wrong music I just can't get in the right mood. So if you like music too, just find the club that plays that kind of music that you love to dance.If you like the music, everything else will be much easier, dancing will be like natural, and if you want to get noticed, dancing well it’s a good way to. The best thing about going clubbing and paying attention to the music is that if you don’t club to get wasted or to get laid, or if you do but don’t succeed, at least you would have been listening a nice concert that you enjoyed…there are so many choices nowadays, and the average performance is quite good, find you favorite!
Well first off there are many ways to club, and my favourite is this one.
First off you can do the "drive by" you grab your snowmobile and find your favourite hunting ground and just swing your club as you go by. You need to be careful though if you go too fast you're going to damage the pelt and its just going to be a waste of a perfectly good seal, you go too slow and your not even going to hit the damn thing.
Bring gloves. Bitches love gloves
Drink less than how much you think you should.
Seals are best for clubbing. A good solid whack on the head would do it.
I've been working in nightlife for almost a decade. I've managed clubs that fit hundreds of people, and hosted some of the biggest acts out there. My advice:
Don't go clubbing.
The entire industry exists for the same reason any industry does: to maximize profit. We do that by every means necessary, and this actually ends up being to your detriment. Since clubs have a finite capacity, everything is designed not just to maximize guest count, but the revenue per guest. Now, to keep myself from going off on a long winded rant, I'm going to just summarize it by recommending that you don't go to clubs without preparing to spend far more money than you're comfortable with, no matter what that value actually is. It's part of the business model.
The whole thing is basically a modern version of a mating ritual that's been designed to drain as much money from its clients as possible. Literally every aspect is designed to, with many of them actually designed to your detriment. The music's too loud to discourage talking, so you drink and/or dance more. The layouts are designed to strongly favor VIP sections, with special attention taken to make sure those outside of them can notice the difference in atmosphere.
Now, I'm not saying you can't have great times at clubs, If that were true I wouldn't be in this business. I fucking still love it after all these years. I'm just saying that I've had just as great times in more laidback, casual settings. If you're looking to find some action, you can just as easily find it in cheaper places. If you do want to go clubbing, do it because you love a certain artist or genuinely enjoy the atmosphere, otherwise you'll just end up draining your wallet.
I'm a Dj and you definitely wanna practice fist pumping with both hand. Especially if something were to happen and you needed to club with your left hand as well as your right.
Don't go, it's boring as fuck
stahp
Serious answer here. Two things:
1) It is not the nightclub, but the night itself. Clubs usually supply the venue and staff, the promoters supply the DJs and people. So a friday could be amazing, and a saturday terrible, because there is different promoter with different DJs and crowd. And that promoter can change clubs taking the fun with them. Get it, there are no good clubs, just good promotion companies, so find one you like and follow them.
2) Saturdays usually suck because it is amateur night. Go to a bar or a friends house instead. If you want to have the best time of your life at a club, go to an industry night, usually sunday to wednesday. They are for people who work weekends like bartenders, strippers, djs, hair stylists, waitresses, comedians, dancers, chefs, drug dealers, emergency room staff, musicians, etc. and they have the best vibe with everyone being very cool and polite, and super diverse. Also high chances of seeing celebrities and pro athletes as they avoid busy fridays and saturdays or are making appearances those nights.
I say go there and enjoy the music, dance however you dance, and be yourself. If you're a girl, guys will try to dance with you, obviously you have a choice whether or not you would like to dance. If you're a guy, you might try and dance with girls. Don't just go up to a girl and start dancing with her, respect a women and only dance if she seems interested. Or at least start a conversation first
clubs suck unless you have a table/bottle service.
as someone who frequents clubs in SD every weekend, don't go unless you or a friend has one of those things.
they suck
Why the bottle service?
it doesn't so much have to do with the bottle service itself, but having a "private" place were you can sit and be with your friends without being hassled or jammed by random people is really nice. It makes all the difference and lets you dance or sit and relax. plus you can get drinks from your waitress instantly. It's definitely a luxury that you have to PAY for, but it's really all that makes going to a club tolerable, or if they have a DJ you really like playing.
I see. Do they require a bottle service if you get a table?
most of them time they will let you know what their requirements are. Getting a table/bottle service is also a guarenteed way of getting you and all your friends into a packed club if they are not letting people in, because they know you are going to spend money.
When you get a table they will let you know what your "minimum" is going to be. at a popular venue with a popular talent playing it can get expensive, last weekend at "OMNIA" in san diego, with Above and Beyond playing, our table minimum we had to spend on alcohol was $3500. This is an extreme example. At a smaller club with their house DJ they could say one bottle minimum to get a table. This is usually the case, and if you can get a bunch of friends together to split the bill, it can end up being not as expensive as you might think. If its a one bottle minimum, and you get a $450 bottle of grey goose (the price varies), you can chop this bill among your friends to make the night a little more affordable. If this out of your budget, I don't see the appeal of going to an expensive croweded nightclub in the first place, as they are always expensive to have a good time at, because they have to support their massive bills they have to pay in order to work./
Aim carefully. If you miss, it can lead to personal injury VERY quickly.
Dad: "You know that artist, Seal, do you know what his last name is?"
Me: "No dad, what is it?"
Dad: "Whackababy"
it took me a few seconds to process that one, and then I let out a snort, a sigh, and facepalmed, in that order.
What is this fucking seal??
What is happening right now
Step 1: Buy club Step 2: Aim for head Step 3: Swing hard Step 4: ???? Step 5: Profit
Don't forget your credit card... Hell just don't leave a tab open.
This is literally....the best post I've ever read. If it doesn't make the top 10 of all time, I'll club myself.
OP allow me to introduce you to the [serious] tag.
Gay clubs / bars have the best fucking house music.
pop the molly
For me the best advice is to go with a partner. Doesn't have to be a romantic thing just someone you can beat that seal with together.
Um seriously tho, clubbing and bars are both bad ideas. I'd recommend a rifle of some sort cause that's what the SEALS are gunna have and good luck sneaking up on to an elite group of killers to get close enough to attack them with blunt objects
I walked into a club once
it fucking hurt!
Always have a dd and an emergency dd.
This tip applies only if you drink alcohol!
I definitely recommend pregaming with your friends at one of yall's house/apartment. Why?
Do not buy bottle service.
Much of your clubs power will come from your legs. Don't forget to snap your hips and keep your eye on the seal.
Seriously, keep track of the bill. Understand how much everything costs before you buy it and know that you'll be adding a 20% tip at the end of the night. I've been charged over $100 for a bucket of 6 tall boy beers at a trendy club in Brooklyn, and most of the popular ones in the city are the same way.
If you aren't getting a table, show up very early and bring some cash to grease some palms.
In combination with step 1, DO NOT get blackout at a club if you are responsible for the bill and/or ordering. I have seen bill massacres from people becoming careless, you are paying for the atmosphere and location so remember that general pricing standards go out the window.
Oh, and lastly, bring girls. Most clubs get very touchy when you have too large of a guy:girl ratio, 1:2 is standard practice but if you have a big group something like 2:3 is fine. People who get there when the table person gets there will get in, it will be very difficult for people coming after to get in even if they are on that table but aren't on a list the doorman has.
Happy clubbing.
Step 1: Don't go to clubs.
OP, please repost but please put [serious] in your title!
Back in the day, I subscribed to a mailing list which let me know which liquor companies were hosting at which clubs. Basically, they sponsored a happy hour where their premium alcohol was featured for free. The only catch was the happy hour ran from 8-10 when there wasn't much action and it was usually an off night, like a Tuesday or Wednesday. It was great for pregame but it was also great because during those slow times it was easier to get to know the people you wanted to get to know at a club, namely the bouncers and the bartenders. Even though the sponsored drinks were on the house, I still tipped the bartenders who had enough time for small talk. After a few months, I got to be a regular at several different spots, even when the sponsors weren't promoting their event. I would run into those people I met at other clubs (people in the industry don't like to party at their own venue all the time - go figure) and they would remember me. This was great because they would tell me where after parties were or they would contact their industry friends who would get us into clubs and bars where different bands and DJs were playing, including back stage access.
Go out and have fun but remember to be extra cool to club staff and start becoming a regular. I never had to wait in line and I always got served before other patrons because barstaff and servers remembered my face and the way I took care of them. A little bit went a long way and you always look like and get treated like a VIP when people like you and want you around.
There are 2 types of clubbers, the swingers and the pick up artists. Swingers have all the fun while the pick-upers have to lug all the seal bodies back to camp after the swinging is done.
What about ultra lounges? Can't forget those.
Look after your mates.
Rule #1: Don't call it clubbing
Ive learned that the nicer you are to the people around you, the better experience you're going to have! You don't want people thinking you are a rude person. Be open and nice! Introduce yourself to strangers! In my experiences of going out I've always had a blast with the people around me just be being genuine and happy. Don't go overboard and be annoying though.
Pity the fool. Always pity the fool.
Always take ecstasy
weird. all I see at the club are penguins..
Well start with some dead seals first before you move onto the alive ones. Preferably older ones.
Probably ... don't.
Car bar before you enter.
So the first thing you have to do, of course, is choose a nice, heavy club. You want it to be dark, but not so dark that you can't see, and preferably not too foggy or smokey. You don't want to be drunk, because you'll make bad decisions. And you want the dance music to be thick and well-mixed, with a good even sound throughout the venue. Once there, it's pretty simple. You wait in line a bit, go in, and then do whatever feels right to you.
With all these seal clubbing replies, I can appreciate these kind of replies a lot more. Thank you.
stand out from the crowd with some kickass dance moves.
Don't bother
Well anytime after a long day out killing whales it's nice to relax with a nice seal clubbing. It's important to find a work/life balance.
Always take the blue pill!!!! Remain ignorant of the shit show you live in.......
The trick is to be a douche, you know so you fit in.
Reach for the lasers! Safe as fuck!
Never buy drugs from someone you don't know at a club. If you want to take drugs, get them from someone you know or from someone they know. Eventually you'll run into these people at the club, then you can buy from them there.
Just have fun, say what's up to strangers, be friendly on the dance floor, be silly, don't be too cool. Be friendly to the bouncers...Their job sucks.
Always go to the same bartender and tip. You may not get free drinks out of tipping well at a busy club, but you'll get served faster which is HUGE because you can wait for 15 minutes or more sometimes when it's busy. If you're an alcoholic like me you know to get to the bar before your current drink is done, then it'll be gone by the time you order your next drink.
Don't pay for VIP booths/bottle service. They're too expensive and what do you get..? You get to sit separated from the rest of the clubbers and just drink overpriced vodka with the friends you came with. Might as well save hundreds of dollars and buy the same brand liquor at a liquor store and chill at your house with your friends. There are rare occasions when it's worth it...like if you have a big group, or if someone else is paying 😉
Just have fun. Never fight (people will tempt you on occasion but you can easily brush them off with a friendly attitude).
Have the girls in your group go buy your drinks for you.
When I used to go out to the club, I liked to get there early to get a booth/table, my younger cousins thought I was a square until later that evening when they wanted to sit after dancing a long time in their 4inch heels. I think fanny packs are in, so that would be nice to hold any money, lipgloss, I.D., and have both hands free for two drinks. That way you don't have to go back to the bar line right away.
And to fit in with the others...club a pup (please don't).
so. you wanna go clubbing? someone already talked about going with a large group of people but personally i like to go with one or 2 people. talk to everyone you meet, bartenders bouncers waitresses guys girls anyone. you have more fun the more people you talk to and the more you get out of your shell.
ITT: Why the serious tag exists and why Redditors are unoriginal hacks.
After reading this thread, I don't know if some people are serious...
Don't take the brown acid.
Two rules for clubs if you're looking to hook up.: Rule 1: Be attractive
Rule 2: See Rule #1
Watch the bartender make your drink. Drink water in-between drinks. Not only will it help you not be as hung over the next day, but I personally found it helped me not get too drunk. For girls, don't wear short dresses or skirts unless you like guys trying to get up there. Try to leave the club a bit before last call so you don't get stuck waiting a really long time for a cab.
Drink lots of water. Like a lot. And take Taxis or Uber home. Don't leave your drink unattended. Know your limits.
Stop clubbing, baby seals!
r/OutOfTheLoop :(
This post is reddit.
I didn't even realize "seal clubbing" was a thing before this...
If you never go for it, you'll never know what (Opposite Sex) says.
Ladies, this applied to you too. Just talk to the guy. Dude, worse she can say is no thanks. Move on.
Go with people who want to have fun with you. I've gone before with people that essentially left me high and dry and I felt super out of place. You go with a good group, you'll have a great time.
Ctrl-f 'Seal'... Welp, there goes my joke, x55.
For fucks sake. I came in here for actual club advice, not the murder of baby animals!
let yourself go
If your friends insist you go. And you hate the music. Drink before you go....LOTS!
Here at reddit we like to beat a dead horse. Or in this case a dead seal.
Don't be cheap with the bartenders when you tip. When you get your drink, tip the bartender a 20 or 50. He'll remember you for the rest of the night and will take care of you.
Also, see who's promoting the party, and get bottle service from them. They can usually get you a good deal. If the party is crackin, having a table is a great way to meet ladies or to just relax and people watch. Just don't pour out drinks to every lady that comes by.
-Former Club Promoter
be nice to bouncers, even if they are being dicks, and don't wear your best shoes if you don't want to ruin them, also pre-drinks is obviously cheaper but can ruin the night
Be safe, don't take drinks you didn't see mixed and make sure you cover them.
if you're in a crowded club walking through the crowd and some guy walking opposite towards you, shoulder bumps you hard- he's looking for a fight.
probably want to avoid this dude, even if you can beat him up. remember, you're there to have fun.
Well I know it can be intimidating turning up and seeing all the regular clubbers knowing what they are doing, but to fit in it's best just to jump into the crowd and just swing your arms around and stomp your feet a lot.
Clubbing is literally only fun if you're absolutely wasted. I started casually drinking and no longer drinking like 15 or some odd beers before going to the bar. Now i have one or two and then go out, and it's so fucking boring i almost off'd myself in the club.
Don't go. The drinks are loud the music is slutty and the pigs are men; It's horseshit.
SMASH!
Cane here to make a seal clubbing joke, saw that the entirety of Reddit already did, went clubbing to release the stress. (You'll just have to guess which type)
Neither, you big fat liar!
You got me!
Do not care whatever anyone else think just do you boo boo
I have no idea what this thread is about.
On the real, I recommend investing in a sweet pair of shades to block the haters...and the blood.
1) this is more geared towards females but depending on the club you don't really have to stress too much about your outfit. I used to always go out in dresses and really high heels and wouldn't be able to really let loose while I seen girls come in jeans or shorts with a nice top. If you have a decent face & know how to dress for your body type guys are gonna approach you regardless . 2) always Try to bring cash if your planning on buying drinks . Bring only what you plan on spending to avoid over spending . 7$ may not seem like a lot for a drink but it can add up quickly and drunk you may decide that rent isn't important right now and end up emptying your account . 3)if no one in your group wants to be DD then just get a taxi or go to someone's house to drinks. Besides putting others in danger getting a dwi is not fun and will cost a lot more than a taxi cab 4) if you decide to leave early and go home with someone send a text to someone in your group so that way they won't be looking for you after 5)clubs arent really full until around 11:30-12ish. The only time I arrive earlier than that is when ladies are free before midnight . i like to pregame and chill with friends before 6) don't feel bad if people don't want to dance with you . It's doesn't always mean they find you unattractive . Some people like to go out with their s/o & won't dance with anyone else.also some people just don't want to dance with anyone or they may not like dancing at all and are there just to be with friends
This... all of this is so perfect
I'm not much into clubbing but I'm big into fragrances. Don't wear the typical LeMale, 1 Million, Polo designer frags. Try out Dior Homme Intense, Aventus, or YSL La Nuit. If you don't wanna spring for a full bottle because it can be quite expensive then hit up /r/fragsplits and /r/fragrances
Don't.
Having fun , getting drunk , meeting new people , fucking bitches , you can get addict to all that ...
Find your level of drunkenness where you have confidence/no fucks to give but won't puke all over the dance-floor. You should not remember the whole night, if at all. Just let loose, dance however you want to and have fun.
Put your phone away so you can't look at it every moment of being in the club
Yup, there are a bunch of people around you who came out specifically to have fun! Get in there and be the most interesting part of their night.
go with friends! drink a little before getting there if youre into that.
Yup, pregaming will save a shit ton of money. Especially when you consider Club Economics, in what reality does a beer cost $13 because I ordered it at a night club?
I question the wording of this question, and judge it to be somewhat deliberately ambiguous.
Just go up to any girl, whether they look good or not, and start hitting on them. In the head.
Best thread ever.
Don't.
Wear boxer briefs and cowboy boots. It's Dancing Time!!
As an older woman with lot's of experience in this area, you need to learn to dress for your audience, in an age appropriate manner, you can't just be clubbing in that same parka you wore ten years ago.
Just do what bill cosby does and kill the seal with laughter
Be sure to make friends with the more established members of the model railway club. This will help expedite the nomination and confirmation process.
THIS THREAD IS LITERALLY JUST ABOUT SEAL KILLING
This thread is why Reddit is beautiful.
Upvote for hilarious post... If only I was young again
Club baby seals, hahahahaha. Give me karma.
When I hit the clubs I go "Bang!" BangBang! Bang!"
This sucks, I was excited to see some really answers
Slightly above average looking Asian dude here.Been to a club three times, of those three times, two of them were fantastic and I would recommend again.
The one time that was a bad time was when an event was cancelled that we tried to go to and no one showed except a few people. Also it was snowing so I won't really count that.
The two times that I went to the club were fantastic. I had a lot of fun just having conversations with random people. It's amazing the number of people that you can meet. If you are looking to meet a girl or guy to date I would recommend this. However be aware that it is dangerously loud, so try to go to a place and find some cute girls/guys sitting alone and introduce yourself. People at the club seem to be interested in looking to get with you. The club is a great place to just sit there and have a conversation with someone, especially if you think they are attractive.
Learn to not be scared to dance. Everyone is doing it, they probably don't care about you.
Regardless of the direction things may seem to be going, there is absolutely no sex allowed in the champagne room.
Don't act cool, the whole "been there done that" doesn't work. It just makes the whole situation cringe worthy.
Dont try pick up lines if you are trying to meet women, just introduce yourself and just talk normal.
For a real answer go to /r/socialskills. But keep in mind they don't have any social skills.
Btw... I am from Newfoundland... My initial post should have been so much better damn it
Don't go clubbing.
Nobody here realizes that the warranty is void when you go clubbing.
Cause the seal is broken!
You should practice a bit in Kingdom of Loathing before going clubbing. This has the added bonus of teaching you a bit about meatsmithing in addition to proper seal clubbing technique.
Though I prefer taming turtles.
Be yourself and have fun, ppl have been doing it one way or another for hundreds of years but here's my technique:
I try to make eye contact from a distance, you know let her know I'm there. Once I see that she sees me I navigate to get closer, I try to corner her while she's drinking because I know I'll have a minute to make my move. I work my way over as casually as possible, while maintaining eye contact, that part is actually crucial. It's fun to play like an eye chicken, like flirt with the prospect she might go home with you. Then I swing as hard as i can and beat that fucking seal until the snow is stained red
edit: grammar
This has to be my favorite thread I've ever seen on Reddit. What a beauty :')
Dont go with your awkward friends.
As in baby seals?? Just make sure not to get much blood on the fur and the younger the better!!
Take molly.
go somewhere where they breed so you can get the baby ones, they are not as fast as grown up seals
...it was just sitting there for a joke... perhaps it was said earlier...
ITT expecting the seal jokes to be over, them never being over
Learn to dance
Something I learned from experience of going clubbing for the last 10 years of my young adult life. Go only when you're in a great (or at least good) mood, feel sociable, and have lots of energy. Nothing brings you down more when you're tired or depressed, than clubbing a baby seal.
Something something baby seals
I am so confused. I thought this was about golf or hitting people with clubs
what the fuck is a seal?!
It is very important that you bring a designated driver. You can't be trusted to take the wheel after the night is done. Also, you wouldn't want to get blood in your car.
It's great how seal clubbing was one of the most effective ways to bring up the mood at the end of such an awful day.
This is the greatest thread of all time.
Don't.
(Serious) Weirdly enough... I've been in clubs all my life. Even worked in them...
But I don't know what kind of advice I should give you...
Have fun ? Like seriously... dance... don't give a shit about what other people think... And smile... show everyone that you're having a good time... Shout encouraging stuff when your friend or someone next to you do a cool dance move... don't take any of it seriously.. And smile again... don't be that douche that stands next to the wall holding his drink doing nothing.
Oh and bring people that you know enjoy being there... if there's one friend that isn't sure... or don't feel like it... or it seems like he's gonna be a bummer. Don't bring him/her. He/she's gonna bring the whole group down. You need people that WANTS to party.
Also the type of club is important if you know you can only dance to a certain type of music... so go around town or check club's website to have a taste of what they're gonna play during the night.
Lastly don't get too drunk.... I've seen a bunch of girls check me out... say something like "yeah he's cute enough" then leave their SUPER-DRUNK friend with me. I was behind the console with the dj so maybe they thought it was safe... I noped the fuck out... tried to tell her to go home... but I really don't know what happened to her. Just drink enough to have fun, no need to wake up in a coma.
Don't go!
Just get schwifty.
Arctic.
My tip is to really get a feel for the music before you start and it helps if you begin with a baby seal they go down faster.
Damn I kinda wanted to see if "people who go to clubs" have tips. I'll actually try to answer your intended question although it's a bit of a boring answer. I usually go to bars because the atmosphere is better, but as far as clubs go, just go out and have fun. You'll learn as you go, but to be honest there's not too much to learn. They can be a good time if you just dance and go with friends and get a decent buzz. Also it helps to have a DD set up or plan to take a cab because I hate trying to worry about that situation while I'm schwasted. Anyway, Cheers.
Bring cocaine
Baby seals make the best targets
Make the attempt to dance even if you suck. If you dont try you'll have a bad time. Join in the party, have a few drinks and shake your ass.
As a bouncer for several years, relax. Seriously, best advice on here is to relax. You don't need to prove how tough or cool you are, just be you.
Such a garbage trhead, obviously the wrong crowd to ask. If you're new to clubbing, go with a group, pre drink, and get buzzed for the night.
You should probably go to an irish club and enthusiastically scream that out
I came to this thread to try to make a witty joke about baby seals. Turns out that my brain is incapable of individual thought, and I'll never come up with an original joke.
TIL what clubbing seals is
Get drunk, don't try to be cool, get a table if economically viable.
Well what you want to do is hit the baby seal riiiight inbetween the eyes, it knocks them out really quick.
When at the bar hold out your cash/card showing the bartender you're ready to order.
Pro tip: Discretly scan the floor under the bar for money. Drunk people drop cash almost every night in a bar/club.
Don't.
enjoy the music of the club you choose to go dance at! if you dont like it, leave.
Don't stand against a wall or sit at a table all night. Get up and dance like no one is watching and have fun, or you will regret it.
Aim for the head
If you're ordering a drink, don't order something too complex. Your drink should have NO MORE than TWO ingredients: Jack and coke, rum and coke, vodka and soda, etc. Or a beer is fine.
Don't waste the seal's time by ordering tropical long islands or mai tais. Their lifespans are only about 30 years.
Be sure it is well balanced. You need it heavy enough to break a baby seals scull but the weight needs to be distributed for easy swinging and repeated action.
I'm so proud of the Reddit community right now.
This is up there with the Paul Blart: Mall Cop 2 post
Only take cash. I've gotten carried away with my card too many times :(
Go with people you like. You're there to hang with friends and have fun firstly, and meet people second in my opinion. Don't drink too much your first time! Then, drink too much every other time :)
make sure your with a good group of friends that you can have fun with and will also take care of each other if somebody gets too drunk. Don't drink more than you think you can handle, it is okay to go home if you are not feeling well (too drunk) or if you are not enjoying yourself (no point spending more money on a night you are not enjoying). Other than that have fun.
Make sure you're up to date on your shots.
A
dontpayforwater
CTRL + F "Seal"
As an ex Clubber. Don't go.
Tip your fucking bartender
Condoms...lots of condoms..
This is the best thread I have read in weeks
It depends on what you want to do. If you want to try and pick up chicks, make yourself attractive. If you want to dance we girls; you need to already be dancing and let certain targets see that. Its kind of a hit or miss but don't try to stop a girl that is on her way somewhere (i.e. bathroom or meeting friends). Its a ton better to have a wing man or woman.
Tip your bartender the highest on your first few drinks so if you pick up a girl and buy her a drink you minimize idle time.
Don't go clubbing
Ecstasy. All you need to have fun at the club is ecstasy.
It's not really that big of a deal. Pick a place you're comfortable at -- if you dont fit in with super hip people, dont go to one of those clubs. My friends and I enjoy one of the gay clubs here, because its smaller non judgemental and doesnt have a bunch of creepers. Also make sure you go with a cool group of people. If you dont know most of them its usually more fun if there's one other person you know who doesnt know the rest of the group either lol.
Most clubs ive been, the party doesnt get started before 12 or 1230. So go have a nice dinner, maybe sing some karaoke and then make your way to the club.
Pace yourself on drinks but make sure you have a few in your system before hitting the dance floor.
No one really watches you or judges you when youre dancing because theyre all drunk so dont worry too much about how you look. Plus if you stand in the middle of the dance floor youll feel less conspicuous.
After clubs hookah and dennys.
This is maybe the ONLY time that I'm happy about the lack of a (serious) tag. Even when people are answering seriously, so much of what they say is clearly made up bullshit (my mind turns to that one person who was in-character as a rape survivor, which is fucking disgusting).
Mods, enforce your ruuules. I know you enjoy being special little snowflakes with responshabilitees or whatever, and that's why you caved after like 5 hours during the Ellen Pao thing, but give me a goddamn break. You can still feel special despite having accomplished nothing by making people respond to posts seriously.
This may have just unintentionally become one of the most entertaining AskReddit threads of all time
Didn't seal that coming.
wingman, wingmen, a whole airforce of friends ready to help you
Dont stand on the wall while you drinking your bud light.
Wow, this is really weird to me. In argentina we start going out at 13-14, of course very awkward clubs but it's something. It usually starts at 9pm and ends about 12 or 1am.
Then when you are 17-18 you go full-on clubbing and get back home at 9AM. It's really a part of our culture, we start very young, that's why so many people say Argentina has one of the best night culture on the world.
There are downsides too, kids at 15-16 are already drinking and smoking weed as a result of clubbing, and it's scientifically proven at least for weed, that it really has an impact on your brain when you are below 18.
Sources for that:
http://www.dailymail.co.uk/health/article-2377581/Teenagers-smoke-cannabis-damage-brains-LIFE-likely-develop-schizophrenia.html
http://www.theguardian.com/science/2012/aug/27/cannabis-damaging-under-18s-study
http://www.thestranger.com/seattle/what-smoking-weed-does-to-teen-brains/Content?oid=20884581
Act like everybody you meet is already your best fucking friend. Buy them a drink (assuming you can afford it). Act like you came to the club with them and their group. Act like they all already like you and you just want to make your friends laugh. Make jokes, be funny. Stop caring if they like you or not. That being said, you'll probably hate all of these people in a year or two.
Alright, since none of these replies are being particular helpful, maybe I can give you some actual insight on the kind of clubbing I'm sure you were talking about. Granted, my wealth of knowledge isn't huge, as I have only been clubbing a few times myself, but I hope that my little bit of insight can help you out.
One of the biggest things that I can suggest, as someone who just recently left their underage years, is to pregame. Pregaming can be a good time to get a little tipsy with the people that you know and aren't nervous around, which will set you up to have a much more relaxed and enjoyable experience overall when you start beating the hell out of baby seals.
Don't go clubbing.
Drink plenty of water :)
Likely inevitable, but avoid buying drinks for the girls who will ghost as soon as you buy them a drink.
Develop a 6th sense for these things.
Go home and get some sleep. Don't drink to get drunk. Stay the fuck away from cocaine. Open a book and learn something new. Find yourself a nice girl/boy who interests you and can keep conversation. When you fuck them, wear a goddamn condom.
There. Advice for clubbing from a former club kid.
Tom Cruise.
DO ALL THE DRUGS
1st tip for OP, take your dick out of the tree.
Have fun and get jacked up... Its not rocket science
Find an outfit that makes you like yourself.
Go to the club.
Drink.
???
You're clubbing!
Don't be an asshole
Meet new people but understand some people may not like you or want to talk to you. Take the social Cue and move on.
Tip people that are servicing you and yes if it is a crowded bar you will have to wait your fucking turn
Take a cab home if your drunk
If you have that asshole friend who acts a fool with a few drinks....leave them at home!
I love this thread.
Don't take stuff you have to check if you can help it (like a coat)... It's a pain to get it at the end of the night.
All idiotic jokes aside, I guess you have to ask yourself why you want to go in the first place. To dance? To meet the opposite sex? To have a good time with friends?
MDMA is the answer to all of those questions, but be warned – it will become so essential to having a good time in a club that going sober or drunk won't even be an option anymore. And also, don't do drugs!
Go out with your bros and have a bro time, don't forget the hair gel bro.
MDMA makes clubbing with friends a lot more fun. You'll figure out what to do.
To get service in a crowded bar you need the bartender to notice you. Most bartenders aren't trying to be assholes by denying you service, they are simply swamped with customers in a dark room and can't keep track of everybody.
I think what people are trying to say here is don't ask people how to go to a club. Just go. Try about 5 different places. If you don't like any of em maybe it's not for you. At this point grab yourself a nice fat club and beat the shit out of a dead horse.
Signed and sealed by the navy-seal seal clubbers. Seal ya latter!
Don't go.
ITT: No one that actually goes to clubs.
Back in the day when I went clubbing at several popular dance-clubs (ie: the Tunnel and the Limelight), I would just smuggle my booze in (those little bottle-shots). I'd gulp a few (3 or 4) to loosen me up and get me on the dance floor, and then I would be hugging a bottle or two of water for the rest of the night. As a female, I actually never went to dance clubs to meet people to date. I either went alone or with friends to just feel the beat and dance all night. Sure, there were some fun people I befriended and/or dated inadvertently, but the number one priority of a good club is to DANCE. You know it's a good place when you see people even dancing alone all over the place with not a care. I disliked it when people would sit there and try to have some sort of an intense conversation with me (I am at a club to dance for crying out loud!). The people I appreciated the most were the ones who didn't say shit and just joined me on the dance floor. If you can connect with someone through dancing and the beat of the music, you don't need pickup lines or anything else - the rest falls into place.
Confidence is everything
Get a puffle
Find Hoes!
Drink, don't get wasted.
Grow a pair and smile while approaching a girl.
Say "Hi, my name is DickInATree; wanna dance?"
If she says No, shake it off. It's not the end of the world, go back to your table, drink a bit and then try again.
Pro tips: Take a shower, dress nice, wash your mouth, etc.
Number one tip: Buy a bottle for that cute girl AND her friends. They'll be more comfortable with the bartender pouring. You and your buddies buy the bottle and invite them all up to the bar. You just made a private party inside the club, no mother hens blocking your cock.
Don't go to clubs trying to pick up women or men. There's no sense in putting up with shitty music, expensive drinks and annoying people because that's part of the game and you're there for the meat market. Rather go there for the main thing that's on offer: the music. Explore different events for the music and atmosphere they offer and find what you really like, that way you'll have a more positive experience and are more likely to be in a crowd of people that you actually like more. And most of all, just have fun.
Main thing is, don't go with the mindset that you have to put up with X to get Y. Clubs are for music and dancing and having a good time. Loosen up and just enjoy yourself.
Start with baby seals. Move your way up to baby dolphins, penguins and other coast-dwelling creatures. Mix it up a little bit by golfing with sea turtles, or spice up your life by battering a beached whale and/or walrus. The possibilities are endless!
Don't accept drinks (even water) from strangers. Go slow on the dope. Hydrate. Edit: also, avoid going solo if possible.
Don't take a drink unless you see it come from the bartenders hand, drink lots of water, wrap up ya jimmy or ladies make sure they do
Gators bitches better be usin Jimmies!
Don't do it.
Keep drinking....It'll come to you.
No pictures or video. You never know where it could end up and/or if it could ruin your career. Instead, invite coworkers to go clubbing with you. It will help form a seal of friendship that can't be broken.
Avoid clubs, that's my advice.
just remember single woman can enter the club and swing, but single guys can not
Be friendly with the guy in the suit in front of the club, he's probably the manager or vip host, and the easiest way into the club without spending money or waiting in line.
Don't do it!
/r/circlejerk
Take the blue pill...
Don't be creepy or aggressive towards girls.
Be friendly to the staff.
Dont expect to pick up pussy every time
binge and get minge
Ok serious answer:
I love clubbing. I go to clubs everywhere i go on vacation. I live in the bay as well and i go clubbing all over the bay area.
1.) don't take it too seriously. don't worry about finding someone to take home or getting numbers. it's about having fun. just remember this rule when going clubbing at all times. before you do anything just remember it's about this.
2.) find spots that have the music you like. generally there is only three types: edm, country, and hip hop. i generally like hip hop more but there are clubs that kind of mash edm and hip hop together or pop country with some hip hop.
3.) dress up - a lot of the safest clubs i've been to have dress requirements. no baggy jeans, no hats, no white t's, etc. you might have to get some designated clubbing gear but if it gets you into some good clubs and you dont have to deal with rif raff then so be it. even if the place that you like doesn't have a dress code i find that i much rather be a bit overdressed than under dressed. *story about this at the bottom
4.) going back to rule 1 - dont make it obvious that you are seeking out women. unless you're really attractive this kinda puts their guard up. just go in head for your friends or bar and grab a few drinks. if you're having a good time and don't look like total scrubs women are actually pretty good at sending you signs their interested or comfortable at least.
5.) don't break your bank. more than likely you'll do this every once in a while buying drinks for complete strangers because you're hammered but it's ok to pregame, catch an uber to the bar scene, then maybe nurse a drink or two at the bar. "but what about buying women drinks". easy answer: for the most part don't. if you are having a good conversation and are pretty good dance partners then you'll be ok without trying to impress her by buying drinks.
6.) if you can't dance remember this rule - the more subtle your moves are the better. i see it too many times. people with no rhythm trying too hard on the dance floor and it's just so cringe worthy. just a simple two step or as my roommate calls it "the white guy triangle" (he's white) and you're set.
7.) be open to talking to anyone. you dont have to ONLY talk to people that you're attracted to. if someone seems cool it might be a good future friend, a good network connnection, or at least a good conversation for the night.
8.) this kinda contradicts #2 but experiment a little with environments. go to a dive bar if you'd like. go to a dance club. go to a lounge. try different places.
9.) IGNORE HOSTILITY. that drunk asshole is exactly that. just a drunk asshole. i've been clubbing for probably at least a decade and i really only got into maybe two or three altercations. none of them escalated to physical. i opt for walking away and never in my life have i ever looked back and said "i should have fought him". if you're defending yourself fine. but if it's just some asshole talking shit ignore him and walk away. more than likely bouncers/cops will take care of it.
10.) look at the staff. are the bouncers professional? are the bartenders attentive? does the dj actually care? i've been to bars where bouncers actively start shit with the clientele. or the bartenders are shit. or the dj couldn't mix a beat together if it killed him. these are kind of shitty and just avoid them at all costs.
11.) don't drink and drive.
12.) be prepared to spend some money. if you're living check to check scratching by clubbing is not for you. i would say during my "prime" clubbing years i would go out with a couple hundred bucks and go out very often (probably every weekend both fri and sat and sometimes thursday). it's not cheap but you dont have to do what i did. that's just what appealed to me at the time. but you can go out once a month with your friends and have a great time.
13.) see rule 1
14.) be yourself. dont lie and make up crazy stories because in the end you might think you sound awesome when youre drunk but more than likely those friendly strangers know you're lying. i remember hearing quite a few stupid stories guys were trying to tell my female friends while trying to hit on them. i'm pretty sure i said my fair share but i'm telling you right now just be yourself. it sounds generic but it's true. you're awesome!
well those are some of my tips for clubbing. other than tip your bartenders and servers.
quick story that literally just happened this weekend:
i was visiting a friend of mine who lives in the valley of california. aka central california. it's not as metropolitan as so cal or the bay area but there are still some sizeable dance clubs out there.
my friend was saying that we are going to be overdressed because of the way we like to dress up when we're out. i guess that part of california doesn't dress up as much as where i'm used to. i said "screw it i dont care".
get to the door and the bouncers shakes our hands and thanks us for looking good. i'm not going to say "oh bitches everywhere and they was all on us". but i will say that type of stuff is a good confidence booster.
Go there for the music and fun. It's not a place to pick up girls.
I like bars okay but often I find myself idly poking at the limes in my drink. The vibe of the club makes me feel truly alive, what with the screaming and the laughter.
Get drunk. Enjoy yourself.
I find clubs to be a really difficult place to meet people, compared to a nice quiet bar. Almost impossible to hear what anyone is saying over the arfs of dying seals.
Drink enough water in between drugs/alcohol.
No purses, no wallets. Shit's too easy to take, slip your ID and some cash between your tits or in a tight pocket where nobody can reach in. Furthermore, having less crap to carry around means less to worry about. Last bit of advice, don't care how you dance, just do it, you'll have a lot more fun that way.
Record yourself dancing, try to improve it a bit each time.
The cardinal rule is; Don't be a fuck head.
Some of the other people will inevitably be fuckheads. Don't worry about em, for they, are fuck heads.
Know your limits, push them every once in a while, but check yourself. You always see that guy who has gotten too drunk and is trying to fight a street light, or that girl who has taken her shoes off, and is stumbling around singing 'all the single ladies' and vomiting on strangers. Nobody wants to deal with this shit. See step one
Talk to people, everyone else is also out to have a good time and generally everyone else it pretty chill and keen to converse. If they aren't the fuck em, they're fuck heads.
This has been mentioned lots, but don't let yourself get too self-conscious or anti-social. The only thing that's worse than being anti-social and anxious at home, is being anti-social in a crowded place. Try out step 2. Chingbats may be of assistance.
Convincing people you have mental health issues issues with your sickest spontaneously invented dance moves is incredibly fun. If they don't like it, fuck them, they're fuck heads. However be careful not to be a fuck-head yourself, beating people with your limbs in time to the music is not club friendly dancing.
Watch how much money you spend. It's pretty easy to buy a few drinks for yourself and your mates, couple of cover charges, a painful taxi home and wake up a couple hundred dollars poorer.
....this is sad. :( I love baby seals.
don't
Drink fucking water bro.
Don't go clubbing.
Stay away from the red pill. Ignorance is bliss
After reading about what people are talking about in this thread, clubbing seals is super fucked up. Idk why its a reddit joke all of a sudden :/
Get the fuck out of the dj booth unless you're a dj. Seriously, we're trying to create a vibe and your neck breathing beer winds are distracting
Wave your arms at 60 rpm
If you roll and it's your first time, take someone who is going to stay sober and who you trust.
Get to know a promoter or two at your favorite clib. Bring girls with you, at least 2 or 3. Get in free with the girls, and make the promoter look good. You'll rarely ever have to pay entrance fees. And pick one bartender that seems chill and friendly. Tip him 20$. You may need to do it again. Now you got a bartender friend at your favorite club. He will hook you up every time.
Source: I was a dj for a while and partied a lot in my day.
Get a nice buzzed (if you drink) and go in good company. Above all else, have fun and live the night!
Grow the fuck up
It's more important to stay on beat than to have a fancy dance that doesn't work
Good question but I don't think the type of people that go clubbing often also browse reddit.
DANCE! If you don't like to dance, you're creepin. Drink, or don't drink. Do drugs, or don't do drugs. Just don't be standing around creepin.
TIFU by asking reddit about clubbing
Know your partner, and make sure the body-cams are "malfunctioning".
One thing I wish I knew sooner is that you can make earplugs in any bathroom:
Just roll up a thick plug of toilet paper, wet it, and shove it in your ear
^((if the seal screaming is too loud for you))
Serious tag. Nice.
You can find me with a club bottle full of blub....I know just what you need when you need to club the blub. We aint in there makin sex, we just in there clubbin blub if you wanna feel the rub.
Clubbing is an expensive hobby that is in no way worth the money it costs.
http://rocky.wikia.com/wiki/James_%22Clubber%22_Lang
Make sure to wear your fedora and always start a conversation with m'lady...
NEVER leave your drink unattended. Put it down and walked away for a second? New drink
Not what they mean by raising the roof
The seals will hear the set down of the cup and run
I actually go line dancing. The dancing is a nice way to break the ice and gives people stuff to do. Plus there's always space for people who just want to drink and talk to do that too. And as a dude, knowing how to two-step definitely helps in initiating conversations with the ladies. :)
Don't go. If you have to, bring ear plugs.
Pregame before you go. Not too much, but enough to get that little buzz. Saves you a lot of money.
Can someone explain the seal jokes? I'm surprised there wasn't an explanation somewhere in the comments.
clubbing seals
Clubbing------>Clubbing baby seals
When I first started clubbing, I was very surprised how many friendly people I met. I had a small group of friends that all started out clubbing around the same time, and we were all fairly shy people, but after going to the same clubs for a few times, we started running into the same people over and over, and we quickly met a whole lot of new friends.
Also, I really couldn't dance, and I was pretty self conscious about it at first...but I learned that it really didn't matter...no one really cares what you look like when you are dancing. Just get out on the dance floor and blow off some much needed steam. I have some vivid memories of dancing with a couple of my favorite people, just moving to the music without a care, sweating profusely, and smiling ear to ear.
Don't forget to keep hydrated..even if you are drinking alcohol, make sure to drink water too...I used to try to drink a water for every alcoholic drink I consumed....so just rotate boooze...water...boooze....water...etc.
Most importantly, have fun! To me, clubbing was the reward for a hard week of school or work...I'd work hard all week, then party hard on the weekend.
Aim for the head, but if they're feisty, a good hit to the torso should slow 'em down.
Edit: I though I was original, but you guys all did the same thing... I'm part of the hivemind.
The seal is broken.
1) dress nice but with your personal fashion. Like if you feel like you are a cowboy at heart but have always lived in the city, go get you some. Be clean. Workout a little so you have some tone to show off, or just burn those alcohol calories. 2) Be comfortable dancing, which means you should probably learn to dance. 3) predrinking alittle is a good idea, because bar drinks are expensive, but make sure you have a safe way to and from the club. 4) know something about the music you like, and who is playing. If you go to a club and ask the door guy"what's the format tonight" he might say"top 40s, rnb, hip hop, everything..." if you like that great, but really he is telling you they have a shit DJ tonight. 5) show up just before 11pm. Before 10pm is to early, and after midnight is rude. 6) if a girl makes eye contact and backs it up, she probably wants you to grab it. Just grab it. 7) were ever people are smoking is where you will actually talk to people. Even if you don't smoke you can just go out to cool off or take a break. Some might chat you up, or you can chat them up
Go to clubs where you actually like the music. If you're loving what you're hearing, you'll have more fun dancing. Don't be afraid to try different types of music nights outside of what you normally go to if it sounds interesting to you.
just dance
Keep in mind that there are many types of nightclubs. Some are more of a "see and be seen" or meat market nature, with bottle service, VIP areas, and everyone fronting like they're rich. Underground clubs, on the other hand, typically draw in people who are really into specific genres of dance music (ex: tech house, UK garage, juke, deep dubstep) and are dressed more casually. People at these clubs may or may not be trying to get laid. It's more of a scene for hanging out dancing with your friends.
Coming from Australia and not knowing what seal clubbing was, the thread was...wot?
Go for the music. Nothing else.
Make sure you have a firm grip on the club (it gets slippery in icy conditions) before you try to hit the seal.
molly is your best friend
today i learned about clubbing. i am sad now. ...time to go get drunk.
Why is this a question? Get drunk at home with friends, or at a bar if you have money to spare, find a club in good district of your city, and just dance dance dance.....you don't have to be good...it's dark and everyone is drunk. Main rule really, is don't dance with uggos and fatties. Maybe you can grab some numbers if you're lucky.
Relax and have a good time. It's not a popularity contest. If you treat it like that you'll lose 500 times before you win. if you want to people watch, people watch. If you want to dance, dance. If you want to socialize, socialize. - but pick the right area. There's spaces for everyone.
The Rule - the workers are always right even when they are wrong.
If you're not drunk and having a boring time, drink more. If you're having a good time, you're probably drunk, remember that.
This thread is so shitty. I really need to find a new website
reddit is bad
How does this even happen? It's like pre-meta or something.
seal
Fuck clubs, just shoot the seal in the head.
Coat check. it's a trap. They charge you to wait in line for 20 min to drop off your cost, then another 20 min if u leave when everyone else does. Buy a cheap cost especially for clubbing and hide it behind a speaker or under a cocktail table. And wash that sucker the next day!
hi dont club, but i have worked in them. If you use drugs leave themin the car, if you bring them in be willing to lose them. Dont be a dumb ass. I know you are having fun, do it up. But when last call comes up finish up and head on out to the next party. Let us clean up close out and start our own party.
Mind your own business, don't get involved in other peoples drama
Go for the music, not to get laid. Don't worry about what other people think. Dance and have a great time.
watch funny videos to put yourself in a good mood, do something goofy like listen to a really cheesy song to make you laugh. its key to being ina good mood before you go out.
Well this fell apart quickly
Drink as much as possible during the pre game, but not too much to where you don't get in.
The point is to not spend as much money when you go out.
as a old bartender if there isn't a line.. forcefully make your way to the bar and hold money in your hand and know what you want.. if the bar is busy we look for quick flips to make tips...we serve friends first and no names last but he who has cash in hand is King ;-)
Be openminded and friendly. Be prepared not to meet anyone right away. Be yourself.
Pro tip: keep in mind that nightclubs typically host very different events on different days of the week. Like, Fridays might be one thing, and Saturdays something else entirely. While the club is the place where these things happen, usually the events themselves are organized by outside promoters, each of whom has their own particular style. So, if you go back to the same nightclub and are surprised that it's very different, it's probably because there's a different promoter that night. Pay attention to the name of the promo group at each event you go to, and you'll pretty quickly figure out who throws great parties and who doesn't. You can also follow them on FB/Instagram/Twitter so you always know what parties are going on.
Look up "real social dynamics" op.
Or just start lingering into the pick up community online in general.
Avoid R/the red pill
ITT: Everyone clubs animals, especially seals.
Have a couple of drinks before heading out so you're already on the way when you get to the club. You'll already be in the mood and won't have to fork out so much fucking money
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=-br7JKuaZHQ
SHUT THIS THREAD DOWN
Don't?
I've never understood really how to order drinks at a bar/ club. Especially clubs since they tend to be loud. If I wanted a gin and tonic or a vodka redbull, are they going to need clarification on type of vodka? And how do I order shots? Do I have to be specific about the type of vodka or tequila?
So there is a thing called the speed rack. It is usually cheap stuff. Not bad, but if you want JUST a gin and tonic then you can just raise money up and someone will come. If you want like exactly a Captain Jack and coke ask for that instead of a rum and coke.
Also if you want to be served fast later having a few singles for tips USE THEM. Next time they see you they will help you faster then some non tipping shlub
Don't do it
Director for a few clubs in Miami AMA
"oh this sucks"
Forget the rules, but remember a few key points to successful clubbin: -Warm up to prevent overstraining yourself. -Avoid trouble by choosing a good location. Places with fur-bearing patrons usually means less fun and more disease. -be safe and have fun!
/r/outoftheloop
Have fun.
When at the north pole do not hunt on santa claus's land.
Avoid the groid unless you want to be beaten, raped, murdered, and given aids.
If a black guy hits on you in the club say you have to go to the restroom and leave for another club that has no negroes.
Please, unless you came in with the girl as your date for the night, ask a girl to dance before you start grinding your cock all over her ass. I dont care if the music called for it, dont just suprise me with a random dong rubdown. Same goes for you ladys aint nobody trying to make fishtacos so dont be sticking your beaver into a guy's dam
Always aim for the seal's skull and try to get a clean kill on your first swing. Otherwise you've got a bloody wailing creature squirming around getting your boots all stained.
reddit was on point with this thread
There are a lot of fantastic tips in this thread, but one that hasn't been really harped on enough is to be confident. Be confident for one reason: unless you sleep with someone, you'll probably never see them ever again (and often/maybe even if you do). And if you did sleep with them, well then you probably did a good job. And if that's not your goal, do the former anyway! Nobody cares about how well you dance, mostly just that you do. Find some good music that suits you and dance. And if you want some basic steps to start with (you can learn by watching for most things) you can go on YouTube and practice in private. If you have fun, who cares what you looked like? Wasn't that the point? Also, protection if you are going for chicks OR guys; you never know how the night will go if you live by my rule, and you don't want to be in a bathroom or a hotel without protection and then make a bad decision. Don't let yourself or the other guy or gal make a bad decision for you.
TL;DR: Be confident because nobody cares and you'll never see them again. Dance your ass off; flirt your ass off. And don't forget protection, just in case.
Edit: Somebody earlier said don't go down on her... Don't go down on her.
Edit: And always pre-game. Stuff gets expensive reaaalllyyy fast in clubs, even when you're careful.
Been following this thread...new to it too. Why is this exactly? And yes, I have before, just not at a club obviously.
Everything was better in 1999.
Firm grip and wear gloves too small for your hands
Wear ear plugs. You will screw your hearing.
Drink at home.
Water.
Bring water.
Wow, there are a shockingly large number of people here experienced in the art of clubbing! How are seals not an endangered species?
I have many years of clubbing under my belt. My tips include:
Edit: Spelling and stuff. AND...
Girls might not ALWAYS just want drinks. Be nice, Buy them a drink. If they want more, it will be obvious. If not, then don't waste your time. Even my most handsome player friends went home along 75% of the time. Be confidant, but not delusional!
Don't buy girls drinks. Don't get phased when you get rejected. Have fun.
Stay away from the seals.
Peta hates reddit now.
do any aussies here remember when chris and craig called a canadian tourist info place and asked about clubbing and at the end asked "do we bring our own clubs?" the lady at tourism info was confused and they replied "coz you know, we want to club seals"
Wtf .
My phone is now cracked, because I was laughing too hard and I dropped my phone while reading the replies.
Now I have to turn my phone sideways to read the rest of the replies.
Don't waste your money, unless it's for a really good show. If it's just a club night, don't do it. Overpriced drinks and your hearing are not worth the hassle!
Understand that you aren't getting laid by that person you danced with for 3 songs. Just go and have fun.
Find the slowest baby seal and swing from the hips.
I DO NOT GET IT :(
learn how to freestyle dance. http://youtu.be/WvMTV_hfREU
With all the fedoras here in reddit, it's no wonder no one goes to discos
How the fuck did people start clubbing seals out of this? I'm lost to you beautiful minded people
I was thinking people or seals, no lie.
Molly? Have extra cigs to give?
Don't start right off with baby seals. You want to work your way up to clubbing the cuter animals, so start with opossums or something.
This is absolutely fantastic
Everyone is talking about seals.
Go with friends, get bottle service. It's cheaper than everyone getting drinks and you look like a baus.
Drink - water - drink - water - water - drink - water and repeat until you're satisfiably drunk.
Then, when you are finishing your night, drink as much water as you can until you go to bed.
When you wake up for the best pee of your life you'll notice you aren't nearly as hungover as poor Jordan who looks awake, but is actually asleep and virtually unwakeable.
Don't. Go to a bar instead
If you want to get lucky, you're going to have to learn how to club.
bottle service is a rip off. Why pay loads of money to sit at a table at a club? Its like the Hummer of club stuff (all show and no function and people secretly think youre a dick) Avoid bottle service
Use Jackie Chan.
Just remember that baby seals don't have feelings and enjoy!
You all a bunch of bastards I fucking love reddit lmaoooo
Aim for the base of the skull.
the real question is : how to not be self-conscious ?
Alcohol. Or a whole lot of practicing not giving a shit throughout the day as you start random conversations with strangers and do things people think is weird until it becomes normal.
Black out super hard.
What is your intent? Just dancing? Meeting people? For friends or sex? Are you going alone or with friends? What kind of place(s) are you going? Knowing your goal is very important to helping you directly.
Please don't bring your gun with you when you're out clubbing. Real men kill seals with wood and elbow grease.
You should ask your local Orc garrison for tips on clubbing, mate.
Don't black out too early.
Dance with any and everyone, don't be afraid
What the fuck happened here?
IIT: Fake ass Comedians.
My best advice for someone like you is to ALWAYS go with cool individuals and have a drink or two to loosen you up a LITTLE. If you don't drink, then just be yourself man. You don't necessarily have to dance or be a stud to enjoy the club! Have Fun!
Make sure the seal pup in question is at most two weeks old (softer fur). You can tell by the way they react to the clubbing, as older seals will recognize what is happening and attempt to escape where as young seal pups just cry and wail and are more or less uncertain of what's happening.
You're going to bump into people a lot. Don't worry about it and don't waste time apologizing. If you're at a club where you have to worry that someone will get offended for you bumping into them you're at the wrong club
As some one who goes out every single weekend. Just go and have fun. give 0 fucks what other people think be social and talk to new people and have a dance. Pre drinks are also a decent choice considering club prices are normally expansive.
And if youre not to afraid pop a pinger and dance all night.
When clubbing find one that would fit your music taste. Nothing worse than tryna get your groove on when your groove aint on.
what a weird post?
tips? go and have fun you dumbass
You're less likely to be vilified in the media if you have perfect bone structure when you're caught on camera clubbing an animal white people love.
The golden rule to clubbing: go hard or go home.
Bring cards so that you have something to do while waiting outside all night long.
Be a complete cunt, CONSTANTLY.
Dig the night
Repeat after me., "Do you wanna fuck or do I owe you an apology?!"
dont
Drunk
Learn to love all of the music by Pitbull.
Has anyone been to club pinniped? My friend Johan illiger says the beat just brings the dome crashing down...
As our god, lil john said: THOU SHOULD GET FUCKETH UPP!!
ITT: A thread about nightclubs that turned into a thread about Seals... now that we're on that topic... How's Chris Kyle doing?
Get drunk so you don't remember it the day after
As a Canadian, this thread has gone right up my alley eh?
Not sure if it's been said, but don't but drinks for girls from the get go. Start a conversation, have a bit of attraction, thwn maybe but her one to be nice. Never pay for too much to avoid being taken advantage of.
take lots of pills.
TIL you literally need a [serious] tag for everything.
I was seriously curious as to what tips "clubbers" would give a new clubber. No clue why. Fucking hate clubs. Never been to one.
But anyway, just a bunch of talk about seals. That went well over my head. Don't even know why Im here. Hello?
Tldr for the comments: reddit is not really into the clubbing op is talking about, so it pulls the switcheroo
ITT: Canadians
Start by joining the parties where they are all white
Get out of the way of people working... Its hard enough for me with 2000 plus not paying attention, just gimme some room. it helps a ton.
Stop going and find a nice piano or regular bar.
What the fuck is going on in this thread?!
First, you will have to deceide wich friends are suitable to go with and wich ones not. Dont waste your energy bringing friends who doesnt want to. Going solo is not for everyone, but gives you a lot of flexibility. If you like music, go to clubs where the music is. You will be surprised how much people spend just to look into faces, while venues where good djs play are not that expensive.
If you are looking into scoring, Get a secure exit back home. Limit your expenses, limit your expenses capabilities of you drunk. Dont try to score drugs on the club, they are expensive and unknown. Bring your own or dont do them. Check the club dress code and dress style. Unless the DJ playing is your best friend don't try to get into the cabin. Always bring condoms, fresh, reliable ones. For electronic music and maybe other genres, you dance for your self, and trying to make talk while dance to somebody you dont know is super unpolite, breaks the mood. Dont check your mobile phone, use it the minimum. Dont focus on keep the group altogether, keep calm and let it go if at some point you separate. A club without a dj is not a club. Good clubs will have an update website with the upcoming events, investigate wich DJs are they bringing, check their setlist, check their styles, check their faces. Time tables. Dont be agressive, and avoid any agressive place. Unless you know exactly well what are you doing, dont put yourself in the middle of a fight. You will feel a lot of ansiety, is normal, deal with it, enjoy managing it.
Best thing I learned from clubbing is that clubs always have a few tables on reserved for girls that are regulars and they are given complimentary bottles to go and be pretty for the club. Make friends with them and you'll essentially be able to drink for free. If you become good enough friends with them they might even let you bring girls you meet at the club to their table and give them drinks too. Clubbing on a budget is the best way to club.
I'm assuming you're talking about night clubbing!? It'll probably be dark so bring a headlamp and you'll still have both hands free for the seals.
My advice: be a girl
Just do it
I'm 29 and have a good relationship now. But I used to get around a bit. I have some advice. If you're a straight guy like I am you're probably going to clubs to get laid. Consider that most women there are either there to dance or get laid ad well. Consider if that's the type of woman you're interested it. If it's just casual sex, go for it. Just use a rubber cuz there are some truly dirty gals out there. If, however, you're looking for a marriage quality woman, look elsewhere. Don't marry a girl that's spent her twenties whoring herself out in random clubs.
Just bring a friend. The most important thing is the buddy system.
Always hit on the girl with the white pants...
That girl is the less likely to be on her period, so, she'll fuck.
Don't punch people.
Fuck! i wanted this to be an actual thread. Damn OP, the serious tag got you...
Call ahead. Get a table. A couple bottles of Moet and a bottle of Hennessy should do it.
Wear a helmet, those clubs can be dangerous
Wear a black patent leather catsuit and go to a fetish club.
I have never been before, but I would suggest going with plenty of friends that will watch out for you and help you if you ever get into any strife. I would also suggest assigning one of your friend's to be a designated driver if the whole group gets drunk, however the designated driver needs to be both trustworthy and reliable because no one wants to be driving home in a car of sloshed people including the driver. Last but not least obey the bouncers, don't start any fights and most importantly have fun! =D
Seals!
Use this as your soundtrack: https://youtu.be/_5xfw_1ncG8
This is one of the few askreddit threads I can actually give some advice on. So I'm not going to blow my chance, this is for people who want to go clubbing. The main and most important thing about clubbing is to have fun, don't go clubbing for a motive other than having a fun time. Clubbing can be expensive so be prepared to pay a few bucks here and there, of course this depends on where you are going to be clubbing. Move your body, don't be stiff the entire time, dance. Just dance like there is no tomorrow, doesn't matter if you suck at dancing or are the dancing queen, just dance and have fun. If you are there to get girls and pick them up, I suggest you don't really go to a club to do this sort of thing as the music is usually extremely loud and a lot of girls will hook up based on a guys looks. If you do decide to not take my advice of picking up girls in a club then you should try to smell nice, be good at kissing, have fun and don't give a shit about girls, that usually seems to work out for me quite well. Don't be nervous, even if it's your first time, get a drink, dance and have fun.
I think today we learned a very important lesson on using the serious tag.
Smacking people on the head leads to less resistance
makes me wonder if we should ask for a Clubber's AmA..
When I saw this I somehow thought that you were speaking about clubbing seals.
Back out now lol
Don't put an expensive bottle of perfume and a glass foundation bottle together in your handbag ladies.....I learnt this the hard way.
Don't know if you care about actual answers anymore, but here you go:
Don't listen to the haters in this thread. Nobody in life should let you feel bad about being curious.
Attire: look your best, because there can be clubs who enforce strict codes and turn you away. A button up shirt and non sagging pants and black shoes are all you need.
Most clubs have lists you can get into online. Majority of lists are free to get onto. This is your best bet to save on costs.
Unlike what "pickup artists" bullshit to you, clubbing is not about talking to every girl you see with a neg and getting them to fuck in the bathroom. For me, clubs are about music and dancing with your friends. Where else do you think you'll get a chance to dance in life?
Be polite and ask a girl to dance. You'll see guys who put their arms up and grind on a girls ass. I've met 0 girls who appreciate that.
Go with friends who like dancing. There's a chance no other girl at the club will say yes to a dance, and that's not your fault. Have a fallback plan to dance in a small circle with your friends, and enjoy the music and dance like nobody is watching.
For those looking for a serious tip: When you're talking to your friends, you'll often lean in close to their ears in order to talk over the music, you don't have to yell, just talk slightly louder than normal and they should hear you fine.
I hate it when drunk bitches start screaming in my ear about shit, don't do that, just talk at a reasonable volume in my ear about shit.
Don't piss on your friend in the middle of the club, you will get thrown out
GET ON THE GUESTLIST. Look on the club’s website or Google the club name & “guestlist.” You will likely not know the perks until you get there unless otherwise stated. In SF, I typically got comped admission & drink tickets to a private pouring of a brand sponsoring the night. In Vegas, typically I got to go into a line to go to the front of the main line, but still had to pay a full jacked up “guy” rate; or got free admission if on a slow weekday night.
PAY FOR PARKING. Assume free parking is not close by & is in a sketchy neighborhood where you’re going to get broken into, or is an unmarked yet impoundable street sweeping zone. Just pay the $12 for the nearest garage.
DON’T DRINK AT THE CLUB. Find a nearby locals bar. Club drinks are small, expensive, unimpressive, and very time consuming to obtain unless you’re a flirty, stacked blonde. EXCEPTION: If you have a DD, bite the bullet & buy them a $6 water or Red Bull as thanks for their time.
AVOID PEAK HOURS. Just go at 10pm & chill out inside with the opening set or you’ll wind up standing outside for hours. But don’t go too early at the advertised “DOORS OPEN” time because clubs ALMOST NEVER open on time.
DRESSCODE ENFORCED. Aim for a "smart casual" look: Dress shoes, no jeans, no t-shirts, no hats. (If you are on guestlist, this is required for entry because it makes the club look nice.) If you are paying admission, it’s bouncer’s discretion for admission = The fancier the club & busier the night, your odds decrease exponentially.
ON THE DANCEFLOOR: 1) If you like the music, dance — Even if there are only three other people. You will not die. And the opener will feel loved. 2) The dancefloor is for dancing, don’t ever be that douchebag just standing on the dancefloor. Ever. 3) If it’s, say, a tightly packed techno club, don’t break out into your dopest salsa moves because you will be constantly crashing into people. PRO TIP: If you observe this & are crashed into, “accidentally” elbow the guy in the spine, repeat as necessary to cease idiotic behavior. 4) Be cool, literally. If you’re lucky, you might find the A/C downdraft & you can dance all night without overheating.
God D!! I was really hopeing this was legit my S O just turned 21 and we are going out friday. Im older so i have been going out for a while now, she has only ever been to school function/dances or partys that were family related. Hmm ima ask females of reddit tomorrow Ig . Venting complete
If you see somebody hatin point em out
Take mandy along. She makes it a lot more fun.
Who is Mandy?is she related to Molly?
Go to controversial comments for some actual answers. Fucking Reddit man, seriously.
Lots of sporks in here I see
Aim for the head.
Don't do endzone dances on the dance floor, and don't mix liquor and beer
This is gonna go meta so quickly
Use resident advisor to find good events if you don't know any
DANCE MOTHERFUCKER! JUST DANCE!!!!
This is what the serious tag is for.
Dress appropriately.
Earplugs. Cash. Current I.D. Condoms.
And most importantly, a PLANNED way home (or to a friend/hookup) safely!!!!
Never smell your fingers.
Don't try too hard to make friends. Just play with people's puffles, and try to get them to come to your igloo, discretely. Don't take them to that horrible disco place though.
Watch this documentary and understand the history of clubbing. Might be biased towards the British.
[deleted]
You could look into some "official moves" if you take it that seriously, but I would just say listen to the music and if there's a song you really like, it will kind of guide you. So just move.
[deleted]
Literally everything is okay. You don't have to be an excellent dancer to go to a club. People are too busy with themselves to pay attention to you. Do you enjoy it when you're just moving in your own way to music you like? Then you're fine! If you want to be able to really do dance moves, that's a different story. You can absolutely practice that and get better at it if you put some time in it. I dance and I really found out that it's never too late to learn! It all depends on what you want.
Being someone who has worked at a Casino owned nightclub, heres my suggestions:
Dress appropriately. You will stand out if you make an effort to. People notice this, women notice you and men step aside.
Bring cash, not card: Bartenders will dislike you, which means slower drinks. When a bar is 3-4 deep and you're not a good tipper - you usually get shorted on service. Also, pick one bartender and stick to them - they're your supplier, take care of them.
Experience VIP Bottle Service: Depending on Bottle Service at some clubs, if you go with friends and you don't split the bill 7 times over - you'll all have a higher chance at spending less money by avoiding cover charge, bar cost (where I work, one well drink is $9 +tax) and you'll have a booth. Not to sound sleezy, but bottle babes are a real thing and yes, your chances of getting laid are increased significantly (most nightclubs don't offer seating, some girls just want to get off of their heels - offer it)
Experience Dancing: Nightclubs offer high energy, complex emotions and over - enthused emotions. Make the best of it all, appreciate the artistry in music, Entertainers / Performers and etiquette of the environment.
Most of all dude, have fun. A lot of people are intimidated by Nightclubs, I was before I worked at one. Scout out Ladies nights, check them out - pro tip, men are generally afraid of Ladies Night because they think it'll be a sausage cookout, usually it's not (free cover for ladies is like a blessing).
Anyways, feel free to DM me if you're in NY. I'll be happy to guest list you and show you around.
Good luck!
Go to a club if:
*you are in the mood to dance and enjoy doing so
*you have a couple friends or a group of friends you are looking to have a fun time with
*you don't mind loads of people or loud music
*you like people watching
*you are feeling level headed
*you don't take yourself too seriously
Do not go to a club if:
*you are just looking for a date
*you are just looking to get laid
Yes, sometimes people who go to a club date or have sex with someone they met at the club. Some clubs are a better scene for that and some people are even really adept at it. But for many people at many clubs, that's not going to happen 99% of the time and it's the folks that show up dedicated to finding somebody that night that end up un-fun-style-drunk, angry, and ready to fight at the end of the night because they did not (and continue to not) understand the situation they walked into.
Clubs are a fun place to goof with your friends, people watch, and chat up sexy and interesting folks you come across. If all you are interested in is dating or sex, there are tons of sites and apps for just that and you'll have better luck because you know that's what other people are there for too.
Drink before you go out. Ignore the regular girls in the clubs you frequent. This will subconsciously drive them batty. They will come to you or it will make them easier to pick up a while later. Also do go clubbing when you are older. Maybe different clubs. But the females are a lot nicer and the dynamics change after they reach their early 30's. Make the most of it ;)
Drink
$1 tip per drink. Except canned beer.
http://imgur.com/xqDxH3i
First rule of fight clubbing: ....
Wait I'm not allowed to say.
Have you been? It's amazing, everyone should go. I got there just after they called out the first 2 rules but I expect they were something to do with No Smoking. I'm telling everyone about it!
Call Tyler asap
Always keep a roll of nickels in one of your back pockets for protection?
I went to a tiesio nightclub while in vegas this last June. It was the day before edc actually so it was especially badass. I drank two overpriced drinks, and just danced. I had a blast, and after a few songs two chicks noticed I had that no fucks given attitude and danced with me. we all got drunk and played craps. Was a solid 300 dollar night.
This thread wins
Clubbing done the wrong way: Moving about too much. Not moving at all. Drinking too little. Drinking too much.
Also, try not to make it obvious you're out hunting with your mates. I mean, you don't want to give your position away to those seals now do you?
Oh Reddit... Sometimes I love you..
Use this photo for future reference
Also, my condolences to your dick in a tree, OP.
Can someone explain the seal thing?
Canadians club seals still.
Surely a best of reddit. Total derailment. I'd repost but don't know how yet.
Well I haven't been clubbing in years, grew out of that when I was like 19 but I'd been going since I was 16 due to looking older.
My advice? Take MDMA, Speed, basically anything like that. Everything else will come naturally to you, clubs are really boring unless you're on drugs.
I mean you could argue getting drunk on jagerbombs would also work but that's pretty boring too.
Make sure your not holding it to tightly. When your swinging the club, if your holding on to tight its going to be painful. However that said, don't hold it to loose or the club will go flying out of your hands.
I don't do clubs usually but the one thing I have learned is: Make friends with the bouncers and bartenders. Won't help you in the finding a partner area but it's honestly the best way to get in without even flashing ID or waiting in line. Tip the bartender well and don't cause any problems, just be a nice person.
If you want to be able to hang around and meet up with a member of the opposite sex or even just enjoy yourself you want to befriend staff.
I'm so fucking out of the loop can someone tell me what the fuck seals have to do with this? I understand the club part, but seals?
Cause some people club seals to death.
... Like who. Who clubs seals to death. I have never heard of that.
Seal hunters. Its awful, just look it up on youtube.
Go for the fat furry ones. Seal skin is best when it's taken from the tubby blubby ones.
Aim for the back of the neck and dont look into its eyes.
Approach from the back and avoid eye contact with the seal
Yes, definitely pregame. I don't know what city you are in or if in a city at all, but typically buying drinks at a club is usually pretty pricey. Also drink a little off the top as soon as you get your drunk to at least try to avoid the inevitable of spilling on someone while trying to walk by. Also, just don't be a creep and you'll have a good time!
Don't.
Try MDMA.
For some reason whe you said clubbers of reddit I thought of people who club seals.
ITT: Actual night clubbing advice, with a baby seal clubbing twist.
BOOOOOO. (Seal clubbing)
Jagerbombs
Try to go clubbing with someone who's been before, then you'll manage to dodge all the shitty bars you would of wasted your time getting in and get straight to the popular ones.
You'd think the joke is beaten to death after a few times, but noooooo. Scrolled down half way through the page, still about fucking clubbing seals. Wtf Reddit.
Don't do it :(
Fuckin RAGE!!!
Best to feel relaxed when you do it so I like to listen to something soothing like 'Kiss From a Rose' by Seal
If all else fails liquid courage will save the day but in moderation enough for courage to kick kn
Just act like you belong there.
Don't.
No advice will help anyone unless you know why are you going there for.
Enjoy the music, keep yourself hidrated, be happy, don't piss people off and, if you do feel like taking MDMA, do one little teeny tiny bit at a time and wait at least 30-40min in between takes in order to control the effects.. Have fun!
Swing from the elbow.
Here's a tip; go somewhere other than a club
If you're looking for gear get it through friends. Not all drug dealers are horrible people but lots are.
Make sure to go for the slow seals. The faster ones are more of a challenge for beginners.
You don't want one to heavy because you'll tire yourself out to quickly and not to light because you want to get the right swing. Just practice a few times maybe on watermelons or pumpkins first to get your technique right. Otherwise just get out there and enjoy.
Long time fan of clubbing here.
The best thing to know when going clubbing is that first and foremost, you're doing it for you. You aren't doing it to impress people. You aren't doing it to prey on women.
You're doing it to have a nice night out, and if you keep in that mentality, the seals will practically come to you, begging to be bashed in the head.
Don't go with the expectation that you will have sex and you will have a much better time. In my first few months of Uni, I went out thinking "Oh yeah, I'll be waking up somewhere else tonight!" which wasn't completely untrue, as I woke up on a friends sofa and in my own Kitchen. When I stopped doing that, I had a lot more fun, I was a lot more relaxed, and it was just overall much more enjoyable!
I find that its more fun if you bring sand to the beach, bring a date. even if its just a friend, chances are you will meet more chicks because shes with you.
Stay home and play video games .
Earplugs.
Take a bottle cap with you, in the UK especially they often sell you a bottle of water but bin the cap.
get really high, take drugs.
Pre-game somewhere before you go
Don't fuck with doormen, or we will fuck with you. And trust me your drunk, we're not, you don't want that.
If you live in London, go to fabric. Oh and put a lock code on your phone. You'll get asked to prove it's your phone and the unlock code is less embarrassing than showing pictures of yourself on the phone...
How come you're asked to prove that?! It's been a while since I've been clubbing, admittedly, but I'm baffled here!
Because lot of phone theft. Every single person is searched going in and out. Phones are the primary target
(1) Hold the small end; bash with the large end. (2) Don't be taken in by the allure of spikes. THe things you club are likely to become stuck on them, making further clubbing more difficult. (3) Remember: clubs are for killing. A blow to the back of the head is highly likely to be fatal. Do not attempt to "just knock someone out for an hour". For that purpose, you would probably want to use certain drugs, the kind you might learn about by asking people who frequent nighttime drinking establishments -- not by wasting your time asking a bunch of clubbers!
Hey man, if you're going night clubbing the best bit of advice I could probably give you would be wear something practical. A head torch so you can see the Seals easier is probably the most practical thing you can wear. Enjoy!
I am laughing my fuking ass off
I hate you all....
Aim for the neck.
Late for the party.
If you are going clubbing, I have to say the best confidence booster is to figure out what the club is in the first place. It's not an entity, it's a bunch of people like you going to listen and dance with a bunch of people like you. In other words, they are coming to see YOU. Of course, you are coming to see them, but either way, you're just as important to the party as any of them. Know that you are needed and wanted to keep the party going and have a blast! Everyone is drunk and don't give a fuck how you dance.
P.S. If you go to the club expecting to hook up with someone, YOU'RE GOING TO HAVE A BAD TIME. You'll hook up with someone when you're just fucking around.
If you're hitting on her and she doesn't give your number, just keep on hitting.
wear earplugs.
Remember to wear nice clothes, nothing formal or anything, just something you feel good in. Its a lot easier to bash that seals brains out if your feeling good about the way you dressed and that you planned ahead!
I live in the western suburbs of chicago, and I go to clubs every so often. I would like to go more, but I've had more than one bad experience going down town. It usually ends up with one of my friends getting too drunk and getting kicked out, getting too drunk and pass out, or some how having my shit stolen or lost...which has happened to me twice, a friend once, and my gf once.
With that being said...
pace yourself. - If you're going to pre-game, dont over do it before you get there. I know you want to save money and have a good time, but you obviously want yo be safe too. especially if you're the designated driver. If you dont pace yourself, you might get too drunk and not even notice how drunk you are until you're outside of the club and all your friends won't answer their phones. Not fun. You dont want to be kicked out for passing out in a booth somewhere, just to end up passed out in the street with your shoes, wallet, and phone missing. Every club that I've been to always charge for water, bartenders want to make their money so they won't give you a glass of water, instead, they will sell you a bottle. Pace yourself.
Protect your shit - the time I had my shit stolen was from a pick pocketer. I was dancing with a girl who had really sticky fingers, and didnt even notice until it was too late. I went for my phone and it was gone. I freaked out and the first thing I checked for was my wallet, which relieved me for a second, only to realize my credit car and cash were gone. This girl went into my wallet, took my shit, and put my wallet back without me even noticing. My girlfriends stuff was another story, we just got to the club, and she had her little wallet purce bracelet thingy with her cards, cash, ID and other miscellaneous things in it. She took her card out, set her wallet thing on the bar, opened her tab, and whomever the person was next to her jacket the whole thing.---just protect your shit.
Dont buy drugs in the club - I dont do drugs(anymore), but I have friends that do. My suggestion, is just to bring your own shit before you go. You dont want to buy some shit from a guy who has bad shit or would rip you off. I remember reading a story where a guy would dry out his cum, put it into bags and sell it to people in clubs as Molly. --- just dont do it, brah.
Try and network with some club promoters - A lot of promoters will tell you to drop their name at the door as a password for free entry. The clubs that I go to also give you four free drink tickets if you use the password before midnight. Pregame, four free drink tickets, and free entry calls for a good night.
Just have fun and be safe - Who gives a shit who's looking, just dance and have a good time. If you're going to talk to a girl, do it in a quieter place.
Charging for water? Wow. I'm glad where I live it's part of law that all on-license venues must have a free supply of water.
The very purpose of the designated driver is that they do not drink and remain sober.. Therefore pregaming as the DD is completely pointless.
When I DD I dont pregame at all, maybe a few drinks at the club throughout the night and I am ok to drive.
If you're planning on staying in for at least three hours there's nothing wrong with a few (STRESS - A FEW, NOT SEVERAL) drinks before you leave. You do have to be aware of exactly how much you've had though, the general rule is an hour minimum for each drink you've had past the first (depending on the laws and standard drink size of your country/state).
Remember to drink enough, depending on what music you listen to Water will be your best friend in the club.
Ok theres enough seal jokes in here so I'll bite as someone who goes out a lot. This is my strong opinions coming from Berlin, Germany but assuming most people reading are americans. If you follow these rules you will actually enjoy your evening and leave the club saying "woah that was fun" rather than "thank god that's over". Some of these opinions are not tips on how to have fun they're tips on impressing women in a club which is simply not the same as having fun. One follows from the other but trying to get laid over all other priorities never leads to having fun. anyhoo, as follows.
Don't If you're going to a club thats just drunk people paying a lot for bottles. it's not worth it and it isn't clubbing.
Dont go anywhere with a smart dress code to club, it isn't clubbing it's a bar and probably a massively over-priced one.
Don't go to clubs that are taking advantage of men wanting to have sex the club won't be fun for women or men. (Would you go somewhere you're getting annoyed by people ALL evening?). Go with your gut on this.
Do Go to a Tech-House club or whatever, take ONE ecstasy (maybe two, but don't get wrecked to the point you can't dance or communicate its over-rated) and move ur hands and body in time with the music for 5 hours.
Don't bother talking to girls on the dance floor just do it outside in smoking area etc, then you won't look like a prick you probably aren't a prick but you always look like one when you're looming over a girl trying to dance.
If you aren't a prick you'll get invited to afterparties and have even more fun
Constantly move to where there's space. On the flipside of this don't be a prick and take up loads of room (see the prick rule)
Do enjoy yourself. Clubs are best when treated as a big release from giving a fuck for a while not a bar (bars are cheaper to drink at than clubs and easier to talk to people too). Don't feel under pressure to look cool in a club in terms of your outward appearance.
Ideal group size is small as possible. Go in a three with two girls is my ideal group size. a) less cat-herding and shit to deal with b) you can actually dance and enjoy yourself as a group rather than as a huddle c) you're small enough that you can just percolate loosely through the crowd dancing and go off for a ciggarette and to talk to people when you feel.
If it's the kind of party where it goes on for 3 days constantly etc. Don't feel under pressure to stay the whole time if you aren't actually having fun. There is no reward for staying awake for 2 days shuffling like a zombie (believe me I've tried). Go with a goal and have lots of fun in 5 hours as mentioned and then leave when you're on a high but can't dance anymore. If you want to go for 10 hours then you'll do it without thinking about it, not by struggling towards a goal.
Source: Have "fun in a club" down to a science with friend through years of refinement.
(What the fuck?)
I used to work taking coats and payment on the door of a nighclub in the UK;
Don't be a dick to the door staff, they don't think you're funny, its Friday / Saturday night and they are working. Don't hit on or be rude to the people you are paying in either. Both have the right to refuse you entry. Same for bar staff. They are going as fast as they can and you won't get served any quicker by being rude, yelling at them, pushing in or waving money at them.
Don't drink so much you aren't in control. Puking, starting fights or bothering women will get you swiftly kicked out and you'll find yourself cold, pissed and alone with nowhere to go but home.
Don't take drugs. It's just not worth it.
TRY and keep some money back for your taxi home if you need one. Nothing worse than shivering outside wondering how long it'll take to walk 7 miles home.
If you're a lady, be aware there are female members of staff about if anyone is bothering you. Also be very careful with your drinks and don't leave them unattended.
If someone starts on you because they are a drunken dick, just walk away, apologise even if you did nothing wrong. A bit of shoving or pushing and the bouncers don't care who started it, they'll chuck you both out.
Don't hit on or be rude to the people you are paying in either.
Coat Check girls tend to be super flirty for tips, but guys don't always understand its for the money kind of tips while they are drinking...or otherwise.
I missed a trick then as I never expected tips!
I'd tell you, if it wasn't for my rampant alcoholism.
Be responsible with drugs if you are doing them. I've been clubbing for about 6 years now and have seen so many people take too much too soon. If you are doing them, remember it's a long night and it isn't a race. Stay with a friend and if you start to feel ill go to a medical room.
Always have a gram of weed with you !!
came here for advices... k watever.
THIS IS ALL VERY FUNNY
Ohyeah . The younger they are, the easier they are. Some will get you to buy you a drink. But these are wrong seals. Drinks are given not demanded. If you come across these seals. Grab it by the tail, and smash it to zhe grouunndd.
That awkward moment when I don't understand the references to the seals...
EDIT: Please! Someone elaborate :(
But why are clubs called clubs?
Drink lots of water. Dance. Have fun. Simple really.
Walk tall, but don't act too aggressive, you don't want to scare the females off, but you also don't want to get attacked by the males. When you get your chance to swing, don't hesitate. Just...WHACK...smack it. If you do it right, you'll have yourself a nice dinner. Then, if you're really lucky, you'll take that woman home and make love to her.
Take a fuckload of MDMA and you'll be good
seals love to dance before being clubbed
Aim for the head. Blunt brain trauma kills the seal more quickly and saves effort
Walk softly, but carry a big stick.
Earplugs will make the experience much safer for your ears, you can feel the beats through your body, and that's all you need.
Listen to this song for further inspiration.
They get old very fast and you can find better quality women somewhere else. Club girls aren't really that classy even in classy places.
Shy people get nowhere.
I pity the fool!
take some drugs yo
Get drunk, do drugs, dance and ignore what people think about you. Especially animal rights activists
What happens when you don't say Serious at the beginning of post.
Clubbing sucks. Don't go clubbing.
Water is your best friend but so are cranberry vodkas. Only go to clubs is its a dj or type of night it is. Some clubs do themed night and they're pretty fun. But bars are the best, especially if you're watching someone perform.
ITT: Seals.
Nr1. never talk about the club
Hold out a 20 dollar note to get the barkeep's attention, don't start shit, drunk ppl are unpredictable, if you find yourself in confrontation, just apologise, if they push it, offer to buy them a drink as a peace offering, then go to another bar/club.
smoke cigarettes to change the setting, prob best place to talk to ppl too. Get over your insecurities, avoid being obviously social awkward like most ppl. In convo, ask questions, ppl at clubs tend to have a flair for vanity and are already putting themselves on a pedestal, establishing their "coolness" in this social scene. Insecurity also will lead you to hover over a comfortable territory. Avoid that. Move purposefully, but not in obvious patterns if you do find yourself seeking out favored perches of your club. Drink lots of water. Make sure you don't get overheated and look out for the party ppl around you. Cognizant cool ppl don't respect loafish toe-stompers, gain awareness of all the dumb oblivious ways ppl act in a crowd. google "PLUR" these kind of tenets aren't really passed down as much as they should, but keeping this mindset will help you weed out the goofs a little and find some hep cats.
As a bartender at a popular nightclub, tip big first, go to the same person all night, get to know them and you'll be served fast and properly. Be able to buy girls drinks with a 'hookup'. You don't have to spend hundreds of dollars to feel like a baller as long as you do it right and with confidence.
Stay home and do situps to make yourself more attractive. Clubbing sucks.
Appear like a mysterious stranger 15 min before closing. Your friends will be glad you could make it.
Use the positive energy to hit on every girl above a 4. Just do it, you awkward dolt. They are likely both bored and drunk.
Buy your own drugs before you go to the club!
Find your niche: Every club is different and adheres to different standards eg. Music, atmosphere, crowd.
Go scouting, it takes some time to find the club you like best, if you happen to find it right away, good for you.
All else fails, take drugs.
Don't be a group of guys, as you'll not get let in clubbing.
That many scares the seals away.
Is this a drug free clubbing advise thread?
Drink whiskey and have a good time. Seriously.
Don't be afraid to look the fool intially and dance like you don't give a fuuuk, once you get into enjoying dancing for yourself peoples are gunna start to enjoy dancing next to you.
make sure you shave your tree
Don't go.
One question to people who go to clubs: why? I never got the appeal. Seems every time I tried it I went home reeking of cigarettes and having temporary (?) loss of hearing.
Keep your drink with you all the time, don't stare at anyone in the wrong way. Ensure girls do not have boyfriend before you start dancing with them, if you're taking drugs make sure you're with people you trust. And the most important thing, have fun. :D
That's about it.
If you're going to do drugs don't buy them at the club. They're more expensive and you can't test them.
Girls: Don't leave your drink, make sure you see drinks being made if brought for you by strangers, don't leave coats\bags laying around.
Guys: Don't be a dick.
Come on, just have fun!
Man everyone's talking about killing, and I'm just sitting here ready to party...
Don't bother.
If you are a guy, learn to dance. I don't spit game, I am average looking, but because I could dance very well I got in some panties otherwise unobtainable. Women love guys who dance and dance well.
Watch We Are Your Friends and do the complete opposite.
Also, don't get stuck finding one DJ you like and following him/her about everywhere. Instead, find a club you like and one that has a good reputation for resident nights. Then rely on its reputation and visit a few of the residencies to discover new DJs. A good example is Corsica Studios in London. It's a small(ish) two-room club that has a great reputation for in-house programming. I have discovered great DJs just by going out on a whim and relying on its reputation for consistently throwing a good party.
This thread gets my seal of approval
Don't wear your best shoes.
I actually want to know. It's a shame that every fucking thread needs a serious tag for people to give good answers.
Don't try impress people, just be yourself, even if that means not having the best dance moves or not being the most confident person in the room
The white seals are slower than the black ones so go ahead and club them first you can always chase the black ones down
Aim for the head, thats where it hurts the most.
take loads of MDMA and get over yourself
Can you go clubbing if you're already a rampant alcoholic? I don't want to miss a single seal...
Dont bother most clubs are overpriced on purpose where i live a double jd n coke will set u back seven or eight pounds at least pubs r better find one with live music drinks will be marginally cheaper too if u still wanna go spend half your wages in a night and feel bad next day pre drink before u go out then you at least save something dnt get too wasted before u get to the club if you are the bouncer will turn you away
Get some awesome Ecstasy pills, make sure you know the guy and he's reliable and then have an awesome time!
Never leave your drink unattended.
Else a seal might pee into it.
Hell yes. Reddit does not disappoint!
TACTICAL CHUNDERS
Get drunk before. Only buy a few drinks there, and never leave them anywhere unattended. If you do, get another drink.
Go to free parties, clubs are a waste of money. just get in touch with some guys that throw up speakers illegally wherever they want and have some free fun. It's not hard to find in the EU, dunno about NA.
don't worry about cops, as long as you're not being a hazard to something or someone (and these parties never are, because they're not retarded) all they will do is roll up the party and let everyone go home (don't be drunk and try to drive...).
What's a seal's least favourite drink?...
A Canadian Club on the rocks!
Drugs help
drink first before you smoke weed
Ok, we've had some word that there is some bad red rope licorice circulating in the crowd. Please stay away from the red rope licorice. Do not bite any off or chew it. It could cause a dental emergency... :P
If you go out thinking you HAVE to get laid, you probably aren't going to get laid. Just enjoy your night, dance, get drunk. Whatever happens happens, if you don't set yourself up to be disappointed then you can only be pleasantly surprised.
A million times this! Going out isn't about getting laid, it's about having a wicked good (and often drunk) time! Just have fun, dance and drink! If you get laid at the end of the night then that's awesome! If you don't, that's great too!
I've always found a not-to-firm grip on the handle during the downswing helps prevent too much shock being transferred to your hand at the moment of contact.
What are you taking about? Clubbing died in the early 2000s. There are still clubs around? If so, where?
Europe
Ahh ok, that makes sense.
Always take mdma before clubbing seals.
If the bar is packed, tip the bartender a five and make eye contact. Theyll appreciate it and serve you much faster the rest pf the night
A sharp blow right behind the ear is generally most effective.
Tip 1: Clubs that don't accept trainers (or sneakers of you're American) are not worth going to. Tip 2: Ecstasy
Always ask for no ice when you buy a drink. Never order ice when seal-hunting in the arctic.
For people as confused as I was.
During the slaughter, baby seals are shot or repeatedly clubbed. Sealers bludgeon the animals with clubs and “hakapiks” (metal-hook–tipped clubs) and drag the seals—who are often still conscious—across the ice floes with boat hooks.
If you're gonna do it, hit the baby seals in the head with one hard swing. It's the most humane way.
Never leave your table unattended.
Start off with the small seals then work your way up to the bigger ones.
Arent these guys so funny with their seal clubbing jokes.
Take a change of socks. As well as sunglasses and a hat. If you come out of an after after after party two days later you will damn well need them.
Do not take your credit/debit card out! You'll end up using to buy others drinks and then to buy that £8 massive burger from jakes.
Always take two hits of acid.
Stick to the darker corners and use a blackjack, it makes much less noise.
Whats going on here? The comments confuse me. Someone please explain?
Op meant people who go to dance clubs, everyone is replying as if he meant clubbing seals. https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Seal_hunting
Oh. Okay...
Seriously, hit the dance floor and just Dance ridiculously. The people who attract attention on the dance floor aren't necessarily good dancers, they're just very clearly enjoying themselves.
Just let go and act ridiculous. It's super fun and people will join in on your fun.
Be polite to the security/staff at the club. Security tend to remember genuine politeness and respect and the goodwill you generate may help you later in the night when some asshat picks a fight with you and security have to work out who gets kicked out based on second hand information.
This trick also works with the police. I have witnessed literally thousands of arrests and the common trend is the guy who can speak calmly to the police is the one who doesn't end up in cuffs. The one that's still amped up and yelling - well the other guy may well have started it but the police didn't see that, they see what's in front of them and make a judgement based off that impression (and any witnesses - wiley and elusive creatures).
Source: worked as a nightclub guard for close to a decade. Got a rep as a good nightclub guard and ended up founding a security company that specialized in nightclub security (Australia).
If youve gotta yak, find a booth and let it happen. Then, when you se m'lady's walking towards it to inevitably sit and take selfies, you can be the hero of the day and tell them you saw someone yak there. +5 charisma
Google "buddy system"
https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Buddy_system
Remember to shower and freshen up before you go, and wear smart, clean clothes. If your skin is dirty and/or you go in creased up and unclean clothes, you'll find the blood harder to wash off and the smell will linger much longer.
Don't go alone
Get drunk prior. Take mates. Eye contact at the bartenders or else they will ignore you if the bar is full. Don't be a dickhead.
Have fun. Clubbing is great when you have friends around.
Get laid.
Remember to drink water
It seems I am 13 hours too late to make a joke :(
The better the music the more fun you'll have dancing, be really really picky about the music don't fall into the trap of just taking a bunch of drugs and liking anything here are some amazing amazing music out there remember it's all about the music
Statement that appears to be about going to clubs. Hilarious seal clubbing punchline. Am I doing this right?
Hi i'm here in my garage. Shall i tell you what i love more than the ability to club? KNOWLEDGE
I'm not into baseball sorry.
American Clubbing or Europe Clubbing?
Enjoy.
Put your back into it
just dance, gonna be OK, tarururu, just dance, poker face.
Zip pockets! I have lost no end of wallets/id's and a couple phones.
For me, it's not necessarily where you go (although it helps) but who you go with. If your with the right group of people any situation can becone fun. Alcohol is you friend. I dont like to get blind drunk but to a level that I'm giddy and is easy to maintain for a couple of hours. If you drink too much however, you run the risk of breaking the seal.
Before I tried it in the real world I practiced using a great simulator at newgrounds.com.
Damn the predictable seal joke was really killed to death huh?
If you are a guy going to try and pick up, try to go with female friends with whom there is only a mutually platonic interest. When other women see that women trust/like you enough to hang out with you socially, it is much easier to talk with strange women.
Always have an emergency $20 in your wallet or purse.
friday and saturday is the best night to go out.
don't take pain killlers if you have a hangover, it's really bad for you.
Don't get too drunk. You don't want to be the guy who brings home pelts covered in vomit
Don't waste your money.... Travel.
Don't club anyone or anything bigger than you. It'll make a mess.
r/bestof
Friends, friends, friends. Everyone needs someone watching out for them. One person gets too drunk, gotta have the person there ready to take action. Power in number. And hey, everything is more fun with friends too.
Swing hard and first for the face.
this woman has all the info you need. All the moves too.
Some of the comments are very funny, nah, just have fun. Do not feel pressured to take drugs, if you do take drugs make sure you are with experienced people and you know you have good drugs (as much as you can). If you are taking drugs start with just taking half the normal amount. Stop drinking alcohol after you have taken the drug and drink lots of water. Just have fun!!!
Stand around looking at your phone, don't approach any girls because of social judgement, do not dance in fear of looking like an anus, complain about how expensive the drinks are, then go home saying about how you should have stayed in.
This whole fucking post deserves gold
X
TIL clubbing is big deal in Reddit... For me its usually go like this
Plan A
Plan B
For the Tips all I can say is
Wear something proper
Too much guy friends mehh, best number is 2
Dont try those pick-up stuffs, If you have fun girls will come to you, or not
Remember peoples are busy having some low self-steem... Probably no on is judging you
Fighting is best done in the ring, not at club. Having Pride isnt anything manly. Walking away from drunk idiots what makes you real man
I sincerely hope you're talking about nightclubs and not seals..
Stop going to them when you start to approach 30 years of age
Hey there club head here... it get addicting sometimes your ...look for a number to text or call for free before 12 special save $30. (2 drinks). Work on your hand gesture to communicate with women or guy w.e your prefer.bring attractive people with you skip the line.Bottle service don't do it waste of money.Do the math get rejected by 20 people keep going at least 1 of 50 will not lol it's a number game or a waiting game for people get loose.Last but not least jave fun who cares who is witching
God this thread is filled with try-hards.
Don't go to an EDM club but rather to a real techno club
Wear a fucking condom.
Carry protection.
Adult seals are faster and more violent than most first timers realize.
Seal the deal.
Always Pre drink. Alcohol is expensive.
this is literally the funniest thread i read through all the years \^^
Don't be afraid to dance. I dunno the genre of music, but at Drum n Bass clubs no one cares how you dance. They just appreciate that your jamming out.
When we used to go out to techno nights we went in a pack and even though we'd splinter off, we always met at the left of the DJ booth by the speaker.
Beside that; don't drink the wine, don't buy shitty cheap beer, stick to whiskey if you can, put your phone away and enjoy yourself.
Be prepared for the possibility that you'll get random drinks spilled on you from people half-assedly holding their drinks.
Why are all of you joking around? OP might really need some serious help. All I can say is, bend your knees and use your legs; when clubbing, their could be plenty of unneeded strain on your back. Also, with a lower base, it would take less hits with more strength to kill the seals.
YOU'RE GOOD. YOU'RE GOOD. YOU'RE GOOD (leedle leedle leedle lee).
wat
Whats up with the clubbing srsly
Try to hide your erection by tucking it behind your belt. Otherwise you scare the seals off before you can bash 'em.
Play "what is love" and nod your head repeatedly. Repeat. Never get onto the Roxbury.
Pity all the fools.
I prefer lettuce and cheese on mine.
Always bring a towel, you never know when your clubbing and you get drunk people all over your jacket.
This has easily become my favourite thread on this entire site.
Don't pre-game too much or you might get too drunk too fast. Then you'll probably miss on your first swing and scare the seal away. This costs valuable time!
recognize it's really not that fun and get super trashed before going so you only have to buy a shot (or 4) at the bar to help take some of the edge off the social pressure...and come prepared to leave drenched in alcohol from the cups of strangers if you brave the dancefloor
Have fun ,be playful,and the rest follows.
I hated clubs for the longest time, but now I love going to a good nightclub. I think the difference is I feel more comfortable now just being myself and dancing my ass off even though I don't think I'm particularly "good" at dancing at all. Just do your fucking thing, man or woman.
Also trying MDMA for the first time at some edm shows opened my eyes (ears?) to the beauty and epicness of live electronic music. I've only done it a few times but the appreciation has lasted without having to take the drug again.
Also, ear plugs. And maybe a flask too so you don't break the bank. Just go with people you love who know how to have a good time, dress nicely, and let loose.
Aim to maim, their squeals make the clubbing experience a 10/10.
T-34/76 1942.
Make sure you set up lots of disco balls and strobe lights. This will distract the seals while you're clubbing. Make sure the music is loud enough to keep the other seals from hearing what you're doing.
You guys are so boringly predictable.
Ya gotta get schwifty
Relax, don't feel pressured to dance until you are comfortable. Or don't dance at all. I can honestly say the best part of clubbing is the electricity of the Crowd when everyone's dancing and in sync
If you don't like it at first, its probably not going to grow on you. Maybe I'm wrong..
Any advice you get is gonna go out the window once you get with a girl. Pregame is probably the only advice you can stick with for sure that will help you out. You're gonna buy overly priced drinks, you're gonna wait in line, you might do the stupidest money flashing thing every and that's bottle service. Just remember that when you get home later that night, you could've done this all for a lot cheaper by buying a standard club and applying directly to the forehead of the seal. Apply directly to the forehead.
The seal has been broken
MDMA
Kudos to all of the great seal posts, but let's be real for a minute. I personally like to go on yelp and find a club that appears to be exclusive but not overly so. Look for one that is pricey enough that the riff raff stays away, but not so pricey that you're in line all night. Lines, by the way, can get crazy if you show up after ten, so pregame and head over around 9:30 or so. Something else to think about is being friendly with the doorman. Everyone thinks this means tipping heavily, but just shooting the breeze can be enough to get you some perks. A good doorman rewards nice, friendly dudes by letting them in just as some nice females are entering, giving you a chance to strike up conversations. Like anything in life, your milage may very but this has worked for me. So just got for it, have a good time, and live it up man! OH one more thing, read the first letter of each sentence for another insider tip
Hahaha thanks reddit, this shit helps the sadness and misery
Get it out of your system before your mid twenties because you might end up to be that thirty year old person trying to still be "cool".
I mean it's still alright when you're twenty five but seriously... You should be expanding your horizons a bit.
This is coming from Canada where you can club at 19.
There is already one with the name "Lang", you will need to find your own name because he doesn't pity a fool.
As a male speaking,ask a girl if she wants to dance instead of creeping behind her and start humping. If she says no, whatever, ask the next girl.
Go having no expectations and pre game.
hit hard
Drink some alcohol. Then go get another drink. Then, after that; go get a drink. Once you start feeling it, start moving to it. The end
Choke up on the grip, keep your eyes on the target, swing with your hips, and follow through.
Entire thread filled with typical bullshit. Back to r/trees.
Nobody cares how dumb you look dancing because they look just as stupid. If you still feel nervous about dancing, that's what the alcohol is for.
Don't take drugs with alcohol... take 'em as much as you like. But don't drink and experiment. Good drugs get the wrap for deaths and bad experiences. But I am 90% sure alcohol is to blame for most of these.
Learn to 2 step, simplest dance move there is
Even chickens are going clubbing: http://www.huffingtonpost.com/entry/chicken-mcnuggets-abuse-video_55e005d6e4b0aec9f352d0d1
You should lead with a spade instead. Or at least go no-trump.
Just do it
You said you'd club tomorrow yesterday. Don't let your clubbing dreams be dreams. Just do it. Go club the shit out of it.
Make sure you always watch the drinks served to you. A friend of mine took a drink from someone in a club near her university, not knowing it was drugged. She was raped because of it.
That's the only best advice I can give you.
Buy your own MDMA/ ecstasy before you go clubbing and buy some assholes untrustworthy shit at massive priced when youre drunk.
if you need a confidence boost, go to a club with a slightly older crowd. I have never been hit on more often or more sweetly than at a club with patrons mostly in their late 20s and early 30s.
Still the greatest
Double tap is key. Don't want the baby seals to get away.
Don't overindulge on alcohol! Your movements will be harder to control, so you'll look really spastic out there. Also, you'll probably miss with your first swing if you're intoxicated, and you could potentially lose the seal.
This. I go out of my way not to get smashed at a club vs a bar. When I'm going to a bar I could care less. Your chances of bumping into someone and starting a beef or bringing back ugly chick are higher at a club (at least for me). Stay in your "zone" and net that seal :O
The material of the club is very important. I personally use an aluminum one, both durable and light
Now if it's your first time then I would suggest drinking a little before heading out. If you are feeling brave I might suggest ecstasy, it makes the colors brighter and gives you that wonderful euphoric feeling. For a first selection I would advise a slow light selection so that you aren't to strained as the night goes on. The major mistake that most people make is that they think that a bigger club is better but really a small club does the same job you might just need to hit it a few more times. If you need help finding a place to go clubbing just head over to the nearest zoo and jump in. After your first clubbing experience you'll be hooked and will be chasing that perfect seal for the rest of your life.
Use a steel baton. Its much lighter and does just as much damage as a wood club. Especially if you are into clubbing baby seals
If you are a girl, take a couple a folded tissues. There is never any loo paper in the bathrooms.
Shop at Wet Seal
Don't leave your drink unattended... Someone may drug you, or a bartender/busser will throw it out and you will be annoying as fuck if you complain about it.
Drink your drink or make sure you have your eyes 100% on your drink all the time. If in doubt, DO NOT DRINK. It might just save you from a very, very bad night.
Always keep track of your drink at all times. There's all kinds of Bill Cosbys in clubs nowadays.
Lol, dont drink.
this post will be on /r/bestof very soon
edit* /
Came here for this tbh
Wear plaid and quote Owen Wilson movies.
Take drugs all drugs...dance all night without being a self conscious fool. Oh and don't buy alcohol n a club, its what noobs do. Clubs aren't for drinking, they for dancing and partying and yelling in your friends ear so you lose your voice.
Don't go sober, and bring a date to dance with. So your not gonna be one of those guys on the wall being mad at themselves for being too sober or alone.
One of the only serious replies I saw on this thread
somethingsomething unoriginal seal joke
Some seals are especially bouncy (these are known as "bouncers") and will fight back if you club too hard. If you're quick on your feet, you can club these ones too.
Choke up on the handle until you have the grip strength to go the distance.
Hit the seal RIGHT IN THE FUCKING FACE.
Hit the baby seal squarely at the base of the skull for greatest success.
You can't think of the seal as an actual living animal. But mostly just try to have fun with it :D
On a more serious note:
I didn't start clubbing till I was 21. I remember my first time. It was pretty awkward. There were sooo many people and I didn't know what to do. A friend of mine just said just to do what they do. Suddenly I hear this weird techno music and everyone starts cheering and head banging. Anyways, I clubbed the first seal I saw on the head. 10/10 would go clubbing again.
MDMA
96% of the people in that club are just as self concious and nervous as you are. 2% is juiced up douchers. The other 2% are expierenced and probably there for the artist. Otherwise just do you. There's no right or wrong way to go clubbin.
People who are advertising their molly or any drug and approach you with "hey you want x drug?" 100% have a fake or shitty product. Look for the guy who's sweating balls and can't stop touching shit and ask where he got it.
Best advice I can give: there ARE people who are looking for a fight, but for the most part, they are fairly noticeable. Give them their space, keep your head down and move on.
Yeah, watch out for male seals around mating season.
Tips:
1) Stay home 2) Find something better to do 3) Don't go
God damnit reddit.
Titty dancer here.
If you sit on the main stage while a girl is dancing. TIP a girl a few dollars while you gawking. If you are not tipping please step away.
Females that enter strip clubs in groups or a girlfriend. Whatever. Females in general. Same rules apply to you too. Quit grabbing my ass and trying to finger me while I'm giving you a lap dance.
I could go and on. But those are my biggest pet peeves.
what a garbage thread
This thread is absolutely retarded and you should all be ashamed of yourselves.
i can only give advice from the female perspective but here goes: always have your own money and a way to get yourself home if your friend(s) bail.
Do not bail on your friends.
Watch your drink. Dont accept drinks from strangers or leave your drink unattended.
Never walk to your car alone.
Call a cab if you need one.
DOnt take your whole big purse. Take a clutch and put your money, ID and phone in your bra if you can in case you lose your clutch.
Use a setting spray for your make up before you head out.
dress in layers so you arent cold when hanging out at the bar but can strip a layer off if you get too hot dancing
You dont look as pretty shitass wasted so dont do it. Avoid shots.
dont waste your time or money
Tip #1: Don't go clubbing.
I AMA bouncer
OH FUCK MY CAKE DAY?!?! SHOW ME SOME LOVE!!
Tips for how to be a cool clubber...
PS - PRO TIP!!! Outside every club there will be a group of hot girls smoking durries. Don't go for them. I kid you not they are models paid by the tobacco companies to trap people into smoking. If you go up and ask for a smoke they'll be REALLY friendly but they won't go any further because they're working.
If you are wittier than you are handsome, avoid loud clubs.
PREACH
Don't
Sick of all these seal clubbing jokes... went down about 20+ top posts and NOTHING about clubbing, so I will actually answer this as OP intended.
I spent a fair amount of time clubbing in my youth. Actually just went to a sick club in Vegas a few weeks ago (Omnia). If you're a dude, make sure you wear decent jeans, nice shoes, nice belt, and a good button down. Rolled-up sleeves is popular right now. Women should wear sexy dresses. Heels are not a great idea - flats are much easier for dancing and doing the walk of shame the next day.
You should pick a club that has music you like. Some clubs will play hip hop, others techno, others weird shit. I prefer techno, but most clubs will default towards top 40 mixes.
Have a few drinks. You need to loosen up to appear approachable. I highly recommend pre-gaming. A lot of clubs will charge $7-15 for drinks.
Don't go alone. That's fucking creepy. Bring female friends if you can. If they're hot, you can probably skip the lines and other women will be more attracted to you (after all, if some women can stand you, you must not be all that bad, right?).
Buy tickets online beforehand if you can. It will help you skip the line. Or call a local promoter to put you on the list.
As far as talking to women and picking up women in a club, I wasnt great at that, so I don't have much for you there. I went with a buddy of mine who was fairly buff and women just walked up to him all the time. I'm not saying I had no game, I just wasn't a huge fan of walking up to random women and humping them from behind.
The best advice I can give you (and this applies to men and women) is to smile and just go talk to the person. You don't need any cheesy, bullshit opener. You don't need any lines. Just go have a conversation. Make sure you are confident. I can't say this enough, but confidence is fucking sexy. For men and women. Make eye contact. If they aren't interested and/or turn you down, who cares? You will probably never see that person ever again in your life. Nothing gained, nothing lost.
You actually answered OPs question instead of making a seal clubbing joke? What the fuck do you think this is? Yahoo? No...this is reddit, man. You've got to catch up with the times.
People actually look for tips for clubbing? Fucking hell just go and get drunk and dance... Who gives a fuck
I was just about to say the same thing why does someone need to tip on clubbing that's like asking your friend how do I have sex?
what do you mean by 'tips' exactly? what are you trying to do?
generally speaking, whenever i go out i make sure i have a plentiful amount of drinks before i go (fairly high alcohol tolerance, saves me a lot of money). go out with a good group of mates, don't be a dickhead that starts trouble, don't be a creep that harasses girls when they clearly don't want a bar of you, and just generally have a good time.
ITT: Nobody on reddit actually goes to the club so they circle jerk their way around it with seal jokes.
If you're wittier than you are attractive, don't go to a loud club.
Wear a large coat to conceal a large hives-worth of Africanized bees on your midsection. Get the center of the dance floor, throw off your jacket and do "The Twist" until all bees are dispersed throughout the club.
Have fun and drink responsibly!
[deleted]
Getting to know the seal beforehand is a bad idea
I advise against this. Knowing the seal's name could make it harder emotionally to club.
Are you fucking kidding me with these god damn seal jokes.
My last club, the Baby Seal Cub Clubbing Club chapter of Clubb, MO, ran out of funds and had to council last winter's expedition.
I advise you to secure a quality, longstanding club from which to plan your cub clubbing without dissapointment of club abandonment.
I've never seen a reddit comment that tries so hard.
They shut down? Damn it, that place had amazing DJs and good drink specials and 5 floors of different dance music.
Guys only go to clubs for hopes that they might get lucky so if ur a girl ur most likely looked upon as a slut in a club js no offense
I like great beats which is why I club with a great big hammer. Those seal bastards never see it coming
Depends on the type of club:
If it is a dance club with a dedicated DJ, dancefloor, flashing lights, etc then bring flat, comfortable shoes. And don't get offended when people ignore you as they walk by. It's hard to avoid bumping into people when the place is packed. May want to invest in water as well.
If it's more of a social atmosphere, dress above average. For me, the whole point is to have fun with my friends and potentially meet new people. Don't worry about dancing too much. Just try to relax and have a good time.
If you are talking about baby seals, I suggest first joining an eskimo tribe because they are the only people legally allowed to do it. Also, dress light. Seal meat has a magnificent warming effect when you eat it. Remember to swing with your shoulders and arms, not your back. Don't want to pull any muscles. And plenty of stretching.
wow you guys are all so original
Take a couple of friends that you know will dance. There's nothing worse than someone that goes out clubbing and doesn't dance or holds you back. Don't assume that every one that asks you to dance wants to sleep with you. Some people genuinely just want to dance. If anything else just dance with your friends and have fun.
Drink water! Every 2-3 alcoholic drinks. Have a water.
Make sure you tip the bathroom attendant well, so you can do as much coke as you want, he won't have a problem
Is the bathroom where you kill the seal?
Cmon OP you know we don't leave our house
2 options:
Don't
Drugs
Your welcome.
I'm going to give a serious answer. I've found that the key to having fun at a club is to be in a good mood before you get there. It's totally impossible to show up at a club in a shitty mood and then start having fun. You have to already be having fun, or everything in the club will just be annoying as shit and you'll be dying to leave the entire time. So basically, don't go out unless you're into it, because you'll have a terrible time and will probably ruin it for your friends too (or they'll keep having fun despite you, which will make you even angrier).
Just let go on the dance floor. No one's watching you and judging you bad dancing skills. Just have fun with it. Also don't sweat rejection in nightclubs, just walk away and talk to someone else.
The key to getting women in a club is actually enjoying yourself without their attention.
Dance, drink, laugh. They'll come to you. They will follow the fun.
Go to a club to have fun. Dance lots, talk to people when its appropriate (specifically not when you're on the middle of the dance floor), go with friends who have a similar idea of a good time, and drink responsibly.
Ask someone if they want to dance with you before you try to dance with them, nobody wants some random person grinding on them all of the sudden.
Also if you smoke or are okay with being around people who are smoking then the smoking area is a pretty good place to chat with and meet new people.
Edit: Save the seals!!!
Drink/Smoke before you go in, focus on having fun, dance like an idiot until you're tired and have to go sit down. If someone is facing your way and looks sick, prepare to avoid vomit. If you think the drop is coming but don't know the song, don't jump 3feet in the air *if you aren't 100% sure you'll stick the landing. People are there to have fun, open up and talk to people. If you're nervous, go watch some pick up artist advice and go with what you feel could work.
Here's a tip, don't go "clubbing". First off, that term is dated. No one going to trendy places says they are "going clubbing" in 2015. Next, the cool places in the big cities which push trends are not clubs anymore. They are speakeasys and cocktail bars with twists on old timey drink specials and bearded bartenders with vests, tattooed arms and manbuns. You will still pay too much for a drink, but it will be a better tasting drink, and an all around classier environment.
Try to gather some friends and do bottle service. Getting drinks, entry and all that shit adds up to a bottle. Plus it's always better haveing your own little spot to bring the ladies.
Don't take too many dudes.
Don't take aggressive drunk as they might shorten your experience.
Dress to impress.
Approach women. Don't be a wall follower.
Start with something easy like baby seals or animals under 6 months of age under the care of their mothers.
Always know your dealer.
Club dealer?
Pregame, get a cab, go, have fun, talk.
Don't go in and start to drink everything in sight. Many good nights were ruined due to friends being absolutely drunk or passing out.
Drink enough to remove any awkwardness you have and let the good times roll.
You need to be a bro. Go with a friend or two. Get one of them ridiculously drunk, but not so much they start to get sick. Pre-game with a couple shots or a fifth before getting to the club. Make sure you drink the least (you'll see why later). Once you're in, get your bros drunk, pick the liveliest one. Then proceed to get him drunk as fuck. He will soon begin to talk to every girl in the club, majority of the time he will get shot down and make a fool of himself, but you being the bro that you are, are going to bat cleanup. Come up after him, bring him a beer, or a glass of water, ask the girl/s if he was rude, and apologize, swoop in. Tell them a story, talk to her, ask her questions, make her feel important. This usually works, if not, try on a different chick. Sometimes her and her friends will vibe and you can continue to be a bro and be a wingman. Just remember at the end of the night to keep your bro hydrated.
Don't bring any girls you're really into. Everyone knows it's a fun place were you an drink and sing along to songs, but the moment she realizes your going to club a seal she going to try to protect it.
Clothing is important - wear a jacket as it likely to get cold... Also, try not to wear white, you'll probably get blood on your outfit.
Dont forget to dance. You're there to enjoy yourself. Also bring some cleats so you don't slip on the ice.
From the ages of about 19-22 I was at the local club pretty much every weekend, sometimes more than that. I don't do the club thing any more because now I'm old and need to save my money for things other than alcohol. Clubbing isn't for everyone and I think a lot of Reddit is in the "booo clubbing sucks" mentality. But don't let that persuade you from experiencing it anyway because it can be fun. Anyway, here are my tips:
Pre-drink before going out. Pre-drinking itself is a lot of fun if you get together with a bunch of friends at someone's place and play some drinking games and just chill out for a couple hours before going. Plus it will be cheaper to buy your own booze because club drinks are stupid expensive.
Speaking of money - bring a set limit of cash for the night and leave your debit and credit cards at home. So say $40 for booze, $10 for cover and $15 for a cab home. And that's it. That way drunk you doesn't decide it would be a good idea to use the bar ATM to take out another couple hundred bucks to spend on god knows what (but mainly alcohol).
If you want to get a cab home but don't want to fight the throngs of people also trying to get a cab home, leave a bit before last call, or walk away from the clubbing central where there is less people to hail/call a cab. Cabbies will also be more likely to stop for you if you aren't surrounded by dozens of crazy drunk people.
-Wear comfy shoes and don't wear flip flops. This is more for the girls. If you can't walk and dance comfortably in heels then don't do it. Just don't. Wear flats. Save yourself from the pain and the stupidity of trying to walk barefoot (which is gross). A lot of club floors are super sticky - I have had friends break their flip flops because they got stuck to the ground.
If you want to get served quickly at the bar you need to lean forward a bit so the bartender can see you want to order, and leave them tips. If you go their regularly and tip often they will be more likely to serve you first.
Pre-drinking is all well and good but there is a line of appropriate drunkiness that is acceptable when going clubbing. If you cross this line you won't be admitted into the club, you won't be served drinks and you may be kicked out. Don't be that person puking on the side walk. Know your limit.
If you don't want to wait in line to get into the club, get there early. I think this depends on the city. Where I live 11:00 is early.
See if the club you're going to has an online site/facebook page and if you can get "V.I.P." access. Signing up can mean free cover or not having to wait in line (or both).
Finish your drink before you go on the dance floor. Don't be the idiot that thinks they can dance and have a drink going at the same time. You are going to spill it either on yourself or someone else. You will appreciate this no drinking on the dance floor when someone inevitably spills some of their drink on you. Likewise, obviously don't leave your drink somewhere and then come back and finish it.
I hope you have fun!
I fucking hate reddit sometimes.
Take your drugs early. Because it's easier to be rolling on your way in the door than to have to sneak hella drugs in. Unless you're a chick. But really just be willing to invest dinero for being as turnt as you want. Be friendly with everyone. If they don't want to be friendly then don't talk to em. And please just have a blast Edit:source:been there
Or maybe don't take drugs. There's a thought.
If the club doesn't feel right, replace it with a seal carcass and keep swinging.
I hear the Navy has some seals you can club...
Hit the back of the baby seal's head really hard.
Aim for the head.
Square your shoulder. Keep your head down. Bend your knees. And also relax.
Pick a club that's not to heavy. You don't want to wear yourself out to fast.
Bring a weapon with you just in case shit gets hairy. Killing baby seals with your bare hands can be tricky.
Metal clubs make a very satisfying crunch when they make contact
Make sure your bat is well oiled and free of grime. No one likes to see last week's residue when you go out on the ice. Also, remember to follow through, that's how your seal head gets the max distance.
Aim for the head.
Well duh.
Always go with friends so you can kill more seals efficiently.
It's all in the follow through.
Use a spike at the end of your club and hit them in the head. It's a humane way to club quickly and efficiently.
Always wear goggles, blood spray from seal clubbing can get really bad.
Take mdma, it feels great when you are rolling around in the fat blubber from the seal.
Are you a girl or a guy?
If you are a guy, bring money, be prepared to shell out money for cover, drinks, maybe table service. Be also prepared to either a) stand in line for a millennia to get inside the club or b) tip the busser. If you are a girl: A) don't be fat B) dress semi provocatively C) that's it. You'll get everything else for free, down to the table service from dudes who just spend $500 per bottle in hopes of getting laid. Source: am hollywood VIP host.
The trick to clubbing is getting a light yet very hard and durable club so you can swing it very fast. One swing should be plenty to fracture the skull and mush the brains of any baby seal. And a big part is timing, right when they poke out you need to hit that mother fucker because it'll wack-a-mole your ass and dive back down and you'll lose that round.
Take with you an on the spot drug test kit. These won't tell you precisely which drug you have but it'll give you enough to be confident over in most cases. If you're buying drugs from a stranger always let them know you want to test it before hand. Generally speaking if they know their shit is bunk they'll get offended and if they are confident in their product they likely support harm reduction anyways.
ANY drug can be faked and almost every drug has 30+ analogues or sister compounds that mimic it's effects. Blindly taking a substance because the person doesn't look shady or the product tastes/smells/looks right is the number one cause in overdose.
Serious answer from a used to be clubber every goddamn weekend. Okay.. don't be an idiot and try to bring a Flask into a club. They search you and you don't wanna look like a dumbass when bouncer kicks your ass out for being an idiot.
You don't need big groups of friends. Just 1 wingman is enough.
Dress nice. You don't have to go all out but dress to impress. Nice clean ironed dress shirt, pants, and nice shoes. Watch is a good touch. If you're not driving, take 1 or 2 shots before getting in the club. Don't over do it because you don't want to be a drunk douchebag that can't even get into the club. A very light buzz will do.
Be confident and take it slow. Sit back and enjoy the view, but don't be a wall flower. Move around, dance, smile, drink, then dance some more. People pick up your energy, so if you're having a shit time, people will pick it up pretty quickly and move away. Everyone's there to just have a good time.
And don't pressure yourself too hard to socialize, because I've seen my friends just completely freeze up when they try to force themselves. Just enjoy the time there.
YOU GOTTA KNOCK BALBOA OUT FAST. DON'T GIVE THAT SUCKA NO CHANCE TO TIRE YOU OUT, FOOL!
Don't get your dick stuck in a tree
Step 1: Dress for the occasion. Obviously don't wear an outfit that you won't mind getting dirty, or one that won't hold up to the cold of the night.
Step 2: Go well prepared. Make sure you have all of your necessities, that means bring a reliable method to call for a way home, and whatever else you deem necessary.
Step 3: Get a good rhythm going, it'd suck to go clubbing and not have good rhythm.
If you followed these steps, you should have a successful time clubbing. You'll probably have blood splatters from bashing that poor seal's skull in, so you'll have taken care of that by wearing clothing you don't mind getting dirty, and you'll also have clothing that'll keep you warm while doing so, you'll also have come prepared with an object to club with, perhaps a nightstick? I personally like kendo sticks myself. They add a little challenge to the task, because you have to swing that much harder to get a desirable result. Most importantly, good rhythm. You don't want to look like a jackass just swinging away randomly do you? Most important thing to avoid looking like a fool is to make sure you have decent rhythm in your smashing.
Congratulations! Now you've successfully gone clubbing without a hitch.
Probably far too late, but if you are ever over heating go to the bathroom and run cold water over your wrists.
Drink a lot of water and remember, "It is far better to have danced awkwardly, than to have never danced at all."
I read this as "cucumbers of reddit"
I've always wondered, the people that are good at dancing in these clubs, do they take lessons? Is it something innate? I've been to clubs and get by wih basically copying other people, but some are just fucking good. How did they get that way?
Some innate, most just dance and practice and have been for a long time.
Keep in mind that this was 20 years ago, but a friend of mine was one of those "holy fuck, he's good" guys. He practiced a LOT. Of course, he also had some innate talent, but he would practice 10+ hours per week just to go clubbing on Friday and Saturday night.
Only go out to shows you really want to see.
Keep your wallet in your front pocket. Only take $40-60 with you, leave the rest of your money at home.
do drugs.
this way seals will look like multicolored targets and it will make it easier to hit them
I'd say use a big club, some seals have hard heads
become a drug dealer, and everyone will love you!
[deleted]
yup, right along with ones such as "in this moment I am euphoric" and Woody Harrelson's AMA.
[deleted]
or opt out instead of opt in
Look, most people here don't know what they are talking about. If you want to find a nice place you'll have to ask the locals of the area which nightclub to go to. Like a place that has these 3 fine specimens (sfw)
It's all about the atmosphere. Being your first time, you don't want to go to a crowded location. There is too much pressure to get it right the first time. Make sure to go to a secluded location where nobody else will be around to judge you on how you hit the seal. Use two hands for optimal blood splatter.
Not me but my high school geography teacher taught me this one. You slowly sneak up behind the seal until you're about 10 feet away. This is the range in which you can kill the seal because its flippers slide on the ice. Also it can't see you from behind very well because it doesn't have a neck and can't turn its head easily. When it's sliding all over the ice you club it right at the base of the skull.
Go with friends. They add to the atmosphere and can make you feel better and more comfortable. Especially for women, as there is that factor of those nasty predators. Large seals are known to attack women, so if you have your gal pals around to go clubbing, you'll have a better chance of fending off any predators.
Join a support group. A good one for beginners is The Seal Cub Clubbing Club. They can answer any questions you might have.
Reminds me of that rampant alcoholism one from yesterday.
Right? We get it, you're deliberately misinterpreting or ignoring the question. Does everyone that sees this thread have to contribute the same thing again and again?
It's important to aim right for the seal's neck. Most effective way.
What an original joke. You must be the funniest guy in town.
Second, actually. Right behind the guy with the one about the two alligators and the pecan pie. One day though, I think I'll get there.
1-try and go to "shows" instead of generic dance nights. Tends to draw in more of a positive crowd.
2-NEVER DRINK AND DRIVE
3-dont get too drunk, have a water for every three drinks or so
4-if your gonna do drugs NEVER buy them at the club. So sketch
Stop clubbing, baby seals! https://s-media-cache-ak0.pinimg.com/736x/8a/4d/e9/8a4de9add044549b62831b9415675ec9.jpg
Clubbing or raving?
*Cause raving with a seal wont necessarily kill it but clubbing will.
[deleted]
you're not sorry.
Make sure the baby seal is firmly secured before attempting to club.
When you hit the seal, make sure you aim for the base of the skull. This will either sever the spinal cord and/or crush their brain stem. It will take some time, but you will get it down with some practice. Good luck and good hunting!
Don't go on a Friday or Saturday night. That's when all the bro-y guys go. Bring a couple girl-friends if you have them. Don't be over-eager. But also, don't be the guy sitting there bobbing his head. If it's absolutely your first time, don't expect to knock one out of the park. And don't think about what you're going to bring home! Lastly, everyone says this, but it's true: just have fun. Don't guilt trip yourself if it doesn't go as well as you expected. It's not your fault. Global warming was going to kill the seals anyway.
How to read an AskReddit comment when there is no [Serious] tag.
1) Read the last sentence.
2) Go to the next comment.
Gotta go with a good group of people, or be extremely outgoing. Otherwise you'll awkwardly walk from spot to spot with 1-2 guy friends wanting to talk to attractive people and eventually leaving and getting pizza
Dont go clubbing. Your welcome.
Well first, you want to get a good stick. About 3/4 of your arm length from shoulder to tip of the middle finger.
A good example, if you're an adult is a Little League baseball bat.
Generally the length is good enough, plus its light enough yet sturdy enough to get a real good swing in.
...
Oh you wanted something about nightclubs?
...
You have exceeded my capacity to help you. God go with you.
Aim for the head its more of a clean kill
Buy a lot of cocaine. Seals love cocaine.
Rethink your desires.
Hit the seal as hard as you can. Don't think about what peta member might be watching.
Just relax and don't feel nervous, everyone else is there for the same reason as you. The first swing should feel natural through your shoulder.
Go with a friend, or two that you trust. Drink heavily. And always, always approach downwind.
Look up the word 'balter'. Learn your own style! Have fun! I am a straight male and I go out to dance and listen to good music all the time!
You might feel that drinking before hand will help calm the nerves, but be careful if this is the case. Once you have broken the seal there's no going back, the waterworks will just keep on coming, and your first clubbing session will come to a very wet, bloody end.
Pro Tip: Don't go.
Get a club...and a seal...
When you lock eyes and she gives you [this look] (http://www.factzoo.com/sites/all/img/mammals/seals/harbor-seal.jpg)... well you know
The title should be, "Alcoholics of Reddit, what are your best tips for people new to drinking?"
Never go out looking for a girl you will go home disappointed every night. Go out to have fun. Girls will follow
Walk into it with confidence. Head up, shoulders back, and just give that seal a whack.
Enough with the fucking seal jokes. Time for a serious reply.
If you really want to know how to maximize your club experience, you're best off taking lessons from this guy on YouTube. He always maximizes his time to hit as many clubs as possible and never loses energy or enthusiasm.
Stand a full arm's distance away to help minimize the amount of splatter you get on yourself
What's...clubbing? Sorry, I guess I should know what this is. Is it a golfing thing?
Dress appropriately.
Make sure your nails are well-maintained.
Feel free to drink, but don't get too drunk that you black out.
Bring friends, you don't want to get caught alone by a predator.
And aim for the head, you don't want to hear the baby seals scream.
Posts like this are the reason I love reddit.
Bring protection in case things get wild. I recommend a 12 gauge, as it deters polar bears from feasting on your harvest.
Don't start by clubbing fully grown seals, start with the babies and work your way up.
I think starting at an early age helps. I began in high school when I was around 18. When you're young it's much easier to kill them without feeling that sense of remorse you would normally get when you're old enough to reflect on the lives of animals.
http://i.imgur.com/2Elmrne.gifv
http://gfycat.com/FatalBoilingIndigobunting
http://i.imgur.com/x97Cwkd.gif
I remember my first time clubbing. Well, not really, but thank god I used a condom.
This thread made me giggle entirely too much.
Something something same joke different words.
You need an extra boost of confidence. Walk around asking "has anyone seen my friend Molly?!", over and over again. If someone gives you a special look, they'll hook you up. It really helps to dip some Molly after clubbing a seal to death, takes the edge off the murderous act you just committed.
Don't go clubbing
Don't come anywhere near Nashville
Find the seals when they are young and their firs are still soft.
The most important thing is that you actually enjoy the music they are playing that night. If you absolutely can't stand Top 40 mashups, dnb, commercial hiphop, happy hardcore, or whatever, you're going to feel and look uncomfortable. And you'll probably blackout trying to self medicate until the sounds become tolerable. Do your DJ homework before you go out. (And bring earplugs if you don't want tinnitus by the time you're 40.)
Sigh, and seals.
That's a pretty broad question. I think it's important what type of club it is I guess. Let's say you're going to a club like Fabric in London (I'm from America and have learned some of these the hard way).
I love drum & bass so I go there every year when I visit for soccer matches.
-Everything in your front pockets.
-Take ID & Cash only. You don't want a credit card lost in a club like this on the dance floor.
-Bring some smokes and a lighter. Even if you don't smoke it's a good way to mill about and meet people. I can't even count how many people I've met while outside cooling down, resting, and having conversations. It's just a good way to unwind after a bit of dancing.
-Keep your phone in one front pocket and nothing else since you'll probably be taking it out a lot. You don't want cash or anything else in there besides maybe a lighter. Other items get caught on that shit and could fall out never to be found again.
-TAKE A PICTURE OF YOUR COAT CHECK TICKET! or... Make sure your coat check ticket is totally safe unless you want to wait there till 5-6am to go looking for it. So don't put it in the same pocket as your cell phone.
-Drink a lot of water if you're dancing, drinking, or doing drugs.
-Make sure you know a few easy ways of getting to where you live or stay.
-Don't wear white. Don't wear shoes you don't mind getting stepped on if you expect it to be a very very busy dance floor.
-Drink ahead of time if you know they'll have really expensive drinks.
-Be careful about who you purchase drugs from. Try to get them early if you already know you'll be doing them.
-Hide your drugs well. Last i was at a Fabric the dude was literally rubbing my balls between his fingers, I think he thought my saggy sack was a bag lol Put that shit in your shoe.
...all i can think of at the moment.
hey OP, is it ok if us non-clubbers give advice also?
It probably would look something like this:
don't go.
This thread is probably the best thread I have ever read in all of my experiences on reddit.
Fat seals will often group together to create the illusion that, collectively, they are hot.
They also use the dark corners and strobe lights to their advantage.
Stay sober, my friend. You don't want to be that desperate guy trying to club all the seals that no other guy is trying to club.
Don't hold it too tight to start. Hold it softly...kind of loose as you swing and then tighten up right before you make contact.
Also, swing through your target. Don't stop on impact. Imagine what you're hitting is actually 6 to 12 inches further so you get a really full, powerful blow in every time.
This should help you kill them in one blow and not leave them flopping in the snow.
I prefer bars. Whenever I go to a club I seem to be around people I don't want to be around. You know like Kayne West type people.
Really? I mean... double-joke-meaning or not, this is the type of post that gets to Reddit's FP? Ugh. I'm out, peace Reddit.
...and when Reddit makes a joke, they don't just kick the dead horse, they fuck it.
Don't be this guy: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=n0Qw3Foa_XE
Try to go Clubs with people near your age group
1) Find a place or two that you enjoy going to - music and atmosphere that you , line and prices you can tolerate. In a big city there is a lot of variety, so figure out what you like. Find your scene. This will be a process of elimination. Btw don't trust yelp reviews, they are full of haters.
2) don't be afraid to do what you came to do, whether it's dance, talk to girls, dance with girls, etc. just go for it. The worst that happens is you'll look silly in front of some strangers you'll never see again who are too focused on their own mishaps to care about yours. If you can't dance, just practice, and if you get rejected, shrug it off and move on.
3) by the same token, don't be a creep / drunkard / buffoon. Don't be too persistent if a girl rejects you, don't start trouble, know your limits and don't drive if you've had too many. Seriously, take a cab, it's not worth it.
Clubbing isn't for everyone, it can be a lot of fun but there's plenty of crap that comes with it (lines, high prices, "beautiful people" bias, etc.). Not every night will be epic, but some will. Find what works for you and enjoy it!
Jack would be so proud of this thread.
Kinda
Speak softly, but carry a big dick.
If someone tries to talk to you, but you have no interest in speaking with said someone but don't want to seem rude, just laugh and pretend you can't hear them. Works 99% of the time.
Holy fuck these seal jokes are weak, and to know some 6000+ people felt the need to up vote them makes me shake my head.
Clubbing is simple. All you have to do is get nice and schifty, take off your pants... and shit on the floor.
Deodorant
Wear some nice clothes, you don't want to put off the nice looking women. Once you have had some drinks get on the dance floor and just have fun. At first it's a little messy out there but eventually if you get the hang of it and hit the seal just right, it'll be ready for you to take home.
Remember, the younger, the easier. It won't get away from you that fast.
Don't be sober enough to realize how shitty the club is.
Pre drink like its your fuckn job
1)Bring a solid group of friends. It doesn't have to be a whole bunch of them but people that can play wingman and people that you can be yourself around. 2) be yourself don't pretend to be something you're not. 3) if there's a large group of people with you it's worth to pitch in for bottle service. You get your private table and if your purpose to go clubbing is to pick up girls they tend to flock to the bottles. 4) pull out cash instead of putting your drinks on credit card or using debit this way when you're drunk you only spend the cash that you bring on hand. You won't regret it trust me. 5) if you're going to take drugs especially MDMA take one at a time don't pop them all at once. 6) have a plan B. If the Club is bunk have another place as a plan B to go party possibly another club. 7) don't drink and drive. Ubur or a cab if you have money or have a designated driver. 8) if you're attracted to someone don't be a little pussy go try to pick them up. 9)Smell good and put deodorant on. 10)Have Fun!
It's always better to go with friends at first. Lone wolfing it at clubs typically is a little weird, in my opinion. Go with a familiar crew and be social, get drunk and talk to people, and find the line between being too reserved and too forward.
The mindset I always use when clubbing is that I am there to have fun and share experiences with other human beings. Going with plans of hooking up with someone is sometimes setting yourself up for disasters. If you go with no other expectations that having fun and meeting other people as friends, you will always be happy when you leave. The people who typically do not score at bars are the ones who are there solely to get dudes/chicks and are usually trying too hard.
Go for the babies...the big ones fight back
I ran a nightclub for two years so here is my advice"
Pick a club based on the type of music you like and/or the kind of crowd you like to hang out with, not based on reputation as a pick up joint.
Pay attention to dress codes, a club has the right to deny you entrance if you do not follow the dress code.
Look for a club website or Facebook, this will tell you about special events, theme nights, discount admission, etc.
Go with a few friends, groups of 2-4 is the best. Going alone can be awkward, going in a large group can make socializing difficult.
Be friendly with the doorman and other staff when you first arrive. You don't want to be a wiseass or get a reputation as a troublemaker. They have a job to do and like I said, can deny you entrance for any reason.
Tip well on your first drink, it makes a good impression and makes bartenders remember you.
Don't go right away into trying to pick people up. Drink, dance, enjoy yourself, socialize with your friends and meet new people. The rest just grows from that. Being comfortable makes a much better impression then acting desperate.
Making requests of the DJ is fine, but don't get upset if he doesn't play your request. Each DJ has their own policy, some do some don't.
Know your drinking limits. I've seen people throw up, get into fights, get arrested for DUI, or just plain fall and hurt themselves because they didn't know when to say when.
Keep your drink in your possession at all times. If your drink is out of sight for more than 5-10 seconds, buy a new one.
Don't drink underage or buy drinks for someone that is underage. Besides you getting in trouble and possibly arrested it could get the entire club shut down.
Don't screw around with security, they are notorious for having no sense of humor or tolerance for bullshit.
Sorry, We not really into clubbing baby seals.
Don't party anymore but I always found predrinks always help. And be nice, but not too nice, to everyone. If someone wants to start something.. Laugh it off and walk away. Don't get yourself into bs....and be nice to the cops.. Don't swear at them lol
Pick a big club, but one that fits in your hands nicely. Approach from behind to give you a better chance of not scaring your prey.
I hate this place.
The first thing I always do is head over to DomainName.com™! They have a wide selection of custom domain extensions, including '.club'!
PRE-GAME
Enjoy yourself. Don't worry about looking like an idiot. I remember less people dancing stupidly than I remember people standing around awkwardly trying to talk over the music.
Signs of the apocalypse: Internet retards asking what to do at a club.
Find a DJ you like via social media or radio, odds are they do shows. Get a crew of 3-5, this is ideal. Change your position often enough that it seems as though you just arrived. Milling for hours is likely to spook any onlookers. Remember to be subtle when moving, hit the bathroom and find a new spot far away.
When the time comes, have the DJ crank your favorite jam and beat your prey over the head until it no longer moves. Congratulations. You are now an expert clubber.
welcome to /r/circlejerk
Figure out what kind of music do you like the most ( for example techno, house, trance, electro, hip hop, mixed top 40 etc). research the clubs. research the dj who gonna play at the club. listen to some of his old set's, mixes etc. and decade if you like him or not. Gather some friends and go have some fun. Don't be shy and dance your ass off! Drink some alcohol before you get in.
Once again, imo the music is the most important part. So, if you are new to clubbing, do a lot of research about the clubs in your area and djs etc.
Drink lots of water.
Take a light dose of mdma, don't give a fuck, do what feels right...
If you want to save some money, pregame before you go to the club. I suggest drinking before you go because going sober is a bit different than going drunk. I did once, and I respect designated drivers for the commitment haha.
Don't go clubbing. You will get dumber each time you go out.
Always carry your drugs together in a tiny, easy to dispose of parcel. This is so that if shit goes down, you can drop that shit and get out of dodge. If they search you at the door, tuck the parcel under your ballbag before getting in line. Get real offended if they start patting too close to your junk. Or maybe just smile at him seductively the closer he gets. There are many other places you could hide your drugs too, but Ill let you use your imagination on that one.
Alternatively, another way to get your drugs into a club is not to take them in yourself at all. If you already know a dealer who will be inside, that is the pretty much the ideal situation. Just walk in, have a 5 minute meaningless chat to him about how long the queue was and whos playing tonight or whatever, and then buy the drugs from him. Sorted
If you don't actually know any dealers inside and still don't want to risk bringing drugs inside yourself, DO NOT WORRY, there is a technique to finding drugs in a nightclub that is quite easy whilst still being relatively subtle. It also helps to build up a bit of a convers
A technique I like to use first is to find a person who is already quite clearly on drugs. This should not be hard depending on what kind of clubs you like to frequent. Just walk up to them and just say "Hey man, you wouldn't know anyone who could sort a brother out, if you know what I mean". He will know what you mean. It also helps to strike up a bit of a friendly random chat beforehand to soften them up. If you have made a good impression so far, he may even be willing to sell you some of his own. If not, he may be able to direct you to someone else in the club who can help. If this still falls through, no worries. Find another monged out punter and repeat the process.
Of course, always use common sense about being subtle. Make sure there are no bouncers within eaves drop, don't use proper names for drugs etc. Make something up. Ask him if he has any Barley Chops, he will still probably understand.
I pretty much guarantee, using this technique you will score something within 30 minutes of entering the club, and be off chops within 45 minutes of that.
Have fun!
Use your full body and aim for the head! those seal bastards will never see it coming!
Dont go.
I'm more of a bar guy myself... But if I do go to clubs I'm on a lot of LSD. Good way to meet people... And dinosaurs
When you get your drink GET THE FUCK AWAY FROM THE BAR so others can order.
Don't buy random ppl shots.. Waste of money unless they buy u a shot first.. Unless ur talking to a girl who seems actually interested in u buy her a drink..
A good pre-game is key.. But don't over do it and get full on drunk before. I always go to the city, since I live in a rural area, if I make an ass out of myself I won't see anyone again. Because I'm not stressed about being an ass I have a good time, I dance, I talk to randos. I'm almost never an ass, however I can't dance so there's that
Tip your bartenders well. They'll remember and pour with a heavier hand usually. You may even snag some free drinks.
You Just got to leave it all out on the dance floor.
Lived in Vegas for almost four years, went to most of the clubs on the Strip.
Dammit, reddit, I'm thinking how it would feel to actually club an innocent seal. You have ruined me.
To the people offering actual advice for partying, you fucked up the joke!
Don't think about other people too much, if you get turned by a girl, so what? Keep asking people or just keep dancing with your friends/alone. You are there to have fun, you'll probably forget everyone the next day, and the same goes to you. Stop worrying and have fun! :D
Clubbing is what you want to make it. Certain clubs or club nights cater different needs. If you want to get twisted on E your best bet isn't a rock night for example. But I'll try give a few tips from what I've learnt.
1) as soon as you start getting ready your starting the night. Get excited.
2) drink before you leave with friends. I've found if the atmosphere is good during pre drinks your in for a wild night.
3) Don't go out just to pick up girls
4) Don't just visit the club hit a few bars or pubs. Places that look lively I.e loud music people on their feet.
5) Don't be too afraid or too cool to dance if your song comes on do it.
6) fuck the consequences do it
Don't give blowjobs in the bathroom stalls (with no doors).
Get a VIP section. Don't get too drunk. Tip the bartenders, bathroom attendants, cocktail waitresses very well. Thank the owner for an awesome night (owners LOVE to hear about how awesome their club is because there usually in competition with multiple clubs in the area). Most importantly, don't get too drunk. And cocaine is your friend in a club. Bumps, not lines. No more than a gram.
Carry at least 20 dollars in cash for late night emergencies, drink lots of water, and I pity the fool. - Clubber Lang
When dancing, males should focus on upper body movement while females should focus on hip movement.
Get used to having drunk, sweaty people grind on you regardless if you are a guy or girl, or if you want it or not.
Dance rape is probably the best way to describe it
Act like you're escorting your friend to the bathroom who had one too many shots. If your friend can make dry heaving noises, it'll seal the deal and the people will part ways like Moses and the thing he did with the ocean.
It'll make getting from point A to point wherever in the club easy.
EDIT: added schtuff
I'm from Las Vegas, and worked in a night club for quite some time.
If you don't have money to buy a table and bottle of alcohol at the club, drink before hand or bring a flask to save money.
Clubs often cost...$30-100 for entry, and a table and bottle cost around 2-600$.
Clubs will often give you free entry if you buy a bottle.
if you have 5 friends, each paying $30-$100 for entry, you might as well buy a bottle and get free entry.
30x5=150 for entry (no bottle).
Bottle = 200
or in vegas...
100x5=500 for entry
or 600 for a bottle (and free entry)
TL;DR: In vegas if you're in a group of 5 or more on a busy night, it's usually cheaper to buy 1 bottle of alcohol and ask for free entry at the club than to simply pay cover and buy drinks once you're in there
Unless you are comfortable dancing - go to a pub instead.
Don't always go with chips as a side. A fresh salad, fruit or homemade pickles can really complement your club sandwich.
This was probably the most unexpected joke i've seen here so far, well done.
Don't try to hard to pick up girls, if someone clearly eyes you up, slide over and dance with them. From what I've learned is that girls go to clubs mostly to dance guys go to hit on them. If it happens let it happen, don't force it if it doesn't just dance and have fun.
If for some reason you decide to experiment with drugs like MDMA, Ecstacy etc (if you aren't already) be mother fucking careful. Here in Australia it's far cheaper to just drop a few rather then drink and after a while it can turn into a habit. A badddd habit.
Dance to have fun. it's no fun to dance with someone who's trying to do it right. It's fun to dance with people who get personal enjoyment out of it, as weird as you may look!
learn beforehand how to make earplugs from wet tissue paper. some clubs are so loud it is actually damaging to your ears.
Or just bring earplugs
yes of course. i just find the tissue to be lower profile.
I'd say be patient because you will have to deal with drunk randomers pushing you on the dance floor or spilling their drink on you. If you're a girl I'd say at least for your first few nights out wear flat shoes or there will be mass pain and you'll be like bambi on ice when you're drunk with a wet dance floor
Watch the film, Boys & Girls Guide To Getting Down
Bring water. Don't pay for bar drinks, pre-game. Charge your phone. Stick with your friends. Fucking dance.
Take drugs, makes everything better...
Leave the long islands alone until you've been drinking long enough to understand your limits. I know they'll probably be on special like a 2 for 1 but just trust me.
Don't bother trying to dance with women who are in circle formation. It will be a waste of time unless you have enough money to buy them all drinks. Women LOVE to cock block each other.
Fuck this
Earplugs!
Take as many pingers as possible.
Don't take already prepared drinks from ANYONE. Unless you see the drink being made, don't fucking drink it! The chance of being drugged is high (girls and guys alike) in any club. As a bartender, I've seen too much of this shit and having to call 911 for possible overdoses when his/her probable mate ditches the scene right when they get caught.
Dress the part of the establishment. If it's a trendy club, get your trend on. If it's a goth club, then goth it up. Dont play the "I'm too cool to conform" card and wear street clothes. It makes you look like a douch, you won't fit in, and you take away from the overall vibe and atmosphere of the venue.
If you order a mixed drink at the club, make sure you watch them pour the alcohol! Otherwise, there's a chance they won't pour any, and hold their finger over a straw full of vodka/rum so your first sip tastes like it, but the rest of the drink is just soda or juice.
The seal joke was funny as the top comment but just look at every other comment 😞 I wanted to know about going to clubs, not "clubbing" or whatever you sick fucks call baby seal murdering.
Don't be that dude still looking for women when the lights come on....or dudette... whatever floats your boat.
Look good but be comfortable. You never know where the night will take you. Drink before you go, drinks are expensive and bars are usually crowded. Have fun and do your own thing once you get there. Also, no ones watching you dance, so just go for.
try to have fun. be yourself and you will attract people you will like. buy drinks for girls to fuel a conversation, not start one. buy some nice shoes. know your limits with alcohol and drugs.
Step #1 Buy a ticket to Berlin, Germany!
Being absolutely absolutely honest here; just be yourself. Get tipsy enough to FEEL the music and dance to it. Find a girl who isn't exclusively dancing with a guy and dance with her. As someone who moved to a country and doesn't speak the language that well, I know this will work. Drink enough to let your body take control and find girls. They don't like you? Find another one. It's not that hard. I promise some girl will be into you. Don't be afraid to try to kiss her or move your haves around her body. If she pulls your hands away, find a new girl.
Sorry if this doesn't make sense. I'm quite drunk tonight. Ask questions and I'll be happy to answer.
Always dress up..Wear some cologne near ears.. Don't get wasted, be drunk and just fucking enjoy.. Getting a table with bottle service is a good way to go about it(attracts women).. Some Women are bottle hoes and some are not(most are :( .. Be prepared to have a conversation where neither party understands shit.. Also please dance well..
The denser the wood the better a Brazilian cherry club would be a fine heavy exotic wood to go with or ebony but this is only if killing the rainforest and seals is your thing
Wear Antiperspirant.
Dance! Seriously. People that are really into clubbing are really into the music and getting lost in it. Do your research, listen to the DJ ahead of time, and dance! It sucks so much to put in the work to throw a party or DJ it and then you see people just standing there staring off into space not caring about the music, the vibe, and/or overall energy. Good party crews and DJ's put a lot of time and effort into taking you on a musical journey and making you forget about everything but what's happening in that room at that moment between yourself, the music, and everyone else. Enjoy yourself! Last thing is please please don't ask the DJ to play a request song. There is always debate about this, but if you're at a club and there isn't a headliner or it's more open format it may be more acceptable to request but still avoid it if you can. If there is a headliner or the DJ's are clearly taking the time to put thought and care into the energy and vibe they are cultivating don't ask for any tracks no matter how new/cool/amazing they might be. Just kick back and enjoy the energy that's being built and let the DJ's do their work.
Always shit before you go. Club bathrooms are always wet everywhere and they sometimes don't have stall doors.
Do you. People can tell when you're not
Get a nice thick oak club and only hit seals if you are an Inuit.
Rub on all the booties you can. You won't be able to get away with it for free like that when you are older.
Get fucked up, but don't be that guy that's too fucked up.
Always be fly.
Set a limit on how much you are going to spend before you go.
Bring cash.
Tip the hell out of the guy at the door.
Never buy a girl a drink that is trying to work for a free drink.
Hit the dance floor, but you remember you ain't John Travolta.
Don't try to talk to people when it's super loud, just nod and smile and stuff.
If some girl that is way out of your league is all up on you, she either got an STD, or she is setting you up for failure.
27 is the maximum age limit.
No tennis shoes, no jeans, no hat
Don't act like a thug.
Bring Rubbers, ya never know, it goes down at the club.
It's superficial as fuck, go after what you like, but don't be a weirdo stalker.
Get the digits! Get em all, those girls wanna fuck as bad as you do.
Bring a wingman, but split up often and go explore.
you will be offered hard drugs. I'm leaving that one up to you.
Be confident
Don't drink and drive, but keep ya car clean cause you might fuck in it.
Eat and shit before you jump in the shower.
Don't have dirty shoes.
That's everything! You are ready.
Get out before you are 23
Finally! Something I can answer.
Definitely pregame at someone's house before driving (with a designated dd of course) or taking a taxi towards your designated area. This should be done 3-4 hours before you plan on going so you can pace yourself. If you're familiar with the area you can do some bar hopping for some cheap bar drinks before heading to the club. Some clubs offer a guest list, which you can register for to avoid an entry fee (usually requires you to enter the club before 10 or 11pm) and the more popular ones can cost more than twenty dollars. Of course, the downfall is that you cannot leave the club once you are inside.
Definitely go to have fun. If your intentions are to win a lady over DO NOT buy her a drink. Most of the time they will just thank you and walk away. Women come in groups so definitely have a wing man. Some group of women are guarded by one person (we call her the guard dog) and it's the wing man's job to keep her occupied. Yes, sacrifices will have to be made, but you will forever be in debt to your bro.
I would recommend getting used to the environment before attempting this. Just go to have fun and definitely pace yourself. You don't want to be the guy that passes at or has to get kicked out by security (I've seen this a lot and I have been this guy on one occasion). The environment is very energetic and you can easily lose track of time and the amount you have consumed.
Drink responsibly if you do!
Rule 1 of the club club, you dont talk about the club club
Really depends on what your goal of the night is... If you want to meet your next ex-girlfriend, you should probably focus on a club where you can dance to the music (like hiphop, r&b, but also house music) and have space to "escape" whereas when you e.g. are already happily taken, you should focus on clubs where YOUR favorite music is playing to ensure you have a good time.
And of course: choose your clubbing-friends whisely! The one friend that gets tired at 12pm and wants to home will not be your most useful wingman...
If you go to a gay club don't act like a spectator in a freak show, don't get weirded out if you're hit on, don't bother the women there
Turn up.
Uh, you're definitely going to want to go with a generally large group of people. That way there's alot more comfort and less uneasiness for first timers, even in general. Don't worry too much about looking like a fool either though, everyone kinda does when you've already passed the moral boundary of violently murdering an endangered species. Just remember to have fun.
Eh, just don't. Go to raves or festivals.
Seriously though, if you're going to a club get a table with bottle service. If you can't afford a table between the people you're with, just don't go. People generally act like assholes in these places and the only way to get any respect is to spend a lot of money.
If you're really only going for the music, dress as casual as possible. It's going to get hot with all those people dancing inches from you (if that).
This one is going into the books as one of the all time greatest threads.
Kids call it clubbing, when you grow up it's just called going out or grabbing a drink, or for my cousin just a typical Tuesday afternoon.
Try to hold your foot down on the baby seal's flipper before taking a really good swing.
Go to a different club, this one has way to many dudes.
Make sure they are playing music you like. 99 percent of people suck at dancing so who cares. Act like a fool and you'll have fun, that's what I do at least. Don't shoulder check people to move them.
Make sure the mother seal is watching.
Xpost this to /r/bartenders :)
Always stand behind the baby seal, so when they pop up, you can get full contact on the head.
Try to hold it firmly in your non-clubbing hand, or alternatively if it's a youngling, step on its tail to pin it down and then just swing away.
Don't go. Buy a hooker and play Monopoly. It will be money better spent.
Wear earplugs
This is one of those threads that go in the history of Reddit
Guys, don't be dicks. Don't try pushing yourselves on girls just go to dance and have a good time. Do not go expecting to get laid.
Ain't nothin to it but to do it ! But seriously go out and do what makes you guys happy "clubbing" is a night of drinking and dancing I guess
Pick out a nice, baby seal. You can tell they are a baby because they are smaller, and still have their fur. They are slower, and easier to catch.
I prefer to drink hard liquor at a club, just know how much you can take, this way you won't need to run to the bathroom constantly. (tip: improve your "limit" by eating a meal before you go, the alcohol won't hit you all at once),
This thread is fucking brilliant.
In the darkness of the club, everyone looks handsome, buff, beautiful and slim. Everybody has the coolest clothes, everybody is simply cooler. This is a combination of the alcohol and lighting. Outside of the club, in normality (particularly at the end of the night), you'll see at firsthand how the charade is revealed. The point being: don't be intimidated, you're just as good as they are.
WHAT THE ACTUAL FRICK FRACK IS SEAL CLUBBING????
The name pretty much gives it away, you find seals, and you club them to death.
Go in a group, watch your drink and have fun.
Look at online reviews and ask around about which ones in your area are the best. If you've never been of the ones you find, try a couple of them. Go with friends. It doesn't matter if you're out with guys or girls, it's just more fun with friends. Don't be that awkward person who randomly hits up every group of girls he finds. They talk, and they watch. Trust me on this. When I'm out with my friends, they'll dance with random guys long enough to get a free drink and then leave. Speaking of which, don't buy drinks for girls right off the bat. I was out with my friend once, and he racked up a tab of like $60 in a couple hours because his go-to thing is to buy shots for whoever he's focused on. Sure enough, once the girls got their drinks they were gone. I told him it was a waste of time, but he didn't listen. Instead, save the drink buying for a bit later. If you find a girl to dance with, do so for a good while without spending a dime on her. If she sticks around then she's interested in more than a drink. This is just an effort to save you some cash. Of course, if you've got a disposable income then feel free to go crazy and order shots for every damn person in there!
Also, be confident and don't give a fuck about looking dumb on the dance floor. Chances are, nobody there knows how to dance anyway. Don't be the guy who stands off to the side and watches. If the girls see that you're having a good time, they'll come to you. Basically go to have a good time, and keep the thought of getting laid deep in the back. It'll come on it's own without you trying to force it.
If/when you do find a girl. Act interested enough, but not overly interested. Girls are used to getting chased, and usually will shrug it off once they've had their fun. Instead, don't chase. She'll wonder why you aren't all over her and become even more interested. She'll then see you as a challenge and make an effort to get you interested. Which is when you give her a bit more attention but not too much. Now she's chasing you, which isn't something she typically does. This is different and interesting to her. Give her enough to let her know she has a chance, but it's not guaranteed. Let her think she's working to win you over, and when the night's over let her have you as her prize. What she'll think is that she just conquered you, all the while you've been playing her like a violin all night. This is the same strategy that girls use on guys all the time, and it works on most guys. Girls don't expect it to be used on them. They think they have you wrapped around their finger, but really you have them wrapped around yours. This is admittedly, pretty douchey and I'd only recommend doing it if you're looking for a one night stand. This is no way to start a lasting relationship. Then again, the vast majority of people you find in clubs probably aren't looking for that.
tl;dr: Go with friends. Go to have fun above all else. Don't fall for the traps that the girls set, instead use their tactics against them. However, only do it if you're looking for a one night stand.
Aim for the head easiest way to kill them.
Make sure your club is both heavy enough to do the desired damage, yet light enough to be wielded with ease. Don't forget about the grip too, can't go wrong with hockey tape.
Don't fucking go to clubs?
Make sure you hit the seals between the eyes, other wise the pelt it ruined. Wait, what? Oh, not that type of clubbing... Ok, fine.
Take ecstasy.
Thought I'd throw my 2 cents in as an ex-bouncer:
If you can help it, don't use the urinal in the men's room. I've seen a few instances where a guy steps up in an empty men's room and gets sucker punched in the back of the head. It's hard to defend when you're tipsy and have your dick in your hand. Plus, you have all that nice, soft porcelain to cushion the blow. It's a quick way to lose your wallet and watch in a club/bar that's busy and the thief has the benefit of being out the door generally before you realize what just happened.
After working security, it's ingrained into my habits to only use the stall toilets anywhere I go. You can shut the door and you have a little extra security.
Make sure you sand down your club to something splinter ridden but still blunt enough to inflict significant damage. A common mistake is the thought that putting nails in your club will increase the effectiveness per impact, but the truth is that nails cause more pain but less damage. Add them for torture, remove them for result.
Serious answer, first & foremost: Please, please, please remember to stay hydrated.
Lol, I guess that advice applies to both situations. Heh.
Even if you are forced into a cramped, overpriced, sweaty, and intensely pretentious room bombarded by the blaring barrage of Dub-Step and E.D.M.; always remember to keep a bottle of water, bottles are an even better precaution, on your person or nearby at all times while at the club.
And yes, paying for that $9 bottle of water, finally served to you after 20 minutes of waiting, from the most pathetically pretentious excuse for a person: a bartender.
(Rant 1) A profession that solely exists to beg the question: "How many motorcycles do you have to own to get a job that could be replaced by a trained sloth?" and for the females: "Just how many times must you get caught snorting coke in the bathroom at Hooters before you end up here?"
(Rant 2) It makes you wander what bartenders, when not ignoring customers, must be thinking: "If only my life wasn't so engulfed by the endlessly incessant requests of others, I wonder how much better my high scores at Candy Crush and Flappy Bird would really be?"
Regardless, those bottles of water can/could very well save your life at a club one day. They are a far better investment/precaution for your enjoyment/health than having to endure the alternatives: Either A.) Ending up in a hospital from having had suffered heat exhaustion. Or B.) Even worse having had suffered a (heat) stroke, you went unnoticed for quite some time and must now endure life-long side effects.
All from being stuck inside of an overly crowded and shitty club that is populated primarily by people whom couldn't care less about the health or welfare of a/any person, much less, care and attend to a person or people in dire need of medical assistance/attention as the overwhelming majority of party-goers and club-hoppers are probably high/drunk beyond belief/or just apathetic to the point that they don't give a shit about anything, much less anyone at all.
At most, some people will simply assume that you are a creep or will just glaringly pass you by while envying your sweet dance moves/convulsions.
T.L.;Dn'tR: When planning a night out at the club, make absolutely certain to remain hydrated and plan to drink copious amounts of water throughout the ENTIRE night, especially during strenuous physical activity/exertion coupled with mild to extreme levels of alcohol ingestion. when planning a night out at the club. Your body and wallet will be ever so grateful.
Best tip: don't go
Stay inside on reddit instead, grow neckbeard, get fedora, learn how to type and say m'lady
exactly!
Warning: Don't go for the Navy Seals, they'll fuck you up.
Why do people on reddit like to kill seals?
this is stupid.
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Tell a girl a joke about clubbing seals and you have her in your pocket for the rest of the night
It's much more enjoyable going with friends. You can carry more pelts.
As a veteran of the club scene, I would try to do your own thing when you're out, don't feel as if you have to copy those around you. Also, if you're with a group, its a lot easier to split off, maybe with one friend. This way you have less of a chance of startling all the seals away.
Also, I would suggest not charging towards the seals, but rather try to split up the seals, as to make them easier to club to death.
This is crucial*. A straightforward, headstrong approach may make them too wary and run. Try to start with an icebreaker of sorts to warm them up to you, and make them see you as trustworthy, before going in for the kill
Real talk. If you're under 21, chances are you won't know many bouncers. Trick is to get to know as many of them as possible. You'll gradually learn to identify those bastards as they are usually quite large and, for the most part, full of fat. Lean seals are much better as they are less bouncey and taste much better. Free advice for my reddit friends!
Always put your blood stained clothes in separately to your normal washing. Seal blood is strongly scented and stinks.
Grip the club firmly, and hit the soft abdomen.
Keep your seal corpse pile downwind of your encampment
It's all in the wrist. Doesn't matter if you're smashing a driver or knocking a soft wedge onto an uphill green, your biceps aren't going to do more than your wrists.
So ... not dance clubs???
My advice, don't spend too much time dancing alone. You won't meet new people that way.
Why are you dancing you fucking retard we're hunting.
If your club's too heavy, make sure you choke up a little.
So a seal walks into a club
Don't brag about your seal body count most people actually frown upon seal clubbing now days
Choose the weak seals first.
A spike or nail in the club will increase it's effectiveness.
Always sneak up on the seal cub from behind, then whack em on the head in one shot. If you go from the front, they'll give you the puppy dog eyes and you dont want that. That's all there is eh.
A heavy club is much better in my opinion. But it really depends on what you are clubbing for. A small club will do of you are clubbing mice, but the same club will be almost harmless to a larger animal like a moose.
Now there are a few purests out there that say a wooden club is best, but I have found a carbon fiber grip with a weighted steel club surface works best.
It really just depends on personal preference. A few good brands to research are "Steel Club", "Oldtymers", or my personal favorite, "Seal beaters".
Hope this helps. Good luck on your clubbing experience!
If you hit the seal twice, once in the head and once in the back.. you ensure that it won't get back up. The headshot to knock it out, and the back shot to break its spine. Works 100% of the time 9 times out of 10.
Aim for the back of the head. Get a good wind up and swing in one smooth action. Club once, club right!
"The exact same joke worded slightly differently"
Dress warmly in only the snappiest parkas, carry the latest in high fashion clubs and only chase the cutest, babiest seals you can find. Chicks like that s**t /s
Apologize if you accidentally push someone Always buy someone a drink if you spill theres Dont talk to a girl if shes had too much, it could end up badly Always go with a group of friends you trust just incase Don't be a tough guy just try and cool down Avoid too drunk guys i know people who have been bottled If two guys are fighting and you dont know them leave them too it Always pre drink to save money its also more fun than an actual club If you know how you when drunk just touch the edge to avoid drama later Finally if you're horny FAT chicks
Did your period button break?
Great banter.
Give everyone their own space, you don't want to splatter them with the blood of innocent seals
Bring your girlfriend! Nothing says romantic like bludgeoning seals over the head
Spring for the good bacon.
Don't look the baby seals in the eye.
This "not serious" shit is really stupid and not funny...
Is clubbing the practice of killing seals?
Only go clubbing at night, and only to the hottest spot in town.
Talk to Gino at the door, tell him I sent you.
Silk, silk, silk. Gel.
This thread is shit
First time that I went to a club, I was 18 and fresh out of the military. I didn't know what to do, people can sense that shit, especially girls. Thank god, I hung out with my petty officer and he was also my boss and much older. I learned that self confidence is your only friend. It took a little time but when I walk in the club, I act like I own that shit. I swear, it works. Go in with a set about to spend, I learned the hard way the first time. Myriads few paychecks paid a heavy price.
When you ask a girl to dance, be polite and very confident. They can tell. And that's all I have to say about that.
Sneak up from behind and club the shit out of them. Works for people and seals.
ITT: Seals
Try not to break the seal or else you'll need to pee every ten minutes
Go back I time. You'll never get close to the 2000 - 2006 era in the UK
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Practice your dance moves.
Like, watch videos or something?
Choke up, especially if your club is heavy. It'll help keep the speed up so you'll really make an impact.
My first time clubbing was a trainwreck. I'll share the story so that you can learn from it!
I was 22 and had yet to be in a club despite being in a big city. I went with a friend of mine, hoping to have him as an aid if I was ever lost. Oh boy was I. My first mistake was talking to the bouncer after I got in. I figured he was my safe haven because he was on the job. I was so wrong. Immediately after I said hello he whacked me with a club. I didn't know the club had a stirct "No-Seal" policy.
Tl; dr: Went to club. Am seal.
Honestly, probably one of the best things you can do is to get some good, weighted boots. When using them, make sure to keep your feet shoulder width apart to lower your center of gravity. With this improved balance, you should have an easier time using more force behind the club and have a cleaner swing and follow-through. Happy clubbing!
I'm so happy no one answered seriously, this is hilarious
Baby Powder on your junk.
Stay home.
and make the seals come to you
There may be lots of young attractive screeming people there. They are animal rights protesters and don't want to be your friend.
On a real note I am feeling very down about what happened in Virginia yesterday. The only thing that is keeping me going is the thought of clubbing downtown this weekend to blow off some steam. Those seals won't know what hits them.
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Steps unclear. When do I hit the seal?
Speed is cheaper than coke.
Just try to replicate this as closely as possible
You'll see you target, mopping about and walking around. Perhaps its dazed or disoriented at your sudden appearance. Approach cautiously and when your within talking distance...
Proceed to club that seal
Hold it by the skinny end and don't strike the temple straight away, as this ends the fun.
The first 11 posts have been about clubbing baby seals...
Well played, Reddit.
Bend your knees and stand on your tip toes on your upswing. Then, bend your knees again, swing down, and yell. Yelling actually does help.
Also, wear ratty clothing you aren't upset to lose.
Any blunt object will do, but most prefer a baseball/cricket bat or a metal pipe. The trick is to pull your club back far first before the swing, then really follow through, whilst maintaining your balance, when delivering the swing
The f is wrong with you? New to clubbing? Tips for it? the f?
What's with this seal talk?
Don't
Don't club.
Choke up and start your swing in your feet.
Don't buy women drinks. Far too many go out and don't even bring money expecting to fleece guys who don't know any better.
Just look attractive and you will be fine.
I think the best way is to just go with 1 or 2 buddies. That way, you are almost forced to talk to other people, make new friends, wheel girls (so you look good infront of your buddies, though theyll help)
Use a 9 iron for the short game. Drivers and woods for long.
The alighnment of the words in this joke make it a reddit favorite
Workout your back to strengthen your lats so your swing has more power.
Please, please keep an eye on your drink and don't accept drinks someone else bought for you unless you saw it poured and had it handed to you directly by the bar tender.
Don't go clubbing just to look for females. The male pelts are equally valuable.
Go out and get some glowsticks. It also helps to wear some bright colored neon clothing to make you stand out. If you can even get some strobe lights it's even better. All of this will easily blind the seals so you can easily club them.
Oh man I'm laughing my ass off in a library surrounded by people on computers. Times like these I love this website. And you cheeky little Bastards.
Went through a good lot of the comments really looking for a serious comment, but I didn't. It was hilarious.
This will be the simplest yet most difficult:
Be yourself, loosen up. Dance like nobody's watching, seriously. Even if you don't dance like fucking MJ, the energy you'll give off will just attract fun and positive vibes. Don't act like anyone other than yourself.
A nurse at a club in SF once told a friend of mine, only smoke your own weed.
Just dance, gonna be okay
Be a whore.
Me when I see this thread - 'Gee, I bet every top comment is about baby seals'
Oh look, I was right.
Don't be shy if you're looking for a threesome. Pick up one seal firmly by it's tail and hit on another. Works everytime.
Never leave your drink unattended or out of your hand, never accept a drink that wasn't handed to you by a bartender. If a guy won't leave you alone go to the girls bathroom. He can't go in and you can find reinforcements. If you don't have any girlfriends around to help bathrooms are also a great place to make new friends. Most girls in there will help you with anything. Bring those purse shoes that are like ballet slippers for when your heels start to hurt or you're too drunk to walk in them. Don't accept drinks from guys you don't want to dance with or talk to its rude. If a guy you are dancing with gets gropey turning around helps if he continues you can ask him to stop or go to the bathroom. It helps to stick close to your girlfriends just in case. Always bring safety pins and a hair tie and put some emergency phone numbers of friends written on paper stuck in your shoe in case you loose your phone. Never drink and drive.
Ok, serious answer. You are better off clubbing seals than going to clubs. Don't waste your money and energy on clubs. Do something more creative with your social life. Like clubbing!
Look, comments here are retarded as fuck because you forgot the SERIOUS tag. I'm sorry about that man.
(1) Look your best. Spend time fixing yourself up, grab some well fitting clothing, and do your hair.
(2) Set a limit. It's easy to go overboard in one night, and some simple foresight and planning will save you hassle from not having enough later.
(3) Friends are your friends. Go in a group, because you will rarely be successful one on one. Groups get a benefit from the Cheerleader Effect. Remember, share the good and the bad, the sun shines on everyone.
It's important to follow those few simple steps since seals are finicky and get nervous if you're nervous. Stay in control and don't let the situation take control of you.
CAN EVERYONE STOP TALKING ABOUT CLUBBING SEALS?! Penguins is where it's at.
Always bring a designated driver with you! You never know how drunk you are going to get :P
Just ask a friend of yours to be your driver and you can return the favor some other day.
Having another person with you also means that you can kill more seals. Your efficiency rate will go up by 100%, which means 100% more dead seals and 100% more fun. Protip: Here's a cool trick to impress the ladies. Have your friend whack a seal up towards you, waist high, and then fucking SMACK that seal up its smug little whiskered face. I call this one the "Pinniped Powow".
edit: formatting
Dress nice, be confident.
If you're a guy looking to pick up, assert dominance by moving about the room and dancing/ nodding your head. If there is someone in your way, don't be scared to put your hand on their shoulder or around the waist if it's a lady. When doing so, make sure not to be intrusive and touch their ass but definitely smile and make eye contact and if possible say hi at the very least. Say excuse me only if you have to, don't get socked in the jaw.
Introduce yourself to as many females as possible and dance with as many as you can. If a girl isn't vibing you, move in and keep in mind there are several others out there who will
Drinks help but more than anything just be confident. Make yourself known and don't give a fuck.
It is generally not advisable to club girls and drag them off. Men neither if that is what your into.
If you need tips then you're not ready.
Well, see, you need to club the seal on the BODY, not the neck or head, otherwise the whole...
oh.
Well you want to make sure the baby seal doesn't see you coming...
Alright so forgive me if I don't get the joke. Why is everyone making seal jokes?
It's probably a reference to the (controversial) method of killing seals, by clubbing them. It's probably just a deliberate misinterpretation of the word "clubbing" in the question.
Immaturity, the consequences of lack of sunlight and oxygen from rarely getting out of the basement?
[deleted]
Far as I can tell, it's just a reference to "clubbing seals" as a method of killing them, as often seen in environmentalist videos campaigning against the practice. If I'm correct, it's a deliberate misinterpretation of the use of the term "clubbing," which can mean multiple things.
No, just a bunch of immature people making jokes about literally hitting seals with clubs (hence clubbing) instead of addressing the OP which was meant to help that person get information about going out to night clubs. You're not stupid, the roughly 1900 people responding with those jokes are stupid
[deleted]
Not gonna lie, there were a couple of gems in there
The biggest problem facing the club industry is entitlement. You aren't entitled to shit. Stop acting like it.
Don't go to clubs. Go to your closest underground rave! Held at a local warehouse, loft, or weird/awesome space! You'll bump into less douche bags and more people actually there for the experience and not to get laid!
Wtf are you guys doing to those poor seals? What is this reference???
Hur dur he said clubbing, but instead of answering his question we are going to make actual seal clubbing jokes because we're so funny rite guys. /s
OP I'll give you some legit advice, I'd be weary of asking the majority of reddit users for opinions on clubbing, or girls, or anything of the like. All you have to do it take one look at ANY meet up pictures from any major cities to figure out that the majority of the people here are the last people on earth you want to take any advice from when it comes to this type of shit. It seems that this place is comprised of a bunch of nerdy geeks and virgins who were picked on a lot growing up with few friends. Or course that doesn't apply to everyone but after reading hundreds of post, the comments of being bullied, and no having friends, or being unattractive seems to always be the highest up voted comments in a thread which means that most redditors can relate and that should tell you something. I'm not saying that you can't get some good advice because obviously not everyone here is like that. I certainly can't relate to it but that nerdy neck bearded hipster persona is a large part of reddits user base and it shows very clearly
If you're still wondering what to do when at a club it's easy. 1. Be attractive 2. Get drunk 3. Be able to talk to/hit on girls.
If you can't get laid or at least get a number from some hot clubbing sluts, then you probably failed on at least 1 of the 3 points above. Numbers 2 and 3 can be fixed pretty easily. If your problem is #1, then unless you have some GHB on hand (kidding) I only know one other fix for it. Money. Otherwise you're fucked. Goodluck
My feminist girlfriend thinks all these jokes are thinly-veiled misogyny.
We're just cracking good ok fashioned clubbing baby seals jokes right? Am I missing something?
Make sure to keep an eye on your drink because if you focus too much on the seal you might feel bad.
Be fun, have fun, try to make the women's day more fun, and don't get so attached to someone that you stop having fun when they start having fun with someone else.
Go to have fun. If a girl falls into your lap or you strike up a conversation then bonus. But if you go FOR girls, if you go home alone your night feel tainted and like a failure.
dont accept free drinks from strangers.... you may wind up somewhere
do NOT date anyone you meet at a club. You can have sex with them, but they're fucking insane. It might take a few months to come out, but believe me, it's there.
When clubbing, it is always important to stay hydrated. You can work up a real sweat waving your arms around if you don't have good technique. You can get dehydrated very easily, especially if you've been drinking. Drink plenty of water and make quick, precise strikes straight to the back of the head of that seal(or porcupine for my PA friends).
aim for the middle of the head... like actually the ear. because most likely they're going to be moving and if you aim for the "sweet spot" just above the ear or at the temple, you're probably going to miss or get a glancing blow at best. key concept is "CENTER MASS".
another option is to come down vertically but that tends to be a motion most people aren't used to. key thing is to do the wind up with a single arm. only join hands to the club as you reach the apex and then try to connect with the middle and top of the head at the tip of the club.
another newby move is to expect to kill with the first hit. that's not even the GOAL of the first hit. first hit you want to make solid contact that will stun and/or immobilize... if it kills, that's gravy. but as long as it stuns and immobilizes, you can finish them off at your leisure.
good luck.
If you don't go home with a cute girl, you're going to have to take a fat girl home.
I love you all
Make sure green peace is not on the ice flow and make sure the mother seal is well away or she may attack.
What's with all these seals? What did I miss?
fuck you guys we all knew what op meant. But kudos to killing baby seals because you know their population will get out of hand.
Go in acting like you have nothing to lose, because odds are (if you're a male) you won't be taking a girl home often unless you start establishing yourself at the same club.
Never take drugs from people within the club for obvious reasons.
Don't start fights with people and try to avoid confrontation. Don't be like a BlackLivesMatter protester... if the bouncer tells you to do something, do it.
Be sure to hold your club tightly with your dominant hand and use a swift, downward motion. Also, don't let the tears of whatever innocent creature you may be clubbing distract you. Most importantly is to FOLLOW THROUGH! If you don't, you may not get a clean kill and it will take multiple brutal beating with your club to ensure death.
Start working out, it'll help you with your confidence. When you're getting dressed and getting ready to club, you'll benefit from having worked out....the additional muscles will be attractive and provide additional force when bashing the critter in the head.
Oh.. Oh god my sides... Someone send help...
Always aim for the seal's head. This way, you are more likely to kill with one blow, and spoil less of the pelt. ಠ_ಠ
The key is picking out a young, white baby seal and gently walking up to him or her, so as to not to startle the animal. Then, just enjoy the clubbing.
This thread needs some sealant.
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Exactly. They tend to be bullish, highly aggressive and hostile, and won't hesitate to kill you since that's what they are trained to do. 'Murica!
If you want to talk to someone, introduce yourself. And not to be a bad influence, but smoking cigarettes goes a long way for making friends at clubs.
Jesus Christ this thread is fuckin hilarious
This is everything I hoped and dreamed it would be.
[deleted]
seal?
ITT: Seals dying
You guys are so fucking immature.
Anyways OP the best part about clubbing is that you get to randomly meet others who you've never met before looking to have a good time. The DJ usually plays popular songs, songs that you can get into a groove with. Don't be that person that stands in the corner and watches everyone else have a good time. The one thing I ALWAYS tell people is to go and let loose and don't give a care in the world. The biggest regret you can will have is being afraid of rejection. If the seal refuses to die the first time, you bash his fucking head into a bloody pulp amongst the deafening sound of a top 40 playlist.
If your on the prowl, remember go after the younger ones. We have an instinct to go after those of breeding age. Clubbing all the breeding age seals can really decimate the population. There is enough young ones bred to count for a few not making adulthood.
Just leave those poor seals alone.
Don't let people know about it. People start to get real "judgy" when they hear you work in the fur industry.
I would imagine...that girls would always have to watch out for other girls? idk I've never gone clubbing
Goto Japan, Clubbing is legal there still but the seals will still defend themselfs none the less
Can we not talk about clubbing seals? Like seriously reddit sometimes you're so immature.
You have to WORK your way to clubbing seals, you have to first start on something small like a raccoon or a skunk
Hold the seal down firmly so it cannot escape and club it hard on the head.
Teh pact is sealed
Make sure you crack the seal cub's skulls on the first swing so they won't scream and attract the mother
Hit them as hard as you can, as quickly as you can. Baby seals are adorable, and the longer you look at them, the more likely that you are to make eye contact. Eye contact weakens resolve and leads to botching the first swing.
Be attractive
Beat the shit out of a seal
Don't buy girls drinks, because it's not going to make them sleep with you. That's my only tip.
I know no one will see it, but I was too compelled to do what someone may have already possibly done already? Oh well.
Swing away, Merrill.
Earplugs.
Trust me, you'll want to wear earplugs when you're in a club.
Aim for the temple.
I fucking love this thread. Also, I'm more of a bar guy too. I hate clubs, and where I live there are nature reserve beaches only ten minutes away where I can go all out on the abundant seals that are too dumb to find a different beach.
Ooooooooh Canadaaaaaaaa
ITT: Redditors beating a dead seal.
So first off all these comments about seals are hilarious.
While reading I realized no one was getting serious so I figure I would try.
If you are there to pick up girls then try talking to them for a while without the intent of hooking up so don't buy them a drink right off the bat, just have a normal conversation then lead into the drink and flirting.
Now don't be afraid to dance because most guys can't dance and girls thing it's cute and attractive to see you with confidence even when you suck.
Go home and take the night off if you aren't doing well, there is no shame in calling it a night but there is shame in staying till close to try to pick up the stragglers.
For the first few times you should just focus on getting comfortable. Don't worry about making a lot of friends the first few times because people have their regular spots.
After you are more acclimated try finding a club with your taste and speed to regular.
So at this point you should be comfortable going to clubs and meeting new people.
Try reading the first letter of every paragraph for your real clubbing advice.
Wear a lot of cologne preferably axe and an affliction t shirt
When your clubbing the most important thing to remember is to get a really good hold on that baby seal. It scared, and going to try to get away. Look out for papa seal, he looks angry.
turtle tamers rule
drink alot of water, even past the point of feeling water sick. keep going
Just pick up the best set of friends.. you know the kind up for anything.. Not the snotty kinds or people who worry too much about keeping a front for the world.. friends who will eat the cheapest junk and those that will clean you up when you are all fucked up.. stay away from the "i'm too cool for anyone else" kinds .. And look for those quiet ones who transform when drunk.. they are fun!!!
lol classic thread.
Tylenol is a poor choice for a date rape drug. When you select your drug and your vict.. i mean date, make sure they do not see you put the medication into their drink. But if they do, thats ok too, just tell them its sugar - that always works ;-) Good luck!
Show up early, meet all the people working at the club from the bartenders and bouncers to the DJ and cocktail servers. That way when you're bored stuck at home and your friends are being lame you can always drop in alone and have a friend to come see ;)
I pity the fool, and I will destroy any man who tries to take what I got!
Best tip. Don't go to clubs.....
If you're a dude going clubbing make sure you bring a few bigger looking guys. That way when you club the seal they can lift them into the boat.
Just here to read the baby seal jokes.
The baby seals don't enjoy being clubbed so you'll have to sneak up on them
If you find a nice girl don't just go in for the kill. Try to take it slow one step at a time. Don't make any sudden moves. If she has friends around her try to make the most of it and meet them all. Once they kinda look at you as one of them. Seal the deal...whack!
I love this post.
Well it's been 20+ years since I went clubbing 3-4 times per week, but for me it was mostly about the music and getting in tune with it through movement of your own making. It was practically a spiritual experience to me, and I'm an Atheist. ;P
If you're worried about looking like an idiot, just practice in a mirror (or record videos of yourself) at home for a while. Let the music flow through you; if you're not feeling it, then you may need a new style of music. Sometimes watching videos of others, or simply watching them at the clubs may help. I remember in more recent years when I absolutely hated the sound of dubstep as I just couldn't feel it, but then I saw some videos of good dancers and it clicked. Different music sometimes requires different types of dance, though I always preferred my own technique of hopping around and spinning all over the place... to each their own!
Back then clothing/style was very important. It meant the difference between jumping the line, and being left on the street never to get inside. These days there's this whole anti-hipster thing going on, so I wouldn't know what to tell you. I'm too old for this shit now! ;P
Anyway, GL... I really hope you get into it, because it was absolutely the highlight of my younger years. There was nothing in the world I enjoyed more. Get it while you're still young! =)
I saw no serious tag and came for the seal references. Was not disappointed.
ITT: You done fucked up OP
deleted ^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^0.5485 ^^^What ^^^is ^^^this?
Seals
fucking OP set himself up real good on this one
I cant fuckin breathe lmao this thread is golden
Needed a thread like this ^^
Don't find Molly..... Ever
Get drunk and dance with girls. Theres nothing to it. Clubs suck.
Best thread ever. Came for clubbing, left with a new hobby.
I wish i could club all the clubbers
Hit them on the head first whack or they'll flop around and get blood everywhere.
ITT: Solid advice on murdering seals.
Saved. Might come in handy.
LOL Bookmarked
See, what you should have done is word this as "club goers"
as in, those who go club seals. It just sounds much more professional that way
dress in faux fur and day glow Lycra, (star patterns are good) use tons of glitter. over the ear headphones are good as the people around you can hear a little EDM if they're close to you.
This will confuse all the PETA members on the dock, you can change into proper clubbing attire on the boat ride out to the iceflows.
Just don't
Came for the seal jokes, was not disappointed.
Make sure it has a good weight and if you can use a hardwood.
Best tip: don't do it.
90% of girls are dtf.
No joke, so go get em tiger, just wrap that shit good, most of them are riddled with STDs.
How did YOU ALL know to talk about seals????
Dont waste your life.
Don't do it
Just wanted to say, this is great
don't invite vegetarians, ;)
What is this seal thing? ELI5 plz
The real trick is to find as big a club as possible, so you know you kill them the first try.
Club them hard and fast, and keep on clubbing even when it looks like they're not moving. They could be playing possum.
This reminds me of that thtead where they suddenly all started speaking spanish :33
Dont go
IT'S NOTHING BUT SEALS ALL THE WAY DOWN!!!
Stop. Scope. Flick. Club.
Stay at home
Only go after the slow seals
Save your time and money.....
Can someone explain to me why everyone is talking about seals
You really want to find a club that fits you. It isnt about the sound of a club, or size, but more about it feeling right as you beat the seal to death with it.
If you're looking for a way to break the ice, this isn't the the place. Out here, the ice is what keeps you alive.
I was going to make a joke about seals, but they've already been clubbed to death.
This whole thread is a wild ride, like the first time you club a seal, youre immediately swept up in the excitement and the adrenaline, but deep down there is fear lurking.
Baby seals are the easiest.
No but really - buy a water bottle then refill it at the taps on the restroom. Makes you look like you fit in and can afford to go clubbing regularly and it keeps you hydrated.
And thats the most important part: You start loosing power behind your swing if you get dehydrated, and that just means more whacks and therefore more splatter, and more splatter means more seagulls.
uh... wot? Edit: Oh i get it now....
Don't go
A swift hit to the head is best to minimize blood and struggling.
Make sure you land the first whack as hard as possible. That way you don't have to exert too much energy with follow up blows before dragging her back to your cave.
Don't.
When you go clubbing, remember, the younger ones taste better.
The Robot will never die.
Not a clubber but i would advise not clubbing.
If you recently started dating DON'T bring your new grlfriend. She will order expensive drinks and finish all your cash.
is there any value in clubbing if I don't drink? always seemed like nothing more than an excuse for a piss up to me
Did you seal the deal at the club after clubbing the seal? Tell me so, Seal!
Have Fun, Pretend no one is watching, and be mindful of your drink.
under no circumstance no harrasing girls/guys.
Have fun. Dont mind what others think about you. Dance the way you like and enjoy the music.
surprise Redditer's don't club
Hydration is the key to having a good time when out dancing/drinking/carousing.
If you are a girl with long hair, please do not tie your hair up or at least tie it low. I've been slapped by girls' hair few times when they are dancing near me.
To packs of straight women: don't go to gay clubs. Sorry, but that's our space, where we can act how we actually feel and with a bunch of women there looking for a gay best friend we just can't do that.
To everyone else: Stop thinking about it, just do it. Dance your face off, don't worry about what anyone else is thinking and above all focus on having a good time.
This thread is going to become infamous.
/r/bestof
Don't. It's a very anti-social place: the music's so loud that you can't talk to anyone. It's an emperor-with-no-clothes thing. Nobody's going to say "This isn't fun, let's go to a dive bar where we can hear eachother." Unless, you go with people that you have fun with no matter what. Bring a lady you'll enjoy dancing with, whether she's a date or a friend. Go for a special occasion, or a dj you're crazy about.
And have several drinks before you go. Waiting for a drink at a club is terrible.
Dance.
The toilets are the best place to do cocaine.
Go for the head!
Pain
Always hit the seal at back of the skull.
MDMA is easy to overdose.
Always have some good indica for after parties.
remember to take your own club along, watch out for the bigger ones. Cuter they get harder you need to hit.
Stay low. Move only at night. Don't make a sound. Invisibility is your friend here. Remember, nothing good happens after midnight. MANY of your worst nightmares, as yet unimagined, are about to come true for those (the stupid, the hipster dufus, the desperate, the delusional, the asshole, the candy brain, the candy ass, the psychotic) around you, who choose to venture into this wretched hive of scum and villany, despite there being no real benefit, at all, to this type of activity. Countless lives have been practically and absolutely destroyed, ruined forever, when they succumbed to its empty promises and very real dangers, including disease, disability, dismemberment, death and every other imaginable type of irreversable loss of any chance for a normal, relatively happy life.
Get a time machine and go to either studio 54 or the mid 90's in NYC. Other than that just stay home.
if anyone offers you any kind of drug that you have taken in the past......do not take it!!!! there is a rise in chemical compounds being labeled as research chemicals and are killing people. they can be sold as mdma extacy and lsd
be safe and use a test kit if your serious about partying.
Don't stop till you get enough.
make sure its the animal, if you club the singer its a hate crime.
How in the hell do so many people know that clubbing deals with seals
I find that that slipping in a roofie makes the entire process easier. All you got to do is be friendly and buy them a drink, slip it in, wait till they're having a hard time crawling around then BAM! Club to the head. Most seals are very weak to gentlemen buying them drinks. So this method is virtually flawless.
Don't go to clubs, go to raves.
Seals.
I thought this said "chubbers" and I was wondering if that was some strange nickname for fans of Fats Domino, Chubby Checker or maybe someone into "BBW". Or maybe it's a new thing about walking around with a half chub in their pants?
Keep cool, seals can smell fear.
Work out so you can have good muscles. It's much easier to seal the deal (get it? Seal?) when you're muscular.
Club that fucking bitch. Fuck seals!
Make sure you smell good before going out. If you smell like shit, all the seals are going to hide from you.
Well, my first advice is to buy a cool unusual outfit that you'd never wear out in the day time. Something that reveals a lot of skin and is very sexy, for men and women. Remember that gender doesn't matter. Love is Love! When you down a couple of tabs of E, you'll be loving everyone. Drink lots of water. E makes you dehydrate and could be dangerous. Remember that when you have sex with another Club Kid, to use a condom, especially anal and oral. Get tested for STDs often. Now, most people can't get past the door man, so what you do is palm him $50 bucks. That should do it, but it could take $100. I'm assuming you're a dude. If you were a chick that is ridiculously good looking, then you'd probably get in right away. Unless your really ugly. If so, you'd be standing in the lineup all night. Always carry a roll of dimes, just in case you run into some problems. Be willing to experiment with all type of drugs and sex. Remember that "Clubbing" really has little to do with actual dancing. Take a buddy...male or female. It looks better than being a loner/loser. Don't wear neon or glow sticks into the place. Get them there. Otherwise you will look like a dweeb! Eyeliner is the secret. Lots and lots of eyeliner. For men and women. It frames your eyes and makes them stand out in the dark. Cool trick! Don't wear glasses. For many reasons. Make sure that you use a butt plug for about one hour before you leave. It will help tremendously later! If you don't, you won't be shitting straight for a weak! Don't try too hard! Be cool! Relax and look like you're not amused! Like the models do on the runway. Don't drink anything with an umbrella. Never leave your drink alone unless you want what they put in it ;) Take enough money. It would look bad if you couldn't pay for drinks. Again, if you are an awesome looking girl then you wont have to pay for drinks...in cash anyway. Don't wear Angel Wings...That was so 5 minutes ago! Hats are okay, but not fedoras or very tiny hats. There is so much to coach you on. Good luck. Try not to get rufied and try not to get any type of social disease. Also remember that you're not going to find your "sole mate" clubbing. You'll just find a "fuck buddy". Have fun!
You gotta mix in a water.
Being that going to nightclubs is an extremely superficial and stupid pastime, it warms the cockles of my heart to see it ridiculed in such unrelenting fashion. Sometimes reddit gets it right. Sometimes.
How did you find a way to make this pretentious.
All these people obviously have never killed a baby seal before and probably haven't even swung a club before.
The REAL trick to clubbing is to get all your body into the motion. Swing with your legs, hips, torso, and arms. That way you'll be able to smash that baby seal like none other!
Don't go.
This is gold
Ask Canada; I heard they have yearly genocides in clubbing seals.
choke up
1: Aim for the head.
2: Spiked clubs take out seals more easily.
Fucking swing that club at the seals face. That'll fuck it up real good!
Dont inhale a popper and peel your own face off with broken glass like Hannibal Lector did to that guy.
No one cares about a stupid drunken whore outside the club.
First rule of clubbing don't talk about clubbing
Posting a useless comment in an epic thread
this is one of the funniest threads I've read in a while. I really enjoy being fooled every single time.
Choose a heavy bat with a metal head to club the seals
Baby seals aren't that fast on land. Wear white snow garb for stealth. ;)
Grow up.
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I don't even...
If your drink is bottled, always hold your thumb over the top of the bottle when not drinking.
Club it like it is a reporter and cameraman from Virginia. LOL!
Then walk over its dead body and shoot it just for good measure.
wtf?
I thought we were making killing jokes?
dont let your club be too heavy. You gotta carry it around. Also dont add anything unnecessary. Like spikes. They just look ridiculous and usually dont hold up to expectations.
Don't club seals. PETA doesn't like it.
make sure you whack the baby seals in one swoop. they hate suffering.
Lol@ redditors clubbing. Majority are basement dwelling neckbeards hanging out in Worldnews.
Don't take MDMA right away. Take MDMA after you've been a few times.
The again I'm in Europe and we all pretty much take mdma when clubbing.
Screaming "Captain CAVE MAN!" really turns a females heart a-twitter.
That's an original tactic, I never thought to lure in female seals with sex appeal.
Don't go clubbing
An easy way to improve a club is to put a single nail in it - or even a quite a few nails. But don't use a rail road spike; that's just going too far.
i'd recommend starting with a standard club though. My brother thought he was gonna be the next big thing in clubbing and adorned his beautiful birds eye maple club with these very ornate brass spikes, anyhow something spooked the seal causing it to duck out of the way. My brother, fully committed to the swing, ended up embedding the spikes deep into his left leg. Still he powered though the injury and managed to bag 14 seals but i think the outing would have been more enjoyable without the injury.
First time I went clubbing I was just out looking for a good time and naively thought I could escape unscathed. Never knew what hit me.
But don't worry old sport, with a little experience you'll go from being the guy getting clubbed to the the guy who is smashing the club.
Works with both baby seals and actual clubs. Btw did you really think redditors know anything about this?
Don't aim for baby seals!
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Solid advice. I didn't mention drug use in my reply but it'd definitely important to be aware of the people around you and what they may be on and how it might effect them. Alcohol, drugs, and testosterone can lead to bad nights. Keeping a cool head and diffusing situations before they escalate is key! Offering to buy a drink for a drunk angry person can go a long way, they will usually forget why they were mad during the walk to the bar.
Also to piggy back off of your final point about asking permission to dance with a woman if they are accompanied with a man. Its a good idea to always ask "how do you all know each other"? It gives you the lay of the land for couples, they could be married, dating, cousins, or besties (he's in the friendzone somethin fierce). Also with large groups it lets you know key information about how that group works and who might be open to talking to you on a more personal level.
I pity the fool who don't eat Mr. T cereal.
Get AIDS and die
I can't give you any advice, I've never gone. I'm too much of a homebody, I wouldn't want to go all the way to the arctic.
poor op probably expected some serious answers but forgoet the subject matter of his post and where he was posting it.
Beward of Chads and Jessicas. Don't leave your drink unattended (duh). If you're going to party, never buy your consumables at the club. Never, ever, ever.
Girls: Please don't wear 7 inch heels and mini skirts unless your only purpose is to get laid. Stay off the dance floor. Those of us that want to enjoy the music and dance detest having your drink spilled on us.
Guys: If you want to get laid, go for the prostitots (see 7-inch heels). If we are wearing our Adidas and cutting it on the floor, chances are high that we're only there to dance and hang with our friends.
Lastly, please don't run around the club coked out asking who the headliner is. Or if we want to party. All the educated ones have come prepared.
Clearly the h8orade is strong in this crowd. Must be an "all ages crowd." smh
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That really affects aim, man. Especially if you're going for smaller targets (baby seals).
Only idiots go clubbing.
My father clubbed his whole life. That's how he put food on the table for me and my family. Some say it's a less humane way of killing an animal, I can't comment on that, but I do not appreciate you calling him an idiot.
Pre-load.
No need to load! Clubs don't take ammo :)
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Uk-I85A5-hU this video sums it up quite nice.
Considering your user name, im going to assume you are a guy.
Theres nothing to it really, just a few pointers.
Have fun, everything comes down to this. If ur having fun, nothing else really matters.
Go in a group. Its more fun. Other people will see you having fun, and will be more willing to talk to you. You will also have some stories to share.
Dress accordingly. You are going to get sweaty. Sometimes there is spilage. You dont want to ruin your best shirt.
The size of the club doesnt matter. You might be able to get more variety with a bigger club, but smaller clubs are more personal and can be just as much fun.
Dont just watch. Get involved. Talk to people, dance. Theres nithing worse than being the guy who just stands around when everyone else is having fun.
Dance. This deserves repeating. Many guys go out hunting. But if you have fun, and dance, they will come to you.
If given the chance, take it. Dont hope and wait for something better. Enjoy yourself. Lift up your arms, and pound that seal with your club.
Edit：I got gold? I actual feel like part of reddit now. Thanks stranger!
Thank you for not dissappointing
sometimes I find a seal that's been pounded on so many times before that its flesh has gotten stretched out and there's no elasticity left, what I like to do then is flip it over and pound the opposite side with my club. I know the seal's mine so I'm gonna pound a couple more times. And then I'm through with it, there's nothin left to do with it. Pass it to the homie, now you hit it
This is severely underrated. You had me on the edge of believing this would be a legit comment about going clubbing until the last sentence.
Wow, a legit answer! Edit: I was too quick there...
This was helpful. I feel much more confident about clubbing.
5.5 - smile. Smile so cheesed that your cheeks hurt the next day. Happiness is contagious and goes a long way.
6.5 - you don't have to be a pimpin dancer, but having 1 or 2 relatively simple dance moves down/rehearsed will make you much more confident. Don't overuse them or you'll be a broken record.
Drinking is fun to help relax/break the ice, but getting smockered can be a major turnoff.
Smell nice. DO NOT cover yourself in a bottle of axe. It should be subtle enough for someone to possibly notice a scent within ~3 feet or less (this radius increases with temperature), and then it should be a nice olfactory reward if someone gets much closer.
.